Is that Flour on Your Taser or are You Just Happy to See Me? | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Is that Flour on Your Taser or are You Just Happy to See Me?


Worst. Party. Ever.

Let me explain.

I'm coming to the conclusion that 14 years ago, I had the...

Worst. Bachelor Party. Ever.

How am I getting to this conclusion?

Well..it's all thanks to my friend, Mike.

You see...

Mike recently went to a bachelor party.

Then he IM's me and rubs my fucking nose in it.

It's a similar feeling to this:

******************

Mike: Hey, Rod. How was your night?

Midgetmanofsteel: Great! I had ice cream - frozen yogurt actually...yummy! - and watched Hell's Kitchen. They're down to 6 chefs and it's REALLY getting down to the wire!

Mike: Nice. I fucked three chicks with various food items. Here's the video.

Midgetmanofsteel: I hate you.

******************

Hey...hey Mike.

Here's a pile of dogshit...would you be so kind as to rub my nose in it?

Thanks in advance.

Fuck.


Here's the shit Mike sends me about the bachelor party he recently attended in a rented house on Nantucket:

******************
(recap)

Police officer: "Ok..the party is over or I'm writing you all up for noise violations."

Mike: "Officer, you know that I'm a lot bigger than you...right?"

Officer: "You know I have a taser...right?"

Mike's friends in the background: "Tase him...tase him...tase him..."

******************

On a related note:

Mike has good friends.


After the party was over, the home owner emailed them about the...um..."condition" of the house.

******************
(email from homeowner):

I received a call from our caretaker/cleaning crew and needless to say the house was left in horrible condition.

There was trash all over the yard, some sort of flour all over downstairs in the basement, garbage everywhere, an awful smell in the house and dishes piled up everywhere.


******************

Nice, Mike.

You know...it just isn't a party without leaving the house smelling like shit...

...covered in garbage and 'some sort of flour' all over the basement.

Although, seriously, I'm guessing one of the chefs on Hell's Kitchen would have been able to make something fantastic using that flour in the basement.


Am I jealous?

You bet your sweet ass I'm jealous.

Because I would have taken the fucking brutal tasing over my fucking shitwad bachelor party.

Eric..if you're reading this..I'm kidding it was awesome!

(Everyone else: the above line is total bullshit)

Ugh.

MY bachelor party.

You'll read about that fuckshow at some point.

Which involved paintball, bruises, bleeding, a concussion, and me fast asleep by four in the afternoon.

FUCK.

But that's a story for another time.

Right now, I'm getting me some frozen yogurt.

Yeah.

I cry sometimes.

43 comments:

JenJen said...

"....fucked three chicks with various food items..."

hmmm.
oh
NO.

I can't believe he taped that. Fucker.

justjp said...

"Which involved paintball, bruises, bleeding, a concussion, and me fast asleep by four in the afternoon." ---Sounds like a date with this broad from the other night!

BTW, @JenJen it is sooo awesome that he taped it! Now, he has evidence and good black mail material if he ever needs it.

LBluca77 said...

You went paintballing for your bachelor party??

Eric if you are reading this, YOU SUCK!

Travis said...

Well, sometimes in life you've gotta fuck a chick with food.

Other times, you just eat the food and then you have sex.

OTHER times, you eat the food AFTER you fuck a chick with it.

I choose option B. Could be why I'm fat. It's hard to fuck a chick with a plate of nachos. Celery works better.

That's gettin your vitamins AND some pussy cool.

bikramyogachick said...

Mike sounds like a douchebag. Can I have his number?

Ann's Rants said...

Thank you for sparing us the footage.

Ed Adams said...

You have some of THEE BEST female commentors (Travis included).

My B-Party...

I went to 3 different strip clubs with 10 of my best friends...Had my underwear ripped off on stage and ass spanked by 3 naked ladies while my face was buried in boobs.

Then we went an sang Karoke and got shit faced.

I wish everyday was my B-party.

(I keep saying B-party because I am too lazy to spell Batchler or whatever)

carissajaded said...

Fuck I'm jealous!I hope if I ever get married my bachelorette party is like that...

If you were asleep by 4 I hope it was because you drank a handle of Jim beam first. Like me on my 21st when I passed out before the keg was even tapped.

Moooooog35 said...

JenJen: Yeah. I've seen it and I really have to commend you on the whole 'watermelon' scene.

Justjp: Apparently, JenJen is available for parties.

And by 'parties' I mean 'hire.'

Lbluca: Yes. I went paintballing.

Had there been strippers running around, it wouldn't have been so bad.

Travis: Dude. What?

Bikramyoga: I'm sure he'd give it to you. But since I live vicariously through Mike's endeavors just give it to me and I'll pass it on.

Promise.

Ann: Sparing YOU the footage?

Like I want to see that, either.

Ed: I got shot by paint.

Thanks for rubbing that shit in.

You're a friend of Mike's, aren't you.

Carissa: I was asleep by four because I was being shot in the face at close range by pellets of FUCKING PAINT at 7 in the morning.

So, no. No Jim Beam.

I may have played Nintendo alone, though. So that's close.

Marie said...

So was it as awesome as The Hangover bachelor party? No tigers? How about bears?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I don't think I had a bachelor party. If I did, I don't remember it. Maybe it was the best BP in the history of BPs.

I can't wait the hear the story of yours, which sounds fun -- if you were 12.

Jay Ferris said...

I never really had a bachelor party, unless you count the decade of unprotected sex with multiple partners in a consequence-free environment that occurred beforehand.

Me-Me King said...

My bachelorette party crashed my husband's-to-be bachelor party. We figured they'd really be partying it up. Nope, they were watching football...boring. We left.

Yankee Girl said...

I feel really bad for you!

Speaking of cooking with "flour," I just watched this movie called Pot in Pans about cooking with marijauna. It was pretty funny.

Matt said...

so what kind of foods did he use?

just curious

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You need more nerdy, pathetic friends so that your life seems freakin awesome by comparison. Get new friends stat.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Wow your bachelor party sounds like fun...for a 12 yr old boy. Were you 12 when you got married?

Mike said...

Yea, Mike sure does throw a great bachelor party. Glad I was there.

P.S. - sorry about the flour like substance on the basement floor.

Moooooog35 said...

Marie: I don't know. I wasn't there.

MINE probably had bears in it.

I was out in the middle of the fucking woods so that's a pretty good guess.

MikeWJ: No, not 12.

12 would have been good.

Jay: Good point.

MY PARTY WAS AWESOME!!

Me-Me: You crashed your hubby's bachelor party? Football or no football, that ends most engagements RIGHT THERE.

Yankee: I feel bad for me, too.

Thanks for the company!

Matt: I don't know..there was pulp or something on the camera OH MY GOD IT'S NOT PULP!!

Tee: That's why I have you guys.

Duh.

Mike: Yeah, um. Hate to break this to you..but the wrong Mike.

Why..YOU got video?

Alex said...

Those parties just sound like Sunday afternoon barbeques at my place....

adrienzgirl said...

You definitely need some better friends dude

I was the "entertainment" for a bachelor party once! THAT was some crazy shit!

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Unless "paintballing" is one of those Mooooog-only terms like "teabagging" or, ahem, "spank bank", you got a raw deal, my friend.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

sorry to hear about your sucky BP

i got nothin else

Daffy said...

Geez....Ed's B-party sounds like my weekend.....last weekend.

You're welcome to come hangout with me Mooooog..... I don't do paintball though

Narm said...

Wow your bachelor party sounds like Prom. My mom was the worst date EVER.

Don said...

I was so fucked up stoned and hungover on my wedding day I could have married my fucking grandmother and not known it for two days or until she couldn't get wet anymore.

Moooooog35 said...

Alex: What time should we be over.

Say, noonish?

Adrienz: And that's SERIOUSLY as far as you're going with that story right now?

GYP!

Knucklehead: Sadly, no.

Sadly, yes.

Sadly.

Speaking: That'll do, Speak. That'll do.

Daffy: You not doing paintball is actually the selling point.

Narm: Actually, she wasn't all that bad.

Son.

Don: Sounds magical.

The Peach Tart said...

Poor Mooooog

Eva Gallant said...

This was way too much for yhis old broad!

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey my Bachelor Party was Dungeons and Dragons

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm offended. It's degrading to fuck women with food.

Unless of course he made love to her with corn. Mmmm ridges.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: Thank you. Send money.

Eva: Oh, lady. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

You're gonna be all "WHY did I bookmark this?!?"

I'm surprised you haven't said that already.

Malach: *coughLOSERcough

Steam: I don't even see how that's possible. Seems like it would take FOREVER. Plus, won't all the kernels fall out?

OH. On the COB.

Nevermind.

Kate said...

Brilliant post although it left me craving frozen yoghurt - is that weird.

Kate xx

Dual Mom said...

Sex with food, is there any other kind, really?

I'm with you on wanting to hear about Adrienz's side job as "entertainer". Damn girl, that's totally post worthy!

mepsipax said...

You make me laugh so hard the people at work think I am having a seizure. Seriously though, I cry sometimes. Epic.
I once went to a bachelor party and didn't know anyone there. It was awesome.

LiLu said...

Get it with berries... then it's "healthy".

You'll also be a full-blown woman. Go watch something Sandra Bullock-y now.

Christina_the_wench said...

I had two bachlorette parties, complete with male strippers.

I have photos, but they're of male body parts. You're not that desperate yet, are you?

sexnfries said...

You should be happy for your friends, when they are out having fun, and you are watching TV. Yeah that just sucks...hey I tried to be supportive but I suck too. (which I was doing while you were watching TV)

CatLadyLarew said...

Poor Moooooog. Nobody gives you the respect or the bachelor party you deserve. Maybe you should ask for a do-over on your bachelor party for Christmas.

Just Another Momma said...

OMG you crack me up!

Sean said...

This is a hilarious post. I will definitely back to your site.

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay, you finally managed to make me laugh out loud. Thanks for that!

Moooooog35 said...

Kate: Actually, what's weirder is the way you spelled 'yogurt.' You English people do weird things.

Woops. Weirde thingse.

Better.

DualMom: Great. Now I'm jealous of frozed broccoli. Thanks for that.

mepsipax: Let me know if you end up getting mouth-to-mouth with the hot intern. I want to take full credit.

Lilu: Took me an hour to figure out you were talking about yogurt and not sex with food.

Got weird there for a bit.

Christina: No. Not that desperate AT ALL.

sexnfries: I would totally be supportive if I wasn't so bitter and jealous and petty.

I have things to work through.

CatLady: My name is 'Rodney.' You learn to live with the 'no respect' thing after a while.

Just Another: I crack me up, too. This is why most people hate to be around me.

Sean: Thanks, Sean!! Just remember to save your ticket stub.

Meleah: YAY ME! You're welcome.

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