I Hate My Teenagers Already and the Oldest One is Only 9 | Mental Poo

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I Hate My Teenagers Already and the Oldest One is Only 9

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

- Marie Joseph Eugène Sue



- Ken as he runs over Otto in 'A Fish Called Wanda'


"You might want to wait a few minutes before you go into that bathroom. I crushed a HUGE one out just now."

- Me, like 10 minutes ago



I get a lot of comments after I write one of my posts about lying to my children and causing them mental anguish.

Usually they're all like:

"Just wait until your kids become teenagers."

"You'll get yours when the kids get older."

"BUY Cheap V!agr@ at low low prices!"

You know..you blow those ads off but you can get that shit really cheap.

Regardless, I'm fully expecting my kids to torture me WAY worse than I torture them when they get older.

I just hope they don't do it this way.

When I was about 15 years old, my mother and I decided to head out to the video store to get a movie.

My father was not home from work yet.

As we were leaving the house, my mother looked at me and said:

Mom: "Rod..can you leave your father a note?"


Remember...although I'm only 15...


Sure, mom.


I can leave dad a note.

Sadly for my mother...

...she did not tell me what KIND of note to leave.

So I left this one:

(click to enlarge..that's what she said)

Then we left.

On the way to the store:

Mom: "Did you leave dad a note?"

Me: "Oh yeah."

Oh yeah?

More like...

Oh NO.

We returned home to a partially destroyed house.

That was fun to see.

Amidst all the wreckage was my freaked out father who failed to see the hysterical humor in this.

Mom was a bit peeved, too.

Mom (standing on a pile of debris that was once our kitchen table): "WHY would you write a note like that?"

Me: "Well..you just said to write a note. You just didn't say what it had to be about."

* blink

* blink blink

It was on or about that time that I saw the joy of parenthood leave my mother and father pretty much for good.

I still don't get what they were so upset about.

But I will, someday.

I know it.

Friggin' teenagers.

I'm SO screwed.


bikramyogachick said...

Warning: the pre-teen years are worse than the teens. Beware of snotty 11 year olds!

Chris said...

If your father didn't immediately see that you were screwing with him, then he hadn't been paying attention for fifteen years anyway.

And your mom should've known better than to give you that little direction.

Coffeypot said...

Viagra Soft is for those times you have an erection lasting more than four hours and your wife, the neighbor’s wife, and the dog are worn out.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

When I was that age I would hide vital ingredients for whatever my mom was cooking at the time, or put them away when she wasn't looking.

Yeah, it was pretty lame, I know.

My kid is gonna be far worse.

Momma Fargo said...

Ha! You didn't know you were in trouble anyway! I can't imagine what your kids are going to do...oh, the fodder you must share.

The future...looks bright...or very, very funny for us readers. Unless, of course, they have to drag you away in a straight jacket...only I think you would like that.:)

TILTE said...

i was a dreamboat teenager. my after school activities consisted of napping and watching jeopardy.

if my kids don't turn out as angelic* as i was, i'm leaving them at the mall and never coming back.


Ben said...

I now want to ruin someone's marriage just so I can be all, PUNK'D!

It'll be awesome.

Ducky said...


Joann Mannix said...

You can't even begin to know how screwed you are. God chose to punish me with 3 teenaged daughters. I used to be so happy to have girls and not smelly, loud, tearing-up-the-world boys.

And then menstruation began. 3. Times. Over.

This house is a whirling typhoon of hormonally crazed bitches. Hell will be a piece of cake.

Did you know the Coen Brothers once taped a sign to their mother's back as she left the house to go to a ladies luncheon? It said, "I just pooped."

Perhaps, she saw their brilliance, even back then.

Meat Sweats said...

When I was 14, I took my mom and dad's car out at 1 am and hit two parked cars. Hope your kids are smarter than I am.

The Random Blogette said...

Holy Shit! That is crazy! My parents would've killed me if I would've done that. Although at the time there may have been some of those notes flying around to each other. My oldest is almost 9 and I want to tie him up and shove him in a closet until he is old enough to move out. And my 4 yo daughter thinks that she is already a teen.

Donnie said...

When your daughter reaches 12 years old and has to look down at you to see you...then you'll know you're fucked!

MommaKiss said...

It's your girl who's 9 right? So, in, like 2 years (thanks to growth hormone in school lunches) she's going to have boobs and her period. And she's going to be a PEACH. So, good luck w/ that. And the boy, well, he's your mother's revenge.

not to mention, they SO owe you.

Tami G said...

oh YEAH you are!!!!!!
Karma is a BEEEEEEYAAAATCH!!!!!!
trust me - I HAVE a teenager!!!

I have a post about those years coming back to haunt me - check me out tomorrow! LOL

Moooooog35 said...

bikram: Great. 11 is only 2 years away.


Chris: Good point. But then again he was drunk most of the time anyway.

Who could blame him.

Coffey: You're like NBC.

Mad Woman: YOU REBEL!

Becky: You're giving me SO much to look forward to.

Momma: Honestly..I probably should have been dragged away a long time ago.

You're Lucky: napping and watching jeopardy.



Don't forget to blog it.

Rule #1.

Daffy: Bitch.

Joann: May God have mercy on your soul.

Meat: Wow, dude. My note seems like small change. You were a real dick.

Random: Luckily, I'm taller than my parents so I had the whole 'intimdation' factor going for me.

Don: I've been fucked LONG before that.

Momma: God, you people are killing me.

Tami: I'm just hoping Karma doesn't have a gun permit.

MrsBlogAlot said...

HAA! She did just say leave a note right? Kind of a good thing they discovered your dark side early. Look how well you've turned out. imagine who'd be raising your kids otherwise....

Pretty Zesty said...

HAHA!! Wow, best post to read for my little mini break at work. THE BEST!

Cassie said...

Diabolical and yet genius.

Jessica said...

Based on my limited Internet knowledge of you, I care not to fathom what your little darlings are going to be like.

Because my blissed-out Catholic parents had a shit-ton of kids in quick succession, there were usually FIVE teens in the house at once. Six when the twins were of age.

There are things my parents will never know about. Never.

Kelly said...

Hahahahaha! That was Classic! And you? Are so screwed because payback's a bitch. Even if it takes a couple of decades.

I've been lucky with my 2 teenagers. So far. Teen years aren't over.

Unknown said...

I survived hell with 3 teenage boys, and I didn't have half the payback coming to me that you have coming to you! You are not only screwed, you are dead meat! lol

Sarah said...

I love Kevin Kline.

Boarding schools are for teenagers. When children become obnoxious, you send them away before you start hating them. Easy.

Rahul said...

How do you even know that's your real dad?


Linnnn said...

Yer skrewed. mark it.

Olly said...

My husband doesn't do anything to screw with their head, although he has been perfecting his embarrassing "Dad Dance". lol Our daughter thinks it's funny. For now...

life in the mom lane said...

Dude.... you are screwed....



Jen said...

I've been lucky with my son but I know it's going to be hell around here in two or three years, not that it's great right now. I'd feel sorry for you but obviously you deserve it.

Moooooog35 said...

Ziva: Yeah. Let me tell you..if I'm still writing this piece of shit by the time they're teenagers...KILL ME.

Mrsblogalot: How well I turned out?

Are you talking to the right person?

Kris: I'm here for you.


Jessica: Um..your parents might not know about them..but we would really like the details.

Kelly: I'm calling them and telling them to notch it up.

Eva: Thanks for your support.

Sarah: * writes down notes

Rahul: You and your damn monkey wrenches.

Jenny DB: ..as a dad..or as a kid?

Probably both.

Linnn: Marked.

Olly: Have him call me. He's doing it wrong.

Life: You people are my angels.

Jen: You people have no sympathy.

You're just like me. It's amazing.

Anonymous said...

That. Was awesome. That's the evilest kid I ever heard of (You). I love it. Can you come over and play, you know, when you're no longer grounded, which I imagine will be sometime around your 90th birthday.

Lizzy said...

I have to plan a 15 year old girls Birthday, I think me in somewhere near....south would be the best plan yet

JenJen said...

You. Are. Fucked.

D Swizzle said...

One time I left my mom a note from my dad's "mistress". They failed to see the humor in it.

And yes, us teenagers are a nightmare.

Ed said...

I don't know which is better. That you wrote that note, or that you wrote that note and lived to tell about it.


rachaelgking said...

Little do you know Maxie and I started feeding them ideas MONTHS ago.

You *are* so screwed.

Maxie said...

I'd like to go on the record saying that no one over the age of 12 should call their penis a name that includes "wiggly."

No wonder your never get laid.

Nicky said...

Maybe they'll take after their mother...hahahahahahahaha. Well, at least you'll be able to afford really great therapy, what with all the money you make from this blog...hahahahahahahahmmmmmm...
Sorry dude.

Malach the Merciless said...

I cannot wait until my kids are teens, I am the king of embarassment

Anonymous said...

That was brilliant. Loved it. I give it 5 stars.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I don't get it. Did you do something wrong? Like maybe misspell something?

Jana said...

OMG you wrote a note like that...now I'm in awe of you no I worship you!

Moooooog35 said...

Veggie: I would love to come over but this ankle bracelet won't let me.

Lizzy: RUN.

Jen.Jen: Not really. No.


Ed: I know...luckily..alcoholics don't punch very hard.

Lilu: That explains all the overage minutes on their texting plan.

Maxie: Really? Like what, then..Mr. Fleshy? That just sounds gross.

Nicky: Yes..all the money I make. I have $6 in my Cafepress account.


Malach: We should have a contest.

Wannabe: 5 stars? Out of what? Like..40 or something?

Nanny: Yes. The key is the type of paper I used. NON-LINED! Hahahahah

Jana: * blushes

Sheila Sultani said...

I've got two boys 10 and 11 and a 5 year old girl. The boys are already giving me back twice as much as I ever gave. I think my mom put a curse on me. Just think of all the great posts once your kids start messing with you.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

If you're a believer in karma, then you'll have a moment forthcoming where you'll seriously consider disowning one or the both of your kids.

My guess? One of them will announce that they're a New York Rangers fan.

Unknown said...

How could they not have known that by 15, you could not be trusted?


only you. that took some balls. my dad would have beat the ever loving shit out of me.

Brutalism said...

Once I said loudly in a store, "Hey, Mom -- don't put that in your purse -- you didn't pay for it."

However, since it did not threaten to break up our nuclear family (comedy goldmine), it is certainly lame in comparison.

Though, to be on the safe side, I have only one child to lower my chances of payback.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh My God! That was FUCKING awesome! Ahahahahahahhahahahahaha


Your poor parents!

Moooooog35 said...

Sheila: Yeah. I'm so excited about all the great posts.



Colby: That's really the question here, isn't it?

Speaking: Your dad sounds nice.

Brutalism: True story:

We lived on the first floor of a two-family.

One night, when my parents were gone, my friend and I just started slamming shit yelling, 'NO MOM! OW!' and then making hissing noises yelling 'NOT THE IRON!!'

I think I have you beat.

Meleah: no kidding...see response to Brutalism above.



Miss Spoken said...

When a Super Villain breeds, we all win.

* The MOM said...

That was hilarious!!!! Now, when something like that happens to you, and it WILL, it won't be as funny. :D It'll be your daughter who will destroy you. Slowly.......destroy you. I am so sorry. :D

Coopah1 said...

I realize that it's a long ways off (at least hopefully so) but the time we get revenge on our kids is when they make us grandparents. Everything else is just a warm-up act.....in the meantime I imagine you'll get what's coming to you! heh ;]

Meeko Fabulous said...

OMG . . . I am your newest follower. I'm here via Tami and I just about died reading this story!!! Please promise I'll laugh like this everyday!

Buggys said...

Any amount of information about your little wiggly is TMI!
Are your parents in a place with soft surfaces and soothing music?

Miss Yvonne said...

I wish I had been that kick ass when I was a teenager.

Mr. Condescending said...

Is this true? Either way it's hilarious.

True story; my uncle felix came home one day and all the shit was gone except for wedding bells on the empty floor and a note that said "Fuck You, Phil"

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Is that a true story? Really? If so, it explains a lot. A lot!

Moooooog35 said...


This IS a true story.

Believe it or not..everything I write on here, is true.

I'm not that creative.

Actually, I am..but it's easier to just write shit as long as I can remember it.

Badass Geek said...


Robin said...

...I would have done something like that too..I was a prankster, when girls were supposed to be sweet and ladylike...now I have 2 girls(17, 21) and they are very funny...pranksters...but its fun..and we laugh a lot...I mean how bad could it get..Good luck with yours...

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