My Daughter Embraces my Gynecomastia | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 08, 2009

My Daughter Embraces my Gynecomastia

I’m thinking of going with the underwire model.

Let me explain.

You see…my daughter likes to draw.

First, it was me shitting on a rocket toilet.

And now…

This shit.

Mark your calendars, folks...because... get...


Kind of.

You see…

...aside from the occasional high school photo...

(complete with vest AND mullet…that's right...LOOK OUT, LADIES!!)

..I’ve never posted an actual photo of myself.


Through my daughter’s artisan craftsmanship and unparalleled artistic abilities…

I give you her sketch of:


(click to enlarge…that’s what she said)



I think I need to start breaking her goddamn fingers soon.

Or enroll her in art classes.

I haven’t decided yet.

Parenting means making the tough choices.

Let’s dissect this fucker, shall we?

Let’s start with the head.

(I’ve often dreamed of saying that…you know…without paying first)

Jesus H. Christ.

It’s like I’ve been manufactured by Spalding.

I’m assuming I’m smiling because they’re giving me royalties.

Also, apparently, I have a small shoe for a nose.

Showing this to my wife, she says:

Wife: “Well..she got the hair right.”

She’s funny.

And when I say, ’funny' I mean ‘cruel.’

I cry sometimes.

Going lower, it gets better.

(dammit…there’s ANOTHER thing I usually have to pay up front for)

My arms?


Look at those goddamn pythons.

FINALLY…something that’s accurate.

Welcome to the gun show, bitches!! BAM!! KA BAM!!

I love myself.

Usually, in the dark with lube and ‘Busty Cops’ on Cinemax, but whatever.

Back to the sketch.

And...the arms.

My arms are not only big in this drawing…

..but they are riddled with what appear to be giant tumors.



And this is a nice touch, too, honey…

They are apparently attached ABOVE my shoulders by some type of hinge.

How frigging cool would that be?

Fold those suckers up and I could fit into a carry-on when I fly.

You know…a little better than I do now.

Airfare is outrageous.

(click to enlarge)

My daughter then drew my abs.

Daughter: “…and these are your ribs…”


I haven’t seen my ribs since I was 12 years old and 160 pounds and laying on the beach with my cousin’s friend trying to make her like me and I was sucking that fat shit gut of mine in SO HARD that I almost fucking passed out and I swear a Japanese guy on the other side of the earth saw my belly button poke out of the ground.

Japanese guy: “biiing booowaannng kungpao gwanngg”

(I see fat American outy! Mel Gibson likes peas!)

That may be an incorrect translation.

But now…let’s focus on my greatest attribute.

My chest.

I love my chest.

And you can too for only $10 an hour.

(good marketing is the key to a healthy business)

Especially now that it’s shaved and looks like a two-day unshaven scruffy Christian Bale (left side) and ½ hour unshaven scruffy Christian Slater (right)...

You know...if they both looked like tits.

Holy shit.

I just realized my pecs are both Christian.

I should probably stop trying to get them to participate in my masturbation routine.

Yes. It's a routine.

Where was I?


I love my chest.

It’s big and all muscly and does tricks and smells like strawberry shortcake.

Not Strawberry Shortcake the cartoon character.

That would be weird.


My kids often ask me to make my chest bounce to songs like ‘the ABC song’ or ‘In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida’ or the guitar riff to ‘Iron Man.’

My pecs fucking rock.

However…according to my daughter…

..they less ROCK and more look like female porn star implants.

Nice, kid.

So, this is about as close as you get to see what I look like.

However, as a last visual aid for you, I’ve come up with a composite based on my daughter’s sketch.

It’s at the bottom of this post.


I’ll be over here, making the Christians dance to Black Sabbath.

They’ll hate that shit.

*************************'s what I came up with:

Holy fuckshit.

I think 'breaking the fingers' is gonna win here.

Moog out.


rachaelgking said...

So, what you're saying is, if I get knocked up, I can be a porn star? Awesome.

Unknown said...

I am infinitley curious about seeing your chest bounce/dance to In-A-Gadda-Da-vida - video please

You are so friggin HOT! And you thought I didn't know what you look like.

adrienzgirl said...

It's not a tumah (best Arnold voice).
The hotness revealed....awesome!

Bamboo said...

Whew gimme some of those big manly....boobs! Phew you must be one AMAZING guy with all those tumors and all. Haha I'm just crying, you are one funny guy Moog.

MJenks said...

Awesome. Now I'm going to have the guitar riff from Iron Man in my head all day.

That makes me full of happy. Your daughter is doing the Lord's work in that regard.

Travis said...

I threw up a little, yet I have an erection. Curious. said...

At least she didn't try to fill in the man parts. I actually think she did a pretty good job on the 6 pack there. And she has you smiling besides... she must actually like you.

Bird Shit said...

You have Elephantiasis of the arms. You should get that checked!

Zen Mama said...

Breaking her fingers would result in loss of good blog material. We want to see more of her artistic interpretations of you. Buy her canvas, brushes, paint, crayons, anything to keep her going.

Another observation - maybe she sees your arms as collapsible because they keep breaking.

Moooooog35 said...

LiLu: I hear there's a niche for that kind of porn.

Someone told me that. Like..someone's friend of a friend.

I'll shut up now.

KIKI: Videos are available for rental at

Had to get was already taken.

Adrienzgirl: Arnold's got nothin on me, woman.

Except..the physique...and


Mike: I always knew you wanted me.

Ed: Hey..your wife likes holding on to them. Otherwise, I would have taped them back years ago.

Bamboo: "Big Manly Boobs" would be a great name for a rock band.

Well...maybe not 'great.'

Mjenks: She's doing Jean Claude Van Damme's work? How so?

Travis. Please leave the area immediately. Thanks for your cooperation.

BG: Of course I can lick my own idea.

CatLady: She actually did draw in the man parts. You really have to squint to see them.

Just. Like. For Real.

Bird Shit: They have been checked out.


Kapow! Kabam!

Zen: Good point on the arm breakage.

I didn't think of that because I was too busy staring at myself in the mirror.

Hours fly by like minutes. It's an amazing thing, really.

Christina_the_wench said...

Why does your daughter hate you so? Better start saving for the therapy now.

Buzzardbilly said...

Moog, you kill me. I laughed until my chest now hurts. It's like you're giving out humor swine flu over here.

Those boobs are priceless. When gravity get ahold of those babies, you'll be glad the budding artist captured them in their bouncy prime ;)

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: Why does she hate me so?

Um..hello? Me?

Buzzard: I know..I'm going to have the worst case of pepere tits known to mankind.

Don: She would have needed a bigger piece of paper.

Wow. I feel really, really creepy right now.

Jen said...

Who would have thought dissecting a child's drawing could be so much fun. I peed a little, sorry.

Your chest looks like Daisy the Curly Cat.

I'd say more about the lower region but since your daughter drew this I can't bring myself there.

I like the invisible left foot, that's a really handy feature when you want to kick some ass.

Me-Me King said...

Nice guns, mooooog, 20", baby! It appears, though, you still need just a little work on your abs.

Jay Ferris said...

If that thing is even half accurate, I hope for your sake that you're a very, very rich man.

Chris said...

Don't take this the wrong way, but from what you've led us to believe through this blog, I'm guessing your daughter's drawing is, if anything, overly flattering.

Tracie said...

I think it's flattering. At least she gave you muscles.

JenJen said...

Totally diggin your abs. And sexy specs.
Your boobs--wait. I think those are my boobs. Which of course are full on Christian, baby.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Nice job, Moog! And thanks for sharing about your masturbation routine. That was downright honest of you. A little dirty, but honest. You should get Cinemax, Kleenex, Aphrodite lube, the producers of Busty Cops and the American Little People's Association (ALPA) to sponsor your blog.

jessicabold said...

LOVE the boobs. That's my favorite part. Already drawing anatomically correct...and at such a young should be proud.

Carissajaded said...

Oh my freaking LORD I can't stop laughing! Do you think if I send you some pictures of my parents and friends, your daughter can recreate them so I can give out awesome Christmas presents??

And also- Nice boobs!!!

Moooooog35 said...

Jen: Thanks for making me happy.

Happy about not knowing who the Hell 'Daisy the Curly Cat' is.


You know..if stone was squishy.

Jay: Sadly, yes. Sadly, no.

Knucklehead: Oooooh...but see? I left mystery here! Dun dun dunnnnnnn....

Sorry. Got carried away.

kyslp: She had no choice.

I'm really quite the specimen.

sunflower: They're real. And they're spectacular.

JenJen: Nothin' say hot like Christian boobs.

I have no idea what that means.

MikeWJ: If you could get to work on that asap, I'd appreciate it.

jessicabold: Everyone loves my chest! I KNEW IT!

Carissa: We'll have to work out some sort of child-labor fee...kinda like at Walmart.

Malach the Merciless said...



honest to God when do you find time to actually work at your real job? the illustrations appear to be time-consuming, yet essential to the story and thoroughly enjoyable.

mylittlebecky said...

i need more tumors apparently. then i could have sexy woman arms. not that i don't already but you know, i need the definition.

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: This is news?

Speaking: HAHAHAHA!! Working...HAHAHAHAHA!!

Oh..oh man...good one.

Mylittlebecky: Tumors always add that much needed bulk and - in some cases - provide their own oil when it's time for a show.

True story.

Blonde Goddess said...

Love the new makes me hot.

Gauche said...

Well, kids are kinda weird in that way. They just kinda see general shapes and then run with it. At least your daughter acknowledged that you have abs and good arm muscles right....about the implants...that's just damn funny. Your daughter has your sense of humor. No use fighting it.

btw, I like the new header for your site. Well done.

p.s Even if you are still a spalding ball with a foot on your face and glasses, you've still got a good sense of humor. most spaldings tend to be humorless jerks when they get older. well done for you!

Moooooog35 said...

BG: Easy there...

What am I saying? It makes me hot, too.

Gauche: ssshhhh...don't tell that 'Spalding' comment to Tom Hanks...I hear he's sensitive about that stuff.

The pale observer said...

I never want to laugh when I'm reading blog posts. Like never. I'm skeptical and jaded. But you are funny. I'm linking you today.

Holli in Ghana

Swirl Girl said...

Your daughter is quite the artist!!

Your chesticles look like a character from Yo Gabba Gabba!

Vodka Logic said...

What can I say that hasn't.. you daughter is brilliant.

As for the buttery least I got you to read the whole thing

meleah rebeccah said...

your daughters drawings are AWESOME!! But your breakdown of her drawing is even more AWESOME!!!

Related Posts with Thumbnails