The Blinding Light of my Anus | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Blinding Light of my Anus


We should sell electric razors to polar bears.

That's the conclusion I've come to after environmentally friendlinizing...

...environmentalizing...

...environinzing...

...friendlyerating ...

...after buying some new squiggly lightbulbs for my house.

Friggin' hippies don't make the explanations easy.

Yeah - I'm looking at YOU, Oregon.

Put down the pot and goddamn protest signs and go buy a decent car with some legroom.


Regardless...after suffering through the movie "Arctic Tale" I realized the following:

1) No matter how cute the seal cub is, you still want to see something eat it

2) I'm most likely solely responsible for at least one glacier disappearing

Apparently, power vaginas use a lot more wattage than I originally thought.


Regardless, I'd be fine with #2 and the extinction of animals that I would have to go to a zoo and pay to see instead of doing something stupid like 'camping' or 'hiking' or 'watching the Discovery Channel'...

...if it weren't for the fact that my kids were watching this movie as well.

Stupid life lessons.

Why must you inconvenience me so?!?

Daughter: "DADDY!!  YOU LEFT A LIGHT ON!! THE POLAR BEARS!!  THINK ABOUT THE POLAR BEARS!!"

Ugh.

***************
Dear National Geographic Films:


I hate your soul.
***************

As such, my house has been thrust into a vortex of darkness as every single light and electrical appliance MUST BE SHUT off...

...or else something cute and fuzzy (or cold and edible by said cute and fuzzy thing) will get a sunburn and die.

Also, Global Warming will take hold!

This means that it will get warmer everywhere!  Glaciers will melt!!  Animals I never see - ever - will certainly die!!

Also, I will have to shovel less snow and have an extra month or two to swim in my pool and I'll be able to drive my motorcycle longer and...

* Flicks all lights on in the house

I've lost my point.

Oh yeah.

Dead animals and shit.


As such, I ran out the following weekend and bought $200 worth of those squiggly light bulbs that look a lot like the thing I found in my mom's dresser drawer that one time.

I still have nightmares.

Apparently, these squiggly light bulbs are supposed to save energy...and, therefore, save me money.

Hopefully, they save me enough money for that Hummer I want...

...you know, the one with the 62" Plasma TV in the back.

Sweeeeeeet.

But I digress...


I realized quickly, though, WHY these bulbs save so much energy.

It's because when you turn them on, they emit as much light as your ass does.

*flick*

(darkness)

Me: "What the...? Did I turn it on? Where's the light? Who just grabbed my ass? Mom...why are you here?"

I don't sleep well at night.

Then...from Mr. Squiggle Bulb comes...

...a flicker of light.

Nice.


So, somewhere, the hippies and Al Gore neglect to tell you that although you'll be saving a polar bear...

...you have to wait 6-1/2 hours for the fucking lights to actually turn on.

That's just fan-foogoo-tastic.

So to compensate now I have to turn on every other light in the room and surrounding rooms to try to equal the light THAT I NEED RIGHT NOW from these stupid things.

I can't poo in the darkness.

Bum goblins come up from the toilet if you do that.

That's right.

Bum goblins.


While you're waiting for this magical "light" phenomena to happen, you can cry over your Visa bill...

...which shows that you just spent $200 on FUCKING LIGHT BULBS.

What a goddamn moron.

Somewhere, in the distance, I hear a polar bear laugh.

I'm putting my old flood lights back in.

Then, I'm going out to eat a fucking seal.

Take THAT, National Geographic.

29 comments:

miss. chief said...

Who just grabbed my ass?

Sir, that would have been physically impossible from where I'm sitting...

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Dude, don't believe them about the bum goblins. That's just propaganda to try and get you to leave the lights off when you shit.

It's all a vast conspiracy. And those sweet, innocence, tight little things are in on it.

GingerMandy said...

one time i heard on the news that a rat crawled up a lady's toilet and bit her on the ass. i'd kill every seal on the earth before i ever decide to go potty with the lights off.

Ed Adams said...

"It's because when you turn them on, they emit as much light as your ass does."

I actually LOL'ed cause I was thinking the exact same thing while reading this post.

Except, my ass actually lights up like E.T.'s finger.

Makes for a fun night light.

Becky..AMHW said...

I've been using those squiggly lightbulbs for years. Some brands are definitely better than others to how long they warm up to get some light in the room. Bonus, I haven't changed a lightbulb in years.

My electric company co-op sent me a HUGE box of free "I'll light up when I'm damned good and ready" bulbs.

I think they are spying on me in my bathroom with those.

JenJen said...

Moog, I have these squiggle bullshit fake lights in my house too.
You must turn them on the day before you need to see in that room, you know, to get them warmed up.
Like some women.

Travis said...

Call me if you find two seals. I've always wanted to try one. I posted about "going green" a while back. Shit is stupid. I just buy the cheap light bulbs. Fuck the glaciers.

Daffy said...

You'll have to add a charge from HAZMAT should you break one of those squiggly bulbs. They contain mercury - you're suppose to do something special to dispose of them or quarantine your house if one breaks....you could camp with the polar bears while waiting for Hazmat to clean up your now radioactive home

Me-Me King said...

Man, you've hit a nerve with me. I all for saving the planet, but not at the expense of my eyesight or cleanliness.

I hate it when I go to someone's house for a weekend and they have one of those environmental (notice the last part of that word is "mental") water saver shower heads. It's like when someone takes a mouth full of water and sprays it on you. WTF? So, to piss them off, I always stay in the shower much longer plus I let it continue to run as I towel off and get dressed. Take that!

LiLu said...

Yeah, right.

Like Hill really has a VAGINA.

Gauche said...

"bum goblins"

WTF.

Now I'm just nervous about using the toilet.

See, I had this image of a dianoga (aka "eye ball thing from Star Wars") crawling around in my plumbing.

Great.

Moooooog35 said...

Miss.Chief: Nothing's impossible if you put your mind to it. You need to try harder.

Mjenks: Aside from the bum goblins, how would you know your butt is clean with the lights off?

Taste test?

Ginger: ..because you want to SEE the rat that's going to bite you on the ass?

Where the f*ck do you live?!

Ed: "Lighting up" and "reflecting light in the oils" are two different things.

Becky: I've blown two of these stupid 6-year light bulbs in the year that I've had them.

Somewhere, in a landfill, are mercury laden bulbs sitting in two gallons of paint thinner.

Hiding shit really well in your trash bags is key to good disposal.

JenJen: Women get turned on?!?!

Travis: Let me know how that glacier banging works out for you.

I would imagine it would be tough..you know, with all the shrinkage and stuff.

Daffy: See Becky response above.

And shhhhhhh....

Me-Me: Maybe the term should be 'Save the planet..but let me see what the Hell I'm saving, please.'

Lilu: She does. And someday, that and her fine fine cankles will be mine.

Gauche: You're welcome.

bikramyogachick said...

I hate those friggin' squiggly light bulbs. They are supposed to last for years and I had two burn out in my kitchen already. Or maybe they aren't burnt out. Maybe I just need to wait longer than the traditional ten minutes for them to "boot up". For christ sakes. Get me a seal too please!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

MMM delicious Baby Seal, goes well with a nice white wine spritzer. I wish when someone googled Bum Goblins my picture would appear, a girl can dream can't she.....

kys said...

I've got a list of environmentally friendly things that I hate. It includes those light bulbs, low flow shower heads, low flow toilets, solar water heaters, and on and on. They are all horrible. Kill the seals and give me a long hot shower.

adrienzgirl said...

Fuck Green! It's not my color. It's the color of baby shit and vomit, and boogers, and....

I LIKE PINK!

Vodka Logic said...

Just think what the gas does coming out of your ass.. ozone layer be gone.

sunflowerlover.wordpress.com said...

I'm so going home and going to plop down in my bathroom in the dark and just hope the bum goblins come, they are HOTT.

;)

Don said...

The natural gas produced by Hillary's ass should produce enough energy to sustain simultaneous frying of 3 dozen baby seal flippers all at once. I seeeeee the light!!

VE said...

Hey...who you callin' Oregon! Mr. "there's a witch, burn 'em" Salem man...

Jen said...

And you can't just throw the damn things away either. You have to call HAZMAT or whoever handles radioactive waste and have them get rid of them. Why? because they have mercury in them. Don't drop one either because then you really have to call someone in to clean it up. Gone are the days of breaking thermometers to get the mercury out so you could play with it. I hate those damn seals.

carissajaded said...

You are so right.. I could watch full length movies of seals being eaten. I meannnnn...

Moooooog35 said...

bikramyogachick: I've had two of these fucking things burn out, too.

6 years, my ass.

Well worth the ten bucks I spent on the thing.

Bird Shit: I'll contact the Bum Goblin gods and see what I can do.

Kys: Let's skin some hippies while we're at it!!

HUZZAH!!

adrienzgirl: I've seen pink baby vomit.

Might want to pick another color.

Vodka: Are you suggesting that I toot?

Sunflower: I know..they're smoking. I've been waiting in my bathroom for hours and all I have are these sores from the toilet seat.

Don: There's nothing natural about Hillary's ass.

VE: I'm in Salem, NEW HAMPSHIRE, dude. Wrong Salem.

Way to go on your history. Have another doobie.

Jen: You CAN throw them away..you just have to hide them well inside your discarded car batteries.

Carissa: ..and the Eskimos go: "nomnomnomnomnom..."

Matt said...

I'm down to go club some baby seals with ya.

Just let me know when and where.

Knucklehead said...

"You still want to see something eat it."

Bee-yoo-teeful.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You may be the only guy I know who manages to combine a rant about environmental awareness, lightbulbs, kid movies, polar bears and porn in a way that makes me laugh. I love this post sooooo much that I'm jealous, buddy. Very funny stuff.

Moooooog35 said...

Matt: Clubbing is just cruel. You eat them like sushi.

Knucklehead: Tis the bread and butter of National Geographic.

MikeWJ: Welcome to my mind. It's a friggin' disaster in here.

ettarose said...

Uh moooooog, those bum goblins have no tits. Please tell me you are NOT horny. There is no Global warming, it is the Polar bears way of getting even with the Eskimos. The colder it gets the more Eskimo-pops they get.

Jen said...

I had to LOL at the stupid squiggly light bulbs too...we have "romantic" dinners now that I have the chandelier loaded up with those babies.

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