It's a LUMbar...not a FUNbar! | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's a LUMbar...not a FUNbar!


I have not a fucking clue what I mean by that title.

Let's just throw that out there first.

K.

On the bright and shiny day of August 29th, 2009...

The VERY day I turned the ripe old age of 41...

****** SIDEBAR ******


What do they mean by 'ripe old age?'

Will hot moms squeeze me in the grocery store?

Does this mean I'm finally edible?

If so, can someone try to convince my wife that I'm okay to eat (begging is SO 1992)...

...and/or meet me at Motel 6 around 5:30 pm?

I'll be the guy in the Elmo outfit.


****** END SIDEBAR ******



Fuck.

Where was I?

Oh...my birthday.

Yeah..so the day I turned 41, I woke up with the worst back pain I've had in years.

It was that LOW back pain...just above my perfectly round, firm ass with just the hint of hair to let you know that it belongs to a guy (or Ellen Degeneres).


I couldn't get up.

I couldn't bend over.

(Well...Fuck. There goes my raise at work.)

I felt like I was dying.

My wife, thankfully...was as supportive as ever.

Wife: "HAHA! That's what you get for turning 41."

We're a happy people.

Kill me.


The only thing I could think of that would have caused this, was my insistence on going fighting at karate the night before.

Yeah...I'm back fighting.

Although, this time I managed to not get my finger broken in 325 different places with plates and pins and hinges and bionic parts and shit.

Instead...

I come home with shit like this:


Hurts so good.

Wait...

Hurts so good?

Did John Cougar Mellancamp pay dominatrixes to attach clothespins to his nipples weekly?

Discuss.


What really sucks about this is the fact that I'm a giant pussy and like to complain when I don't feel good.

But I can't complain about this.

Wife: "You're going sparring? You said you weren't fighting anymore."

Me: "I'll be fine. It's fun. That was a freak accident."

Then I go.

(insert scene of unimaginable violence)

I go and I get the shit kicked out of me and come home with cuts and a bloody lip and bruises and have to hide it like I used to when I worked in South Boston and visited transexual hookers who I paid extra to put me in diapers and beat me with wooden paddles printed with the words "I Voted in a Democratic Congress."

Perhaps I've said too much.


So...my back is fucking killing me and has now for five days.

But I can't say:

Me: "Oh...man...I think I either twisted it during sparring...or it may have been one of the 43 kicks to my kidneys that did it."

Because I'll get...

This:

Wife: "I TOLD YOU SO. You have no right to complain. You're too old for that."

Wow.

Maybe that actually made it better.

I feel bent over already.

34 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Sorry dude, gonna have to side with the wife on this one. And I feel so much better knowing that you are older than me now. I don't feel as bad about turning 40 this month now.

Skipping off to work with my youth....

Ed Adams said...

You're supposed to WET the paper bag first, amateur!

P.S. That's an awfully thick forearm. It might be time to switch hands.

iasa said...

ugh, that picture of the nairphobic guy is putting me off my breakfast.

I'm sure you'll be better after the next time, only 3 days down.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I didn't know you used to work in Virginia. Or that I could find that kind of entertainment there.

Wait, maybe I'm getting my South Bostons confused...

Gauche said...

wow. I think the picture you had of that slightly balding wookie sleeping made me puke a little.

Moog, can you try not to hurt yourself? If you end up in the hospital what will all of us read for laughs? take care and stop getting hurt.

Christina_the_wench said...

I enlarged the first photo and I STILL have no idea what is going on there. It looks like Sid and Marty Croft gone wrong.

Why do you do that to me??

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

The hairy guy in the picture is gorgeous. Do you have his #? Put in a good word for me.

CatLadyLarew said...

Growing old sucks, doesn't it. But, oh man, do you ever get props for the pictures! Total gross out between the hairy guy and the mangled face. EWWW!

moooooog35 said...

MI: Thanks. That made me feel much better.

Ed: You should feel my grip. TENACIOUS!!

Remember to wash your hands thoroughly afterwards, though.

iasa: Nairphobia would be a great name for a rock band.

Mjenks: There's a South Boston in Virginia?! BLASHPEME!!!

Gauche: jesus, sister...I hurt myself brushing my teeth in the morning.

I'm like fine china except really sexy and don't look good on your mantle.

Christina: HA! Yes...believe it or not I googled 'wtf' for my first opening lines...that pic came up.

WTF, indeed.

Birdshit: You may have better luck asking Portia de Rossi for that.

CatLady: 41 is old?!?!?

Sonofabitch.

justjp said...

I was going to ask if your vagina hurt, but it seems kind of repetitive to do so.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

moooooog, we share the same birthday. I was 17 when you were poppin' out of... well you know where!

41 is not old - Life begins at 40! Believe me, I turned 41 my first week in Brazil, believe me it starts then, I'm still here!

AV

VE said...

I think I've felt like that last guy before...

I'd feel sorry about your back...but you're too old now!

shine said...

That man-sweater will be burned into my brain all day. Thanks.

Ick.

LiLu said...

Do you fight 5 year olds, a la Cosmo Kramer?

Narm said...

You go for Elmo? I'm more of a Porky Pig kinda guy. Freak.

JD at I Do Things said...

Hmmm. I'm going to have to start making up more exciting stories for how I got my lower back pain.

And, dude, WHAT are those things at the fruit stand -- with the faces? The stuff of nightmares, that's what.

moooooog35 said...

justjp: it takes a lot more than that to get my vagina to hurt.

what?

AV: Life begins at 40?! Well why the Hell did I waste all that time doing the other shit before?!

I'm confused. Does that come with age, too?

VE: Hooker punch back?

Shine: You're welcome.

Now just imagine him from the front.

LiLu: No.

They must be 6.

I have standards.

Narm: Anything to get the smell of bacon on your genitalia, huh.

JD: Those things in the fruit stand are a whole bunch of me...I know...freaky, yet sexy all at the same time.

Fine.

Just freaky.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Well, I can always count on your place to help me stay on a diet. After these pictures of Hairyman and Captain Bludgeon, I won't be eating my lunch.

Thanks?

The Peach Tart said...

I got sick when I saw that hairy guy.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You made my day with these lines:

"I couldn't bend over.

(Well...Fuck. There goes my raise at work.)"

Then you ruined my day with the photo of that hairy dude's backside.

On balance, then, it's just OK. :)

BrazenBareToe said...

Yay! Your one year closer to being half a Century old. HALF A CENTURY!

Bet you're feeling all nostalgic when they released the Beatles Remastered huh?

The Demigoddess said...

Poor Ellen. Why do you always pick on him, moooooog? Anyway, you're doing a good job at it. Is that really Ellen? Or did she get hair transplant so she will look more like a guy. Wheeee..

This cracked me up like a nutcracker...Three thumbs up (My two thumbs and the big toe, i mean).

Olly said...

Just what the hell WAS that in the first picture. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight. If I can stop thinking about the Elmo outfit thing...

Jen said...

I had a post all ready to go about the fact that I shaved my ass the other day. I was going to explain why too. After seeing that picture of the wookie(I know I spelled it wrong) I'm afraid people might think I looked like that. Now I have to go get waxed or start electrolysis.

Jen said...

Oh, and sorry your back hurts.

Gauche said...

having read more of your injury posts I wonder how the hell you have avoided the joys of a full body cast. I mean, seriously. have have you not ended up in one of those yet?

Moog, please don't get yourself killed. or, if you must, at least die doing something that makes the headlines. okay? thanks.

p.s don't die. I'll be unhappy.

Malach the Merciless said...

Man, I would just quit and go get your AARP card

Swirl Girl said...

thanks for buring my retina with that hairy assback guy- quite frankly, I forgot the whole reason for the post after that one.

How'd you get Chewbaca to lay still for the pose?

Jill Pilgrim said...

Moooooog, that last picture? It made me throw up. I'm mad at you now. Send me $100 and maybe I'll forgive you. Maybe.

Bon Don said...

I'm still creeped out by the first picture, wtf is that? *shudders*

Hi Mooooogie!

moooooog35 said...

Chris: I'm like Jenny Craig but I don't get to see Valerie Bertinelli weigh-in wearing only a bikini.

Sux.

Peach: I used to hear that all the time before I shaved my penis.

MikeWJ: Mental Poo: It's all about the zen.

Brazen: Beatles?! Are they a new band?

Demi: Extra points to you for slyly sliding in 'why do you pick on HIM.'

Nicely done.

Olly: You know...I really have no idea what that is.

Jen: You needed to shave your ass.

You have so outdone the vomiting induced from the other pictures in this post.

Wear that badge with pride, woman.

Gauche: I have no idea how I'm actually still walking.

God must want to keep me around to keep shit like this happening to me.

Guy has a sick sense of humor.

Malach: OMG I'D SAVE SO MUCH ON INSURANCE!!

Swirl: Like Martha Stewart always says:

"Hairy ass back retina burning...it's a good thing."

Jill: Fine. I will send you $100.

On a related note:

Can I borrow $100?

Bon Don: SHE LIVES! Now that we know you're alive, your job is to figure out wtf that actually is in that first picture...because, honestly, sometimes I post shit just to go...wtf.

Buzzardbilly said...

Just 40? Ha! I've got 5 on you and, to quote Freddie Mercury, "Each morning I get up, I die a little." Yeah. That should be a birthday card there, huh?

Go see the doc for your back. They will give you something to relax the muscles. It will dull the sting of your wife's wrath. Why be in pain when you could be floaty?

And happy birthday!!

PS: That hair dude could be my brohter. If I had a brother.

Kristin said...

You're very funny.

Goose said...

wow these pictures are U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly!, you ugly!...

what the HELL is in that top picture...some kind of freak alien??

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