Colonel Sanders, Wayward Follicles and My Poo | Mental Poo

Monday, March 29, 2010

Colonel Sanders, Wayward Follicles and My Poo

I’m not sure what to make of this.

The last time I said that, I was holding a boob.

Like riding a bicycle, my ass.

I’ve digressed.

I was sitting in the bathroom stall the other morning, dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool.

For the second time.

A “deuce squared,” if you will.

(trademark pending)

I was sitting there playing Sudoku on my cell phone when it happened.

On a side note, try playing Sudoku while in a bathroom stall and then saying out loud:

“Oh. So THAT’S where the number two goes!”

Good times.

Good times.

Regardless, I was sitting there with my phone out.

When IT floated down.

No, not Pennywise the clown.

A different...IT.


It floated down…

… and deftly draped itself across my phone.

I watched it in it’s last few inches of travel.

Completely. Mesmerized.

* plink

And there…on my phone keypad…

Was a hair.


A goddamn hair.

A long, gray hair.


* blink blink

What. The fuck?!?!?

A long, gray hair had somehow magically wafted down from the heavens and landed strategically across my cell phone keypad.


And I know that it's certainly not mine because the hair I actually DO have is shaped like the Florida peninsula and is about a ½ inch long.


I just realized that I also just described my penis.

I cry sometimes.

Let's recap:

There...on my phone...

Big, gray hair that’s not mine.

I looked up, fully expecting to see Colonel Sanders peering over the stall wall next to me.

Colonel: “How’s about you try my new Kentucky GRILLED Chicken, son?”

Me: Grilled chicken? Here’s what I think of your grilled chicken.”

* insert massive poopie noises here (I like imagining Oprah after eating a chalupa..well..I don't LIKE to do it..but sometimes I just do)

Grilled chicken. WTF.

Hey, Colonel Sanders, I like my chicken like my women:


I have no idea what that means.

But no.

No Colonel Sanders was there with his bucket of awesomely tasty original recipe.

I stared at this long gray hair for about 2 more seconds before I came to this realization:


With all the energy I had left (I was winded at this point because, honestly, I eat big)

I blew that elderly follicle right the Hell off.

Jesus H. Christ.

That was close.

I do not know from where this mystery hair came from.

All I know is that I quickly pushed out the rest of my joyous happy bowel movement (JHBM)

(20 more minutes counts as ‘quickly’ when I'm 'in the zone')

…and high tailed it right the Hell out of there.

Then I got me some tasty chicken.


Oh, Colonel, how your coleslaw taunts me.


Aren’t you supposed to be wearing a hair net?


Maxie said...

I am unbelievably confused right now.

Did you start taking Vicodin again?

life in the mom lane said...

Look at it this way- since it was such a long hair you can probably rest assured that it was not a gray pubic hair... ewwwwwww now THAT would be really gross.

Rita Templeton said...

I agree with the commentor above ... at least you can rule out pube. Which makes the situation INFINITELY better, now, doesn't it?

It's the little things. (And I'm not talking about your penis.)

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Wow. And, also, ewwwwwwww!!!!! (Thanks for the morning laugh!!)

Donnie said...

You sure it was a gray hair and not a cobweb that fell out of your crotch when you pulled down your pants? Those things have a way of showing up in the funniest places...

Travis said...

This is by far the most confusing and sexually arousing post you've done.


You know. Not from my point of view though.

MrsBlogAlot said...

LOFL!! Another successful bowel movement post now installed into my memory bank. Thanks.

Unknown said...

Why do I love your blog. I don't know. It certainly lowers my karma meter for laughing at some of your racist remarks, like dropping of the cosby kids to the pool when referring to shitting or freeing the slaves. They are so wrong but I laugh.

See you in hell. Love the Jesus H. Christ post and the riding your bike after shitting yourself. YOU ROCK.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, you need ADHD meds. Call the doc. NOW!

Kernut said...

OMG - Why didn't you look UP?! The first thing I thought was: Somebody was watching you dropping the Cosby kids off (LMAO - best f*n line!)!

Let's recap: You have co-workers who leave "missing" posters for their SUNGLASSES, and peeping pervs who spy on you while you're taking care of business.

You work with some weird people.

Can I get a job there?

Ed said...

I hate KFC, for a completely different reason, but this post is going on the Reasons Why list.

I hope you washed your hands.

If you can reach the sink, that is.

Moooooog35 said...

Maxie: Start using it again? Why? Did I stop at some point?

Life: You haven't seen the people I work with.

Rita: I don't think anything is inadmissable at this point until the DNA results come back.

Anything: Yeah..try BEING there.

Don: Sounds like one who speaks from experience.

Travis: Um.


Mrsblogalot: It's what I do.

Wannabe: Yes..the bike one is one of my personal favorites.

Wasn't at the time, though.

Jules: You're just jealous.

Kermut: I DID look up.


Freaky, right?

Ed: I can reach the sink when you're wife gives me ten fingers.

We'll leave it at that.

life in the mom lane said...

ohhhhh man it is definitely a Monday..
*just got* Crosby kids/pool comment! Duh... do I feel blonde! (well I AM strawberry blonde......)

Cassie said...

On the bright side, since they have gray hair, you could probably take them...if they weren't invisible.

Momma Fargo said...

Perhaps it was one of your nose hairs...and good thing it fell out. That would look really creepy to others. And everyone is right...good thing it wasn't a pube which would have meant you were upside down and that would have been gross.

Elly Lou said...

God watches you poop. Obviously.

Rahul said...

Colonel Sanders was or was not there?

I hate cliffhangers.

Unknown said...

You just didn't notice the gray-haired hippie watching you over the top of the stall! said...

I feel like a I just did a bong rip and now I want fried chicken. Thank you.

Ziva said...

Ohh, I love Sudoku!

carissa said...

Oh my god I am so confused right now. My brain wants to vomit but my stomach wants some chicken.

Anonymous said...

Listen to Elly Moooog. That was a hair from the head of God.
Just a non violent reminder before he unleashes his full fury. That would be when he shoots lightning from the tips of his fingers Emperor Palpatine style blowing your ass right off the potty.
Also God hates math games.

meleah rebeccah said...

and hopefully your cell phone has been sanitized several times since then. Yes?

Malach the Merciless said...

I can turn invisible at will . . just saying

Ducky said...

I'm thinking some dude was in the air vent above you....just watching.....

Jessica said...

I hope you're up to date on your vaccinations.

Anonymous said...

There was some freaking OLD DUDE PERVERT watching you from somewhere. Take pictures of all air vents next time

Moooooog35 said...

Life: Just be thankful I didn't say 'Releasing the Kracken.'

Mind. Blown.

Cassie: I can take anyone. BLUE BELT.


Momma: You read me like a book.

Elly: Genius.

Rahul: I don't recall eating cole slaw, so probably not.

Eva: Great. Yet another thing to hate hippies for.

Hiphophippie: Please disregard above hippie comment.

Ziva: RIGHT?!

Carissa: I feel like that every morning around #2 time.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Dufmanno: Are you suggesting that Emperor Palpatine is God?

Knew it.



Malach: You're creepy sometimes.

Daffy: Dad?

Jessica: Good point. On a related note, I'm wondering what this open sore is from.

Powachair: Yeah..because THAT'S not too creepy.

mepsipax said...

Yeah, I am pretty sure you coulda caught the herp from that hair... just saying. Miss me?

Diva's Thoughts said...

Dude!! What you got against grilled chicken? *scowls at Mooooooooooooog*

Brutalism said...

I'm only hoping that a co-worker was standing outside your stall with a gold star after you proclaimed, "Oh, so THAT's where the number two goes!"

Truly fantastic.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I like my women extra crispy. I don't know what that means, either. But I like the idea of it. Crispy women. Crispy sex. It just sounds, well, so crispalicious.

LivingDeadNurse said...

ewww...gray pube

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