Fatty Goes Uphill Both Ways | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Fatty Goes Uphill Both Ways


I'm going to park a mile away just so they know how it feels.

Let me explain.

My kids take the bus to school.

I go to the bus stop and I wait with them.

This is easy...

...because the bus stop is at the end of my driveway.

Yes.

The end.

Of my.

Driveway.


Yes. I'm jealous.

Why am I jealous?

Let's compare MY walk to the bus with theirs:

Here's the shitfuck walkathon bullshit that I had to walk (click to enlarge):


JESUS H. CHRIST.

Seriously. That's friggin' far.

If you look really really closely, you can see Moses leading his people to the bus.

I'm no mathematician, but if you multiply the length of that walk times the 1,000 foot bar thingy in the corner, you come up with a distance of OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Every day.

Before school and after.

I had to walk that goddamn walk.

Seriously - there's like an entire year out of my life I spent walking to the goddamn bus.



What you DON'T see here are two things:

1) I was a giant fat piece of shit so, you know, cardio for me was defined as getting up from the dinner table and

2) THERE WERE HILLS

Let's look at a cross section of this walk so you can get a better idea of what I was up against (click to enlarge).


Yes.

There was a Yeti.

I think his name was Brian.

Freaky kid. Whatever.

The REALLY fun part was being 80% there and then OH SHIT OH SHIT THE BUS IS HERE and you start running your fat ass down the hill while screaming "STOP THE BUS! STOP THE BUS!" and even though your friend Scott turns around and LOOKS RIGHT AT YOU he does NOT tell the bus driver that your 200 pound fat ass is barreling down the hill and then FWOOOMP! the doors shut and the bus drives away and now you have to walk ALL THE WAY back even though you feel like you're having fucking cardiac arrest at age 13 and, you know, now that I'm thinking about it I should probably re-energize with one of these Devil Dogs.

Scott.

What an ASSHOLE.


OK.

For comparison, now...

Let's see my kids' walk to the bus:


Unfuckingreal.

If that was MY walk, I'd have a full extra 29-1/2 minutes to eat more Twinkies.

..or run from Yeti's.

Seriously. Kid was FREAKY.

56 comments:

Anonymous said...

move house?

maybe to yeti-infested forests, just to up the freaky-factor y'know?

and maybe you should be glad your kids only have 10 feet and a a couple of shrubs to hide behind to smoke their pot - it means you can bust their asses without getting off the couch. hell, maybe you could get high on passive smoke if you crack the window open.
just a thought.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA!!! Nothing like wanting better for your kids

Maxie said...

My mom drove me to school every day.

And then went to mcdonalds and got me a salad shaker.

And then went to sheetz and got me a frappachino.

And dropped them off at the front office.

You think I'm kidding.

Explains so much, right?

Brndoutw8ress said...

I feel your pain; I had to walk to school everday day! Although I never ran into Yeti's we did have several pit stops where we'd smoke pot and then have to walk down a main street that had no sidewalks. I think the city did that on purpose, not put sidewalks in, just to see if us "stoners" would be able to survive.

Elly Lou said...

My walk was short. There were no yetis because it was in the South. It hardly ever snowed and yetis love snow. We're supposed to get more snow. I hate snow...and Yetis. Walking is fine. I'll trade walking for Yetis any day. I'll even throw in a twinkie.

Daffy said...

LOSER

Nice bushes though

MJenks said...

Man. I thought the quarter of a mile walk to the bus stop for my kids was bad.

But then, I think it's bad because they are the only bus stop in the neighborhood, there's no other kids who get on there, and the bus drives past my house after picking them up anyway.

Fucking school system.

At least they don't have to worry about boners and yetis.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I have no legs.

Ben said...

My thirty minute walk included a single, stretch all the way from point a to point b hill, a forest and a river that needed to be crossed by means of fallen tree lest you not be able to make use of the short cut making for an hour-long walk.

FUCK. SCHOOL.

Wicked Shawn said...

Well fuck. So what you're telling me is my son is walking to school to either smoke pot or search for Yeti?? Geat way to start my day.

Also, yeah, my walk to the bus was ri-friggin-dic-u-lous then I was on the bus for 40 minutes before I got to school(I'm was a country girl, ya'll, I recovered though, whew) I have no sympathy for my kids at ALL!!


PS.Since Virginia has no legs, I am totally stealing her sweet ass shoes, clearly she doesn't need them, k?

Don said...

Think if Forrest Gump would have lived in your house. He would never have learned to run or peel shrimp.
Thank God for long dirt roads. Thank God for Forrest Gump. Thank God for America!!!

R.W. Wells said...

At least you had a bus. I had to walk, and I've clocked it, 2.4 miles to school everyday.
And I didn't have Yetis either, but there was old Mrs Siffilus' house we had to walk past. She'd be waiting every morning on her porch with a cup of coffee in one hand, a Camel dangling from her lips and her rather saggy boob spilling out of her robe, saying things like 'hey boys, you wanna sit on this here lap?'

Eva Gallant said...

Obviously, you need to move so your kids can enjoy the same experiences you had!

Moooooog35 said...

Anon: move house? Like, pick up my house and move it?

Yeah. That's a good solution.

Mrsblogalot: I sense sarcasm.

Maxie: My mom would drive me to school except she drives so slow it was actually faster to just stay home.

Brndout: Walking sucks. Am I right? Except for the pot. Then it's awesome.

Elly: There ARE Yetis in the south. They're called Mexicans. Hello?

Daffy: That's what she said.

Mjenks: I'm moving next door. My kids need the exercise.

Wannabe: What's up with the shoe picture then? Wishful thinking?

Ben: Where the Hell did you live..Siberia? The Hell?

Wicked: Yes. That's what I'm telling you. Except now they also have woodland sex after getting high.

I wish I was a kid again.

Don: Dude. Awesome.

RW Wells: All the kids used to call my mom Mrs. Siffilus.

Weird coincidence.

Eva: Or just drive them down the street or some stuff. Home resale values suck these days.

MommaKiss said...

We didn't have a bus for school in my teeny tiny town in Michigan. So yah - walking was AWESOME. Especially with like 3 feet of snow. And bullies. Who throw rock infused snow balls at you. Excuse me while I go punch an ugly kid.

Cashier said...

I didn't have far to walk to the bus either. But then I started hating it and had my dad drive to school.

But then I was out one weekend and didn't come home all night, so I got grounded big time and was banished back to the bus again.

I hate the bus.

Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

I grew up in the city and always walked to school or took a city bus. When my parents moved us to the 'burbs I was introduced to the school bus system that would pick us up at the end of our driveway. Felt so strange that my siblings and I walked to school anyway.

Suburban pansies.

I mean that in the nicest way possible :)

Brutalism said...

In our neighborhood, parents will drive their kids to the bus stop (approximately a half block away) and then sit in the (running) car with them when it is snowing or raining, so they don't get a chill. I assume their personal masseuses and life coaches are with them as well. Coddled little twerps. (Thus ends my old fart impression.)

BigSis said...

In elementary school we attended a private school. Ironically, the public school bus stop was at the end of our driveway. The kids milling around our yard used to infuriate my dad.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

when i read the title i thought it was about me. so full of myself. or breadsticks.

bikramyogachick said...

The picture of the yeti really made me want to go to disneyland and ride the matterhorn....

Travis said...

Yep. Mine was a three feet walk to the end of my driveway.

And I STILL missed it most days.

What can I say? I'm a lazy ass.

Mr. Stupid said...

I had to walk to the bus stop everyday. There was nobody accompanying me though. Except for a dog that would chase me and my neighbor. Well, what's the difference.
My bus would stop a hundred meters away from where I lived. The walking was enough to tire me. Though, an entire day of school was waiting!

Good to hear, you have much less to walk now.
BTW, nice drawing of the hill. I was expecting a mountain peak though... lol

Have a good day!:)

Mike said...

I'm surpised you didn't mention the 10 feet of snow you had to slog through - in July. You sound like my dad but with more pot.

Mike said...

I'm surpised you didn't mention the 10 feet of snow you had to slog through - in July. You sound like my dad but with more pot.

nipsy said...

I've got you beat...I had to WALK to school everyday.. no buses in our area except for sports shit and half the time those were borrowed old rust buses the other school refused to use..

Anyways, try walking less than a mile through 4 to 6 feet of snow, because of course back then snow days were unheard of..ASSHOLES..

Oh, and when my children were in their other school back in Ohio, fucking bus stop at end of my driveway as well... WTF.. pansy asses..

Almost made me want to make them walk to school anyways..

Shit, now I want a twinkie as well..

Me-Me King said...

Look at the bright side, your kids will never encounter Yeti or your druggie friends who probably still haunt that same route.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

No I was kidding with the I have no legs. LOL

I don't have a penis though!

J said...

Well at least you had a school bus to pick you up. I had to use the public transportation system. Yep, My trip didn't involve Yeti's, more like crackheads, bootleggers and this one guy that liked to open his shirt and show off his sweaty hairy chest (not kidding) and if there were no more available seats (which usually there weren't) I'd be the lucky winner who got to sit next to him.

Thanks for bringing back old memories.*shutters*

Christiejolu said...

I am seriously LMAO! I think we all had Yetis living in our neighborhoods!

Olly said...

Elementary school and junior high were within a half mile walking distance for me, although Canadian prairies can be brutal. High school in BC was TWO bus rides away, with exactly enough time to smoke a joint between buses. So I guess I didn't mind so much...

Linnnn said...

I love bus drivers. At the risk of blogwhoring: http://lindalenzentreiber.blogspot.com/2009/10/mr-sadistic-public-school-bus-driver.html

Miss Spoken said...

Daddy said I didn't need no schoolin' cause I was built for the pole.

Moooooog35 said...

momma: That's what you get for living in Michigan. Just sayin'.

Cashier: My dad would drive me to school too but usually in the middle of the night.

He drank a lot.

Jessica: You go girl!

*snap in Z formation

I'm all about the 80's.

Brutalism: FYI, they keep the car running because that's the best way to build up carbon monoxide.

The more you know.

BigSis: how many did he shoot?

Speaking: If it was about you I would have been more diplomatic. Like 'plumpy' or something. I am chivalrous.

bikram: that's what she said.

Man..works EVERYWHERE.

Travis: I thought ALL the short buses made special stops.

Mr. Stupid: That was no dog chasing you.

yeti.

Mike: I thought that was a given. You know how I hate being redundant. you know how I hate being redundant.

Nipsy: I think the most shocking thing out of all of that was learning that there are actually schools in Ohio.

me-Me: You think my druggie friends are still there?

SO going back.

Wannabe: Too late. We've already taken your shoes. OFF WITH THE LIMBS!

J: Seriously. What's wrong with my hairy chest?

Crazy kids.

Christie: Yetis. They're like Starbucks and crystal meth...EVERYWHERE.

Olly: Canadian praries? I thought there was just ice and strip joints.

Linnn: I love bus drivers, too. And by 'love' I mean 'don't care.'

Miss Spoken: I think we had the same daddy.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Dear Moooooooooog. My name is SurferWife and I have heard of you, seen you around the same dirty comment alleys I frequent and have never checked you out until now.

I think we could be friends. I was always running behind my school bus, too. Except I was dropping my wet n wild lipgloss and can of aquanet, so I would have to stop and pick those up which in turn made me miss said bus.

It was a bitch.

I drive my spoiled ass kids to school.

Your new friend,
SurferWife

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You need to haze them, or create an obstacle course from the door to the bus, just to keep them from going soft. A couple supersoakers, a landmine or two, some dog shit, a pedophile. You know, real-life stuff.

Suldog said...

Seriously. I had one of those "uphill both ways" walks, too. Unfortunately, I have no kids to beat over the head with it. If your kids get tired of your stories, I might take 'em off your hands for a couple of days. I need a new audience.

Tracie said...

I never rode the bus one day. My dad took me to school until I got my driver's license. So my kids (and my parents) think I'm cruel because my kids ride the bus. It stops at the end of our driveway too. Boo friggin hoo.

lbluca77 said...

If I were you I would just watch my kids from the window as they walk to the end of the driveway. Who wants to have to deal with putting on shoes

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Ronny James Dio........Bahahahahaha!

Yeah...me too.

Jen said...

They have it made. I had to walk a whole mile to school, one way and then back when it was over. In the winter if it was really cold we could take the city bus. Which meant waiting for 45 minutes in the frigid cold. I drive my kid to school and it's a block and a half. Worse, I let my car warm up for ten minutes before I take her. At least this way she can't smoke any pot.

Kellie said...

My question is why you even bother walking them out to their bus stop.

My bus stop was at the next door neighbors driveway. We had twice the distance as your kids to walk. The humanity!!!

CatLadyLarew said...

At least you had a bus... we had to walk all the way to school... about 2 miles. In the cold, and rain, and sleet. Bitch and moan... bitch and moan.

SoccerMOM said...

Would it make you feel better if your kids did jumping jacks or ran in place from the door to the end of the driveway while they were waiting for the bus?

Malach the Merciless said...

When I was a kid, I did the 1 and a half mile walk home everyday.

meleah rebeccah said...

"I'm no mathematician, but if you multiply the length of that walk times the 1,000 foot bar thingy in the corner, you come up with a distance of OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"


Fucking Hysterical.

I only had to walk down my block to get the bus when I was a kid. But my son has it just as good as your kids. Front Door Pick Up. Every day. Lucky bastard!

Gauche said...

The pictures for this blog were friggin' awesome. I think the picture of Scott and the bus got me more then anything...well done, Moog. You got me laughing like a idiot in the middle of my office.

I hate you.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Moog, given what we know about your relationship with your kids, I'm stunned that you haven't made it part of the daily routine to drive them a mile away and then follow them in the car as they walk BACK to the bus stop.

How have you not thought of this?

Ed said...

"I was a giant fat piece of shit"

Dude...

Let me get this straight...you went on a diet that caused your waist AND height to shrink?

That sucks.

Moooooog35 said...

Surferwife: I am horrified that you think I would leave, like, dirty comments and crap like that.

Just kidding. It's pretty much ALL I do. I have issues.

Welcome.

Steam Me Up: It would be like the show 'Wipeout' but the big balls would be monitored by Chris Hansen.

Suldog: Sure. I have no problem giving my kids to total strangers for days. Let me know how you want to pay for shipping.

Tracie: Jesus. Pampered much?

Would you like any Grey Poupon?

Lbluca: That's what I totally do. I cannot be bothered with fresh air at such an early hour.

Princess: God I love that guy.

Jen: They're still smoking pot. Trust me, we find a way. I mean 'they.' They find a way.

Kellie: I don't. I stand in the house and blow kisses. I mean, um, do manly things like pushups.

CatLady: My school was actually two towns over. TWO TOWNS OVER. So, you know, walking was pretty much out of the question.

SoccerMom: Exercise? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

Malach: Just home? How did you get there?

Meleah: Just wait til they invent teleportation. Then we can really lay it on thick.

Gauche: I hate you more.

Are we 5?

Chris: For some reason the DSS calls that 'child abuse.'

Asses.

Ed: Yes. I used to be 6 feet tall.

Atkins is SO not worth it.

HeartsMakeFamilies said...

LOL I remember having to walk to school every day about a mile. Now I drive the kids.. haven't you figured out thats easier?

JD at I Do Things said...

Y'know, in MY day, there were no buses, and both my parents worked, and, I just had to WALK by myself to school blocks and blocks away.

But at least there was no Yeti.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

We sure had it bad in our day, eh? Man, I still remember my aching legs, the lack of breath, and the fear in my eyes as I passed by tree after bush after hill, never sure of what might come out and run after me.

That's it. When my kids get home today, I'm kicking their asses.

Toe said...

That is nothing compared to my walk to the bus in 110 degree weather and you know what's between us and the bus stop? The forest filled with rattle snakes and animals and scary shit like that. Everyday for two years I had to deet myself up so I wouldn't get lime disease from the TICKS. TICKS! So I was the sweaty, awkward girl on the bus that always smelled like bug spray. No wonder school sucked. Yeti's are no match for Ticks and rattle snakes.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Kids nowadays. They are jjst so overprivilged, right? They get to have their bus and eat Twinkies too. Mmm... and now I'm hungry.

And want a yeti to name George. Or a bunny. Or some pot...

jack mehoff said...

are you sure your name isnt tommy calahan? and are you sure your friends name isnt richard instead of scott?

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