The Shitty Answer | Mental Poo

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Shitty Answer


..and the answer is...

About two pounds.

What's the question, you ask?

Bear with me my sexy toothless poodle in the leather mask and Indian moccasin puppy shoes, and I'll tell you.

Huh.

You know..sometimes I don't get where this shit comes from, either.

I've digressed.

My cell phone rang the other morning while I was at work.

Me: "YAY! My heroin is ready!"

Helpful tip: Never yell that shit out loud while at work.

Unless you work at a heroin factory.

True story.


The phone call was from my wife.

She was calling about our new dog, Sophie.

Me: "Hey."

Wife: "Sophie has worms in her shit."

Um.

And 'good morning' to you, too, honey.

As I cleaned up my freshly vomited oatmeal from my desk, I continued the conversation.


Wife: "I took her outside to go to the bathroom and thought I saw straw or something in her poop, but when I turned around and looked closer they were moving."

So far this is ranking right up there as:

Worst. Conversation. Ever.

Well, I'm no underworked yet ridiculously overpaid Quality Assurance Engineer for a privately held company who makes world-class networking products...

...but I would say that having squiggling worms in your shit probably isn't right.

Wait..wait...

I meant 'doctor.' I'm no doctor.

That makes much more sense.

Either way:

Shit + worms in it = just plain fucking wrong right there, my friends.

I've always been good at math.


Having explained the above quantum mechanics to my wife, we decided to take the dog to the vet.

The vet asked for a stool sample from the dog so they could examine it.

They specifically said 'from the dog' because of the last time I brought in my own shit after eating 3 ears of corn and a bag of peanuts and thought it would be funny.

They didn't think it was funny.

However, they did find that I had heartworm, so that was a plus.


When I got home, I grabbed Sophie, opened the fridge to grab the bag of shit and left for the vet.

Yes. You read that right.

I opened the fridge to get the dog shit.

Apparently, dog shit is best kept refrigerated after opening.

Good to know.

Not really.


The fridge shit was in a brown paper bag marked, "Sophie."

I did not open the bag.

I had no desire to look at a container of shit.

I do that enough in the red light district on weekends.

You pay extra for that. I'm not sure why.

Whatever.


So with a big bag of stanky fucking dog shit in hand, and a song in my heart, I went to the vet.

Checking in, I handed the paper bag to the receptionist...and after waiting like a fucking 1/2 hour finally got to see the doctor.

Doctor: "So..what color were the worms?"

Me: "I don't know...my wife saw them..I think she said they were white."

* pause

Me: "You know...I brought in the stool sample."

You know...if I could rewind the clock 20 years and imagined myself there today...

...standing in an office that I just carried a paper bag full of dog shit into while discussing the color of the fucking worms we found in it..

..I probably just would have shiv'd myself in the fucking eye.

Time travel: Fixer of lives gone awry.


The doctor then leaves to get the stool sample.

She comes back a few minutes later.

She's laughing.

Hard.


In her hands are two containers.

Doctor (still laughing): "Okay...okay...just so you know...when you bring in a stool sample, we only need this much."

She holds up one of the containers.

In the container is, like, a cotton swab with a tiny spot of brown shit on it.


Doctor (STILL laughing): "This is what your wife collected."

She holds up my wife's container.

So...you see the answer up there?

About two pounds?

Here's the question:

How much dog shit can my wife stuff into a container the size of a finger?

ABOUT TWO POUNDS.

Seriously.

The container looked like my wife had taken all the shit she'd found since the beginning of time, smushed it into the container...

...tamped it down like a guy paving a driveway...

...then stuffed even more shit into it.


How that thing didn't shatter under it's own weight of shit is beyond me.

The poor doctor could barely hold the fucking container up to show me.

It was pretty funny, actually.

You know...minus the whole worms plus shit plus vomiting thing.

..and the scene of me holding a cold bag of poop.

Man...

I seriously need to invent time travel.

36 comments:

Mike said...

I once pooped on a glass table.

Ooops, wrong reference.

Never mind.

Knucklehead said...

That's some funny shit right there. Seriously, you get way too much mileage on this poop theme. Scary.

Susan said...

I seriously don't know how I kept reading through that, but something kept me going.

That is nasty shit.

Literally, I guess.

Kirsten said...

Good times!! Good times!!

Dumb Dawn said...

ROTFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!

Jeeeze, I needed that laugh today. Dang.

Following you now.

~Dawn

CatLadyLarew said...

Laughing hysterically, here! Now I have to pull myself together for my appointment with my psychiatrist. He's gonna think I've really lost it now. Thanks, moooooog! Thanks, alot!

(Memo to self: Do not read moooooog immediately before shrink appointment.)

KIKI said...

So did your dog have worms?? ...and your posts are make my day! Thanks again for the laugh.

JenJen said...

Nicely done; you never disappoint~

Vodka Logic said...

Very funny, I say next time let your wife bring the shit to the vet..and get laughed at.

The Peach Tart said...

I couldn't stop laughing and I was in a coffee shop and people were staring at me like I had shit on my nose. Two pounds of it.

Don said...

That's the thing about shit. When somebody thinks they're hot shit, point out to them that cold shit packs tighter into a container. Suggest they stick their head into the freezer overnight.

Matt said...

shit is like beer... you never know how much to bring to a party.

or not.

I tried.

Ed Adams said...

I hope they let you keep the extra.

Then the kids can make trinkets.

Gotta think green nowadays.

Malicious Intent said...

I like your wife.
She loves to humiliate you.
I bet she knew you only needed that tiny amount of poo too.

She had it alllll planned out.

But then, if I lived with out...I would take any chance I ad to get even.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

While I love the Quantum Leap reference, I have to say that it was made even funnier by the word "Bombers" written across Bakula's chest.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Wonder what would've happened if she didn't label the bag in the fridge? hhhmmmmm......

moooooog35 said...

Mike: I know. I own the bootleg video.

Knucklehead: You know, it's much less of a theme than a way of life.

Sadly.

Susan: WHAT A TROOPER! Pooper trooper?

Kirsten: * looking behind me

Dumb Dawn: I took me, like, 5 minutes to figure out what the "B" was in ROTFLMBO.

I'm quick.

CatLady: Right. Like he doesn't think you've lost it already. Suuuuure.

Kiki: Not worms..something else that I'd really not like to get into right now because I'm about to have pasta.

JenJen: Yet another thing no woman has ever said to me before.

Vodka: I need to start writing all this advice down.

Peach: You did have shit on your nose. Someone really should have said something.

Don: I don't even want to know how you know that.

Matt: Been there, my friend. Been there.

Also explains why I don't get invited to parties anymore.

Ed: Is there a funnier word than 'trinkets?' I think not!

MI: Queue conspiracy music.

Mjenks: OMG..what makes that actually even MORE funnier that on my 'Mental Poo-Looza' link, there is a band name on that shirt called...wait for it...

The Poo Bombers.

No shit.

Bird Shit: I can tell you what would have happened:

Worst. Lunch. Ever.

Olly said...

Very funny how she sends YOU to the vet with and dog and bag o pooh. I would have been immediately suspicious of walking into some kind of practical joke.

kys said...

That is too funny. And I can totally relate because I have had to do the "stool sample collection" with both of my kids. Twice. (Shuddering, gagging.)

carissajaded said...

Now that is nasty.. did your dog do that crazy butt scoot thing? I hate dog worms but I've always thought that scoot was pretty cool...

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

My dog had them. She ate a flea. There was a worm hanging out of her butt. That's how I found out. She would sit and leave little worm droppings all over the friggin house. It was horribly disgusting.

bikramyogachick said...

oh. my. God.
You can't make this shit up! Too funny!

justjp said...

Lol, dude that sucks...but seriously, how did you get photos of my girlfriends?

Travis said...

Shitty day.

Shitty pun.

Sorry about all that.

Shitty apology.

I can't stop! (TWSS)

Shitty TWSS.

Geez.

moooooog35 said...

Olly: "Bag O Pooh." I believe that's what was in Tigger's possession after they searched his car for the murder weapons.

Kys: Your kids had worms?!?

Carissa: The scoot IS pretty cool.

I especially enjoy the pretty designs it makes on the carpet.

Lee: Great. Now I want Pad Thai.

Bikramyogachick: I make none of this crap up. none of it. God is up there running around going, "OH..OH MAN...watch THIS.."

JustJP: It was pretty easy getting pictures of your girlfriends. I just googled 'stepped in shit' and they...

..oh..

..the hookers.

Nevermind.

Travis: It's okay. I've seen shittier.

Malach the Merciless said...

So did you dog have Dholes or Cthonians?

Phillipia said...

And to think...I almost fell asleep reading before I got to your blog mooog....

Well that sure woke me up...laughed so hard I nearly ...

Nevermind...good night.

Gauche said...

I am so glad I'm at home reading this, because I have not stopped bursting into hysterical giggling for the last hour due to the visuals you just gave me...

on a side note...I have three pudding cups of chocolate pudding in my fridge....guess what just got tossed in the trash?

I both hate and love you right now....

LiLu said...

You had to use PUMPKIN, didn't you.

That was honestly grosser than the worms.

Becky..AMHW said...

Ever clean horse stalls in the high heat of summer?

Nevermind, I won't describe how crunchy that can sound.

moooooog35 said...

Malach: Dude..I think you've had too much Valium this morning. No idea, man. No idea.

Phillipia: Dying to know what you dreamed of now. Dholes? Cthonians?

Gauche: I had no idea giggles could be hysterical.

The more you know.

Lilu: Now..just imagine worms in pumpkins.

You're welcome.

Becky: Cleaning horse stalls in the high heat of summer.

Not really high on my bucket list..so, no.

Christina_the_wench said...

You put it in the frig? You people are nasty. I imagine a late night munchies run that could go horribly wrong. (shivers)

sunflowerlover.wordpress.com said...

OMG. Tears. tears of laughter....they won't stop. hilarious!

Bon Don said...

that last picture made me pee a little! LOL thanks for the laugh!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Truly, you lead the life, my friend. It's a shitty life, to be sure, but you lead it. It's yours, and yours alone. Thank God.

MommaKiss said...

Bag o' shit. Incredible. next time, make her bring it in. Then she looks like the asshole. Poor sophie.

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