Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part Two | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style - Part Two

Today I bring you part two of the Mental Poo "How-To" series:

Social Ostracism 101, Soccer Style

You can find part one here.

If you've read part one, you should now know the ins and outs of making fun of your own child in public.

This is a great start towards making sure you have absolutely no adult friends.

Or, at least, any adult friends who don't want to be seen anywhere near you in public or invite you to parties and shit.

We're a lonely people.

Let's continue with part two of our series on how to lose friends and alienate people, shall we?


So, the wife and are I sitting at my daughter's final soccer game of the season.

Did I mention that we absolutely HATE sitting at this shit?

Soccer takes up about an hour of my life that I could spend doing much more important stuff like watching the football pregame shows or cleaning in between my toes or eating something with salt on it (which, depending on my findings, may or may not be something that I discovered in between my toes...two birds/one stone kinda thing).


So the wife and I are sitting through this giant fucking waste of an hour, when, at about ten minutes into the first half...

...a kid from the other team goes down.


He gets knocked to the ground...

...glasses askew.

Then, to add insult to injury, one of our kids steps on him.

He’s DOWN.

He's OUT.

Holy. Shit.

Coaches run over.

Parents run over.

This looks serious.

A hush falls over the crowd.

* cricket

Then...amidst the silence... wife...

Wife: “Hey…maybe they’ll forfeit.”

(other mother glares over)

Me: “Holy shit. That would be AWESOME.”

We laugh.

Then we BOTH start chanting:

“Forfeit! Forfeit! Forfeit!”

Because, you know...

..we kinda want to go home.

Let me tell you:

If I could bottle the looks we were getting and label it as 'Evil Death Stare' and sell it at WalMart I'd be a fucking billionaire.

We’re so fucking mean it’s hilarious.

To us.

I suppose this helps explain the lack of invites to parties and shit.

Oh well.

More time to sit home and watch the pregame shows.

Moog out.


mepsipax said...

I. fucking. love. you. guys.
Your parenting strategy is much like my own. As I roll my eyes in a PTA meeting (I went once I swear) the other parents stare.

Bird Shit said...

Next soccer season bring the camo and a BB gun. You can pick the little f-ers off one at a time so you don't have to sit through any more games.

BigSis said...

See, I don't get invited to the parties, but it's for the opposite reason - I'm the insane football mom who screams her head off and embarrasses the other parents. Clearly, I don't care :) said...

Watching a kids' soccer game with you would make it almost worth going! (Which is why I have no real life friends either.)

Travis said...


The "Is that a tooth?" thing made me lose it.

You are one hell of a funny guy, even if you think I want you to touch my little Travy.

Vodka Logic said...

I'm with Travis... very funny.

Yeah glad my kids out grew the organized sports

Matt said...


thats classic.

Lee said...

I am seriously laughing my ass off!!

Moooooog35 said...

mepsipax: They especially like it in PTA meetings if you start with, 'Are we done now?' 30 seconds into it.

BirdShit: * jotting down notes

BigSis: We scream our heads off too, but it's usually stuff like, "LET'S GO HOME! LET'S GO HOME!"

CatLady: I think that's why some of the other parents stick around.

Travis: You named it 'little Travy?' Dude. Sounds like a train on the isle of Sodor.

Vodka: Wait. This stuff is supposed to be ORGANIZED?!?!

Matt: We're a funny, yet mean, people.

It's how we roll.

Lee: So, what you're saying is that 'Mental Poo' is good for your diet?

I'm totally using that.

smsrls24 said...

I can hardly believe I have NEVER found anything (even close to) tasting like salt between my toes! DAMMIT! You are so cool. . .just because of that!! :) *bows down*

Anonymous said...

believe it or not, this will all pay off in the long run. one day you'll be able to hold this over your kids' had to sit through their stupid soccer games and they'll have to visit you in the nursing home, dammit.

Kellie said...

I am printing this out and putting it in my future to do list once I have a kid. Perfect!

Me-Me King said...

Sounds like fun! I'm sending this one to my son so he, too, can pass down the tradition of public humiliation by shitting on his own kids.

Thanks, moooooog, this saves me "the" talk.

Anonymous said...

I thought "bat" mitzvahs were for the chicks. can chicks be considered putz's?????? inquiring minds wanna know

Mike said...

If I ever have children I'd like parenting courses from you.

Of course, If I ever did have children the government would probably take them away.

I mean, LOOK at me!

bikramyogachick said...

Your wife rocks!

carissajade said...

haha that is awesome. I would have been right there with you... I'm like that even at professional soccer games...

adrienzgirl said...

What the hell? Since when does parenthood mean you are supposed to turn in your fucking sense of humor?

Boo stupid parents who have no sense of humor! Also, you are raising children with no funny bones either!

Fuck! I think you're funny!

Coffeypot said...

My granddaughter was playing (??) soccer when the ball was coming right at her and I yelled 'kick it'. Of course she stopped and look straight at me with the dagger look as the ball rolled on by. I kept quiet after that.

Tracie said...

Clearly, you guys were made for each other.

I don't get invited to things either. I think all bloggers are social misfits in one way or another.

Moooooog35 said...

Shawna: There's a whole foot-fetish answer to that..but I'm not getting into it right now.

Noelle: I shall kill myself way before I have to share a room with a woman who spits at me. I get that enough at home.

Kellie: I KNEW I should have made this 'clip n save'

Me-Me: You're welcome. Send money.

L'uragano: I didn't even notice that but don't have any to ask. Let me know how you make out.

Mike: I think natural selection is way ahead of you on that one.

Bikramyoga: HEY..I was half that conversation, too!

carissa: go to professional soccer games. HAHAHAHA.

adrienz: I think I'm funny, too. I tell myself this every morning.

Coffey: See? That's where you went wrong. Right THEN is when you go BALLISTIC.

Maybe next time.

Kys: We should get on an island with Hermie the dentist.

Don: YOU HAD A BABY?!?!?!

Meat Sweats said...

Finally, after searching long and hard I have found the perfect symbol of parenting to model myself after. You can thank me later for using the phrase long and hard.

Ducky said...

I loved that you BOTH laughed at the four feet....oh wait, you weren't making a joke about your vertical status?

OH! in give up, game over?



Brutalism said...

I used to get invited. But usually after a couple of drinks I would say, "kiss my open rectum" about one thing or t'other, and gradually, the invites dried up.

BTW, did the little glasses askew nerdo survive?

Malach the Merciless said...

I am sure the kids was just practice his soccer flops so he can go pro

Ed said...

The soccer game HAD to be better than watching that Ass-whipping by the Saints.

Kirsten said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You're good people!! I love it!

Moooooog35 said...

MeatSweats: Ha. "Long and Hard." That's what she said.

Never. Never have I heard that.

I cry sometimes.

Brutalism: Lady, if your rectum is open, you're invited to my parties any day of the week.

Just sayin'.

Malach: They flop in pro soccer?

You said 'pro soccer' like it's a real thing. Funny.

Ed: You cut me deep right then, Ed. Cut me deep.

Not as deep as Drew Brees' passes through our non-existent secondary...but deep nonetheless.

Kirsten: 'You're good people.'

Well...there's a first for everything, I guess.

Unknown said...

Maybe I would enjoy watching mine warm the bench if I tried that strategy.

Unknown said...

OMG!n That was so funny. Thanks for a great laugh! I may have to follow you now!

Diva's Thoughts said...

OMG!!! Dude you are off the charts! I'd so be there chanting right along with you though! "FORFEIT...FORFEIT...FORFEIT!!" lol

JenJen said...

You guys crack me up.

Moooooog35 said...

Brndout: You people are giving me fantastic ideas!

My wife is SO not getting into the PTA.

Etta: It's harder to make fun of them when they're not playing. Think, woman!

Eva: You're welcome. Come back tomorrow for Part 3.

It's like a miniseries but better than Roots.

Tee: We totally would have started the wave if the people would have just gotten off their lawn chairs.

JenJen: Yes..we're a regular Two Stooges.

The Peach Tart said...

You and your wife would be my best friends and invited over every week if you yelled forfeit at my daughter's soccer games. Sooooo boring.


hey as a crazed soccer mom myself that's taking it a bit far

i would've asked the dork who took the death dive if he was okay first before i asked the coach about a possible forfeit


MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Until my son started playing hockey, I had to sit through hours and hours of soccer, so I can totally relate to your sense of boredom.

rachaelgking said...

Oh, if only you'd been videotaping! You could've made the next THIS.

MrsBlogAlot said...

LOMFL!!! letmetellyousomething...I would invite you guys anywhere!

Jessica said...

mom: why do you even LIKE soccer?! Gawwwd do I have to go to your games???

me: wow, mom. awesome. Thanks for the "support."

then I started playing basketball...and she was all over that like a pig in shit.

The. Hell.

Phillipia said...

I have thought "forfeit" when someone on the other team went down, but I have never actually said it out loud....

I have said "get him off the field so we can finish the game - it is fuckin freezin out here..."

Does that make me a better or worse parent than you...

Unknown said...

I am a coach of U6...I feel your daughter is the same way. AND I like a good forfeit, it takes the pressure off.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: We're available on Saturdays. Let me know if that works.

Speaking: That makes you a better woman than I.

Which makes sense, I guess.

MikeWJ: And now it's just hours and hours of sitting at rinks at 3 a.m.

Nice job trading up.

Lilu: No comments are complete without a Parry Gripp reference.

Mrsblogalot: Let us know the next time you have a key party. Thanks in advance!

Jessica: It's called 'tough love.'

Or..bad parenting..I forget which.

Phillipia: I think we're on even ground here, to be perfectly honest with you.

Wym: U6 = death. I can't even imagine the lack of ignorance with that age group. Needles to eyes, stat!

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG! I would TOTALLY invite you and your wife to any and all sporting events involving children. I think that was HILARIOUS.

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