Sneaky...Like Ninja Dog Crap | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Sneaky...Like Ninja Dog Crap


Well..

It's Fall here in New England.

And that can only mean one thing.

What's the one thing, you ask?

You may be guessing that "Fall in New England" brings:

1) Vibrant Fall foliage bursting through the landscape

2) Crisp, fresh apples arriving in the orchards

3) The farms are full of joyous laughter from children on hay rides

4) Mental Poo will have a story about dog shit

If you were thinking anything other than #4, then you don't know me very well.

Hello?

Mental POO.

Moron.


You see...

..when the weather in New England starts to get cold, the leaves change color and begin falling off the trees.

It's truly magical.

I hate this.

I hate this not ONLY because it brings throngs of dipshits through my state with the sole purpose of looking at leaves.

Seriously..people.

They're LEAVES.

LEAVES.

You're looking at LEAVES.

How does this NOT make you sit back and go:

"Hey...honey...it just occurred to me that we've driven more than 3 hours to look at a red leaf."

Freaks.


So not only does the onset of Fall bring out those idiots, but it also brings about this phenomenon:

The mysterious and elusive camo-poo.

Yes.

Camo-poo.

Or, the proper Latin term:

Camouflageus Defecatious

Camouflaged poop.

Not mine, mind you.

My poop remains large with bright red stripes (I should probably have that checked out) and stares at me from my own toilet.

Seriously.

It's like the corn is peering into my very soul.

Freaks me out.


No...I'm talking about my dog's poop.

My dog has run of the yard...which is okay because she tends to launch her turds over near my back fence.

Where the trees are.

In the summer or winter, this is fine...because I can find the poop pretty easily.

Me: "AHA! There's the poop!"

num num num num.

I mean, um.

To scoop it up.

Phew.

Dodged a bullet there.

However...

Cover said poop now with 15 million goddamn leaves of all different shades of brown, green, red, brownish red, greenish red, taupe (taupe?!)...

...and finding said dog shit becomes an effort in detective work.

Here...let me show you some examples.

Here is a photo of a bunch of leaves in my yard.

Your task:

Can you spot the pieces of shit?

(click to enlarge...that's what she said)


Well...

How did you do?

Were you able to find the dog crap?

No?

Do you know why you couldn't find it?

Because it's all stuck to the bottom of my goddamn foot, that's why.

That's a fantastic feeling.

Let me tell you...

There's nothing better than going blind searching barefoot (yes...barefoot) through a pile of friggin' leaves like you were searching for diamonds and then realizing that OH..OH I JUST STEPPED ON A DIAMOND !!!...

...but instead of a diamond it's just a big, giant, squishy pile of dogshit.

Awesome.

Here...here's one you may fare better with.

Can you spot the pieces of shit?


Hint: there are three.

(click to enlarge)


There.

I made it easier for you.

I wish my dog would make it easier for me, though.

Maybe I'll start feeding her Chinese food.

Or better yet...

Maybe I'll just invite some of those stupid friggin' leaf-peepers over the house and wait for those stupid bastards to yell, "OH, JESUS!! I STEPPED IN CRAP!!"

Ha.

Serves 'em right.

Two birds, one stone.

46 comments:

kyslp said...

Thank goodness I don't have dogs. I usually have a plethora of leaves though. (They haven't started coming down yet.)

Gauche said...

damn, you poor bastard. I think having other people tramp over your yard to find the poo is a effective idea. try it.

too bad you can't train dogs to use a litter box. meh.

happy Autumn my friend, sorry bout the hidden ninja poo.

Hope said...

Clearly, the answer to your problem is to send your dog over for a visit with the neighbors! They won't know what you've left them until Spring!

Christina_the_wench said...

You seek out and pick up your dog's poo in your OWN yard? WHY? It will go away eventually. Unlike that rash you have....

Joel Klebanoff said...

Thank you for enlightening me. I always thought that spring was the appropriate season for dog shit stories. In spring, at least in places like where I live that get snow in the winter, the melting snow reveals in, all of its malodorous splendor, not just the fall-camouflaged dog shit, but also all of the winter dog shit that people left there because, "Hell, the snow will cover it up."

Right, dipstick, the snow WILL cover it up, but you're forgetting one thing. Even in this winter wonderland, spring eventually comes.

Now that I think about it, maybe every season is a good season for a nice dog shit story.

Don said...

Barefoot in New England? In the fall? I'm going to shoot the next bastard that ask if southerners wear shoes! Especially if there's even the slightest possibility that we could step in dog shit-no matter the color! Peace!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

This may be your funniest post ever. I especially love the bit about the tourists. But here's what's really grabbing me: I think you should turn this poo-leaf thing into a book. It'll be just like Where's Waldo? and make you rich. If you're not already rich, of course. One suggestion, though: leave out the photo of the poo arranged into words. I was eating lunch when I saw that and now I'm cleaning up lunch off my keyboard.

Ed Adams said...

Try shoes.

Just a thought.

Or maybe doggie diapers?....for the dog, not you....unless you need them too.

I'm only here to help.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I don't have pets but I keep finding animal poop on my front porch. Even better when I'm running late for work and have to clean it off my shoes. Stupid stray cats....

Narm said...

Hmmm - Fall in New England is a lot like Cleveland - we are busy cleaning up all the shit here, too.

Bye, Eric Wedge!

Chris Allin said...

Send the children out there first, it's fine.

Leeuna said...

Ohhhh! This post is hilarious. I think I hurt myself. I've never thought of poop as being funny until now...

The Peach Tart said...

I love this. I like the lady that pooped her pants. Been there, done that, though not while looking at leaves. I especially liked the I Heart sign too. You are truly twisted. In a good way.

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

Don't be hatin' on the A-Rod. Seriously. For a guy that roots for a team featuring a beanpole named Clay Butthole (as in, that's where Gumby shits from), you sure talk a lot of smack.

Good luck with the Angels, by the way.

Zen Mama said...

Ancient Chinese proverb say 'he who seek the path of ninja dog crap with bare feet end up with stinky souls'.

JenJen said...

Nothing like festering piles of shit to top off an already dismal day.

CatLadyLarew said...

It's a mine field out there! Good luck with that!

Anonymous said...

it's true that you can train your dog to shit in a designated area. if you walk your dog to one area everyday for a while, your dog will learn to shit in that area.

Malach the Merciless said...

See another reason Malach hates Dogs. Cats are easy, they go in the woods and hide it in one place, or use a litter box

Harnett-Hargrove said...

I like the way you think. -Jayne

The Offended Blogger said...

Well, I won't expose your little secret but we both know you enjoy the occasional poop foot in the fall.

It's ok, you are only human.

Somewhat.

:)

moooooog35 said...

kylsp: plethora? do you even know what a plethora is? I'd hate for you to tell me that I have a plethora..and you don't even know what plethora means.

(Three Amigos..best. scene. ever.)

Gauche: Like I want people near my house. How will I continue "creepy old neighbor" mode then?

THINK!

Hope: Their dogs are bigger. Payback is a bitch.

Christina: I pick it up and then chuck it over the fence into the river.

Might not want to have a glass of water at my house.

Joel: snow doesn't dissolve poo?

Well..there goes my idea for conserving water this winter.

Don: if we didn't go barefoot now, our barefooting season in New England is roughly 4 days long.

Mike: GENIUS!! Where's Pooldo?

Ed: I'd rather scrape shit out from my toes than in between the little ridges on the bottoms of my sneakers.

Worst. Snack. Ever.

Bird shit: wouldn't have this issue if you had a dog.

Narm: HA! Wedgie! Wedgie!

Chris: You sound compassionate.

Leeuna: Poop not funny? Who ARE you?

Peach: Thanks for sharing the lovely poop in pants tidbit.

Ugh..tidbit. There's a visual I didn't need this morning.

DK: The day Clay does roids, cheats on his wife, bangs Madonna and swats away a baseball like a little bitch, I'll see your point.

And good luck with Detroi...oh. Nevermind.

Zen: I don't eat Chinese food enough. That fortune cookie would have come in handy.

JenJen: Typical Tuesday for me.

CatLady: It's like 'Saving Private Ryan' but with shit instead of Nazis.

Anonymous: where's the challenge in THAT?!

Malach: ..and get eaten by coyotes and need to be replaced. Good plan there.

Harnett: That makes two of us!

OB: Poop Feet would be a great name for a rock band.

Well..not great.

Mike said...

You need to train your dog to projectile poop into the neighbors yard like I did.

She can hit the pool three houses down in 2 poops or less.

Franks red hot on her kibble helps.

Kirsten said...

That's what people get who badmouth living in California because you want to "experience the seasons". Have fun experiencing those seasons. Meanwhile my shoes are clean!
Btw, thanks for participating in my contest!!

Carissajaded said...

WHAHAH!!!! Hilarious!Except for the fact that I accidentally left the poo picture up when I went to the restroom and my boss asked what I was looking at on work time.

*the only good thing about stepping in poo camouflaged with leaves, is at least you have something to wipe the poo off with.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: I have a similar talent.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Kirsten: I'd rather step in dog shit than be burned alive in a raging forest fire and then doused out when my state slips into the ocean because of a giant fucking earthquake.

But that's just me.

Carissa: Tell him he shouldn't be mad...I MADE that picture at work.

My boss is sadder than yours.

Becky..AMHW said...

Color me idiot, I'd love to come see the leaves!

Sniff...where I live there are no trees...

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh My God. I have REALLY missed reading your blog. I am laughing soooooooooooo had right now.

"Camouflageus Defecatious"


Fucking. Hysterical.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

yet another masterpiece. how do you do it? here's a suggestion - never pick up the dog poop EVER and when it gets hard, the dog will just eat it, problem solved. they have bad breath anyhow, right?

Buzzardbilly said...

The latin name is hilarious! Bravo!

We have two German Shepherds. One of them loves to eat his own poop, so no poop can be in the yard for any amount of time or he will make a beeline to it and chow down. In the winter, when he's chowing down on a forgotten frozen turd, we call them poopsicles.

The answer is to walk the dog beside the road, then knock the shit into the road so cars carry it away for you. 'S been working for Curmy since back when he lived in Massachusetts.

Greeneyezz said...

That is *almost* as bad as being indoors with a long haired cat who, unbeknownst to me, the barefoot owner, that he has left a large squishy wet and still bodily-warmed HairBall that was just chucked up a few minutes prior to my toes landed in it. (It's almost like quick sand.

Body Temperature warm Quick sand.

Blech!!

~ZZ

Greeneyezz said...

And your Latin is Brilliant!

;)

Jill Pilgrim said...

Dude, I just spent like 20 minutes looking for a piece of shit in that first picture. I couldn't find it. I feel like kind of a failure.

nonamedufus said...

This got me thinking of the poor people in India. Many of them have elephants for pets. They can find the poo and you'd have to have a lot of trees in order to have enough leaves to hide it. Rich Inidan families have 2 or more elephants and that's why they're referred to as Grand Poo-bahs.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

got an award for you, if you do that sort of thing and if you're smart, you won't b/c MY GOD is it a lot of work but anyhow there ya go

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i want to use the i love u poop on my blog and i want it to say

are you stalking me

can you help a sister out

I Wonder Wye said...

When I was a kid the neighbors across the street came over to our yard every day so their big a-- dogs could use the bathroom. Like we grew the stinking grass so their dogs could have a crap park. Like they didn't notice we liked to play touch football in OUR yard, and had to dodge the damn poop. And none of it was as artful as yours I might add. So, one day my brother put a dried up piece in small brown bags on every one of their 14 steps leading up to their house. They had to have known, but nothing was ever said about it.

Maxie said...

Oh my god. this is amazing. But you know what's worse than the Camouflageus Defecatious? When your dog is an asshole and once it gets cold he refuses to poop outside so sometimes you wake up and get out of bed in YOUR OWN HOUSE and step in shit. NOT COOL.

Jen said...

One of the reasons I had children. They get to rake the leaves and step in the shit.

moooooog35 said...

Becky: What place has no trees? You live in the ocean? Are you a mermaid?

Awesome.

Meleah: Don't make that mistake ever again.

Speaking: Great suggestion...nothing like having a nice gooey lawn come spring.

Buzzrd: Walking the dog would constitute exercise and I shall have no part in such a thing.

Greeneyezz: I would take the hairball over previously eaten dog food any day.

Jill: That's because the average time for success is 21 minutes.

Give it another shot.

nonamedufus: Dude..that was a looong trip for the cymbal crash.

Speaking: Thank you for the award.

However, unless it's accompanied by cash I'm usually a prick about it.

* cough

I'm not sure about the poop picture comment...you want me to make it for you? Or craft my own feces?

Please explain before I do something I'll regret and have a hard time cleaning up.

Wye: Of his OWN poop...or the dog's? Because his own would have been funnier.

Maxie: The day my dog does that is the day I sew her butt shut.

Jen: I can imagine that conversation with your husband.

"We should start a family."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah..I'm tired of picking up the dog shit in the yard."

Beautiful.

Kellie said...

Your dog's shit looks like Carrottop? That is horrifying. I would never go into your backyard.

Buzzardbilly said...

I am blogging a moo poo story just in your honor as I type. It'll be up Monday morning. Hope you enjoy.

wickedcourtni said...

CARROT TOP GIVES ME NIGHTMARES.

moooooog35 said...

Kellie: You should see when it breaks out the props.

Buzzrd: moo poo? Sounds like Chinese food.

Courtni: He does that to us all.

Does that to us all.

FRIDA KANSKE said...

HAHAHAHAHA laughing a littlebit . nice blog

Anonymous said...

When my yard dudes come and mows the crap dissapears!!!!mystery

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