I wonder if his nickname in school was 'SuckMy.'
Let me explain.
I get an email at work the other day.
Surprisingly, it wasn't from Human Resources.
Those people are such assholes when they go through your emails.
Seriously, 'cock' can also refer to a chicken you know!
Where was I?
Oh. The email.
As I'm going through it, about someone's iPod or some shit getting stolen...one thing catches my eye:
Oh you poor bastard.
Because I'm actually 8 years old, I find this fucking hysterical.
I realize it's not spelled right but screw you...my blog, my rules.
The last time I read something like this was in my last job.
I also wrote a post on that as well.
The more things change, the more I watch Cinemax porn.
I have no idea, either.
This leads me to start going through the company email address book looking for other funny names and shit.
Because apparently they pay me here to write this blog and make Microsoft Paint pictures.
SCREW YOU, HUMAN RESOURCES!!
Let's see what I found.
Apparently, we hire people to test babies.
Best. Job. EVER.
I don't know what a baby tester's job actually is, but I'm sure it has something to do with elasticity and/or improving the taste. No idea.
HOLD THE PHONE!
I've just changed my 'best job ever' vote from baby testing to - that's right - DRAGON RESEARCH.
Not only do we apparently RESEARCH dragons here, but we also upgrade your dragon if we find, like, it doesn't fly good or it's made by Toyota and it's gas pedal sticks.
K..what else we got?
That's right, Douglas.
We're coming for you.
Cock (not chicken).
A mother exchange and military deployment program I can sign on for.
What's that, mom?
I'm NOT getting a new bike for Christmas this year?
Enjoy Iraq, bitch! Don't forget to pack your burkha!
I'd do anything for a ten-speed back in the day.
So, let me get this straight.
As far as I can tell, we research and upgrade dragons so we can then feed them pre-tested babies and people like Douglas and Charles and Macke who we've apparently hunted down, maced and then beaten by using our slightly used but highly trained mothers.
I really need to start paying more attention to the corporate newsletter.
I don't remember any of this shit.
I'm such a cock.