Panning for Golden Showers | Mental Poo

Monday, February 08, 2010

Panning for Golden Showers


..and that's why I'm not allowed in the men's room at work ever again.

Perhaps I shall back up.

I walked into the men's room the other day to pee.

This in and of itself is not news, as I AM human.

Plus they don't let me pee at my desk anymore since the whole 'ruined the recycling bin' incident.

Whatever.

I stepped up to the urinal and prepared to release Mr. Wiggly.

I mean, um, THOR.

YES! I PREPARED TO UNLEASH THOR THE WONDER SNAKE!

Much more threatening.

Oooh! I have goosebumps! You?

I've digressed.


Regardless...

As I looked down into the urinal...I saw something...

Different.

Amidst the normal little pink urinal cakes (FYI, pink is THE best flavor)...were THESE:

(click to enlarge..the blurriness is my sucky fucking Verizon piece-of-shit-I-guess-you-get-what-you-pay-for-when-the-camera-is-free fucking camera phone)





?!?!

There are nickel-sized, like, rocks or some shit in the urinals.

The fuck are these things?

I first start thinking that HOLY SHIT THESE ARE FUCKING KIDNEY STONES and now I'm picturing some poor bastard who eats too much cheese saddling his fat ass up to the urinal and squeezing boulders out his urethra but then I'm, like, 'Well..I probably would have heard the guy screaming like it was his first night showering in prison or maybe the things PING PANG PWOOONNG! ricocheting off the porcelain or something' so I went with guess number two:

GEMS.

YES! They are precious gemstones from the mythical land Urinasia brought by tiny little fairies that reek of the insides of nursing homes ESPECIALLY that creepy old lady that they stick in a chair at the end of the hall who keeps sticking her tongue out when you walk by and is just going "BLOO BLOO BLOO BLOO" and you're all like, 'fuck this shit, I really hope I die before I end up turning into piss-stink-tongue-grandma.'

Fucking nursing homes.

Seriously. Put a fucking bullet in my head first, please.


Where was I?

Oh..Fairy Imported Urinasia Precious Urinal Gemstones.

Then I realized that I was about to piss myself because I'd been standing there for ten minutes thinking of writing these stupid paragraphs, plus I didn't have one of those mining things to pan them out of there.

So I pissed on them instead.

When in Rome...um..pee on..uh...weird urinal rock things.


Then I put Mr. Wig..then I reeled in Thor the Wonder Snake, stood back...

..and took those pictures you see above.

And it was on or around this EXACT moment in time that - even though I'd been marveling at these kidney-piss fairy-gems in here for ten minutes...

...that someone walked in.

Our eyes meet.

And there I am.

Shitty fucking Verizon camera phone in hand.

Taking pictures of the inside of the urinals.

How. Awesome.

You know...

Shit like this wouldn't happen if they'd just give me back my recycling bin at my desk.

I bet I could trade one of these gems for one.

I might not need this mining pan after all.

49 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

No fair, Moooooog... here I am trying to get in the dignified working person frame of mind on a Monday morning and you hit me with this! LMAO

Lazy Pineapple said...

I laughed till I fell of my chair...literally.Had been stalking you for a while...wanted to say...you rock. Hell ya you do...

Now I must stop my hysterical laugh...people at work are looking at me in a very weird way.

Mrsblogalot said...

OMG! Thank God I read this before work!! I would have been out of a job for sure!

As it is, I have to stop laughing long enough to not be late!

You have just made my Monday!!!!!

Ben said...

Yeeeaaaaah...I think cameras are generally frowned upon in public bathrooms.

Pretend you were emailing....anything but pictures of your junk.

MommaKiss said...

Phones in a bathroom. Just Not Right, Moog!

And the bitchy grandma in the home - I'm with you. My family knows that arsenic comes before institution.

Maxie said...

why the fuck did you pee on them first?? That's really disturbing.

and like thats the first camera phone picture you've taken in the bathroom. you seem like the kind of creeper who does that all the time.

Brutalism said...

As Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I will be on the lookout for any posted picture of Mrs. Moooooog with a new "gemstone" necklace. (Come to think of it, I will also be on the lookout for any "gemstone" gifts from Mr. Brutalism...)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am laughing so hard that tears are coming out of my eyes. I needed that!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The best thing about working in a lab is that there are lots and lots of sinks everywhere.

I used to work in a nursing home. Aside from the soul-crushing despair that accompanies herds of people sitting around waiting to die and the ever-present smell of piss, it wasn't so bad.

JenJen said...

HR is coming to get you, Moogsy...I know you've been on their list for some time, and this just sealed the deal.

Vodka Logic said...

I would like to see a cat scan of your brain. I can only imagine what it is like [missing]

Don't want to know what it says about us [me] reading it.

Moooooog35 said...

CatLady: It's what I do.

You're welcome.

Lazy: Welcome! I made you fall off your chair? You can't sue me. I have no money.

BUY A MUG! HELP THE CAUSE!

Mrsblogalot: Narcissism = fed.

Thank you!

Ben: Try telling that to Senator Craig.

Wait. Maybe someone should have.

Momma: Jeez..it's not like I was snapping pictures of random willies.

Again.

Maxie: Um, hello? You pee on them to release the scents.

Seriously. You women are bizarre.

Brutalism: YOU GAVE AWAY MY PRESENT!!

Unreal.

Lee: Yet again, I make a woman cry.

Awesome.

Mjenks: All I got out of that is that you peed in sinks.

Not sure if that's what you were going for.

JenJen: I've been waiting for a while for this. FREEDOM!!

Vodka: I imagine a lot of vacant spots and perhaps some Family Guy episodes.

adrienzgirl said...

I really don't understand why there are stones of any sort in urinals. We don't have weird shit like that in the ladies room. WTF? You all need something to look at while your peeing?

Strange....just strange.

As for you taking pictures, and getting caught taking pictures....I'm gonna say that it wasn't exactly a shock to see you with your camera phone out and on the ready in the shitter.

Just sayin'

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know, I was hungry until about two minutes ago. I seriously just lost my appetite, especially for giant fruit Mentos...

Kris said...

Wow, them mystery stones would look absolutely darling in a white gold bezel setting.

*sigh*

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I'm just sayin'...

Kate said...

I just laughed so much I had to go pee - very topical!

Kate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com

Elly Lou said...

Look Greg Oden, nothing good can come of cell phone photos taken in bathrooms. Too bad you peed on the jewels. They could have looked super foxy in your deluxe grill.

Wicked Shawn said...

So, you know your brain is too blog focused when you are reading this and everything seems perfectly acceptable. I see no issue with being in the bathroom taking pix of the little stones in the urinal. If a guy had come out of the men's bathroom and told me about them, I would have insisted he either go back and take pix or I would have gone in myself.
I say good for you, I feel comforted by your dedication to your loyal readers. It is good to know that the inner workings of the mensroom will be exposed to us.
Errrm, yeah, I take that back. All of it, I need my meds.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

thank you for not capturing mr. wiggly in the picture. please go fish those suckers out and investigate further. i must know what they are. you know you want to.

Don said...

I've seen pebbles in some of the pissers here too. Somebody said they were there to diminish splashing. I also heard, these were lunch topics "Why are there pebbles in the pissers?" that they are used to filter shit out. Shit?! In the urinal? I'd like to see that even with a picture from your camera!

Christine said...

Every time I read your post I'm CRYING laughing. I don't even know what to say....

confessor69 said...

Thanks! This is just what I needed on a crap-tastic Monday.

lbluca77 said...

They look kinda like balls to me. Or maybe it is because I have balls on the brain right now.

Moooooog35 said...

adrienz: I'm hoping it's because THERE ARE NO URINALS in the ladies' room.

Veggie: THEY MAKE FRUIT MENTOS?!?!

Kris: I know..so many options!

Kate: Mental poo: making women incontinent since 2007.

Elly Lou: It's only pee. Still salvageable.

Wicked: Indian giver.

Claire: surprisingly chewy!

Don: What do you mean, no shit in the urinals? Where else are you supposed to..OOOOH..toilets.

Huh.

Christine: Hazard of the job, I guess.

confessor: craptastic? PEEtastic.

Wrong function.

lbluca: you californians and your mid-day orgies. crazy.

meleah rebeccah said...

I just wish someone took a picture of YOUR expression when you were busted taking photos of the urinal - AT WORK! Too funny!

Travis said...

You know what? I don't care, I'm linking you.

You have pictures, I laughed my ass off at this, and who gives a fuck if you put my button on it?

Thank you sir, for your picture taking bravery.

Jen said...

I was doing really well with this whole thing, pictures and all, until you told me you peed on them and then you took a picture.

When I first saw the pictures of the urinal cakes I thought they were someones balls. We don't have cake in the ladies room, ours rarely smell like piss. They smell like old used tampons but not like piss.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i couldn't get past the whole I AM HUMAN line

Kellie said...

I want to know what kind of scent is released when you pee on them. Maybe the small things were just miniature pee targets? You know for the sharp shooters or something.

Eva Gallant said...

Thank God I'm retired and not reading your blog at work. This way my maniacal laughter on draws strange looks from my Hubby!

confessor69 said...

Good clarification--peetastic fits better with your experience, for sure.

Let's put it this way: your peetastic day helped make my craptastic Monday a bit brighter.

Ed Adams said...

I only read this because I was hoping it was actually about golden showers and now I'm leaving with yet another unfulfilled fetish.

UberGrumpy said...

Ha! Best title ever.

We only get chewing gum and soggy cigarette ends in urinals where I live - count yourself lucky

LB said...

LOL! My husband just had to pick me up off the floor! I was laughing so hard I practically pissed in my pants! Ok, I'm now an official member of your fan club!

LiLu said...

Little does Rusty know I got to that bitch in the blue sweater first.

I mean, what?

Miss Spoken said...

I'm curious as to how you recovered from the walk-in. Let me guess .... maybe you said something like "crime scene" and then walked away without another word.

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: Yeah..not too awkward, then. Two guys taking pictures of each other in the men's room.

Again.

Travis: I do what I can.

Get it?

CAN?

I kill me.

Jen: Well..what was I supposed to do, prop them up?

Speaking: I know.

Creepy.

Kellie: There are no sharp shooters. Only bad aimers.

True story.

Eva: I know. I reread all my stuff and kill myself laughing, too.

It's really weird.

confessor: I can't keep up with all these tastics!

Ed: It's okay...I'm co-authoring a book about it with your wife.

Stay tuned!

Uber: chewing gum and soggy cigarettes is typically lunch for the homeless around here.

LB: What is it with you women and all your peeing?

Lilu: GRANNY, NO!

Miss: Usually, I just leave without looking up.

Did I say 'usually?'

I meant, this ONE time.

Becky..AMHW said...

Point...laff.

Those are magic beans left by the humiliation fairy.

hiphophippie.com said...

Why don't ladies get gem targets in their toilets? Again, the inequities of being female.

Daffy said...

....and life question #4835794857 has now been answered. I shall cross it off....

Malach the Merciless said...

I really don't know how you keep your job

Peliculas Online Gratis said...

buen aporte

Bridgette said...

OMG! That was so damn funny. I REALLY needed that! :)

Scribe said...

Pee-pee pebbles. Now I've seen it all! (the pictures helped even though you were outed)

Eternally Distracted said...

I am so glad that I don't spend that much time in urinals... but seriously enlarging those pictures was not good in the office!!

GingerMandy said...

at this point i feel like you're literally ASKING me to make old man jokes. kidney stones? nursing homes? hmm. "kidney stones and nursing homes...." that jingle could get viral. viral like bed sores and male pattern baldness. DO IT.

Moooooog35 said...

I had a big giant comment for all of you here and then Blogger ate the stupid thing so I don't feel like doing it over again so please feel free to insert one of these as an answer to your comment:

1) I KNOW

2) Preaching to the choir, my friend.

3) I'll go get my teeth

4) And that's why sunshine is never purple.

Me-Me King said...

You've done it again, moooooogm I'm rolling. Oh, god, I've got to share this one fo' sho'.

LMMFAO!!!

mepsipax said...

Great shit as always... I pissed myself....then I checked for pebbles. Seriously though, I have had a kidney stone and if it was that big, I would have killed myself. Just saying
And....as you have already noticed, I used your post for Taken Tuesday. Thanks.

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