Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part One | Mental Poo

Monday, November 30, 2009

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part One

Today, I present to you a three-part Mental Poo 'HOW TO' series:

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style

Alternate title to this post:

Why the wife and I belong to no social circles.

Let me explain.

This past Sunday marked the OH MY GOD THANK FREAKING CHRIST end of the fall soccer season.

I. Hate. Soccer.

My 9 year old daughter, Payton, plays soccer.

Therefore, by the theorem 'post-hoc-ergo-propter-hoc,' this means that I hate my daughter.

I'm not sure that's right, but you really can't argue with the math here.


Payton plays soccer.

When I say she ‘plays’ soccer I mean she ‘is physically on the field but emotionally at a debutante ball and God forbid the fucking ball come anywhere near her because that means she would have to actually use her feet and try to KICK the goddamn thing and we’ve been pretty much waiting two years and $300 later and that just ain’t in the fucking cards.’

So, yeah, if you put it that way...

...she plays soccer.

This being the last round of torture for the season, both the wife and I reluctantly went.

Let's begin class on how to lose friends and alienate people, shall we?

1) Marking the Calendar

So, my wife and I are sitting on the sidelines.

We're right in between a mother of a girl on our team, and parents of a kid from the other team.

Payton is playing defense.

This means that Payton is basically just standing next to the other kid playing defense and discussing things like butterflies and shit.

I’m so proud.

The ball, somehow, some way...

...rolls straight towards her.

Oh. No.

This marks the point in the game where we usually have to start screaming at our kid to DO SOMETHING for Chrissakes. ANYTHING.



Jesus H. Christ.

You’d figure that two years into the soccer program that something like ‘kick the ball’ would be pretty much understood by a player as ‘something you might have to do during a fucking soccer game.’

Welcome to my world.

Then. It happens.


* blink

Me: “Holy fucking shit. Holy shit! HOLY SHIT she kicked the ball. I think that's a sign of the Apocalypse.”

Wife: “Oh my God, I think I’m going to pass out.”

Both: "..hahahahahaha.."

Other parents: ?

At this point, the parents are looking at me and my wife because we are, essentially, shitting all over our own kid and then laughing about it.

Parents out there: if you don’t do it, you should try it.

It’s really really fun.

Me: “Holy crap. I can't believe she kicked the ball. I’m totally marking my calendar. THIS IS A GREAT DAY!”

* wife and I high-five each other

I look over, laughing, and the other parent is all like ‘the fuck?’ because I’m sure SHE’S never shit all over her own child in public for the sake of humor.

Screw you, lady.

It’s what we do.

Just because it's to our own kid doesn't make it any less funny.

Or mean.


Moog out.

39 comments: said...

And this is why Vlad never played team sports... not to mention the fact that he inherited my klutziness. Congrats to Payton, though, on her triumph!

Lee said...

Sounds like me and my husband at our son's baseball games. He moved to the base....WAY TO GO!!! HE MOVED HIS FEET!!! IT'S A MIRACLE!

Brndoutw8ress said...

making fun of kids is the only way you as parents can keep your sanity! So I say rock on! Fuck those prissy parents that congratulate their kids for doing absolutely NOTHING, that gives these weeny kids a sense of entitlement that they don't deserve.Thanks for the laughs that cat pic is hilarious!

JenJen said...


You are not only narcissistic,but you suck as a parent too.

The fuck?

Travis said...

Soccer was invented by European women to keep themselves busy while their husbands did the housework. -Hank Hill

Ed said...

Took my 10 yr old 3 years to learn to kick the damn ball. He still has not mastered the running part, or the general effort part for that matter.

My 5 yr old's idea of playing is to stand in the center of the field and dance. Like he thinks the crowd is there to watch him do his best MC Hammer/Michael Jackson impression.

Fucking kids.

Kris said...

My son's one and only foray (sp??) into the world of soccer resulted in a lot of nose-picking and cloud-watching.

He did score one crazy-ass fluke of a goal while in defense. 2 years later, we're still talking about it.

mepsipax said...

Holy shit batman that was some funny shit. I tease my kid too. Why let some impersonal bully do it for you. At least I will do it to his face. lol. I did the soccer and baseball thing. Not in the stars.

Tracie said...

I put up with the daisy picking and social chit-chat for one soccer season and then I made my kid quit.

kate sweeten said...

Holy crap! Your daughter plays the same style soccer that I did when I was 5. I think she's actually on to something - butterflies and shit are actually WAY more exciting than the game of soccer (especially when played by little girls). My favorite part of that god-forsaken game was snack time at the end. Those orange slices were the shit.

Moooooog35 said...

Catlady: I had a comment here for you but it totally takes a back seat to the fact that your kid's name is 'Vlad.'

"..and the ladies know him as 'the impaler'..."


Lee: I know. Kids suck, huh?

Brndout: If humiliating your own children in public is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

JenJen: No..I'm AWESOME as a parent.

Just a tad bit mean, is all.

Big difference.

TwoNormalMoms: I tell myself that same thing every morning.

Travis: There you go again...quoting hillbillies.

Ed: How does he do a Michael Jackson impression? Does he start molesting the other kids then OD?

Kris: Nose-picking and cloud watching sounds like me on the sidelines, actually.

mepsipax: I know, right? Harden the kid is going to give it worse than I can.

kys: Way to persevere, there.

Kate: You may want to check back on your medical records because, unless I'm mistaken, orange slices aren't supposed to taste like shit.

Ann Imig said...

I hope you will celebrate the anniversary of her kick every year.

Joshua said...

I had some smartass comment about this, but my work's network sucks and often won't let me make comments, so it's gone now. Something about me playing soccer as a kid and kicking a goalkeeper in the nose. His fault for diving. Douche.


The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Yesterday my four year old son was pretending to be a cow and mooing and stomping around on all fours.

It was cute.

That was until he pulled down his pants so we could see his udder.

Kick the ball would have been much more modest, ya know?

Bird Shit said...

That sounds exactly what we do at my nieces soccer game....except we are usually drunk from just leaving the bar....oops!

Chris said...

I actually did see parents do pretty much that same thing at one of my son's Little League games a few years ago. Their son, Spencer, was the team's first string benchwarmer, meaning he got his required one at bat per game/three defensive outs and that was all. His offensive stats were 0 - 12 with 12 strikeouts (looking) and four walks. To wit, he never swung the bat. Never. Swung. The. Friggin. Bat.

So in the last game, with the count predictably 0-2, Spencer took his first swing of the season, and his parents went batshit with excitement (a very sarcastic tone, but batshit nonetheless).

The fact that Spencer had just whiffed on a pitch a foot over his head had nothing to do with it.

Matt said...

I dont even know this "soccer" game you speak of.

but ut definitely sounds like the other parents are a bunch of uptight assholes.

Like you and your wife are the only two who bring alcohol to a kids soccer game.

I dont know if thats true actually, Im just assuming here. Sorry if I am wrong.

Moooooog35 said...

Ann's Rants: If there's cake involved, I'm all for it.

Joshua: They say if you treat someone badly it means that you really like them.

Something you're not telling us here, Josh?

Becky: It's when he tries to milk himself that you have to start worrying.

I really can't believe I just wrote that.

BirdShit: I'm sure her mother is very happy with you.

Knucklehead: Bingo.

Matt: I can't even imagine what it would be like if we were actually drunk.

I'm assuming, somehow, pinatas would be involved.

Coffeypot said...

I believe the Surgeon General put out a warning that being a parent at a under-10 soccer game is hazardous to your health. And causes grey hair.

Me-Me King said...

Yeah, my daughter's father and I would shit all over her when she would grace the field with her presence at her softball games.

She's an alcoholic now and blames us.
(sigh) At least she gave up stripping.

nonamedufus said...

Your 4 horsemen and soccer player of the apocalypse was priceless. Your post reminds me of when my daughter played soccer. I think it lasted one summer. She stood at mid-field and didn't move. But she had to do it 'cause all her friends did. And I had to take her. We laugh about it now. (Thank God)

Donnie said...

My son used to play, and when he first started at about age 4 or 5, he kind of stood around looking at how the net stood up. Then he asked for a pair of "real" soccer shoes instead of the Keds that I thought looked cool. So what if they were yellow. It's my fucking money and time watching a kid stare at a fucking net.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Moog, I know, my oldest son is 15.


Vodka Logic said...

I so hate soccer moms...sorry any who read this.

my kid played baseball how yours played soccer.. how full of weeds can I fill my hat in the outfield...sheesh.

JD at I Do Things said...

Sounds like your daughter plays soccer like I used to play softball in gym class.

Except my parents weren't screaming about what a loser I was.

Tho they were probably thinking it.

Kids are perceptive.

JenJen said...

awwww moogsie...did I hit a nerve?
You rock.
You're awesome.
Best parent ever.

Jen said...

I put my son in baseball because the ex said he needed to play sports. The kid could hit the ball farther than anyone on the team but he couldn't run to save his ass and in the field he was worthless. I hated baseball season. He played football too for his freshman year because he is a tank but still has not developed any sense of grace or coordination. He spent most of the time talking to other kids who also didn't want to play on the team. Daughter wants to be on soccer now and so far I have managed to distract her with bribes and other flashy things. I don't think I could handle it if she were on the soccer team. I see what it has done to my brother who hasn't had a weekend to himself in 13 years.

Moooooog35 said...

Coffey: OOH! Considering my bald spot is growing every day, I could use some gray hair.

Me-Me: And still, no photos from the stipper days.

C'mon, know you have some.


Noname: What is weird is my daughter actually puts out more effort than one other girl out there.

If I was her father, I'd kill myself mid-field just to show my displeasure. I don't know how this guy stays silent.

Don:'s a proven fact that cleats help you stare at nets much better.

Becky: Just wash the sheets and don't even think about it.

Vodka: My son plays baseball the same way. But he kills kids in karate, so I let him suck at the ball playing.

JD: They were totally thinking it.

Wow...what a different age it was back then.

JenJen: Um..yeah. No. kidding.
Duh. What he said.


Adrienzgirl: Considering that two of them are lighting the bathroom towels on fire as you're writing that comment, I think we're all in agreement about your parenting skills.

Jen: Your son is the basis of "The Blind Side?!"

Kristin said...

I still want to bang you. said...

As a recently married man who hopes to have kids and live though their crushed sports dreams, this is a reminder to skip the soccer drama. I hate it as boring and so very unamerican...hah..

Malach the Merciless said...

Can't wait until she starts dating!

I tell my 6 year old all the time that I cannot wait until she is 13 and I force her to hold hands with Daddy in the Mall.

Tawnya Shields said...

Dude I have so missed you. How am I ever going to catch up on a year of this good shit? Augh!!!
Hello my friend! Long time no see.

Anyhoo....It has almost been a year since I have blogged. Stopping by to say hello and get my feet wet again with blogging. Sure missed my visits with you.
Take care,

Meat Sweats said...

I don't have any kids. Is it ok that I make fun of my brother's kids? (Never to their faces - who else is going to take care of their poor, childless aunt when she is old - that's why I buy the best christmas presents)

Swirl Girl said...

My kids play soccer too, and softball - and I have girls. I can so relate to your post.

Watching the 5 year olds play is like watching an endless bad polka band do "the Hokey Pokey". They put their whole selves in, they take their whole selves out (of the goal)

If you can't eat 'em...laugh at 'em!

Linnnn said...

Soccer is a blast! I have been called every name in the book for being a horrible un-Christian parent, have taken an umbrella (the one that has ducks on it) to two men fighting on the sidelines, helped style my daughter's hair to cover the bald spot where some pituitary challenged chick yanked it out, and I have been the proud proprietor of the "magic cooler" for adults only. The refs love me. Play ON!

Moooooog35 said...

Kristin: I can't blame you. I want to bang me, too.

Waltsense: "As a recently married man..." Well. Gotta tell you. You're on your way to being a good parent, because bad decision-making skills have already set in.

Malach: Yeah...a guy forcing a 13 year old to hold his hand in a mall won't raise the curiosity of security at all.

Titania: Since you've been gone I've made some can now browse by category up there AND BUY A MUG. WON'T ANYONE BUY A MUG?!?!

MeatSweats: Going to random soccer games and making fun of any child is perfectly acceptable.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Deadpan: Pestilence was busy handing out H1N1.

SwirlGirl: WE CAN EAT THEM?!?!

Linnn: I love the magic cooler. The lady who brings ours stocks it with barbituates.

Good times...good times.

Phillipia said...

Try indoor soccer - not so boring...concussions all around:)

Some parents are way too uptight.

But a few of us....

Even now when G-Man does something stupid on the field we are vocal in a fun way - never letting him live it down.

And when a benchwarmer gets a chance to play and shines a little bit, we are all over that shit. You'd think they won the game.

Yeah, we get glared at a lot....

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I hope you won't mind when I use this very funny post as inspiration for a post of my own about soccer and yet fail to give you credit. :)

Unfinished Rambler said...

I'm not going to use your post as inspiration like Mike, because we don't have kids and, ergo, they don't play soccer. I will give you credit too through Stumble, if you haven't already. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but mooooooog, you rock. :)

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