Assless Chaps were Definitely the Way to Go | Mental Poo

Monday, December 07, 2009

Assless Chaps were Definitely the Way to Go


Soldiers.

Shots.

Assless chaps.


It was like a war zone.

Except, you know, people were drunk and it was in a billiard's bar and there were hot chicks walking around in designer dresses and there was a raffle for a puffy shirt.

So, I guess, not much like a war zone at all.

Analogy FAIL.

Let me explain.

On December 3rd, I had the privilege of being invited to cover a charity event to support a 'holiday stockings for military soldiers overseas' program.

The event was a fashion show put on by New Hampshire's own 'Whiskey Girls.'



What's a Whiskey Girl?

I don't know, what's a whiskey girl with you?

* cricket

Wow. That didn't work AT ALL.

(I usually hear that same line after attempting sex)


The Whiskey Girls is a promotional staffing company who strategizes, markets and coordinates fundraising events for worthwhile 501(c)(3) charities.

They also provide professional models for a business's marketing needs. Promoting products all over New England.

I stole that from their website.

If I was to write it, it would be, like, "They're chicks in mini skirts who raise money for good causes and did I mention they're hot and, oh yeah, you can have them help you raise money or maybe sell your shit."

Their wording is slightly better.


So, with my trusty friend Kristin in hand (not literally, because, well..I had no roofies) as my 'photographer,' we headed to Jillian's in Manchester for the show.

The following are my notes from the night.

As a side note, I was scrambling for a small notepad before I left and almost decided on one of my daughter's High School Musical notepads with a big picture of Zac Efron on it before realizing that I didn't want to die in a puddle of my own blood in the back alley of a pool bar in New Hampshire.

So, simple white paper it is!


7:00 - Arrive at Jillian's

7:10 - I ask where Jen (a.k.a., 'Mama Whiskey' - the founder of 'Whiskey Girls') is.


We are brought to the back room where, like, 12 girls in mini-skirts are walking around.

Every single girl here is taller than me with the exception of one.

I suck.

Jen is getting her hair done so she tells us to - GET THIS - mingle and help ourselves to the catering.

?!?

I.

Am.

A SUPERSTAR.



7:15 - I notice the two soldiers here.

Note to self: Avoid throwing chairs.

7:20 - while waiting at the table for the show to start, Kristin decides to tell me about the first time she thinks she did anal.

'Thinks' being the operative word here, because unless you're my dream girl, I believe that alcohol is required for this and in Kristin's story she basically blacked out.

I will stop here.

That's it's own post entirely.

7:55 - I finally introduce myself to Mama Whiskey who is flying around so I barely have time to say 'hi' and OMG OMG OMG they just put on Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" over the speakers and this may be the best. night. ever.

7:58 - Now they're playing 'Wonderwall.'

The night has been ruined.


8:05 - Waiting for the show to start I notice the following things:

a) Next time I do one of these things, I'm coming in a strapless gown because I'm the only one in this entire bar - models included - who's tattoo isn't showing

b) I could totally kick that guy's and that guy's and maybe that girl's ass.

c) Some guy just walked in and is saying 'hi' to everyone. He appears to have 'connections.' I will not try to kick his ass as I don't want to sleep with fishes.

d) Scary connected guy is apparently one of New Hampshire's State Reps. Also, I know nothing of politics. I'm not sad about this.

e) Kristin and I just bought raffle tickets. Kristin is now hammered and confused about the 'Keep this Coupon' part of the ticket. Roofies may have not been necessary after all.



8:15 - They just played Poison's 'Every Rose has a Thorn' followed immediately by Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a Prayer.'

Night is officially BACK ON TRACK, BABY!

Mama Whiskey calls me over while she's sitting on a Harley Fat Bob (this is not a euphemism for anyting) from one of the sponsors, Manchester Harley Davidson.


Some of you may recall my wonderful shopping experience at that very same store, where my kids tried to get me to buy a thong.

Fucking kids.

Back to Mama Whiskey...

Photos don't do her justice - she's way prettier in person.

Extra bonus: She is super nice.


She tells me that the 'red carpet' has been replaced by 'red wrapping paper' because the carpet she ordered ended up being two feet long.

Nickelback's 'Wanna be a Rock Star' song just came on and I want to sing to it but Nickelback is undergoing some weird anti-Nickelback movement across the world and I don't want to get beat up but even so I STILL think I can take that guy and that guy and maybe her if I had to.

8:30 - SHOW STARTS!!

It turns out that the girls modeling are actually 'auditioning' to be Whiskey Girls.

Whether or not they get in depends on the applause they get.

I can see the sadness on the face of the guy with one arm who's sitting at the bar.

8:35 - The first round of girls all come out wearing Harley Davidson outfits.


Of the girls, one is a school teacher, three (I think) are nurses and one is by far the hottest and I couldn't care less if she was an unemployed hobo (I don't think she is) because she's smokin'.

The smoking one comes out wearing assless chaps.


Ironically, I almost wore that exact same outfit tonight.

AWKWARD.


8:45 - Girls are now out in dresses from a local boutique. To the chagrin of every man in the bar, none of them are made of clear plastic wrap.




8:55 - I see a guy who looks like Kenny Loggins at the bar.

I'm trying to figure out when spikey hair and a full beard came back into style. Kristin offers me five dollars to walk up to him and start dancing while singing 'I'm Alright.'

I decline this offer.

9:00 - Girls are now out for the third time.

They're all getting decent applause and all look pretty good.


9:10 - Last runway walk for the girls before judging.




9:15 - I review the pictures Kristin has taken so far.

Um...






What. The fuck.

Note to self: Kristin is no longer allowed to take pictures drunk.

9:20 - 10:00 - As the Whiskey Girls mill around the bar, I note the following things:

a) While in the men's room, a woman walks in. Guy next to me yells, 'WHOA WHOA' and tells her to leave. I ask him what's wrong with him. I do not get beat up. WIN.

b) The soldiers pull up the red carpet-wrapping-paper as the night starts to wrap up.

As they're tearing up the duct tape holding the paper down to the floor I say, "Just like they do at the Oscar's."

Soldier is not amused but does not put me into a fatal armlock. WIN AGAIN.

c) They're playing 'Hotel California.' I suddenly feel like slitting my wrists.



10:00 - Mama Whiskey announces raffle winners.

Despite dumping 647 tickets into the bin for the Manchester Monarchs hockey tickets, I win jack shit.

10:10 - Mama Whiskey announces that she thinks she's keeping ALL of the girls who've auditioned.

More importantly, we've raised $551 dollars for the charity!

UBER WIN. (not entirely sure that the use of German is appropriate here)

Nicely done, people.

Hopefully, we're making some soldiers' holidays a little brighter over there.

As we wrap up the night, I say 'thanks' to Mama Whiskey for inviting me, and for her unbelievable hospitality.

I then get to pose with her and the girls for a couple of publicity photos.

Joy.




Aside from the 'Hotel California' thing, I can't really think of a better way to end the night.

Kristin is now sober.

Dammit.

Should have brought the roofies.

Stupid hindsight.

**************************
The wrapup shit:

You can still donate to the 'Holiday Stockings for Overseas Military' by clicking here. Just. Do it.

The Whiskey Girls are an organization who WILL travel for events. If you have an event that you need fundraising for, or a product that you'd like promoted, I can't think of a cooler organization to have do it. Head to their website, check them out, and get it done.

You can also find them on Facebook here and on Twitter here.

For more photos, come over and join me on Facebook...you can see all the pictures in my profile.

Remember, though, Kristin took them so any bluriness you see is NOT your eyes.

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:




If you'd like me to cover an event for you - and get some publicity here - contact me at mailto:midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Don't worry...I'll bring my own roofies.


Moog out.

*************************
UPDATE

It turns out that one of the actual Whiskey Girls wrote to me on Facebook and said:

" By the way the comment about the guy who looks like Kenny Loggins spikey hair and a beard, I believe you may have been referring to "papa whiskey" aka Bossman!!!!! Better start your apologies now! LOL!"

* blink

Um. LOL?


No.

No LOL.

Actually, Jen...Mama Whiskey..if you're reading this...there were, um..TWO, YES TWO Kenny Loggins people at the bar and I'm totally talking about the OTHER guy that's NOT your husband who was totally the cool spikey hair with beard guy and looked more like a modern day Brawny Man than, you know...

Kenny Loggins.

* cough

Thank Christ I didn't fucking SING to him.

Phew.

Bullet. Dodged.

*************************

41 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Sounds like fun. You were the one in the jeans??

adrienzgirl said...

Yeah, Kristin is soooooooo not allowed to take the pics again! FAIL

Mike said...

I do believe this was your BEST. POST.EVER.

Thank you.

miss. chief said...

assless chaps? as opposed to assed chaps?

kys said...

Were your jeans assless?

Travis said...

Moogie baby, I'm fallin in love with you.

We have the EXACT same taste in music.

Also, why the hell did I have to look at a man in assless chaps when you said there was a woman in assless chaps?

Also.

Who is Kristin?

Ed Adams said...

Sounds like a fun time.

Too bad Kristin was too drunk to photo the chaps.

Then chics are HOT.

Oh yeah, Pats lost again.

Daffy said...

I'm a little disappointed you weren't grabbing a handful of something during that group shot....

mepsipax said...

Funny post. You sure do worry about getting beat up a lot. Do you have some inner issues?
And,.... damn you are short.

Eva Gallant said...

glad you managed to avoid an assless chap whippin'!

Moooooog35 said...

Lee: I KNEW I probably should have put a better clue there.

Adrienz: I KNOW. Half the pictures look like they were under water.

Mike: Ever? Really?

The fuck?

Miss.Chief: Yes..because I believe you can get assed chaps.

What the hell are we talking about?

Kys: Only the people behind me know for sure.

Travis: You don't know Kristin? Dude...click on her name in the cloud on the right side of my page.

You might want to put down that sammich.

Ed: Gotta do the whole Pats thing...you're killing me, man. You, and the Pats.

Daffy: I was. If you look closely, you can see my hands in my pockets.

Oh..you meant...nevermind.

Mepsipax: "..damn you are short.."

MIDGETmanofsteel.

Damn. You are slow.

Eva: Thanks...there's always next time, though.

JenJen said...

Moogsy...your picture with Mamma Cass, um, Whiskey is too cute. You look like a kid in a candy store.

nonamedufus said...

"I can see the sadness on the face of the guy with one arm who's sitting at the bar." That one line alone made it worth reading this tale. Funny stuff. Oh, yeah...you're about as tall as you need to be next to Mama Whiskey.

Maxie said...

I bet money isn't the only thing they raised.

Hey-yo!

Don said...

I was recently made to watch a German porn version of Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs. The pic of you and Mama Whiskey reminded me of that...

Matt said...

youre right... mama whiskey and me is a GREAT title for a childrens book.

LiLu said...

I see how it is. You're trying to usurp the awesomeness of the DC events, aren't you??

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Wow, "short" really does stand out in a group picture, doesn't it.

Sounds like a fun event, though, and I'm glad you raised a few bucks.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I'm jealous.

Moooooog35 said...

JenJen: Trust me, all the girls are professional there AND they all have husbands who would no doubt kill me and leave me in a pile of smooshy flesh.

Purple belt or no purple belt, even I have my limits.

Noname: I almost wrote about the woman at the bar with the nose ring, but I couldn't figure out how to NOT make it about nose picking and well, great, I just did.

Maxie: Like..what...like a flag or something? You're so cryptic.

Don: You were made to watch it.

Suuuure you were.

Matt: I KNOW!! Not sure how good 'whiskey' would sell to minors, though.

One way to find out, I guess.

Lilu: A link to Bill Cosby tap dancing.

You are the queen of appropriateness.

Knucklehead: I knew I should have worn my heels.

I mean, boots.

MikeWJ: Of the girls?

Oh..me.

Or the girls?

You need to be clearer.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Man, I misunderstood the whole "Me and Mama Whiskey and the girls" to be just the first picture.

dufmanno said...

I applaud your tireless charity work. Mama Whiskey is just ravishing and a good time seems like it was had by all. On a side note, did you ever catch up with what could have been Kenny L? The gopher dance would have been a lovely addition to singing the song.

Jessica said...

Shouldn't charity have been stated "charity" ?

Yah...

The Offended Blogger said...

Are you available to come over and help cover the 32nd annual Idaho Gay Rodeo Assoc.'s gala extravaganza/roller disco on New Years with me???

You'll be required to wear assless chaps, of course. And glittery rollerblades. And a cowboy hat.

Malach the Merciless said...

All that for $500?

Man it would be even funnier to have me in that last photo, like a foot taller than everyone else

Moooooog35 said...

Mjenks: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

dufmanno: Yeah..um..about "Kenny Loggins"...

..see the update above.

Jessica: Yes. No. What?

Offended: I plan on being there anyway.

To, um..you know..cover it.

Yeah. That's why I'll be there.

MOVING ON!

Malach: Hey..$500 more than they had before they did it.

Plus, you're in New Hampshire. That's, like, $6000 bucks up here.

Brutalism said...

It is generous -- nay, selfless, of you to contribute to charity in this way. I can only imagine how long those volunteer hours felt surrounded by hot, scantily-clad women. You are a model human being. Even when your ass is covered.

Noelle said...

i still can't get the mental picture of you gyrating to kenny loggins while singing "i'm alright"...not sure if that's giddiness i'm feeling or...no...no...just a vomit-burp. i'm ok now.

meleah rebeccah said...

"7:58 - Now they're playing 'Wonderwall.'

The night has been ruined."

That CRACKED me up.

And, these photos are great.

But, your RETRACTION? Now that was priceless!!

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: Sometimes, we have to make tough sacrifices. It's the American way.

Or male way...I forget which.

Noelle: Hold on...I'll make a video.

Might want to put down that breakfast burrito.

Meleah: I can always count on you as being my #1 groupie.

That's right, people..NUMBER ONE.

Now...CATFIGHT!!

dufmanno said...

Whoops. You dodged a bullet on that Poppa Whiskey/Kenny Loggins bit. Good save.

justjp said...

I hate you so much right now. Hanging out with my girls and not even a text message. Boo for you sir, boo for you.

BugginWord said...

That was funnier than Caddy Shack...which I must now go watch AGAIN in the hopes of getting that frickin' song out of my head.

Narm said...

I think there is a negative backlash to Nickelback because they are the spawn of Satan - and I heard they don't recycle.

VE said...

I'm glad you didn't sing "The house at Pooh Corner" for him...

HeyJoe said...

Yet another picture? You are officially out of the closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Mrsblogalot said...

I'm holding out for pictures of you in that strapless gown.

You are killing me! They should really bottle you for the sense of humor impaired.

Even your *crickets are LOFL funny!

Perhaps an infomercial? Sleep on it!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Kristen takes the best pics ever. I'll need her to photograph my next event.

Moooooog35 said...

Dufmanno: That's why I make the big bucks.

And by 'big bucks' I mean 'I'm poor.'

JustJP: Wait..aren't you in DC now? Aren't your girls, like, Monica Lewinski and shit?

Buggin: OMG I should totally make a gopher video.

Although, I'm still getting letters from PETA about the hamster one.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Narm: But..but the POLAR BEARS!!!

VE: I'm glad I don't know of what you speak.

HeyJoe: It's time the world saw the wonder that is me.

Plus, I can't give out autographs if people are just looking for a hand with lipstick on it.

MrsBlogalot: Well..we all know what happened to Billy Mays.

SO worth it.

Bird Shit: Are you drunk?

Linnnn said...

Greta Van Susterin on your head! Take the camera away from Kristin!

I really enjoyed living vicariously through you. Well done!

From a really tall chick. Sorry.

MamaWhiskey said...

Okay...so Kenny Loggins guy, I think was our horse talk volunteer Bob..ha ha ha That's funny.

The guy with the spiked hair & beard is my hubby Billy, aka The Bossman of Whiskey Girls. I LOVE his scruffy beard, it's sexy. LOL

Either way I LOVE the post. It's fabulous and I can't wait for you to blog more on us!!

Visit our site everyone!! www.whiskeygirls.net

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