Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes | Mental Poo

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes

Nothing is impossible to a willing heart.
- John Heywood

Success is determined by those whom prove the impossible, possible.

- James W. Pence

Eat the rich, eat the rich
Don't you know life is a bitch
Eat the rich, eat the rich
Out of the palace and into the ditch

- Krokus

God, I miss the 80's.

Where was I?

Oh. Yes.

Kindergarten projects.

So a while ago, my wife handed me a project turned in by one of her inner-city kindergarten students.

In one section, you had to draw something that was POSSIBLE.

In the next section, something IMPOSSIBLE.

Here's another example.

First, let's take a look and see who it's from:

The Hell?

Luckily, my wife has a "Cap'n Crunch secret decoder ring" in her top drawer for just such an emergency.

Fine...we've figured out that an alien has submitted this paper.

Let's see..what did little K0QNj3r draw as his/her 'Possible' picture....




What the fuck is this? A sneeze? A puzzle? A puzzle of a sneeze? The Hell, kid?

The only thing I could figure out was this:


The kindergartner from Planet 9 was busy drawing tortoise embryos and shit for an apparent alien invasion.

Of course.

Then you look at what the kid drew as 'IMPOSSIBLE'...

So I stared at this thing for a while thinking ''s like two robots fighting or something' and my wife is like, 'I highly doubt the kid knows what a robot is' and I'm like, 'THANK GOD I don't live in the inner city because I don't want to know a world where I DON'T KNOW WHAT A ROBOT IS' and then the more I looked at this thing the more I got REALLY REALLY disturbed..

..because I noticed THIS:

* blink

Well..whatever that robot on the left is doing, he's about to get a giant surprise shoved up his robot asshole, apparently.

Or maybe that thing on the left symbolizes all of the human race during the upcoming alien invasion.

We're onto you, K0QNj3r.

We're onto you.

Viva la revolution!

Viva la anal robot probes of tortoise embryos!

Moog out.


I've created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!

This is not a drill.

Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.

Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.

Then I get rich and we're all happy. And by 'we're all happy' I mean "I am." I see this as a win.


Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Clearly, the aliens are going to win. I mean, look at the SIZE of their ammo! We're doomed...

Unknown said...

Ummm, that is code for OBI One Kanobi. I pretty sure he is trying to tell you to get over your fear of anal probe cause you will be the first to go during an invasion.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Too funny! I love little kid drawings :)

Unknown said...

Kindergarteners are at home in a totally alternate universe. You just don't appreciate it.

WILLIAM said...

Top left possible pic is clearly Snoopy doing a happy dance.

Heywood. Jablowme.

Kernut said...

I see a future politician in the making. Your wife should be proud. That kid might remember her when he's famous - or rather infamous.

I voted for you on Oprah's site. I know, that was nice of me.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

I voted, but only because I'm attracted to short men. No really. That's not a joke. Hard to believe, I know.

My husband is only 5'6", which to you is like a giant, but in the real world, he gets to count as a short man.

If you get the show, I'm going to start a drinking game so we have to do shots every time you point at the camera. We'll be drunk by minute 3.

pattypunker said...

that kid is bright. clearly he/she is telling us that it is impossible for the left robot to take the probe from both ends.


Joann Mannix said...

I'm rooting for you as the new Oprah. I can't wait to see you at your personal, feminine best. You have my vote.

And once AGAIN, here's what that kid is saying: Yes, embryos are possible and that is a human embryo, in its earliest stage, the stage where we all resembled turtles.

But, obviously the next picture is of two men, two gay men who want to have the right to procreate.

But, since there are only penises and clearly no vaginas or wombs in that picture, it is impossible. At the same time, the kid is showing his support for gay rights with the wide swath of colors all over the two crying men, yes they are crying because they cannot reproduce together. The colors represent the rainbow flag of gay rights.

So, there you have it. Any other questions?

MrsBlogAlot said...

I didn't learn about probing alien robots until high school.

Kelly said...

Obviously, the parents of this child picked his/her name from one of the many "captcha" thingamajigs they had to enter to post at a website.

We're talking WAY beyond Jennifer and Jason for a name.

Lizzy said...

once again, there is some pondering to do, some drinking to do, and then off to recovery

Stacyonthecouch said...

I laughed to tears at this one. I am so happy to have found your blog. Kills me everytime, but in a good way.

MommaKiss said...

I wish I missed the 80's. Alas, I was just a young lil thing in the 80's though, so you know, don't remember much to miss much.

Your wife deserves royalties from the Poo store for all the blog fodder she provides.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

I could be off base here, but I think the "possible" picture is one of those Mad Magazine type fold-up things. I don't know if you need to fold top to bottom or side to side, but the drawing'll make PERFECT sense once it's folded correctly.

Moooooog35 said...

Anything: THAT'S AMMO?!?!?

Wannabe: First to go? Hell. I'm volunteering.

Alterity: Thank you! I didn't draw them!

Eva: I appreciate it. It gives me shit to write about.


William: You are a genius among better geniuses.

Kernut: Thank you! Did you pimp me out, too? Because that's part of the deal.

Angie: Did I mention I'm REALLY short?

Patty: How I did not see that before is actually a good thing.

Joann: You had me at "call me Ishmael."

Mrsblogalot: Kids are so advanced these days.

Kelly: I highly doubt his parents have a computer.

Just a hunch here.

Lizzy: You're welcome.

Meleah: If there's one thing I'm good at, it's making fun of children.

Stacy: "Yes your honor. I killed her. But in a good way."

Momma: I was mainly wasted in the 80's.

I think.

Jeremy: I did that and all it made was a terrorist warning.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I see Jesus in both drawings. Little K0QNj3r has restored my faith.

God bless you and keep you.

Jessica said...

Any chance The Hulk can interpret drawings?

Miss Yvonne said...

A world without robot knowledge is a world I would rather not live in.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

ohmygod I'm dying here. This is one of those things that is absolutely hysterical but I don't if it's okay to laugh at because are we making fun of children here and isn't that not OK in this don't-hurt-the-kids-self-esteem, everyone-gets-a-trophy day in age?

And since when is an alien invasion replete with anal probes impossible?

Mike said...

I keep voting for you, for some reason. I'd vote for LILU too but her vid isn't available to Canadians.

Apparently we can give you maple syrup and hockey but we're not real people except to Oprah, which is why I can vote for you for the tenth time.

Didactic Pirate said...

Clearly, one of these pictures is prophesizing the End of Days. I just can't tell which one. Either way, I feel the need to hide in my basement until either a) the giant tortoise amoebas get dried up under our yellow sun, or b) the anal-probing robots finish each other off, have a couple cigarettes, and fly home.

Malach the Merciless said...

I liked the second one, can I buy it?

Michelle Faith said...

I don't know why you don't see it, seems rather simple really.

Ducky said...

I'm rich

not really, but I wish I was. For all intents and purpose we could pretend

Frank Lee MeiDere said...

I'm with the government, and I'd like to thank you for alerting us to this situation. K0QNj3r escaped from Area 52 (even more secret than Area 51) some time ago and we've been trying to get him back.

Ziva said...

Wow, I need to go to school in America, I've been missing out.

Beta Dad said...

Every kindergartner knows that a space shuttle on a chafing dish can't impregnate a cement mixer if the space shuttle's dick is stuck in it's own thrusters. Duh.

Ed said...

Dude. Its late but that was funny.

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: The janitor is in these photos?


The other Jesus.


Miss Yvonne: That's all I'm saying.

Nanny: You and your being "appropriate."

You drive me crazy, woman.

Mike: As thanks, I will introduce you to Kathy Griffin.

Please kill her immediately.

Didactic: On the bright side, there's probably porn stashed down there.

Malach: YES. I accept Visa.

Michelle: And yet you leave with NO EXPLANATION.

The Hell?

Daffy: We could pretend a LOT of stuff!

Frank: I KNEW IT.

Ziva: No. You really really haven't.

Beta: RIGHT?!

Ed: Gracias. The kid who drew this knows what I'm talking about.

bing said...

hi, bloghopped from tribal blogs.

you are a funny man and while i talk about serious stuff, yours is an icebreaker!

i love the impossible scribbles! ha ha and i am crossing my fingers it is not what it looks like ha ha

Mr. Condescending said...

We all know you don't eat captain crunch, you're always chewing on that meuslix shit.

Unknown said...

Little K0QNj3r tried to prepare us.
We are all screwed. Anally probed and screwed.

Unknown said...

OK, here's the deal. I have seen you posting comments on other peoples blogs and I thought, no way does can a man this funny be bothered with having his own blog so I never even looked. And THEN I see a link to YOU on Ed's Funny Pages and think NO FREAKING WAY! Why didn't Miss Yvonne clue me in sooner?! And then of course I visit you and I fall in love and of course like EVERY OTHER blogger genius man you are married. Damn the vicious cycle.

Moooooog35 said...

Mr. Condescending: I thought Mueslix was that Swedish model.

That would be AWESOME.

Midwestern: Be afraid. Be very. Afraid.

Heather: First let me say WELCOME!

Next let me say: Stay tuned. Shhhhh.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I totally thought I already commented on this. Man this is what happens when you get too drunk and go trolling around the internet looking for aliens and probes.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I think the inner-city child drew one of those ink blot tests. I see dead butterflies and a rocket ship cut in half on wheels. Does that make me more or less disturbed than everyone else?

My cat would say more... but it's not like she's a psychiatrist or anything.

steff said...

this is probably the only way i could be convinced to become a teacher. the hilarity alone would keep me coming back for more no matter how terrified i am of standing in front of a room full of children.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

Even with 3 kids screaming this made me laugh. Thank You! My 3 year old draws tortoise emrbyos as well and calls them dinosaurs. Now I can thank you because when she draws them I will actually think of robots with a probe in their tush. Ha! said...

Stuff like this is what makes teaching little kids worthwhile... Hours of mindless entertainment, coming up with interpretations of their artwork.

bitethebedbugs said...

That's robot anal. No doubt about it. And he should get credit for not drawing a picture of him wearing a graduation gown for "Draw something that is impossible" because sorry, but yeah. Aim high. Aim robot anal.

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