The Crisco Kid | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

The Crisco Kid

Third degree burns are funny when you're drunk.

..and then they stop being funny.

Moral of story: when burned, stay drunk

The more you know.

Here's how I know this....

My wife and I were watching Scrubs the other night, when a scene came on where JD (our hero) rubbed Crisco (cooking lard) on the back of his nemesis...

...instead of using suntan lotion.

What better way to get even at someone other than to induce severe nerve damage?

Hell...I can't think of one.


This immediately reminded me of my drunken, week-long adventure at the beach when I was 21.

..and now...I share it with you.

You're welcome.

About a week or so after I had met my wife, I informed her that I would be spending a week at the beach with one of my friends, Kevin.

We had rented what, apparently, turned out to be the biggest shithole that was available for rent on the entire beach.

We didn't really care that people would mistake us for heroin-addicted squatters for five reasons:

1) We were drunk the entire time

B) We were really, really drunk the entire time

Okay, so it's really only one reason...

...but I was thinking double because I was drunk.

Our daily routine consisted of this:

1) Wake up

2) Confirm that you were not on fire or, if you were, that you were not in the house you rented (security deposit reason)

3) Start drinking

4) Go to the beach

5) Keep drinking

6) Get off beach

7) Eat something so you could keep drinking

8) Pass out at some point

We would then repeat steps 1 through 8 for the remainder of the vacation.

The "eating" part consisted of opening a can of Spaghetti-O's, and eating them straight from the can, cold.

Sometimes we even used utensils.


It was cheap, had some sort of protein...

(I THINK that's a hot-dog...did we buy hot dog Spaghetti-O's?...I don't think we did...)

...and required no heat (important for step #2 regarding "Fire," above).

Out-of-the-can cold Spaghetti-Os covered us for breakfast, lunch, and dinner meals.

Me: "Hey Kevin! What's the neat round spaghetti kids can eat with a spoon?"

Kevin: (vomits)

Great. Now we need more Spaghetti-O's.


We always had people in the house who were also completely shitfaced drunk.

One night, one of these kids commented on the cleanliness of our rental:

Strange Drunk Kid (SDK): "Dude..awesome party."

(speak SDK's lines in any manner you choose, as long as you choose to do it sounding completely stoned, like a surfer or Nick Nolte)

Me: "Thanks."

* pause

Me: "Who are you?"

SDK: "Hey have a mouse in your house."

Me: "Oh yeah? Huh."

I was not shocked we had a mouse in the house.

I was MORE shocked that we did not have homeless people there.

SDK: "I saw a mouse in your house, dude."

* pause

SDK: "I tried to catch him....but he bailed."


He tried to catch him.

But. He. Bailed.

Me: "Ok. Thanks."

* pause

Me (holding out can): "Spaghetti-O's?"


It turns out that being consistently in a drunken stupor leads to some bad decisions.

Most of these were made by my roommate for the week, Kevin.

Bad Decision #1: The Motorcycle Incident

Kevin decided that, at about midnight, he'd take a girl out on his motorcycle.

This was not a good idea for two reasons:

1) He was hammered.

2) He liked to do wheelies.

Kevin discovered the hard way that the police at the beach - strangely enough - FROWN on drunken wheelie people.

("Drunken Wheelie People" would be a great name for a rock band)

As such, he was summarily arrested after a short chase on the strip, where we had to bail him out...

...while WE were also drunk.

On a related note, the police at the beach also frown on drunken friends trying to bail out drunken wheelie people.

Just a friendly "FYI."

I'm here to help.

Bad Decision #2: Lard-ass

For some reason ONLY known to drunken Kevin, he decided one morning that the fastest way to a tan is to put cooking lard on yourself.

Since I was also drunk, I let him do it.

(see "coma," above)

When I say, "I let him do it," I mean:

"Dude, screw suntan lotion...I'm using this."

(holds up Crisco)

Me: (vomits up Spaghetti-O's and something strangely resembling a rodent)

Kevin and I stumbled down to the beach, cooler full of beer in our hands, and sat down.

Kevin then covered himself head-to-toe in Crisco lard and...

...immediately passed out while lying on his stomach.

I don't remember if I left him to die there or not...

...but I DO remember seeing him come back from the beach...

...looking as though someone could purchase him from a butcher shop.

I also remember having to take him to the Emergency Room, as his burns eventually blistered...

...and required him to be covered in gauze from his head to his feet.

It was like my roommate was The Mummy.

You know, if every so often the Mummy would cry out in Crisco-induced sunburn agony.

(when you're drunk, this is also comical)

...luckily, we still had booze and Spaghetti-O's... all was not lost...

..except for that DAMN MOUSE...

..who bailed.


If you see a mouse at the beach with a can of pasta, tell him he owes me money for our security deposit.


Mango Girl said...

That story, was absolutely HILARIOUS!

To be old and wise, you must first be young and foolish.

I hope Kevin never comes down with melanoma.

Bird Shit said...

My mom used to lather herself in vegetable oil when she laid out. For some reason I always craved french fries when she was out in the sun.... said...

Drunken Wheelie People... great band name! So, how often do you have Spaghetti-O's these days?

Christina_the_wench said...

One question. Where did the Crisco come from in the first place? While packing for the trip did you suddenly get the urge for
lard? Was this some sort of sexual aid to help you get lucky? Go with KY next time. I'm just saying...

Christina_the_wench said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lana said...

personally, i like the raw meat/mummy look. just a little something to set you apart from the crowd.

rachaelgking said...

I actually ADORE cold Spaghettio's from the can. I would totally still eat them if B wouldn't give me that sideways "I can't believe I KNOW you, much less bone you" look.

Ed said...

All that grease, heat, and yeast, you were lucky he didn't turn into a giant loaf of bread.

Moooooog35 said...

Mango: Sadly, Kevin recently did die of melanoma.

I hope you're happy.

Just kidding.

Bird Shit: ..and you wonder why your house was surrounded by construction workers.

CatLady: I don't eat Spaghetti-O's nearly enough. They don't require ketchup and, therefore, don't make the 'food requirements' for our house.

Christina: Does KY have good tanning properties?

Like you've never lubed with Crisco.

Your cooch smells like muffins.

Lana: Your name is 'anal' spelled backwards.

Just thought I'd point that out.

Someday I'll get past that and read your comment.

LiLu: Hello? That's why God invented you can eat that shit in privacy.

It's like I have to tell you everything.

Ed: You know..I kept wondering why the Pillsbury Dough Boy kept coming by and poking him in the belly.

Gauche said...


I love a totally non stalker type of way. your stories always end up making me laugh. thanks for them.

meleah rebeccah said...

Holy Crisco! That is tooo funny. I have used baby oil to tan before but never CRISCO! That is CRAZY!!!

Um, I dont think I will ever be able to eat or look at another can of Spaghetti-Os as long as I live after reading this post.

And btw SCRUBS is my FAVORITE show of ALL time.

Kellie said...

OMG, you left him out there to DIE!!!! That sounds quite painful. And nothing like something I would ever do. Really.

Chris said...

Mmm. Beer-flavored idiot jerky. With just a hint of Chef Boyardee tomato sauce. My favorite.

Coffeypot said...

How did you keep him, covered in Crisco, from slidding off the beach?

Malach the Merciless said...

This story was so hot, I am jerking off to it!

Pearl said...

Bailing mice are assholes.


But Spaghettios?! Why is that always the drunken meal of choice? I have a la-z-boy recliner that smells like, well, Spaghettios because of drunken late-night snacking.

I need cleaner snacks.


Jen said...

Just reading that makes me look bad fondly on my years of recklessness with booze and men and Crisco. At least what I can remember of it.

kathcom said...

Spaghetti-Os were an excellent choice. First, because they taste much better cold and second, because they don't scratch your throat on the way back up.

I feel sorry for your Crisco'ed buddy. He must have looked like Tandoori chicken.

kathcom said...

P.S. It's only binge drinking if you stop.

Buzzardbilly said...

I laugh at Crisco. My neighbor used to lay out in baby oil mixed with iodine. Yes, her face gets mistaken for a saddle all the time, but hey it looked great before she hit 20.

Goose said...

Your pics always crack me up...I lOVE your blog!! The mummy drinking the beer was great though

JenJen said...

If he fell into the sand, he'd look like a Good Humor Toasted Almond Bar.

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