As I sit here with my left hand in a cast for the second time...
YOU WANNA PLAY IT THAT WAY, HUH?!
BRING IT ON, BROTHA!! BRING. IT. ON!!!
I get all "Obamacare protester" sometimes.
Where was I?
Oh..cast on my hand.
So, for the second time in 6 months I've broken my hand.
I masturbate furiously.
That has nothing to do with why I broke it.
Just thought I'd put that out there.
Regardless, I've decided to come up with a list of things that are harder to do, easier to do, and the same to do...
...all while wearing a cast.
You may want to Clip-N-Save this shit.
Things That Are Harder To Do In A Hand Cast
1) Picking your nose
This sucks..because it's now Fall here and the air is dry and I have little boogers in my nose caked on there like a day-old bowl of half-eaten Corn Flakes left in in the sink without rinsing it and I'm trying to dig in there with my OPPOSITE hand and scrape them the Hell out and all I'm doing is managing to get arthritis in my neck because my head is tilted at all crazy angles like Paris Hilton in a hotel room.
So, yeah..picking your nose is kinda difficult.
I've almost fucking died twice by steering with my cast hand which has roughly only my spindly little fingertips showing and then going onto an off-ramp and screaming "JESUS HOLY SHIT!" as I realize that I'm not actually HOLDING the wheel and I'm about to miss the ramp, drive through a field and plow through a school bus.
Plowing into a school bus.
Best way to die?
3) Anything Involving Water
No you're not..not unless you wear a giant arm condom so your stupid cast stays dry.
Oh..oh..you want to wash your armpits?
Good luck asshole...here...here...
Why don't you rub that soap all over your arm condom and then move it around vigorously in the general vicinity of your opposite armpit and hope you actually get some friggin' soap in there and don't end up smelling like John Goodman's ass crack after he's climbed a ladder.
John Goodman's ass crack.
Worst way to die?
Things That Are Easier To Do In A Hand Cast
I got nothing.
Everything fucking sucks.
Things That Are The Same In A Hand Cast
1) Yelling at the elderly
Old people friggin' suck.
Thank you, God, for not taking that away from me.
2) Making fun of blind people you work with
I find no better joy than secretly shitting on the half-blind guy that sits two cubes away.
Sometimes, I move his jacket around to different places in the office.
Apparently, you only need one working hand to be a complete and utter asshole.
3) Losing half a day to internet porn
Broke my non-masturbating hand.
You know, sometimes the stars just align.
Thank you, God.
I take back all that heathen shit I said earlier about you.