Panic Attack: 0
Let me explain.
Despite my giant, insurmountable, ridiculous-and-infantile-yet-still-manage-to-be-sexy fear of needles...
I decided to get a flu shot.
The decision to get a flu shot despite the fact that I'm a great big giant pussy when it comes to sharp things PIERCING MY SKIN OH MY GOD IT'S GONNA HURT ISN'T IT, I KNOW IT IS, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE..
Ah. Happy place.
My decision to get a flu shot was based on the following information that I gleaned from my nightly news:
1) I could die from the flu
2) That lady who got attacked by that chimp is all sorts of fucked up now
Not that the chimp attack thing has anything to do with the flu, but it WAS on the news (and OPRAH!) and had she gotten a fucking flu shot who knows if things would be different.
Why take chances with crazy chimps running all over the fucking place when you could just get a shot, right?
That's what I thought, too.
"The Flu Shot: Don't monkey around when it comes to your health."
So when work had a 'flu shot clinic' I decided to pay the ten bucks and get one.
The last time I paid ten bucks to get injected with something I actually ended up GETTING sick.
My uncle haunts my dreams to this very day.
After paying my ten bucks for the shot, the panic starts to set in.
Luckily, I had to fill out this questionnaire, thus prolonging my agony(click to enlarge):
After being made to fill out a SECOND questionnaire (fuck you, Human Resources), I stood in line for half an hour waiting for my shot.
I'm getting closer.
I hate needles.
Oh, shit...this is going to kill.
A little closer.
Okay, okay. Now I'm pretty close to the front of the line and I'm watching people come out from behind the wall and WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE SMILING?!?! How are these people fucking smiling when they just had FLU SHIT shot into their bodies with a needle and you know what?...that chimp attack is starting to look pretty fucking good right about now.
Then it was my turn.
So I go behind the wall of death and the nurse practitioner is there and she's kinda heavy but pretty and I like junk in the trunk because like Spiderman's uncle once said:
"With extra poundage on a broad, comes great big breasts."
That might be wrong.
So I sit down and realize that I'm in a long sleeved shirt.
So I take my entire shirt off.
Why I do this instead of just pulling my one arm out of the sleeve like a normal person I have no idea, but I now realize how fucking creepy this is because I look like a serial killer who's afraid of chest congestion.
Nurse: "Relax, please."
She has to tell me this because:
(a) I'm tensed up like a straight guy's sphincter on his first night in prison and
(b) I was, honestly, kinda trying to flex a little bit.
Worth a shot.
Nurse: "You're all set."
That was it?!?
I'M A CONQUISTADOR, BABY!! I WILL NOW GO EAT A TRUCK!
So I stand up and she looks at me and says:
Nurse: "You will need to stay down here for 15 minutes."
I knew she dug me.
Pec Dance: 1
Nurse's willpower to resist me: 0
Nurse: "Since this was your first ever flu shot, we need to make sure you stay in the area in case you go into shock. Your throat can close up really quickly and if you're not nearby I won't reach you in time."
I could die.
Think they'd put that on the fucking form I had to fill out TWICE.
So now I'm all hanging out in the cafeteria sitting there looking at everyone staring at me wondering what went wrong and why am I there and all I'm thinking is shit like:
"Fuck. Is it getting hard to breathe? I think my throat is tightening up and I'm getting hot and OH MY GOD IT IS AND I...oh, wait...just had to burp..."
So I sat there for 15 minutes freaking the fuck out.
Thank you, nurse. That was soothing.
Should have gone with the chimp option.
At least I'd get to meet Oprah.