Can Someone Please Splain This? | Mental Poo

Monday, October 26, 2009

Can Someone Please Splain This?

Yet another episode of "The ICKF."

(The Inner City Kindergarten Files)

Right on queue, my wife starts bringing home the comedic gold as soon as school starts.

She teaches in an inner-city school.

For those of you who live in that city, let me rephrase that:

"Chee teech inna inna chitty skoo."


Such a beautiful language.

She teaches kindergarten, which is safer for her.

At that age they really haven't fully mastered the automatic weapon yet.

That's why I told her to turn down the second grade position.


She sent a homework assignment home the other night, with these simple instructions:

"Color the shape that is the same as the first shape in each row."

Pretty easy, right?


Well...not if you're one of my wife's non-English speaking students.


...their mother.

Because the next day, the kid turns in the homework, unfinished, with this note from his mother attached:

(actual note - click to enlarge)

Please say the following in your best Desi Arnaz impression for best effect (punctuation added by yours truly for clarification):

"I dont andertand by each shap.
Is it all the same shape or what.
Can u splain for me nex time.

* blink

* blink blink




Can u splain?


Sure, I can splain.

You're a fucking idiot.

How's that for a splanation?


Maybe I should translate that into Spanish:

Choo ees won stoopid chit.



Spanish just rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?


Lee said...

That is so sad it is hilarious! Or is it that is hilarious it is so sad? Or is it just hilarious or just sad??

The Peach Tart said...

Well you better give her a lot of TLC when she gets home after having to deal with that all day. Plus, it might help get you laid.

The pale observer said...

Isn't Spanish an official language in America now?

Mike said...

We have similar issues in Canada, but instead of spanish it's in east indian. I once had to tell off some jerk in Indian so he could understand. I told him:

'bip bleep bloop bip bloop bip bip'

He got the message, loud and clear.

adrienzgirl said...

Oh. My. Gawd.

Here is my neck of the woods, we get more of the....

wat time it is? (ebonics flavor of good 'ol english)

Ed said...

That note was probably written on left over donkey skin from their dinner that night.

Yes, I said donkey.

How else you going to feed 18 people, all with different last names, living in the same 2 bedroom apartment.

erin said...

aw. I feel bad for the mom...but sort of now.

What wouldn't you get about that homework? There isn't another kid in that house that could splain it to him?

Travis said...


Naw, but yeah, that person is stupid. Honestly, let's sprecken the Ingles, eh?

I did the Desi impression. It was beautiful. Thank you, Moog.

Susan Higgins said...

Through out your post I swore I wouldn't laugh...

Then you didn't disappoint me... I got to the "splain" part of your post and I ended up spewing water all over my computer monitor.

Good thing it was dusty - you helped to give me a "two-fer" ... a laugh and a clean monitor.

wooo hoooo... this is a good day!

JenJen said...

I feel pretty sad for these kids...and more importantly, your wife.
She must have the patience of a saint.

I'd be drunk all day.

Anonymous said...

Wow!! Hey...I have a great idea...let's make them all legal and say, welcome to the country and then make your wife feel like an idiot for not understanding why she can't splain herself better

Moooooog35 said...

Lee: It's hilariously sad.

I think.

Peach: TLC? Tomatoes..lettuce..I'm gonna guess the last one is cheddar?

Pale: ci.

I think.

No idea.

I hope not.

Mike: You have East Indian robots?

Adrienz: Ebonics would be an improvement here.

Ed: Apartment? Don' you mean 1982 Toyota Celica?

Erin: feel bad for the MOM?!

I fear you may be at the wrong blog.

Travis: Nothing is confidential when I'm involved.

I have pictures to prove it.

Miss.Chief: You wrote 'chucho' and now all I can think of is eating a churro.

Thanks a lot.

Sue: You didn't want to laugh? Is that some sort of new fangled kegel exercise?

JenJen: You'd be drunk all day?

This is different from

Gemini: I'd forward your idea to Obama but I think he's already on top of it.

Me-Me King said...

Si, Senor. Su escriba es muy bueno. Gracias.


hey, we can't all be smart or who the hell would they get to work at walmart

Lily said...

and THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why we have stereotypes.

Good lord.

Anonymous said...

Me splain you vato!

Gauche said...


I have this image of the kid going home, looking at the paper for a while...then going to mom for help...and mom sitting looking over the paper for a few hours, trying to solve the mystery of the blue box, and then analyzing each of the 14 words in the instructions...only to give up, feeling that the assignment was clearly written in ancient Egyptian....

But of course, we wouldn't want to let the kid down, so she writes out what she feels is a proper note and sends the kid back to school.

I love the "or what" bit the most...tell your wife she has my sympathy. God must have blessed her with some serious patience.

Maxie said...

English is hard, yo. At least she's trying.

I think I'm losing my mojo.

Moooooog35 said...

Me-Me: Five of them might be blue.


Speaking from the Crib: HAHAHA! Like they work.

Good one.

Actually, 'heroin distributor' might be considered a job.

Lily: And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I perpetuate them.

justjp: I had to 'urban dictionary' the word 'vato.'

I hope you're happy now.

Gauche: Let's see..she's married to ME.

I would say that's a 'yes' on the 'patience' thing.

Maxie: who ARE you?!

bikramyogachick: scary shit, eh...just in time for Halloween! You can go dressed up as an illiterate, uneducated Dominican mother of 12.

Too much? said...

Obviously her child has been working very hard, teaching her to spell.

Ed & Jeanne said...

I don't understand it either, none of those are shaped like a taco...

Anonymous said...

Rascism is fun, isn't it?

Deech said...


So this Joker came from the Island of Cuba. Just like good old Ricky there.

When I came here my parents encouraged me to watch a lot of cartoons. They saw that I was picking up the language and losing the accent.

Today, I can safely say that I am very proud of my vernacular and feel that I can bloviate with the best of them.

But I will tell you that I can easily revert back to my best Tony Montana Spanglish, especially when I want to fuck with people's minds.

Moooooog35 said...

CatLady: SPELL?! Um...apparently you did not read the 'letters are animals' post linked up top.

These kids are brilliant.

VE: You're confusing them with Mexicans. These are all Dominicans living in the city. They only eat crack.

Crap Blog: It really, really is. You have to get the knack of it, though.

Joker: I can't believe you're going to make me Google 'bloviate.'

Sounds like something I order in the red light district.

Chris said...

That poor kindergarten kid has no chance.

Overzealousley said...

It's a sneak peek at who will be flipping burgers.

I just stumbled upon your blog and loved it, so now I'm a follower.

Malach the Merciless said...

You really need to come work with me.

Tracie said...

I will be looking forward to more of these nuggets of comedy gold as the school year rolls on.

I Wonder Wye said...

OMG -- that's so sad and incredible (and hilarous). Your comment at 'crib's site' about being scared while reading made me laugh.....

Chiara said...

woah. What exactly was she confused about there??

Moooooog35 said...

Knucklehead: I'm actually more worried about my wife's chances in that class.

Ley: Ooooh..I hope they understand 'extra onions.'

Love onions.

Don: I think you may need to re-read the instructions.

Malach: Wendy's is hiring?!?

Kys: Actually..I think there's another one in a week.

That's called a 'teaser.'

The more you know.

Wye: Welcome!! You know...the visitors you usually come over from her site really scared when they get here.

Good for you, woman. Good. For. You.

Chiara: You know..the whole 'basic shape' thing can be very confusing.

For a three year old.

Anonymous said...

I can understand that confusion, as a native English teacher who speaks Spanish. We would never call a rectangle a squared shape, but in Spanish they do, so quadra (square) and quadrado (squared shape). This is the problem that direct translation causes in language learning. I see it all the time in the classroom. The respective langauges use words differently.

Sorry to put a damper on the story, but I did actually laugh at it, because I recognised the problem immediately and knew I could splain it.


Mandy said...

math is hard, yo.

Matt said...

Ricky Ricardo would be so proud.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

oh my. that is not real!

Moooooog35 said...

AV: lost me.

It's okay, though. Really easy to do.

Ginger: It is. Not sure what that has to do with here, though, as this is obviously a chemistry question.

Matt: Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Martinis: Um..sadly, yes. Yes it is. I wish I could make this shit up because I'd be headlining Vegas right now with Carrot Top.

Ugh. Just threw up a bit.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Choo mudda was a chiuaua and yo fadda smell of chimichangas!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry moooooog, I'll splian better next time, words of one sill a bull.


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