The Power of Moog Compels You and Gives You Money from West Africa!! | Mental Poo

Monday, October 05, 2009

The Power of Moog Compels You and Gives You Money from West Africa!!

Who knew that West Africa was a hotbed for comic fodder?

Um...

Put your hand down, Carrot Top.

Using Pygmies as props is SO 1997.

Fucking freak.


I mean that it's a hotbed for comic fodder in regards to all the goddamn spam emails I get.

Hot on the heels of Charles Collins' letter promising me vast fortunes...

( that stupid fucknut never did send me that money...or the info about anally violating hookers...what a jerk)


..comes a new letter.

And, of course, a new reply.

I got the following email the other day:

(abridged...for her pleasure...seriously...it was WAY fucking longer than this)

(click to enlarge...that's what she said)


*************************
FROM: Mrs.Joyce Ghagahaini

Subject: Apostolic Greetings !!!


Dearest In Christ.

My name is Mrs.Joyce Ghagahaini a widow to Mr.Krossa Ghagahaini who was a competent business man here in Abidjan Cote d'ivoire , we were married for many yrs without any child till his death in October 2005 after a brief illness.

My happiness is that my late husband lived a life of a true & worthy Christian and he has this plan before his death which he pleaded with me to appropriate it to accomplishment.

He took this decision with me to use this fund in building an orphanage in his name that will accommodate thousand's of children, and also to use part of this fund in helping the less fortunate and to spread the gospel of the lord to the remote places of the world.


He made this deposit of $( 2.7 Million )USD Two million Seven hundred thousand in a Finance Security Company here in Abidjan .

Recently, my Doctor told me that i would not last for the next 5 months due to cancer & stroke illness.


Having known my condition i decided to seek for a competent and reliable God fearing person or church to entrust this fund to utilize this fund the way i narrated above as my late husband desired.

The Bible made us to understand that "Blessed is the hand that giveth".

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way.

I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd.

My happiness is that i and my late husband lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as i stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Your's Sister In Christ,

Mrs. Joyce Ghagahaini.

************************

Wow.

Fucking touching shit, eh?


Here's my touching and heartfelt reply:

************************

Dear Mrs. Joyce Ghagahaini,

Wow.

That last name sure is a mouthful!

That's what she said.

Ha ha!

Man...that reminds me....

I once got a blowjob from a girl...

(I will attach photos to describe this 'blowjob' phenomena in our next correspondence because I believe it says in the Bible that to 'puteth ones mouth around thy man's cocketh and sucketh and sucketh and sucketh til it blows like Hurricane Katrina' (The Book of Lindsay Lohan, 3:12) is an abomination unless you fondle his 'balleth sack' at the same time.)

...and she made a sound very similar to your last name:

"Ghaaa...ghaaa...hhaaaniecckk"

Creepy, huh?

Wait, your name is JOYCE?!

It IS you!

Yeah...sure...you're a 'good Christian.'

You weren't such a great Christian when you stuck your pinky in my ass.

Good times, we had, Joyce. Good times.

Anyway, sucks to hear about your husband shitting the bed. And to top it off you've had a stroke AND cancer?!

Jesus H. Christ, Joyce.

Hold on...just heard lightning.

I'm back!

Where was I? I'm confused.

Man...these mushrooms work fast!

Oh yeah.

Husband croaks. And you've apparently become Stephen Fucking Hawking.

Did you ever think that maybe God is punishing you because you wouldn't give your guy a fucking blowjob?

There...live with THAT shit during your last 5 months on Earth, you bitch.

Regardless, I appreciate your offer of the 2.7 million dollars.

However, I think I'd probably blow it all on hookers and "Don't Blame Me...I Voted for Bart Simpson" bumper stickers and shit instead of building a fucking orphanage.

Listen, put on a fucking condom or just blow the guy (don't forget...you always have confession...that's how I'll still get to Heaven even after posing as a back alley gynecologist).

Then you won't have kids that will need to have an orphanage built by someone who'd rather spend the money on hookers and bumper stickers and electric vaginas and shit.

See how that works?

Good luck, Joyce. May the sun rise to meet you...and may your pinky always smell like lube and yesterday's special.

By the way:

I'm a Jew.


************************

Then I sent it.

And, once again, I have not heard back.

Fucking ay.

Joyce Ghagahaini, you are a tease and a vile temptress!

Just like way back when.

Don't act like you don't remember it.

34 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

Such a thoughtful response. I'm sure Joyce is overjoyed to hear back from you!

LiLu said...

I kind of want to start sending those scam emails just to see what I get back. Because if it was this, it would make my fucking day.

And maybe I'd even get to rob a few little blue haired ladies in the process. Silver lining for the win!

kyslp said...

If I send you a scam e-mail will you send me a bajillion dollars or a funny/insulting e-mail in return?
Because I have real problems over here. Problems that only a bajillion dollars can fix.

Mike said...

If carrot top made a baby with sally struthers, would you get a pumpkin?

Matt said...

Seems pretty legit. I'm not sure why you would try to piss her off like that...

I doubt she's going to hand over that 2.7 mil now.

Travis said...

I banged this chicks sister one time. She had Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. It was like having sex with a forgetful vibrator. Tops!

Grace Matthews said...

Thanks a lot. I liked Beeker until now.

Do you pronounce that Gag a hiney? She sent me the same damn e-mail...bitch!

justjp said...

Should have sent her a photo of Carrot Top working out. That surely would have cause the Ivory Coast to fall in the fucking ocean.

moooooog35 said...

Catlady: I sense sarcasm....

LiLu: We should move to Nigeria and start a business.

You in?

Kyslp: I can do the insulting email. I can also do the bajillion dollars, but I'll need to borrow it from you first.

Let me know.

Mike: You'd get, at the very least, my vomit.

Matt: I ruin EVERYTHING!!!

Travis: Vibrators have memories?!

Grace: Mental Poo: Ruining your favorite Muppets since 2007.

Justjp: I think they have tsunamis for that.

Emily said...

That... was pure. Awesomeness! Thank you!

JenJen said...

What's a blow job?

ettarose said...

"Having known my condition i decided to seek for a competent and reliable God fearing person or church to entrust this fund to utilize this fund"
Are you sure this was meant for YOU?

Ed Adams said...

I didn't know you were Jewish!

No wonder you're always asking for money!

Ha!

The Peach Tart said...

Well you know the letter wasn't meant for you because it was addressed to Dearest in Christ.

Dr Zibbs said...

That carrot top pic is just creepy

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

carrot top has obviously gone to the same plastic surgeon as kathy griffin, some eff wit who can't tell his eyebrows from his lips

another masterpiece and i bow to the master

thanks for stopping over at the crib and i look forward to your other 449 entries before the post is removed

Maxie said...

"That's a mouthful"

hahahahahaha

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Holy crap, Mental, I didn't know I was going to get my heart broken, my wallet boosted and my penis erected all in one post. That was like reading porn during a church service conducted by Donald Trump.

Buzzardbilly said...

Off topic:
I knew I'd have you at poo, and I hope you felt as honored as you should have been.

On topic:
LMAO! Your response to poor, sweet, kind-hearted Joyce, probably just ate up her last five months. Now how will she ever find someone "to appropriate to accomplishment" her husband's dream? Fucking scammers.

I keep waiting on Carrot Top to go all Roid Rage. He's become like some experiment in mixing celebutards: He's taken Danny Bonaduce's "Yes, I've got red hair and freckles so I'm gonna bulk up so you can't fuck with me," thrown in Leif Garrett's "Yeah, I'm not so pretty anymore so I'm going to wear Bette Davis's old pancake make-up since she's dead and ain't using it anymore," and added a long dangly dollop of Weird Al's "No, I was never cool, but I can grow my curly locks long" approachs to "I might have been interesting for a moment and I'm going to milk it for a lifetime" approach to stardom. Sometimes he even wears Bret Michaels cowboy hat.

moooooog35 said...

Emily: It's what I do.

Never.

JenJen: EXACTLY.

Etta: What? I TOTALLY fear God.

I mean, seriously, you think he's going to let me get away with this shit?

Ed: I had no idea I was Jewish, either.

Peach: Dearest..driest...poTAto...poTAHto...

Zibbs: It's un-retouched!

I have no idea what that means.

Speaking: '..stopping over at the crib...'

You make it sound do creepy.

Maxie: I expect nothing less from you.

Awesome.

MikeWJ: Sounds like someone speaking from experience.

I'm with ya, brotha.

Buzzard: I need to get him to follow me...I think he'd enjoy the satire and OMG HE'S HERE TO KILL ME!!!

Narm said...

Why you gotta hate on Beeker and compared him to Carrot Top?

Zen Mama said...

Settle down Moog, remember you have a bad back.

Gauche said...

wonderful.

can I get you to answer my spam mail from now on? please? your responses are better then mine are.

Knucklehead said...

I'm gonna kill ya for talkin' 'bout my sister that way.

- Achmed Gaggaheiny

The Vegetable Assassin said...

...Beeker is going to kick your ass for that. He always fancied himself more Danny Bonaduce.

Lamaworks said...

I thought you go more handjob or blowjob since Blessed is the hand. Be fun to mail these jokers a box of poop.

Don said...

You didn't happen to get her telephone # did you? I mean in case I want to make a donation via a one on one...meeting.

Malach the Merciless said...

I got the same offer from Sandra Sotermayer!

Jill Pilgrim said...

Dear Moooooooooooooooooooooooooog,

Please send me your bank information so that I can tell Jesus to let you into Heaven.

Your Sister In Christ,
Jill

The Offended Blogger said...

I had no clue you were a Jew.

Rawr.

:)

moooooog35 said...

Narm: I know, I know.

Seems cruel in retrospect.

Zen: My back has been much better since I broke my hand again.

I'm a hot mess.

Gauche: Forward them on over.

I only charge $1..much less than the chick from Nigeria.

Knuckle: Oh...thought you were going to sign it, "Christ."

Veggie: I just can't see Beeker in a celbrity boxing match, though.

Lama: My hand is less 'blessed' and more 'sticky messed.'

Thank you...I'm here all week.

Don: I can email her back if you want. You two sound like a match made in Ghana.

Malach: Was this before or after she sent this to the Spanish people who deserved it more?

Jill: WTF..I already sent St. Michael my ATM pin...when the Hell is this shit going to stop?

OB: I'm not...hence the irony of the email!

Stay with me...always moving.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Poor Joyce, all she wants to do is build an orphanage, it really is a hard knock life.....

Jeniel- what's wrong with mommy? said...

Dude, beeker is way hotter than carrot top.
And way to be ungrateful for the blessing of unsolicited dinero and pinky in the ass blowjobs. Geez, you're a real jerk...

Jennifer Brindley said...

Holy crap. That's almost identical to the letter I sent my grandma last week.

Related Posts with Thumbnails