Cast Away | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Cast Away


As I sit here with my left hand in a cast for the second time...

SECOND TIME?!

REALLY GOD?!

YOU WANNA PLAY IT THAT WAY, HUH?!


BRING IT ON, BROTHA!! BRING. IT. ON!!!


Sorry.

I get all "Obamacare protester" sometimes.

Where was I?

Oh..cast on my hand.

So, for the second time in 6 months I've broken my hand.

I masturbate furiously.

That has nothing to do with why I broke it.

Just thought I'd put that out there.


Regardless, I've decided to come up with a list of things that are harder to do, easier to do, and the same to do...

...all while wearing a cast.

You may want to Clip-N-Save this shit.

Things That Are Harder To Do In A Hand Cast

1) Picking your nose

This sucks..because it's now Fall here and the air is dry and I have little boogers in my nose caked on there like a day-old bowl of half-eaten Corn Flakes left in in the sink without rinsing it and I'm trying to dig in there with my OPPOSITE hand and scrape them the Hell out and all I'm doing is managing to get arthritis in my neck because my head is tilted at all crazy angles like Paris Hilton in a hotel room.

So, yeah..picking your nose is kinda difficult.


2) Driving

I've almost fucking died twice by steering with my cast hand which has roughly only my spindly little fingertips showing and then going onto an off-ramp and screaming "JESUS HOLY SHIT!" as I realize that I'm not actually HOLDING the wheel and I'm about to miss the ramp, drive through a field and plow through a school bus.

Plowing into a school bus.

Best way to die?

Quite possibly.


3) Anything Involving Water

Showering?

No you're not..not unless you wear a giant arm condom so your stupid cast stays dry.

Oh..oh..you want to wash your armpits?

Good luck asshole...here...here...

Why don't you rub that soap all over your arm condom and then move it around vigorously in the general vicinity of your opposite armpit and hope you actually get some friggin' soap in there and don't end up smelling like John Goodman's ass crack after he's climbed a ladder.

John Goodman's ass crack.

Worst way to die?

Quite possibly.


Things That Are Easier To Do In A Hand Cast

I got nothing.

Everything fucking sucks.

Things That Are The Same In A Hand Cast

1) Yelling at the elderly

Old people friggin' suck.

Thank you, God, for not taking that away from me.

2) Making fun of blind people you work with

I find no better joy than secretly shitting on the half-blind guy that sits two cubes away.

Sometimes, I move his jacket around to different places in the office.

Apparently, you only need one working hand to be a complete and utter asshole.

Yay me.


3) Losing half a day to internet porn

Broke my non-masturbating hand.

You know, sometimes the stars just align.

Thank you, God.

I take back all that heathen shit I said earlier about you.

Moog out.

40 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

It's easier to crack nuts with your hand in a cast.
BAM!
Instant peanut delight or blinding pain, depending on which nuts youre trying to crush.

Bamboo said...

LMAO you kill me Moog! The giant condom is so true, been there done that. My question, if you barely have fingers to help you drive, how in the hell are you typing this shit?

Don said...

Wonder if that cast affects fisting. Hmmm, things to think about. Have you tried backhanding someone with it yet? Wonder if it's like in the movies and the person dies with a crushed head.

iasa said...

Dude, ambidextrous masturbation is a must. I would start to correct that as soon as the cast comes off. Maybe even sooner.

Narm said...

Really? No comment about wiping your ass?

Although I guess if you didn't break your masturbating hand...

Excuse me while I throw up over the fact that my masturbating hand and my ass-wiping hand are one in the same.

Mike said...

Wash your armpit???????????? Huh?

VE said...

Damn...Goodman isn't looking so "good", is he. Maybe they should put a cast around his body before that shirt explodes...

CatLadyLarew said...

And in what creative way did you manage to break your hand? Just askin' so I can make fun of you for being a klutz. My mom once broke both her hands at the same time. That sucks twice as bad!

LiLu said...

I'm trying to imagine MS Painting with one hand.

What if the opposite happened and it actually came out looking amazing as a result?

THINK ABOUT THAT.

moooooog35 said...

BG: Good point. Luckily, inactivity has left me without feeling in my nether region for years.

yay.

Bamboo: How am I typing this shit?

Very.

Slowly.

And with many friggin typos.

Don: Dude...are you asking me to fist you?

iasa: Way ahead of you, sister. Remember, I'm a professional.

Narm: FYI, "the stranger" also works with ass wiping.

You're welcome.

Mike: Explains SO much.

VE: They will when they begin crafting casts out of high tensile steel.

CatLady: I can't even tell you how I broke it. Some secrets need to be kept between a man and his underage Korean cross dressing prostitute.

Dammit!

LiLu: What do you..um...are you saying these AREN'T amazing?!?!

OUT! OUT!!

kyslp said...

When my son broke his arm, he got a pretty blue water-proof cast. Did they not offer you one?

Christina_the_wench said...

Forget the cast. Have they fitted you for a helmet yet because WHO BREAKS THEIR HAND TWICE IN 6 MONTHS?!?! Seriously. Wow.

Carissajaded said...

Quite a lovely post considering you only have one arm. And I have to repeat the question of Christina above me. How the hell did you manage to do this? High Five for that. Nevermind.

do you think you'll have that nasty smelly yellow stuff all over your arm when they take off the cast?

Ed Adams said...

Could have been worse.

Could have fractured your penis.

I've see that shit in the hospital.

Nasty.

You KNOW you're going to google it now!

moooooog35 said...

kylsp: The fact that you included 'pretty' in the description of your SON'S cast would tell you right there that I'm wicked jealous right now.

Christina: * slowly raises good hand

Carissajaded: Yes..nasty yellow stuff...guaranteed. My hand smells like old milk.

Awesome.

Ed: Who says I didn't? 'The Stranger' is SO much more dangerous now!

The Peach Tart said...

What about putting on your Penis Pop boxers? Is that easier or harder?

Coffeypot said...

How did you break your hand this time? You out with that female wrestler from the Ukraine again and she crossed her legs? You have to be careful where you put you hand, Rodney.

Collette said...

Make sure to keep your arm close to yourself at all times cuz if your kids are anything like you, they be jumping on it to test how sturdy it is. Now won't that be fun!?!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

What's masturbation? And what does the computer or getting a cast have to do with that? I'm so confused, I could fist myself. In fact, I am fisting myself. And I like it.

Buzzardbilly said...

I wonder if the giant arm condom is the same thing the vet uses to stick his hand up a cow's vagina during delivery?

Sorry about your break, but kudos on the day o' free porn time.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i got nothin - i broke my hand once by slamming it in the car door it was a total bone head move so i'm going to assume yours was fairly similar

Malach the Merciless said...

How' ya break it this time doofus?

Knucklehead said...

Non-masturbating hand? Thank God for small favors, though, as they say, switching hands can make it seem like you're doing a clumsy stranger.

And there's something to be said for that.

Gauche said...

Moog,

I think I've mentioned this before...but tell me again...HOW exactly have you NOT ended up in a full body cast? I'm honestly curious. You have me worried. are you normally so prone to breaking yourself? are you doing this for attention? please try not to get hurt anymore....okay? seriously....you seem far too fragile for your lifestyle....

moooooog35 said...

Peach: Are you talking about me..or the act of putting them on?

Coffee: You read me like a book.

A bad book.

Collette: My arm is always close to me at all times.

Oh...you mean the bad one.

MikeWJ: Thanks for the visual at 7 am. Perfect.

I had no idea I could vomit without eating breakfast first.

Buzzrd: You know way too much about cow vaginas. Just sayin'.

Crib: As usual, I was fighting off a band of ninjas wielding sledge hammers.

Typical Tuesday, really.

Malach: I'm sticking with the ninja story.

Knucklehead: Preaching to the master, my friend.

Gauche: Your guess, honestly, is as good as mine at this friggin' point.

JenJen said...

Sorta upset right now: you made me spit my coffee with coconut creamer out and it sorta went through my nose.

dick.

JD at I Do Things said...

Wow, you're right.

I just tried picking my nose with my left hand and it is IMPOSSIBLE!

Matt said...

It pays to be ambidextrous.

That way, masturbation never takes a back seat.

Priorities man.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

It doesn't take 2 hands to reach in your pocket and grab the money to pay the hooker to do it for you...

LBluca77 said...

I am so behind on your blog. I am gonna try to catch up.

Maxie said...

things that are more painful for you: fisting

things that are more enjoyable for your partner:
fisting

Just stating the facts. Ribbed for her pleasure.

moooooog35 said...

JenJen: You call me 'dick' like it's a bad thing.

Weird.

JD: I'm hurt that you think I wouldn't tell the truth on here.

I speaketh from experience..eth.

matt: But what happens if you're masturbating in the back seat? I'm confused now.

BirdShit: WHERE WERE YOU TWO WEEKS AGO WITH THIS ADVICE??!?

Lbluca: 'bout time, woman.

Jesus.

Maxie: Um...think you may have that backwards.

Not that I enjoy being fisted..but I now have twice the diameter with none of the sticky cleanup!

Wow.

Going fetal now.

Grace Matthews said...

Talk about ass crack smell, wait until they take the cast off and find everythingthat you have come in contact with since you put it on including day old spooge.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wow, John Goodman better watch it. He's starting to look like Kathleen Turner. Zing!

JenJen said...

Fine. No name calling.



Big Dick.

Me-Me King said...

Whoa, John Goodman looks like shit!

Sorry about the hand.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wiping your ass could be hard with a cast on your hand.

Jen said...

You mean you guys don't wipe with the same hand you jerk off to with?

Grandma was right, you can learn something new everyday.

My daughter's homework involved fisting. No shit, check for my post tomorrow, or whenever I get to it.

Jen said...

Just noticed you haven't changed my URL in your blogroll. What is it with you guys? I've been bitching about it for a week now, you'd think I asked someone to lift the seat or something. Can you change the URL to http://www.redheadranting.com/

Thank you.

moooooog35 said...

Grace: Day old spooge? I would never let it get that old...I refresh hourly.

Steam Me Up: ..or vice versa. At this point, I think I'd rather bang John Goodman.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

JenJen: Congratulations on being the first woman who's ever muttered that phrase to me.

Me-Me: Has John Goodman ever NOT looked like shit?

Ms Blogger: Do you only have one arm?!

Can we see it?!

Jen: well..not the same hand at the same time. That would be hard to do.

Finally! A challenge!

Related Posts with Thumbnails