Jamaican Ding Dongs | Mental Poo

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Jamaican Ding Dongs

I've really honed this down to an art form.

No..not masturbation.

I hit that baby out of the park YEARS ago.

I'm talking about lying to my kids.


It's what I live for.

Two examples that happened in THE SAME MORNING in my car driving the kids to school:


I'm an asshole.

Like that's news to you people.


Welcome to Fantasy Island

I received a call the night before from out local police station asking for their yearly 'benevolent fund' donation.

I have not a single fucking clue what a 'benevolent fund' is but since it sounds like "been in violent fun," I don't argue with these people.

So I threw $20 in unmarked bills as per their instructions into an envelope and taped it to the front door along with my social security card and birth certificate.

These benevolent people are sticklers.


So, with the kids in the car, I started backing out of the driveway.

Cam (6 yrs old): "Dad..what's that envelope on the front door?"

Me: "That's money for the police."

Light. Bulb. Goes. Off.

Me: "We have to pay them once a year to keep you kids. Otherwise, they take you away."

Cam: "Really?"

Me: "Yep. You have to pay to keep your kids. Otherwise, they put the kids in jail until they find a home that CAN pay for them. What's cool, though, is that you get to see what a jail looks like from the inside. They have steel toilets and..."

Payton (9 yrs old): "NO THEY DON'T!"

Me: "Yes. They do. It happened to me. That's how I ended up with your grandmother."

* pause

Me: "My original family couldn't pay the money. I'm really from Jamaica."






Ding-Dong You're Both Ding Dongs

About 2 minutes after I told them that the Jamaican story was bullshit, we pulled into their school.

As I opened my door, the 'your lights are on' chime in my car started going off.

* ding dong

* ding dong

Cam: "What's that noise?"

Me: "That's just an alarm to remind me that you two are in the car. See? (I point to her) Ding dong..(I point to him) ding dong. Two ding dongs. If only one of you were in the car, I'd just get the one ding dong."

I see them both thinking.

Payton: "So..what does it do, like, SCAN the inside of the car?"

As she's asking, she's making her hands do this invisible 'scanning' motion.


I fucking LOVE doing this.

Me: "Just kidding. It just told me that I left my lights on."


Will I stop doing this?

Probably not, Cam.

Probably not.

WAY too much fun.


Elly Lou said...

I think there was an extra ding dong in the car. Meanwhile I've convinced my husband we need a pool boy despite our lack of a pool...or yard...for that matter.

lbluca77 said...

I can't wait to hear how your kids are going to pay you back for all this shit you give them when they get older.

Anonymous said...

I've never wanted to have kids. I don't intend to ever. However, if I did, it would be 100% because of things like this. Because I can think of no better reason to have them than to amuse yourself by telling them all sorts of fantastical shit just because they're gullible and because you can. :)

Linnnn said...

Yep, you are just front-loading against all the crap they're going to deal on you when their voices deepen and the hormones hit. Pay back is hell man! I ought to know. My 17 and 14 yr. old demon spawn are doling out the revenge harsh even as we speak!

Ed said...

I've done this type of shit to my kids so much that they never believe anything I say now.

I'm like the little boy who cried Wolf Blitzer.

Yankee Girl said...

You just made me laugh out loud at work. My work is not usually a funny place so now everyone is staring at me. If only I could think of a reason I was laughing fast enough....

Christine said...

Seriously, you are THE FUNNIEST blog I have ever read. Oh my LORDY...I'm telling you what...that's some funny shit right there!

sarah said...

awesome. just... awesome. this, like someone else said, is pretty much the only reason i'll consider having kids.

Narm said...

Dude, I saw the pictures of your son's karate competition. You are like 6 months away from him being able to kick your ass - you need to think about this next time you get the urge to lie.

Moooooog35 said...

Elly: When I was in there it went, 'Awesome..awesome...awesome...'

lbluca: They've more than gotten back at my by being home every day.

Veggie: seriously..it's what I live for.

That, and steak with onions. Love that shit.

Linnnn: I figure they're going to do it anyway...might as well dish it out while I still can.

Ed: You cried Wolf Blitzer.

I mean, who doesn't?

Yankee: Just say 'I just sharted!'

That should cover you.

You're welcome.

Christine: Thank you. Tell your friends!!

Sarah: seriously..I would have my vasectomy reversed if it meant I had more kids to lie to.

Narm: I shall push the envelope until the day he knife hands me to the throat!

Which will probably be pretty soon.

Gristle McThornbody said...

I can't thank you enough for the nostril shots! I have a picture of Frank Luntz that has just been screaming for a cut and paste.

Just wait until your daughter is 14 and tells you she's pregnant and then laughs maniacally as the ambulance drivers use the electric paddles on you about 8 times.

Christy said...

Hmmm, this lying business may be the only reason I would ever pop a kid out to begin with. I'll be sure to keep note of this on my pros/cons list. The lying definitely being a pro.

Kellie said...

Being pregnant I am taking notes of all your parenting posts. I'm pretty sure you have perfected parenting to a degree one can only hope to mimic. Nicely done.

meleah rebeccah said...

I really hope your kids get YOUR sense of humor when they get older, and one day Get Even with you!

Ducky said...

Its that the whole point in procreating? you put up with the spit up and the shitty diapers so you can laugh maniacally at moments like that

Phillipia said...

I am keeping notes waiting for grandkids....my kids are way too old to pull this on; they are pulling their own shit on me nowadays...

MrsBlogAlot said...

Your "labels" crack me up!!!!

Maybe you could use one of them for the title of your future "how to" parenting book.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I so want to be a fly on the wall when they 'wake up' to your shit.

I used to pull shit on my mom, on the lame side: she would pull out the ingredients for a recipe and I'd distract her and either put them away or hide just one.

My kid is so going to pay me back for that.

Moooooog35 said...

Mrs. Bitch: 14?! That's two years later than I first predicted, so BONUS.

Christy: And no better pro at lying to your kids than yours truly.

I have a trophy.

I made it, but whatever.

Kellie: I may write a book. AWESOME.

Meleah: Yes. It's humor and not a deep desire to make their lives painful.

So, yeah..we'll go with 'humor' there.


Phillipia: Right...because crap like this doesn't deserve to skip a generation!

Mrsblogalot: "Bad Parenting for Dummies" - coming soon to a Borders near you.

Matt said...

HAHAHA... its all fun and games until they start lying to YOU.

Moooooog35 said...

MadWoman: Sorry, skipped over you.

That's what she said.

That made no sense.

Oh..your kids will pay you back..just much, much worse.

I'm training them.

You've been warned.

Sarah said...

You might be my parenting hero.

JenJen said...

What a stinker you are. Mean daddy.

Tracie said...

You know they are going to pay you back when they hit the teen years, right?

Chris said...

Here's what I'm picturing...about 15 years from now, when the kids are grown and in therapy, this name of this blog is going to be changed from "Mental Poo" to "The State's exhibit A."

Just call it a hunch.

Unknown said...

my mom used to do the same crap to me....
1. i was found under a tree
2. to legally change your name u have to go the the phone company
3. if i pointed at a cemetary, my finger would rot off.

It's a miracle I'm normal....and some people actually have issues with that fact :)

Pretty Zesty said...

They are going to get you one day. So, in the meantime keep on teasing!

Lizzy said...

Hey why stop at Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, might as well make every moment contribute to therapy...

Mandy said...

i can't wait for the day you're blogging from whatever shit nursing home they pick to put you in. you know, like 5 years from now.

Jessica said...

Love it.

When I was a kid my family was going to take a trip to British Columbia and I had one of my sisters convinced there was going to be a language test at the border. She horrified upon learning she was to be left behind with the guards because she did not speak Canadian.

Moooooog35 said...

Matt: They started lying to me when they looked up and said 'da da.'

Sarah: Quick! Someone call Bette Midler!

JenJen: Or AWESOME daddy?

Yeah. Awesome.

Tracie: Shit..they're paying me back NOW.

Chris: As long as the blog takes the focus off of the hidden dungeon in my basem..


Perhaps I've said too much.

Roschelle: My father told me I arrived in a mailbox.

Apple. Meet tree.


Lizzie/Ellie: I'm gonna be payin' for it one way or another. Might as well enjoy myself.

Ginger: Awesome. I hear elderly chicks are desperate.


Jessica: That is awesome.

I wish I knew how to speak Canadian.

Sarah said...

This is the first time I've ever had the urge to make one of those stupid award badges. A Bette Midler Hero Award.
There we go.
The urge to be extremely lazy just took over.

brookeamanda said...

This is the only reason I want to have kids...to fuck with them :)

MommaKiss said...

I used to eat ding dongs. The hostess kind? I ate them a lot.
Now show me a Jamaican one and I'd be in heaven...
you're mean and I love it.

Unknown said...

You are soi bad! I love it!
@ am 5 feet tall. When my son was 14 he was already 5' 8". We were at a friend's house and I was treading water in the middle of the swimming pool. My son walked over to the side of the pool across from where I was and asked, "Are you touchimg bottom,Mom?" I said yes. He stepped into the pool and promptly sunk in way over his head. (he knew how to swim. so it wasn't that rotten a trick)

Spaz said...

After seeing you on your youtube vids, I was SURE that you weren't from New Hampshire.

Now I know.

Malach the Merciless said...

Do you have Life Insurance? When they find that out your might be dead

Me-Me King said...

My dad used to do this same shit to my sisters and me. During show 'n tell, we'd repeat all the stories he would tell us - like, training Olympic athletes, hunting with Davey Crockett and other shit like that. One day the teacher called my mom and asked her to have a talk with my dad. Oh no, that didn't stop him, we just learned not to repeat everything he said even though it was true.

Unknown said...

I can't wait to see what kind of retirement home your kids are putting you in when they grow up. Lol

Maxie said...

I really don't believe in pranking/lying. It's hurtful to tell someone something that's not true just for your own enjoyment.

I hope someone teaches you a lesson.

Wicked Courtni said...


Parenting rules.

Brutalism said...

Builds character. And by that, I mean a healthy mistrust of everyone they thought they could count on in their young lives. Well done, "dad"

Moooooog35 said...

Sarah P: DO IT! DO IT!

Brooke: You mean 'tease' them. What you just said is a felony.

Momma: Funny..but the men's room says you totally eat Jamaican ding dongs.

Eva: The best part of that is when you almost make him drown.

True comedy.

Spaz: HAHA! That would be awesome if I had any idea what that meant.

Malach: Yes..but it's only enough to cover my burial expenses.


Me-Me: I once told one of my friends that I had a bionic finger.

So I guess I started at a young age.

Wannabe: I plan on putting one through my temple before I get to that point, trust me.

Maxie: ...what the..?

Wicked: If by 'rules' you mean 'sucks' then, yeah, parenting rules.

Brutalism: Thank you. Did you know I'm getting a Bette Midler award?

Donnie said...

Your the kind of dad whose kids tell their kids what a dork you were, and they laugh at you when they visit your grave to spit on it. Nice going.

Jenny said...

I've always thought that it would be really fun to teach kids that tables are chairs and chairs are table and so forth. I'm glad someone is already doing this and documenting it so my kids won't be fucked up. Thank you sir.

Kris said...

I often tell my kids that they're the replacement kids for the 2 we had and didn't like, who are currently serving a life sentence in the secret dungeon underneath the house.

The joy it brings me is INDESCRIBABLE.

Wicked Shawn said...

Warning you now, my son is a teenager, every now and then, he will pull some fucked up prank on me and when I am about to go full tilt on him, he will give me that absolutely gorgeous lopsided grin of his and go, : hey mom remember when you told me........." just sayin....payback is fuckin whore with the clap

bikramyogachick said...

That's right up there with making fun of your daughter as she **tries to ** play soccer. awesome!

Miss Spoken said...

Clearly we went to the same parenting school because my daughter believes she's descended from trolls (she's 18 and not the brightest, bless her heart) and my two youngest believe in Red Bow Tie Day ... a day when parents can put their misbehaving kids on the corner with a red bow tie and the Orphan Wagon will pick'em up for free.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

The whole point of having kids is so that you can mess with them. Otherwise, what fun would parenting be? You've obviously taken messing with your kids to a whole new level. I like that in a person.

rachaelgking said...

The ONLY reason to have children is to have something to fuck with 24/7.

Um... someONE. I meant someONE.

Unknown said...

Holy shit. That was awesome.

When our oldest was 4 yrs old, my husband told him that rollie pollies bite. It's the little things that make dads happy.

UberGrumpy said...

You know when you're 73, they'll have learnt from the master, and will wind you up three times a day by saying 'It's time to leave for the home now. Pack your dentures Dad.'

So keep plugging - you need to get your revenge in early

Jill Pilgrim said...

Oh mooog, will you school me in the art of lying to my gullible children? I'd like to get it down pat before I have them. I'm kind of an overachiever.

Static said...


But you realize that this is going to bite you on the ass eventually?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That "Smile mon" kid is cute. How much?

Moooooog35 said...

bikram: Wait til I post the video of her singing.

No. seriously. You'll really want to wait as long as possible.

Miss Spoken: ORPHAN WAGON!


Catlady: I'm available for tutoring.

Lilu: What I like most about you is your lack of compassion.


Summer: That's great.

One question.

WTF is a rollie pollie?

Is that a dust bunny?

I'm going with dust bunny.

Uber: I plan on biting a bullet by the time I'm 70. I figure that's old enough.

Jill: We're in the same state, so I have no problem with in-house visits.

Make sure you have plenty of Hot Pockets handy.

Static: Yeah. But I enjoy that kind of thing.



Unknown said...

I'm childfree so I could be *way* off base here... but...

Why else would anyone *have* kids, if not to fuck with them?

Seriously... my folks did it to me until I stopped believing a word they said.

everybody's happy.... :oP

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