Octagons, Clean Balloons, and Dwarves Asking for Juice | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Octagons, Clean Balloons, and Dwarves Asking for Juice

Today a special 'Clip 'n' Save' edition of Mental Poo.

The Top Ten Hints that you may have children:

1) There are small people running around your house asking you for juice.

Seriously, though.

Who the fuck has juice in their house?

No one. No one should have juice in their house if they're over the age of 8.

But kudos to you if you own a house and you're only 8 years old.

That's some impressive shit right there.

2) The main foyer in your house has a fighting octagon stuck to the hardwood made from painter's tape.

Because nothing screams 'classy home' like a bright blue imitation death-match cage in the middle of your goddamn floor.


3) This blinding headache just WON'T. GO. AWAY.

This is usually surrounded by episodes where you find yourself screaming shit like, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!" or "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OFF YOUR SISTER!!"

I'm sure that's standard shit in Tennessee.

4) You find shit like this in your bathroom trash:

If you find stuff like this, you should burn it immediately or else this may become the prosecution's 'Exhibit A.'

Because part of being a parent is protecting your children unless OMG OMG SHUT UP SHUT UP AND FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST GET WHY ARE YOU STILL ON TOP OF YOUR SISTER?!?!?

Seriously. Someone fucking kill me.

5) The term 'sleeping in' now means 'any time you can wake up after 6 a.m.'

But no matter what time you wake there are small people wandering around your house still asking you for JUICE.

Shit like this is why God invented bear traps.

Juice before 6 a.m? Sure kids..why don't you go get your cup and KABAM!!

* goes back to bed

6) You find shit like this randomly lying around the house:

Although this typically may prove that you have children...

..it may also be the first clue in coming to grips that you're a pedophile.

7) There are hamsters in your house.

This typically means you have a kid unless you live in an area of the country where wild free-range hamsters roam the countryside and infiltrate your home quite possibly through the use of crowbars while driving around scoping out neighborhoods in their Kia.

Is anyone else freaked out by the giant Kia hamsters? I wouldn't buy a fucking Kia just BECAUSE there's a possibility that there's hamster shit in it and I could contract fucking salmonella.

Which I suppose I could get anyway from undercooked Pad Thai.


Man..they get you no matter what.

8) You randomly look up from whatever you're doing and see this kind of crap hanging around:

This usually means you have kids, or love Satan, or maybe that pedophilia thing you've got is a little worse than you thought (see #6).

9) You've started calling your penis something like 'your wiggly' or 'your jiggy' instead of 'Thor the Hammer God' or 'Mr. Sprinkles.'

You may also refer to vaginas as 'toolies' or 'hoo-ha's' or, in some extreme cases, 'front bum.'

Dignity now escapes you.

10) You go to take a shower in a seldom-used bathroom in your house and you find this upon opening the curtain:


Somehow the simple act of taking a shower has now evolved into party cleanup involving several balloons.

Although, come to think of it, this may also double as your luring device.

Seriously, dude...you may need to get some help.


Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

OMG, you are hilarious! I think my favorite may be the paper figure in the bathroom trash! I bet it's FUN at your house!! Thanks for sharing!

Momma Fargo said...

All prosecution exhibits. Especially the pink dude in the garbage...


Brndoutw8ress said...

Damn I wish you were my "dad"! Hilarious shit!

MrsBlogAlot said...

HAAAA!! Now I want juice and three more kids...at least

Ziva said...

Can I have som juice, pleaaaase?

AtYourCervix said...

The Hannah Montanta stuff. ALL. OVER. THE. HOUSE.

Who buys this crap? Does it reproduce asexually while we're all asleep??

adrienzgirl said...

I love the guy protecting your bathroom trash.

And at least you just have balloons in your tub. I swear it takes my 15 minutes to clean out the damn tub every time I want to get in it. There are toys, and empty kids body wash containers, and toys, and legos, and balls, and anything plastic that will float and hold water they can find, and toys.....

We always have juice in our house...what else goes with gin? Vodka? Rum?


The Shitty Astrologer said...

LOL...another sign: You find yourself making Jim Carey type faces involuntarily.

LB said...

Dude, I have sooo found balloons in my bathtub before. You rock!

Maxie said...

I'm still trying to figure out what could possibly die and leave a chalk outline in the shape of an octogon. A cage match seems too sane.

Those are words I never thought I'd say.

Gauche said...

number 4 worries me.......who drew that? just curious.

Sarah said...

Just when I was feeling really down on myself for insensitive content, you go and make me feel better with references to murderous pedophiles who like decorating with the skulls of their victims.

*sigh* Thanks. :)

MommaKiss said...

Add to the list: Boogers wiped randomly around the house. On a wall, on the side of the couch, on the edge of the bed, on door knobs. Huge dried boogers.

I could throw up just thinking about it.

Moooooog35 said...

Anything: Yes. It's a friggin blast at my house.

Momma: I fear this.

Brndout: I may be your dad. What's your mom look like?


Ziva: Get out now.

AtYourCervix: Actually..the Hannah Montana stuff is mine.

Adrienz: This is the shower we DON'T use. you should see the shit in the ones we DO.

Gruntilda: FYI, that's also a sign of gas.

Erin: You're..um...welcome?

LB: Do YOU know where they come from? I'm thinking the sewers.

Mjenks: "Mop the floor." You're funny.

Don: What is wrong with you?

maxie: Stop signs have shelf lives.

Gauche: I think we opened a portal with the Ouija board.

Sarah: It's what I do.

You're welcome.



* The MOM said...

AHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! The shower thing is so true and the juice. Juice at 6 a.m. is normal around here. Ugh.

Lee said...

You forgot the pee on the toilet seat and the toilet paper in the unflushed yellow pee water.

Matt said...

I think thats a killer tomato.

or possible a pig without a body.

bikramyogachick said...

Is that a toilet brush in the shower??

Brutalism said...

Also with kids...everything from floor level to about three feet in height throughout the house is perpetually sticky...

...which may have been the case in your house even if you did not have kids.

kate sweeten said...

Mental Note: Get birth control prescription refilled...

Moooooog35 said...

nina: Are you sure the balloons don't belong to Kevin, though?

Lee: Don't drag me into this.

Matt: I think you're onto the pig thing.

Like that's the first time you've ever heard that.

Bikram: Yeah. Why? We don't use the shower..so it doubles as a closet. Did you notice the plunger?

Brutalism: Nice way to call me out on that.


Ducky said...

It's good to know you wait on your kids hand and foot. My kid is almost 2 and she can get her own fucking juice....

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Love the fighting octagon... two kids enter, one kid leaves...

J said...

hahaha, love this post. So true...So true
*begins to sob*

What's sleep again?

Anonymous said...

Ahem, I always have juice in my house and I'm only 8 mentally. Orange juice and sometimes apple juice too. I'm so ashamed...

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I like that thing in the garbage. No, not that thing. The pink thing. No, not that pink thing. The dude with arms and shit. That's cute. And your house looks a lot like mine. Call me in the morning to talk about it. I'll be up at 6 a.m., too.

Jessica said...

Explains a lot about my parents (I'm one of nine kids).

Also, the Pacific-Northwest hippie inside of me wonders why the empty toilet paper roll is in the trash and not being recycled?

Unknown said...

I suspect you are a really fun Dad!

JenJen said...

skulls, tissues and a tub full o' fun?

Christina Harper said...

And this is why I never intend on having kids...

because my juice will be mine! No one else's!

I love juice...

Moooooog35 said...

Daffy: The key to good parenting is faux good parenting.

CatLady: TO THE DEATH!!!!!

J: Let me know when you find it.

Veggie: If you say you have 'V8' I'm sorry to say that you're dead to me.

MikeWJ: Are you on drugs, too?

Jessica: NINE KIDS?! The only explanation about your parents you need is that your mom was VERY flexible.

Eva: Don't say 'suspect!'

JenJen: You'd think that but, sadly, no.

Christina: JUICE HOG!

Malach the Merciless said...

Thanks for clearing that up, now I know I have kids

Jen said...

I just made juice before reading this. Grape juice, knowing full well the older child is going to call it purple drink. I have shit like all of that all over my house. Skulls, bathroom drawings, it never ends and they never shut the fuck up. I still laughed my ass off, cause it's nice to know that I am not the only one with this shit in my house.

Ed said...

When my daughter was born, my 5 yr old son asked, "Mommy, why does she has a front butt?"

What are they teaching these kindergartners in health class nowadays?

Nicky said...

Damn! You made me spit my juice all over my laptop!

My son doesn't put things in the bathtub...he prefers to shove everything into my shoes.

Nicky said...

Damn! You made me spit my juice all over my laptop!

My son doesn't put things in the bathtub...he prefers to shove everything into my shoes.

Anonymous said...

Whoever created the pink trash monster is definitely cool in my book.
Though I'm still glad I'm not the one who has to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to feed little people juice.
Not sure I'm going to be a good mother after reading this.....

Jenny said...

I'd like to compliment you on your Microsoft Paint arrows. I frequently dabble in the M.S. Paint and arrows are basically my nemesis. I don't really like the word nemesis because it makes me think of video games, and I suck at video games. If I could only remember what I was working on...

meleah rebeccah said...

You had me at "Better Homes And Haunted Houses!"

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