Things That Make You Go 'Boing' | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Things That Make You Go 'Boing'


You got questions, we got answers.

Hopefully, your question is:

"How do I look naked?"

On a related note:

I wish my dad would stop emailing me.

I've digressed.

For some reason, I end up being the Oracle for people looking for answers.

Answers to mind boggling questions.

Questions that have challenged mankind for generations.

Questions like:

"What's a shocker?"

..and..

"What's a Cleveland Steamer?"

Huh.

I see a trend here.

Strangely, the trend mainly involves sphincters or activities on or around one's sphincter.

Asstastic!

(Trademark Pending)


(Want that shirt?? Buy it at my store!! (I'm a whore))

I also get questions like:

"Jesus H. Christ...Will you please stop touching me with that thing?"

You know...

...you'd think my wife would eventually just get used to it.

Whatever.


So it came as no surprise the other day when I got an instant message from a girl I used to work with.

I have not talked to this woman in three years.

Here is the IM:

**************************

Kellie: Ok Rodney...I need you

Kellie: well sort of

Kellie: what is the freakiest thing a woman has ever said to you that made you go "boing"

Kellie: I want to shock my husband and knowing you...you'll know exactly what to say

**************************

Okay.

Let me get this straight.

(that's what she said)

I haven't spoken to you in three years, and you want me to come up with something that will give your husband an instant boner.

I can do this.

If I remember correctly, girls used to talk to me.

"Get away" constitutes talking, right?

RIGHT?!?



Okay...back to the IM:

**************************

Midgetmanofsteel: hmm..something a woman would say to make me go 'boing'

* pause

Midgetmanofsteel: the word 'hi' comes to mind.

**************************

Seriously.

It doesn't take much.

**************************

Midgetmanofsteel: keep in mind that I've been married for almost 14 years.

Midgetmanofsteel: I think the freakiest thing my wife has ever said to me that I can remember was: 'I cleaned the toilets.'

**************************

Just kidding.

I'm the one who cleans the toilets.

Wow.

Look at that.

Boner.

Everyone, all at once:

That's Asstastic!

* cricket

And I wonder why 'Get Away' is the phrase I hear most often.

I'm emailing my dad.

He may not be a good listener, but at least he emails me back.

I just wish he'd cut the shit with the photos.

44 comments:

Maxie said...

Thank GOD you didn't post your answer.

I know it's Thursday and all, but that would just be TMI.

Ben said...

Amazing - an excoworker thought you could give her husband a boner. That's basically what I got out of this.

GingerMandy said...

yea i'm with ben. just wait, in 5 years or so you can give all sorts of men boners in the nursing home!

Elly Lou said...

Awkward. It's one thing when Mom calls and asks me for something that will work on Dad, but ex-coworkers seems to cross some sort of line.

Mrsblogalot said...

And to think she thought to seek you out for answers

asstastic is my favorite word of the day(-:

Sarah P said...

Dude. You clean the toilets? That kind of gives me an erection, and I didn't even know I had a penis before you said that.

Eva Gallant said...

You must have made quite an impression on this coworker for her to call you after 3 years with such a question! And then there was the coworker who wanted you to check the back of her pants for blood stains. You do bond with your coworkers!

Tami G said...

I'm with Sarah P - you clean toilets?!! suweeeeeeeeeeet!

Christine said...

OH LORDY ME!!!!!!! You are make me cry laughing. I think I need to send my husband this link. Even i knew what the shocker was!!! Dugh.... :P

Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

I was having a nice laugh until the part about you cleaning the toilets.

My God. I want to make out with you right now.

Don said...

I'm confused. Did you ever give her an answer? Or is it just that sharing pictures with your dad is more than you can handle? Eat me. I mean, not you...that gives me a boner. When a girl says eat me. You should see the girls that say that to me though. I'd rather share photos with your dad.

Brutalism said...

I really wish your dad would cut the shit with the photos, too. Sheesh, Moooooog Senior, you look just FINE naked, okay?

Ed Adams said...

"You want to?" usually does it for me.

Although, Haley's comet comes around more often then I hear that.

Yeah, I've been married too long.

Moooooog35 said...

Maxie: I would post it, but I fear in making other guys reading this get a woody.

Yes. I FEAR it.

Ben: I think you pretty much nailed it, yeah.

Ginger: I hear they have conjugal visits so you know you're always welcome.

Wait...I may be thinking of prison.

No need there. Got what I came for!

Elly: I just draw my mom sketches and call it a day.

Mrsblogalot: ASSTASTIC!

Wow. Actually works there.

Sarah: Strangely erotic and disgusting all at the same time.

Eva: Shit like this is why I like working from home.

Plus, you know, Cinemax is there.

Tami: With the Scrubbing Bubbles brush, baby.

H.O.T. hot.

Christine: I make most women cry for other reasons.

Jessica: Weird to read that and then see the picture of the kid. Just sayin'.

Don: You sure it's girls that say it?

Brutalism: Aaaand there goes lunch.

Ed: I'm on the Santa plan as well..once a year.

JD at I Do Things said...

"the shocker"? That's the best they could come up with to describe . . . that? Oh, wait. No, I see it isn't the best or only description. Oh, okay. Ew.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Dude! You had me at "I clean toilets." *swoon*

Kris said...

All I'm saying is I am trying so hard to NOT click that Cleveland Steamer link, but sadly, I know, in the end, I will.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Oh great Oracle, answer me this: You ask the ball and chain to put on the outfit and grab the paddle. When said chain does as asked, why do you say you're tired?
Why? After I squeezed my ass in the skirt and my poor feet into those stilettos? I mean, said chain.

lbluca77 said...

I'd take it as a compliment if someone wanted my advice on how to get their husband a chubby.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

oh, my, I was just so warmed by you being so receptive, I may have been a little forward.
But since its out there....

MommaKiss said...

Hi

Kellie said...

Your friend has a sweet name. It's asstastic in fact.

Spaz said...

I'd hope you clean the toilets. The way you talk about poo you're the one that makes them dirty anyways.

On a related note, you probably should work on your aim.

JenJen said...

so THAT'S what "boing" means.
Hm.
Excuse me while I go talk to MY husband.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

So...how do I look naked?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh, and I feel your pain. I clean the toilets around my house, too. And I make the bed, do the laundry, and cook the meals.

I'm expecting to grow a vagoo any day now...

Moooooog35 said...

JD: Actually..when it's done properly, it's aptly named.

Tee: I also vacuum.

That's right.

Kris: Be afraid. Be very. Afraid.

Mad Woman: Tired? For spiked heel nookie? FOR SHAME!!!

lbluca: I know. I made myself a trophy.

Momma: damn you. I'm working!

Kellie: I've heard better.

I mean, um. Yes. You're right.

* whistles

Spaz: My son is the one who needs to work on his aim.

It's like a friggin war zone in there.

JenJen: You lost me.

So easy to do, though, really.

Mjenks: You and I should start a club. Not cuz we do housework, but because of the whole vagoo growing thing.

I find it quite entertaining.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG, you're HYSTERICAL!!! I'm so glad I found you! Thanks so much for the laugh!

On a similar note, I approached my husband of fifteen years last night and said, "Wanna fool around?" His response was, "YES!" followed by, "By the way, you NEVER have to ask me that question, EVER!"

I think my husband would agree with you, it takes very little!

I'm you're newest fan...

Tracie said...

My husband would be gettin' lucky in Kentucky if he cleaned the toilets. Or came out of the bathroom for a few minutes.

nipsy said...

What I wanna know is what would her husbands reaction be to another man giving his wife ways to give HIM a boner...WTF...

Maybe this time YOU need the restraining order...lol

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

another gem

Daffy said...

My god...I think I married a woman

Malach the Merciless said...

I am NEVER getting married again

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You clean the toilets?? You're hired.

Moooooog35 said...

Anything: You asked him to fool around?

Who ARE you women?

Tracie: I'm assuming you live in Kentucky or your husband travels a lot.

Nipsy: Hey...I only do what I'm asked.

Speaking: Yes. But sadly, this one is quartz.

Daffy: We all think you married one, too. The vagina kind of gives it away.

Malach: Word.

Lee: FINALLY! I get paid for something I'm good at!

UberGrumpy said...

'Asstastic' post

Why bother cleaning toilets? They only get dirty again

Vodka Logic said...

That is some impression you make on people..
How about sharing your IM.. lol

bikramyogachick said...

Do I look good naked? Don't tell me I look asstastic.
I hope you gave this poor girl some good advice. She gets an A for effort!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Did I miss it? What did you tell her?

adrienzgirl said...

I love the shirt. AND I love Asstastic!

Lindsey said...

A toilet cleanin' man. Niyyyce.

Though personally it would be better if you cleaned them with you tongue. (And if you were a girl.)

Link said...

Woman cleaning toilet could make nice centerfold. It would be asstastic!

CatLadyLarew said...

You clean the toilets? Asstastic!

Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

Does it help to know the picture of the kid is actually me?

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