Engaging Magic | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Engaging Magic

I’m no David Copperfield.

What gives this fact away is that I’m short, I don’t have a flowing mane of hair, and haven’t banged Claudia Schiffer.

YET.

You’re on my bucket list, woman.

On my bucket list.


Why this comparison to David Copperfield?

Because October 28th is my 14th (I think) wedding anniversary.

Duh.

Now, some of you have already learned how the wife and I met in fantastic high-definition video complete with Barbie and Bratz doll action!.

That's right.  It's a movie with Barbie dolls in it.

Go ahead..click it.  I'll wait.

WELCOME BACK!!  Are you really disturbed now?

Good.

Because today you get the story on how we got engaged.

Thrilled?

No?

Tough shit.


The night that I proposed to my wife, I had the whole thing planned out.

We were to have dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants.

And then…when the time was right…

I would show her a magic trick.

* cricket

Shut up.

It sounded like a good idea at the time.


Why a magic trick to propose?

Let me explain:

The magic trick entailed me, sitting across from the table, showing my wife a folded cloth napkin.

Inside the napkin sat, in all it’s glory…

The diamond ring.

HOW THIS PLAYED OUT IN MY HEAD:

Me: “Want to see a magic trick?”

Wife: “OH, DO I?!?!?”

Me: “You sound overly excited. Yay me.”

As I show her the empty napkin, I say:

Me: “Do you see this empty napkin?”

Wife: “I DO! I’m so giddy with excitement!”

I then fold the napkin…

...deftly placing the diamond ring inside.

Me: “When you open the napkin, you will now see that I have changed it into a vegetable!

Wife opens the napkin.

She's speechless.

Me: “TA-DA! It’s a carat!”

Get it?

Carat?

Vegetable?

Like a carrot but instead it's CARAT?

BRILLIANT!!


So, yeah…

That’s how I ENVISIONED it.

HOW THIS PLAN ACTUALLY PLAYED OUT:

Me: “Want to see a magic trick?”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “Come on…it’s a good one.”

Wife: “No, I don’t want to see a magic trick.”

* sigh

Un. Fucking. Believable.

Does the light bulb go off in my head at this point telling me this is some sort of sign?

No.

Light bulb stays off.

Stupid light bulb.


I persist:

Me: “I’m showing you anyway. I will now turn this empty napkin into a vegetable!”

* cricket

Seriously?

It’s a fucking magic trick.

WHO DOESN’T LIKE MAGIC?!?

Sonofabitch.

So I take the ring…slide it inside the napkin very quickly and secretively…

…then I put the napkin on the table in front of her.

Me: “Ahem. Here…open the napkin and you will see that I’ve turned it into a vegetable!”

My wife looks at the napkin.

Wife: “No."

Me: "Open it."

Wife: "I’m not opening it."

You’re kidding me.

Me: “No…just open the napkin. It’s a good trick.”

Wife: “No.”

Me: “COME ON..OPEN THE NAPKIN.”

I almost said ‘bitch’ at this point because, seriously, JUST OPEN THE FUCKING NAPKIN!!

Wife: “Ugh. Fine.”

Now…instead of daintily opening said napkin with 1 carat ring inside…

…my wife grabs a CORNER of the napkin…

…and FLICKS IT OPEN.

She flicked it.

Like someone flicks someone in the ass with a towel.


As she flicks the goddamn napkin open, the ring – in all it’s sparkly glory – goes shooting up into the air…

…and flies 20 feet across the restaurant.

Awesome.

Somewhere, far away in the restaurant, I hear it hit the wooden floor and hop around with a bunch of little ‘tink tinkity tink’ sounds.

Just. How I’d. Planned it.

Not even a little.


I shoot up from the table…scramble across the restaurant…and find the ring.

Making my way back to the table, I look at my wife who is wondering what the fuck just happened and say:

Me: “Unbelievable. See? It’s a carat. I turned it into a carat. Ta da. I can't believe you just fucking did that.”

Wife: “Oh..oh my..”

Yeah…’oh my’ as in ‘oh my you almost just threw away 3 thousand dollars.’

Me: “Nice job, kid. Will you marry me?”

She said ‘yeah.’

Happy 14th anniversary, honey.

I love you, woman. Thanks for putting up with all this bullshit.

Oh yeah...

I got you a carrot.

50 comments:

Mike said...

If your wife wasn't there to reign you in, this blog might actually have been profitable.

Who are we kidding.

You'd be in the looney bin.

Buzzardbilly said...

Happy Anniversary!!

That was the sweet side of Moog for sure!

Travis said...

I don't know why I wasn't stalking you sooner. Geez. This is as good as my proposal.

I totally used a graph in my blog today, and I think I stole that from you. I'm sorry, and if you want, I'll send my wife over as sort of a sexual barter.

Let me know.

Sass said...

Judging from the map, the restaurants in New England are freaking huge.

Was it like...Chuck E. Cheese or something?

Maxie said...

DUDE. Magic sucks.

also, I was 9 when you got married. Just wanted to let you know.

kys said...

Happy Anniversary!!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am laughing out loud imagining your wife flicking the napkin and you scurrying across the floor like a crab to find the ring!!

Ed Adams said...

Okay, okay, your QB's girl is hotter than my QB's girl.

I get it.

I can't believe you spent 12,000 quarters getting her ring out of that little red machine.

At least the big plastic bubble thingy protected it during it's flight across the restaurant.

Vodka Logic said...

That was cute.now fun to tell.

My romantic proposal was over the phone.. lol

Ley said...

She actually agreed to marry you with a proposal like that?

Wow.

adrienzgirl said...

That is the most romantic shit I have ever read. And your wife married you cause you made her feel like a heel....awesome!

Joker_SATX said...

Classic!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahahahaha. That. Is. Awesome.

And I bet the carrot you ended the entry with, is actually in your PANTS.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: It would actually be profitable if you guys would ante up and buy some of my fucking coffee mugs.

Thanks in advance.

Buzzard: Which part was sweet? The part where I almost said 'you bitch' or the part where I said 'un. fucking. believable?'

Travis: I'd need to see what your wife looks like first.

Actually, first I'll probably need to get permission from my wife.

So you may want to hold off on sending me pics of your wife.

Sass: Close - Texas Roadhouse. You get to sit on a real saddle!

Maxie: I'm not sure why you're throwing the age thing in there...because making me feel like a pedophile isn't helping.

Kys: Thanks!

Where's my gift?!

Lee: Yes, it's funny now.

Actually, no. No it's not.

Ed: On the bright side, I got a HUGE gumball, too.

Score.

Vodka: Over the phone? I didn't think that any of those 900 number callers were really serious about that.

Ley: Proposal like WHAT? It's MAGIC!

ta. da.

adrienz: yes..guilt is a powerful thing.

It stopped working for me a while ago.

Joker: Shit like this is par for the course with me.

Veggie: Yes...it's in my pants. It's one of those little dipping ones.

I'm awesome.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Did the ring “peas” her?
“Orange” you glad she said yes?
14 years! It’s “bean” a long time!
You guys seem “berry” happy after all these years!
Um.... sorry about that.....lol!

jules said...

Awesome! Loved this story, but oh how I wish I could see her face when she realized!

Adnoxious said...

I hope your "first time we got it on" story contains fewer awkward mishaps (but still a restaurant full of people).

Have a magical anniversary.

Me-Me King said...

*MMM wipes tears of laughter* Now that I can see the god damn computer screen, all I can say is, "wicked good"!

BTW, I loved the placement of the photo that didn't have one fucking thing to do with the story...you are a riot!

Oh, and happy anniversary. I hope you two are married (to each other) forever so I can continue to follow the hilarity of the moooooog family.

Tweet, tweet!

carissajaded said...

What a great, Hilarious, and very memorable story!Happy anniversary!

Moooooog35 said...

Bird Shit: Those were all great.

On a related note:

You need a hobby.

Jules: I'm guessing it was like most women's faces with me:

A mix of horror, disgust and pity.

I'm awesome.

Adnoxious: There's a story out there about how you and I got it on?

Man. College is more of a blur than I remember.

Me-Me: Thanks for the retweet woman!

As for the 'together forever,' I think the jury is still out on that one.

I pull a lot of shit. Everyone has their breaking point.

STAY TUNED!

(another teaser!)

Carissa: Thank you! Yes...at the time I thought, 'wow...in 14 years this will make a great blog on the Internet'...at which point we were both like, 'I wonder what the Internet is?'

Magic.

Ley said...

My point exactly: It's magic. Disappointing. No amount of ta-das will change that.

Coffeypot said...

Happy Anniversary. Your story is better than mine. We had gone to the Electrolux store to get a pack of vacuum bags for my vacuum cleaner. While Lightning McFlash zoomed in the back to get my bags, I took the ring out of my pocket, sans box, and ask her, “Will you and your spoiled kids be my tax deduction?” She swooned and said yes, and that I could also claim her step-daughter from her ex’s first marriage. I made a killing off Uncle Sam that year, but have paid out more than that over the past 15 years.

Ann's Rants said...

Good lord that was funny.

I truly laughed aloud, emitting sounds.

Several times.

Happy Anniversary.

Just A Girl said...

My parents had been dating for 4 months and my dad found out he had to move to Saipan so he asked my mom to come. She was like "My dad's gonna want to know your intentions" and my dad was like "Well, I guess we could get married."

So yeah, you're basically Casanova according to my standards.

Don said...

Cool! Happy anniversary, and about Claudia Schiffer? She's good in bed...not as good as Gisele Bundgen but good nonetheless. I'll tell her you asked.

nonamedufus said...

Magic trick? 14 years of marriage. Congratulations moooooog.

Kellie said...

This is hilarious. I love it. But why was your wife such a Debbie Downer? Who doesn't like magic?!?!?! Oh yeah. Anyone over the age of 5. Duh.

Happy Anniversary Moog & Wife Moog! :)

LiLu said...

I am banning your blog from our home computer...

I don't need B getting any ideas.

The Peach Tart said...

Happy Anniversary. I wish I'd been a fly on the wall in the restaurant.

Moooooog35 said...

Ley: Well, then all I can say is "GOOD LUCK CRISS ANGEL" because apparently proposing is gonna suck ass for him.

Coffee: * wipes tear from eye...

Ann's Rants: Like, what kind of sounds?

You can't just throw that out there and not expect anyone to ask.

Just A Girl: FYI..you spelled 'Japan' all weird, with an 's' and an 'i' and shit.

Signed,

Casanova

Don: Get me Tom Brady's autograph while you're in there.

nonamedufus: No shit. My wife has been trying to make me disappear for YEARS.

Kellie: You cut me deep right then...cut me deep.

LiLu: Your fax still works though, right?

Peach: Well..there sure were many to choose from.

Malach the Merciless said...

WOW! The symbolism in that story is just so . . . .

PERFECT!

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

True or not, this is totally believable based on your history

Happy Anniversary Mrs. Moog. Hope you get lucky.

(and I know that Moog will be involved in a small way... get it? small way? I crack myself up!)

Janna said...

Wow! So, later on, after she realized what you'd been trying to do all that time, did she apologize for inadvertently making it SO DIFFICULT???!! :O

Holy crap!

It IS romantic, in an eccentric sort of way. Chicks dig that. Well, some do. Apparently not all of them. :)

GingerMandy said...

oh cute, i was in 3rd grade when you got married. i didn't even know long division.

happy anniversary. your wife is one hell of a woman.

Big Mama Cass said...

LMFAO! That was AWESOME!! OMG I laughed so hard, cheez-its ALMOST came outta my nose. LMAO

Phillipia said...

LMFHO...Happy Anniversary...to both of you!

Gauche said...

AWWWWW!!!

that's cute, in some weirdly amusing yet horrible way....

but still....AWWW!!!!

Happy Anniversary!!!

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: Thank you....I aim to please.

If I could only translate that into what I do in the bathroom...

Going60: Totally true. Everything on here is true.

This is my life.

Fun shit, eh?

Janna: You know..I think I'm still waiting on my apology.

wtf.

Ginger: What's with you and Maxie working the pedophile angle?

Big Mama: Next time that happens, make sure you have the video rolling.

YouTube GOLD right there, woman.

Phillipia: Thank you.

To celebrate, she's taking my daughter to soccer while I go to karate class.

Romantic.

Gauche: Cute yet horrible.

You've described me perfectly.

Sue said...

Reading your posts are better than watching a movie or TV. You make me laugh out loud. Thank you.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

ok i can't believe i just wasted 5 minutes and 52 seconds of my life watching that crap - the best part was the final scene where barbie was topless

and yes, you will still have to bed to get laid. in another year, you'll have to beg AND buy her another $3000 piece of jewelry

Moooooog35 said...

Sue: I highly doubt it's better than watching anything with Jean Claude Van Damme in it, but thank you anyway.

Speaking: 5 minutes and 52 seconds you wasted? That six minutes took me 10 hours...so just think how I feel.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Happy Anniversary Moog!

I can't believe it has been 14 years since I "danced" at your wedding.

Give Mrs Moog my best.

Knucklehead said...

Great post, Moog. I can just see that playing out. But can you blame the woman for not wanting to see a MOOG magic trick? For all she knows, when you said "vegetable", you were going to show here a big ol' corny turd.

Andy Moog didn't start with the Bruins did he? I can't remember, but I seem to think he played for other teams too.

Moooooog35 said...

Roger the Shrubber: Oh, dude. I love your name.

And we have the wedding video. Trust me, what you were doing was NOT dancing.

Knucklehead: Andy Moog started out with the Oilers and was traded for Bill Ranford.

Who we ended up getting back years later.

The more you know.

bikramyogachick said...

That was great! I could picture her rolling her eyes at you (probably used to your "antics" already at that point) as you asked her to watch a magic trick.
awesome! clearly she's got your number! She's a good woman for putting up with you!
Happy anniversary to you both :)

The Offended Blogger said...

Your wife had no idea she was getting Criss Angel.

Poor woman.

Happy A-day! :)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You nearly lost me at Gisele, but I focused and got through to the happy ending, so to speak, and felt good. I love the subtle "My Precious" insertion, so to speak, and the trajectory drawing. This is a classic.....

L said...

Holy, carat, was that funny! I like your wife. She sounds a lot like me, with her annoyance with her hubby and all. You don't annoy me, but my own hubby does. He's got to be good at something, right? You have a new fan, BTW.

Steyny said...

Just curious: was your wife on her periods when you were proposing her?.


cause chicks dig magic and if she doesn't, she's having a bad day or that time of month.

Frankie said...

I'm sorry I'm still reading all your posts. But this reminded me of my husabnd proposing to me LMAO! If you want to know more let me know. If not I won't waste your time. Good Story

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