The Nifty Snowman Sweater | Mental Poo

Monday, July 05, 2010

The Nifty Snowman Sweater


What the HELL is a "Nifty Snowman Sweater?"

Anyone?

Anyone?

The wife and I were cleaning out our kitchen "junk drawer" the other day.

I believe EVERYONE has a drawer in their house/apartment (or box/glove compartment for you homeless readers out there) like this.

You know the one. The one drawer in your house that gathers all the shit that you don't know where else to put it.

Me: "HEY! There's my bologna sandwich from 1982!"

My bologna had a first name.

It was Jimmy. And he really freaked me the fuck out.


The contents:

Keys that unlock things that may or may not exist anymore.

Empty gum wrappers.

7,000,000 pens.

3,000 pencils, 12 of which actually have usable points.

5 working calculators.

2 broken calculators.

A small dog that may or may not have starved to death in there circa 1994.

And then there are...

Sticky notes.

Ah - sticky notes.

Some sticky notes have phone numbers on them with no names.

Some have names on them with no phone numbers.

In our case, one sticky note struck me as peculiar:

"Gotta get me one of those nifty snowman sweaters."

Um.

What?


I looked at my wife - it was her writing.

Me: "What is this?"

*blink


Wife: "I have NO idea."

Me: "When have you ever used the word 'nifty?' And why the Hell would you describe a SNOWMAN sweater that way?"

Wife shrugs.

Phew.

If she had found this note earlier, one of us would probably be wearing a fucking nifty snowman sweater right about now.

We dodged a bullet there.

Speaking of bullets, I found three of them in this drawer.

Interesting, since we don't have any guns.

Nifty guns, at least.


*********************
ALSO:

I've created an audition tape to try and have my VERY OWN TALK SHOW!!

This is not a drill.

Please check it out and vote for me. That would be awesome.

Then what would be awesome is if you spread the word and got me even more votes.

Then I get rich and we're all happy. And by 'we're all happy' I mean "I am." I see this as a win.

17 comments:

LB said...

Your junk drawer looks a lot like mine. Only we have junk drawers in every room of the house. You should see the one in the bathroom! Scary!

Danica-Dragonfly said...

Somehow, our junk drawer got impregnated ... (I'm fairly certain it was by one of the kids' Degus)Now we have THREE junk drawers ... of varying degrees of junkiness. I cleaned all three of them out last weekend and of the 7 000 000.00 pens that I found, 16 worked... 16.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Quirkyloon said...

Ooooh look at the treasure!

Amy said...

Echoing (what are probably) your wife's sentiments... you have 7,000,000 pens to choose from and you pick HER FAVORITE to drop into the toilet?

Accident? Riiiight. Sounds like when Ralphie's mom was watering her plants and "accidentally" broke the leg lamp.

Eva Gallant said...

We have two junk drawers; mostly 'cause hubby keeps buying junk--like that tire air pressure guage and that gadget to determine how much antifreeze is in your car radiator...all things he purchases butnever uses!

Ed said...

Be honest. You aren't used to having much junk in your drawers.

Dorn said...

DANG IT ED! I sooooo wanted to leave that comment!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

ED MADE A FUNNY. That's like two in the last month! :)

Um, YOU wrote that note didn't you Moooooogy? Or you made your wife do it on the threat that if she didn't you'd let her see you in a Speedo.

The Demigoddess said...

I am now encouraged to perform the long-overdue raid on my drawer. Cross your fingers I don't find a dead man there.

willowfriend said...

I decided to look at my junk drawer...mostly just expired coupons...oh and I found a big crucifix. Just in case some vampires stop by I'm covered.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

We just moved into a new house and one of the first things we did was designate the new official junk drawer. Not kidding.

ClevelandPoet said...

not only do we have a junk drawer that looks eerily similar to yours but we have a nifty prop giant Campbell's soup can.

It was a display at work I convinced them to let me take home and now it is stuffed with all sorts of props like a light saber, dino noses, a baby doll and etc...

Cooking Asshole said...

Some people have like 8 and 9 million votes. you have 536. Not bad...

Malach the Merciless said...

I am going to empty my junk drawer sooner or later

J.J. said...

I have one of those drawers and I'm scared to look in it, so I think I'll leave it for another 20 years.

Maxie said...

i heard a rumor that you once posed for a christmas picture in a holiday sweater. just saying.

Elly Lou said...

No pez dispensers? The hell!

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