Immunized for Your Protection | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Immunized for Your Protection


Nurse: 1
Panic Attack: 0


Let me explain.

Despite my giant, insurmountable, ridiculous-and-infantile-yet-still-manage-to-be-sexy fear of needles...

I decided to get a flu shot.


The decision to get a flu shot despite the fact that I'm a great big giant pussy when it comes to sharp things PIERCING MY SKIN OH MY GOD IT'S GONNA HURT ISN'T IT, I KNOW IT IS, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE..

Breathe.

Breathe.

Ah. Happy place.

Let's continue.


My decision to get a flu shot was based on the following information that I gleaned from my nightly news:

1) I could die from the flu

2) That lady who got attacked by that chimp is all sorts of fucked up now

Not that the chimp attack thing has anything to do with the flu, but it WAS on the news (and OPRAH!) and had she gotten a fucking flu shot who knows if things would be different.

Why take chances with crazy chimps running all over the fucking place when you could just get a shot, right?

That's what I thought, too.

"The Flu Shot: Don't monkey around when it comes to your health."


So when work had a 'flu shot clinic' I decided to pay the ten bucks and get one.

The last time I paid ten bucks to get injected with something I actually ended up GETTING sick.

My uncle haunts my dreams to this very day.

I've digressed.

After paying my ten bucks for the shot, the panic starts to set in.

Luckily, I had to fill out this questionnaire, thus prolonging my agony(click to enlarge):


After being made to fill out a SECOND questionnaire (fuck you, Human Resources), I stood in line for half an hour waiting for my shot.

I'm getting closer.

I hate needles.

Closer.

Oh, shit...this is going to kill.

A little closer.

Okay, okay. Now I'm pretty close to the front of the line and I'm watching people come out from behind the wall and WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE SMILING?!?! How are these people fucking smiling when they just had FLU SHIT shot into their bodies with a needle and you know what?...that chimp attack is starting to look pretty fucking good right about now.


Then it was my turn.

So I go behind the wall of death and the nurse practitioner is there and she's kinda heavy but pretty and I like junk in the trunk because like Spiderman's uncle once said:

"With extra poundage on a broad, comes great big breasts."

That might be wrong.


So I sit down and realize that I'm in a long sleeved shirt.

So I take my entire shirt off.

Why I do this instead of just pulling my one arm out of the sleeve like a normal person I have no idea, but I now realize how fucking creepy this is because I look like a serial killer who's afraid of chest congestion.

Nurse: "Relax, please."

She has to tell me this because:

(a) I'm tensed up like a straight guy's sphincter on his first night in prison and

(b) I was, honestly, kinda trying to flex a little bit.

Worth a shot.


Nurse: "You're all set."

The fuck?

That was it?!?

I'M A CONQUISTADOR, BABY!! I WILL NOW GO EAT A TRUCK!


So I stand up and she looks at me and says:

Nurse: "You will need to stay down here for 15 minutes."

I knew she dug me.

Pec Dance: 1
Nurse's willpower to resist me: 0

Me: "Why?"

Nurse: "Since this was your first ever flu shot, we need to make sure you stay in the area in case you go into shock. Your throat can close up really quickly and if you're not nearby I won't reach you in time."

Oh.

I could die.

How awesome.

Think they'd put that on the fucking form I had to fill out TWICE.

So now I'm all hanging out in the cafeteria sitting there looking at everyone staring at me wondering what went wrong and why am I there and all I'm thinking is shit like:

"Fuck. Is it getting hard to breathe? I think my throat is tightening up and I'm getting hot and OH MY GOD IT IS AND I...oh, wait...just had to burp..."


So I sat there for 15 minutes freaking the fuck out.

Thank you, nurse. That was soothing.

Seriously.

Should have gone with the chimp option.

At least I'd get to meet Oprah.

38 comments:

Mike said...

So, did you die?

Maxie said...

I'll stay down there for 15 minutes.

TWSS.

Becky..AMHW said...

Well, there goes my comment. Thanks a lot Maxie.

Travis said...

This is the worst part of being a diabetic.

I go through this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I GIVE MYSELF A SHOT.

Every day, twice a day.

Sometimes I "forget" to take it.

Who the fuck needs legs, anyway?

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: No matter how much you want it, you can not claim this empire as your own.

Maxie: Why? What's down there? Is it interesting?

I'm lost.

Becky: WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME BECA...

Oh.

Travis: True story:

I once considered taking steroids when I was around 20.

The guy said, "Yep..I'll give you the packs..and the syringes..and.."

Me: "Syringes?"

Dealer: "Yeah. Needles."

Me: "Deal off."

If I hadn't had a fear of needles, I have no idea how small my pecker would be right now. Like I need it any worse than it is.

miss. chief said...

Nice. I like how she was all casual, like, "okay now that it's too late to do anything about it because you've already had the shot, your throat might close up. no big deal."

carissajaded said...

How's it going... still alive? I have never gotten a flu shot, that I remember at least.. and after reading this I'm pretty sure I would just rather suffer through the flu. Thanks!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Uncle Ben was a wise man.

JenJen said...

I'm poked all the dang time, and it doesn't bother me a bit.

Ed Adams said...

I was the same way.

Until I went in the service.

They give you like 15 shots the very first day.
And then again 2 weeks later.
And again at the 2 month mark.

Then I got to medic school, and the way we learned to give shots and take blood and do IV's was to practice on each other.

I pretty much over that needle fear now.

kys said...

Why didn't you just get the nasal spray instead?

Moooooog35 said...

Miss.Chief: I know. You'd think 'chance of dying' might be something worth knowing ahead of time.

Carissa: Yes...nasal drip and chest congestion is WAY better.

Mjenks: The rice guy?

What?

JenJen: I know. We all own the video.

Ed: Dude..I'm totally not entering the service so I can get over my fear of needles. Plus, I have flat feet.

Kys: This was regular flu and if they had an actual spray available here at work you don't think I'd be, like, 'no..no...keep your wonderous spray..I shall, instead, choose to be stabbed.'

THINK WOMAN!

Brutalism said...

I had to give myself shots in the stomach for something at one point. (Try psyching yourself up for that -- ick.) I went to the pharmacy to buy the syringes and asked the person there for them. She said, "do you want the long or short syringes" and I asked (being new to syringe purchasing), "well, what's the difference?" and she said (wait for it), "Well...one is long and one is short."

Mr. Knucklehead said...

I don't mind needles as long as I'm not looking when they jam it in.

Make of that statement what you will, Moog, I'm just hoping your mental Rolodex of smartass answers overloads.

GingerMandy said...

oh for fuck's sake you motherfucking wimp.

Toe said...

I like being sick. Being sick is better than being dead. I see all these people freaking out about the H1N1 and wanting to get vaccinated and I think in like 10 years their kidneys will glow or they will develop a third eye or something because no one thought that shit trough and rushed to get something to inject into people. You'll tell us about any new deformities right?

The Peach Tart said...

I think I'll pass.

mepsipax said...

Don't you know the flu shot is how the guvmint controls you. Seriously though, I hate shots. The worst ever was anthrax. Oh dear god the pain. I am a big baby when it comes to shots but am pierced and tattooed. Go figure.
But, I never, ever get the flu shot. It will kill you.

Jay Ferris said...

I've been wondering why kids get the easy nasal treatment for seasonal vaccines, while us grown-ups are still getting the needle? I mean after all, which one of us is easier to hold down?

Kellie said...

Geez. 15 minutes down there and I bet that nurse was having a hard time breathing. She's a naughty nurse isn't she?

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Big Baby!

Eva Gallant said...

I don't blame your wife for not wanting to go to the doctor's with you! lol

Moooooog35 said...

Brutalism: There's a reason why these people work at Walgreen's.

Knucklehead: My son is the TOTAL opposite. Watched his flu shot all the way in..all the time I'm looking going "OH..OH..OH NO...ACK!"

He's so proud.

Ginger: Hey..why mince words?

Toe: II ssuurree wwiillll lleett yyoouu kknnooww..wwttff..II hhaavvee aa nneeww ffiinnggeerr.

Peach: Have beans did we?

mepsipax: You had an ANTHRAX shot?!?

Are you actually Tom Daschle?

Jay: EXACTLY. Wait..how do you know this?

Kellie: Yes. She was a head nurse.

To paraphrase Maxie:

HEY-O!

Lee: Hold me.

Eva: Isn't it one of her womanly duties? You guys are supposed to have womanly duties right?

RIGHT?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Great post. I share your irrational fear of needles and your hypochondria. But want I'm really thinking about is that Maxie and Becky seem to like you long time. Mental Pooh, I guess, is a chick magnet. Who knew?

Don said...

I got distracted looking at Kellie's profile picture above. What was this post about? Oh, you dressed up looking like a vagina while you were in prison doing anal exercises. Uh, cool post.

Malach the Merciless said...

So when did you poke the nurse?

nonamedufus said...

You had me at "great big giant pussy".

Moooooog35 said...

MikeWJ: Have you seen me? I'm like Adonis but way shorter and not even closely resembling him.

Don: ..and just when you think no one can have more issues than you do...voila.

Malach: Dude. My wife reads this.

(last Thursday behind the 7-11)

Noname: That's exactly when I had me, too.

Mrsblogalot said...

I am strangely drawn to that MJ picture. Sorry...I can't concentrate...did you say you were cured?

LiLu said...

Great.

Now I want some flu heroine.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

chimp lady is practically my neighbor she lives at the cleveland clinic

meleah rebeccah said...

Ugh! I LOATHE needles too! Glad you're not dead.

kathcom said...

Look at it this way: now you can fuck as many pigs as you want. Kudos for not freaking out that a giant vagina was administering the shot.

LBluca77 said...

I'm to much of a badass to get the flu shot. I take risks.

justjp said...

LOL! Where can I get the Vag costume?

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: I will be cured..as soon as my doctor gives me this next shot of Demerol.

Speaking: Tell her we said 'hi.' Maybe point her to this post?

That would be awesome.

Meleah: I'm glad I'm not dead, too.

That would suck.

Kathcom: Are you wearing a white dress and holding a parasol while you write that?

Dainty.

Lbluca: Ooooh. RECKLESS!!

Next thing you know, you'll be piercing your thingy and tattoing your whatsits.

Justjp: Don't you have one in your dress-up chest?

I do.

hiphophippie.com said...

That sounds like a great, cheap work high.

Nomad said...

you have won an award on my blog. feel special.

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