How to CarJack a Dolphin | Mental Poo

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How to CarJack a Dolphin

My wife took her kindergarten class on a field trip to the New England Aquarium.

She teaches kindergarten in an inner-city school where none of the kids really speak English but can craft a homemade shank out of a Crayola crayon in under 10 seconds.

Life skillz.

Before she left, she was all, like:

"Diony is going to be trouble today."


I don't actually know how to pronounce that, but when I see the name I think of this:

Don't you want to just hug the guy?

So cute. So evil.

I've digressed.

So, Diony is apparently the child from Hell who you can't control no matter how much you scream "NO MAS! NO MAS!" while he's stabbing the janitor repeatedly for, you know, sweeping near him and you're pretty sure you'll see in 5 or 10 years on the news about an arson fire or murder or grand theft auto or committing murderous arson fires in stolen cars and go:

"Yeah. I can see that."

So off my wife went to the aquarium with her class.

And that's when the texts start rolling into my phone.

Received 10:02 a.m:
"Diony just stuck his entire arm in a pool of water. Coat and all."

I was later told that this texting was followed by him pulling a starfish out of the tank and holding it up and waving it around which caused an aquarium worker to scream "PUT IT BACK IN THE TANK! IT CAN'T COME OUT OF THE TANK!" at which point he actually DID return it to the tank... throwing it frisbee-style from four feet away.


Received 10:28 a.m.:
"He just tried to jump into the seal tank."

Maybe he IS Ronnie James Dio because this totally validates any 'Holy Diver' reference.

Received: 10:31 a.m:
"This is him."

Received 11:41 a.m:

"He just asked an aquarium worker where the 'fucking octopus was.'"

So cute!

Then there was a delay between texts in which I pretty much assumed my wife had been dismembered by the class in a mad frenzy for Cheez-its at snack time.

Until the last one came in:

Received 1:03 p.m.:
"Just found out one of my kids stole something from the gift shop."


Just another day with a non-English speaking gangsta class in Boston where kids are throwing starfish and swearing at aquarium workers and jumping into seal tanks and, you know, stealing shit.

The real Dio wouldn't pull this crap.

Maybe only in New York.


Dual Mom said...

She must be filled with pride....really.

I'd so be asking where the fuck the octopus was too...but then again I'm not five.

Lee said...

Just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy for our future!!

Jessica said...

Oh God. Tell me she had a flask hidden in her purse.

MJenks said...

Was the starfish brown?

Gauche said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gauche said...

my good lord...your poor wife.

Has she considered carrying a cattle prod with her? it's stories like this that make me certain my body is trying forcibly trying to disconnect my uterus as a preventive measure against having children......EVER!

Chris said...

Can't wait till Diony hits the five-foot mark. Then he'll REALLY be dangerous.

Matt said...

HA. theres a joke in there somewhere about reaming a starfish but since there was kids mentioned I just couldnt bring myself to "fish" it out.

see what I did there?

Im on a roll.

Christine said...

All in a days work! :P

MrsBlogAlot said...

Your wife sounds like a saint. Hopefully a heavily armed saint.

Brutalism said...

Mrs. Moooooog should really find a safer disabling IEDs in a war zone.

Mike said...

This is why all school teachers should have massive doses of valium or prozac or ridalin (or all three) in pre-loaded syringe darts at all times.

When the American people realize that Obama's 'change' to socialism isn't actually good for the pocketbook, there will be massive shifts back to Republican and you can get the school teacher drug dart legislation pushed through.

kate sweeten said...

Your wife deserves a medal...and a bottle of booze.

Granted, Diony is an odd little name - however, a friend of mine worked in a children's hospital and had to pull records on a kid whose name was pronounced "Shaw-theed"...however, the poor bastard's mother decided to spell it "Shithead".

Travis said...

We should really just be able to hit kids.

I stand by that.

Moooooog35 said...

Dual: I think it's less 'pride' and more 'vodka.'

Lee: Que?

Jessica: I'd feel better if she had mace, actually.

Mjenks: Wrong starfish! Wrong starfish!

Gauche: She's used to it. We do far worse to her at home.

Chris: I can't wait til I hit the 5-foot mark, either.

Matt: That knock is Chris Hansen at your door.

Christine: She's a TEACHER. They don't work.

Mrsblogalot: If she was armed, I'd be dead by now.

Brutalism: "Hurt Locker" is actually about her going to a museum with her class.

Mike: School Teachers score it from the kids.

Hence the ubiquitous 'teacher's room'

Kate: aren't all kids shaw-theeds?

Travis: wait..we can't?!?!?

J said...

As a product of an inner city school system myself, let me defend Diony by saying that perhaps the starfish was asking for it. You weren't there. You don't know what happened between that effing starfish and Diony.

Also, a little self protection shouldn't be frowned upon now-a-days.

*slides razor out from under tongue... slides it back in*

* The MOM said...

Oh Jesus Christ. Your wife is a Saint for putting up with that craziness. Does she drink a lot? Cause I would! His parent(s) is doing a stellar job at raising a criminal. Just wonderful.

Ed said...

Judging by our current standards, he sounds like a future Presidential canidate.

Unknown said...

One thing comes to mind is that suit Hannibal wore. Might be a good idea for the school board to invest in. Its a win situation.

Hannibal Suit = field trip.

lbluca77 said...

I keep picturing that kid throwing the starfish frisbee style. Hilarious.

Your wife is a saint though for having to deal with these kids on top of having to deal with you.

Elly Lou said...

I was fully expecting a reference to the dolphin sex move. I can't decided if I'm disappointed or relieved.

lacochran said...

Star fish... throwing star... potato... potahto.

bikramyogachick said...

Too awesome for words....where the f'ing octopus. Nice!

Coffeypot said...

Wasn't there a shark tank that he could have been pushed...uh...swim in?

Coffeypot said...

You know how there are these dog bark collars that send a jolt of electricy at the sound of a bark or by the push of a button...okay, I've said to much and dropped a hint.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

WHATEVER they are paying your wife, it is way, WAY too little!! OMG! As soon as I stop laughing over your hysterical writing of this incident, I'm going to start feeling very, very sorry for the poor woman!

I'm glad she had you to text and vent to! Thanks for the enormous laugh! I needed that!

Unknown said...

OMG! Please be good to her when she gets hone! I was a substitue teacher ina kindergarten class ONE DAY and swore I would never do it again--and these were good kids, as opposed to budding gangsters! I SO feel for her! I once took high school kids on a field trip to L.L. Bean and one of them stole a tote bag. (This was 18 years ago.)

Christina Harper said...

And this is the reason I don't ever want kids. Knowing my luck, I'd raise one of these little brats. Although I believe being able to build a shank is a useful skill, you know, just in case...

adrienzgirl said...

Wow. Kindergarten.

Future of our country right there. FUCKING FUTURE of our country!

I gots to get me a one way ticket outta this bitch!

Wicked Shawn said...

Ok, so the BEST part of this for me is my whiny little bitch friends who teach and we live in this shiny little suburban neighborhood, where they complain because so-n-so's parents didn't show up on time for their parent teacher conference. I am so making those bitches read this!!!!
Get a taste of what teaching in the hood is like!!

Where's the fuckin octopus???
Priceless!! Squeee!!!!

Olly said...

Wow. Your wife sounds like a saint. All that crap at school, then she comes home to you. Juz sayin...

Moooooog35 said...

J: You're right. I forgot that starfish are the miscreants of the sea.

Nina: I think she drinks. I'm guessing bottom drawer of her desk.

Ed: Yep. They're ALL Democrats.

Wannabe: Oooooooh.

I'll bring it up at the next PTA.

lbluca: I know. I think she gets a free pass to Heaven.

Or Six Flags. Either one, really.

Elly: There's a dolphin sex move?!

I need to update my porn library.

Iachocran: You should see what he did with the horseshoe crabs.


bikram: Welcome to Massachusetts.

Coffee: ..and that's the day the sharks got dumber.

Anything: You're welcome. Being the recipient of texts is how I help her out.

I'm awesome.

Eva: Tote bag? These kids steal tote bags before breakfast.

Seriously. I have no idea which one took mine.

Christina: You can never have too many crayon shanks.

it's in the bible.

Adrienz: I don't think these kids are the future of ANYTHING.

Wicked: My wife is lucky if one parent shows up for those conferences.

Even then, they're never sure if it's their kid or not. They gang bang, you know.

Mandy said...

just think, these kids are the future. aka the kids that will be running the nursing home you're admitted to.

ZING! said...

Just another happy day at Kindergarten! My pre-school student who kept calling me a fucker transferred to another school. Darn.

LB said...

Your poor wife. She must have an awesome sense of humor or some really awesome drugs.

It makes me feel good about teaching the pointy, white hood-wearing population in Tennessee. Of course, I'd have to explain to them what an aquarium was before that sort of field trip. Now a meth lab?? Well, now that's a different story.

Ducky said...

I just read this to hubs...he teaches inner city where English is nonexistant....he said, "Sounds like something that would happen on one of my field trips"

One year I woke up stupid and decided to 'help' on a field trip to the local zoo with a kindergarten class. There was one kid, whose name I don't remember because I've permanently blocked it from my memory, I SERIOUSLY contemplated tossing him in with the tigers. If I could've gotten away with it, I would have.

Malach the Merciless said...

AHH, Wifey needs a new profession methinks

Tracie said...

My son's teacher always wants me to help out on field trips. Stories like this are why I pretend that I work every day of the week.

MommaKiss said...

Is that first picture from the Southie riots? When they started the "bus in" program? Oy. And my lil midwest town of 300 is looking better and better every day as an option to move...that, or Guam.

Tgoette said...

Whatever they are paying your wife it isn't nearly enough for putting up with this kind of B.S.!

We need to change the laws so that teachers can, at their discretion, use stun guns on their kids.

I would light this kid up big time!

Moooooog35 said...

Ginger: I fully plan on taking a bullet before I get to that point. Like, you know, tomorrow or something.

CatLady: I think that's actually the first word most of these kids speak.

Correction: First ENGLISH word.

Dveau: In the fucking octopus tank. What the fuck?

LB: FYI, you might want to see if your Sudafed is missing.

Daffy: I volunteer for field trips because I love lying to kids so much. It's so much better when they're not your own, too.

Malach: But the pay is, there's that.

Tracie: I pretend to work, too!

Momma: I think most of these kids are from Guam. Guam is the same as Puerto Rico, right?

Tgoette: I agree! More money! More money!

Maxie: You're dead to me.

This is what happens when half my audience is 12.

Unfinished Rambler said...

After 42 mental poops, I don't know if I can poop out anything new, but will say: Love the Dio reference, even if Maxie, God bless her soul, has no "fucking clue who that is."

Arun said...

Im sure your kids will be just as naughty and "Cute" going by how awesome your blog is! :D

Jen said...

Did you say KINDERGARTEN? Diony looks like he's 13. I suppose these kids deserve an education too. Too bad no one can teach them English.

Christine said...

If the kid was 30 year older, I would be the idiot dating him.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Damn, I wish my hubs would text me from work. But it would probably look like: just finished that return, woo woo. On to a 18 partner, multi-leveled investment firm with returns in 10 states. Oh joy.
Yeah, not really blog fodder. Lucky you.
BTW, does the wife wear body armor and does it turn you on?

carissa said...

That sounds freaking miserable. I would have probably thrown Diony into the shark tank...

Hissyfits & Halos said...

Diony sounds like he'd be a future politician, or preacher. ;)

Colby said...

At least your wife gets paid for this. I volunteered for Junior Achievement once and got a 5th grade class of delinquents. I know. I'm the stupid one.

meleah rebeccah said...

Your wife is AMAZING. How she deals with that all day? I will never know!

After Diony tried to jump into the seal tank? I cry-laughed at this sentence:

"Maybe he IS Ronnie James Dio because this totally validates any 'Holy Diver' reference."

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