All shitty comedians look the same in the dark.
Let me explain.
I recently had the opportunity to co-host a fundraiser for New Hampshire Horsetalk – an organization that provides hippotherapy services to autistic and special needs patients.
I know what you’re thinking:
THEY LET YOU OUT OF PRISON?!
This was actually my first ever appearance co-hosting an event…so needless to say I was filling toilets with vomit for, like, the entire fucking day freaking out about this shit.
So, you know..
That was fun.
Here’s the recap:
I arrive at Milly’s Tavern at 5:00 pm…as Jen from The Whiskey Girls said ‘5 pm WOULD ROCK’ if I showed up then.
I realize I’m now the ‘creepy old guy’ standing in the corner of a room filled with Whiskey Girls because JEN ISN’T HERE YET THANKS A LOT, JEN and the girls are all, like, ‘what’s with grandpa’ and I’m all, like, ‘You know...I normally don’t have a boner all the time.’
It turns out that Jen is running late so now I’m kind of like hanging around outside so I don’t look like a registered sex offender (ACQUITTED! YAY!) but now I realize I just look like a FUCKING LOSER standing outside of a bar by himself.
Jen pulls up with her husband in their hot rod.
It does not escape me that my name is ‘Rod’ and I’m also ‘hot.’
Coincidence? Most likely.
I say ‘hi’ to Jen and then say ‘hi’ to her husband, Billy, and DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE EVEN A LITTLE BIT that I referred to him as Kenny Loggins in the last gig I did with them because he would fucking KILL me even though I know karate because never, ever, underestimate a man who has tattoos INSIDE HIS URETHRA.
That’s some tough shit right there, my friends.
Kristin from work shows up with a guy we work with and her friend. We sit down and start drinking.
Kristin is COMPLETELY FUCKING OBLITERATED.
That took longer than usual.
At 7:30 the first band finishes their set and it occurs to me that the band is made up primarily of Michael Cera clones playing Pantera. When I was their age I was playing Atari and shit at home eating Oreos and probably trying to figure out how to work my penis without making it bleed.
Whatever..I don't care how old you are. You play Pantera with or without a binky in your mouth and you're okay in my book.
Jen goes up to the stage and starts talking.
I’m off stage.
I have pooped myself.
Jen says some stuff and honestly I don’t even remember it but then OMG OMG I’m on stage and taking the microphone from her and the next thing I know I’m talking about how TALL THE FUCKING URINALS ARE in this place because, seriously, they’re like, four feet off the floor and even though resting my balls on a urinal IS pretty comfortable…it’s not the most sanitary thing in the world.
And then I remember continuing to talk but I can’t hear anyone laughing and HOLY SHIT I’M BOMBING but I look down and Kristin is taking pictures and video and she’s laughing but SHE IS SO WASTED it doesn’t count so I have NO idea if my hippo jokes are going over or what but – OH JOY – Jen is on the side laughing so there’s a good sign.
Then Jen comes over and says something and I mention something about her looking good and her tattoos being intimidating while it’s making my ladybug tattoo on my hip look pussy-ish.
And then we’re off stage.
I feel like dying.
THERE IS VIDEO.
After the second band plays which is made up of three guys with dreadlocks (?!) and two of the Whiskey Girls (one of which has a job of just literally SCREAMING “AAARRRGHHHHHHHHHH” into the microphone) my tinnitus is in full force and then Kristin GETS SHUT OFF because she is now 3 hours past being shitfaced and into ‘legendary hammered’ status.
So while Kristin is screaming with her eyes rolled into the back of her head, ‘WHY?! WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?!”….
The power goes out.
Half the city of Manchester,NH loses power at this point.
And it STAYS off.
Apparently, the hamster got tired.
So eventually everyone starts bailing and then I get a phone call from Kristin because for some reason she has left the bar but FORGOT A SHOE (no shit) which I find SITTING ON THE STAGE.
So..yours truly got on stage all of three minutes and may or may not have been a total fucking bust BUT…
We raised a decent amount of money for a VERY good cause..and I was able to finally get that overly-tall urinal joke out of my head AND Jen mentioned that it would probably be a good thing if I came to their events to do this at all their fundraisers.
I hope the hippo jokes continue to carry over to other fundraisers.
Seriously. It’s all I got.
The wrapup shit:
The Whiskey Girls are an organization who WILL travel for events. If you have an event that you need fundraising for, or a product that you'd like promoted, I can't think of a cooler organization to have do it. Head to their website, check them out, and get it done.
You can also find them on Facebook here and on Twitter here.
For more photos, come over and join me on Facebook.
Find me at Facebook by clicking here:
If you'd like me to cover an event for you - and get some publicity here - contact me at mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
Don't worry...I'll bring my own roofies.