Cracker Barrel and the Explosive Diarrhea | Mental Poo

Monday, July 26, 2010

Cracker Barrel and the Explosive Diarrhea


My son is awesome.

He's also wicked handsome but that's primarily because he looks like me.

I hope he inherits my modesty.

Regardless..

A while ago, the soon-to-be-ex-wife and I took the kids to "Cracker Barrel" for breakfast.

Cracker Barrel ad:

"Come in for breakfast. No teeth? No problem. Most of our staff doesn't have them, either."

Seriously - half the people in there look like they bang their sisters.

For the record, I don't have a sister.

Totally. Sucks.


Before we left, we told the kids to hit the bathrooms. I went into the men's room with my son.

Son: "I have to go poop."

Awesome.

Because I love hanging out in men's rooms.

No - seriously.

It's awesome.


Regardless, my son popped into a stall while I stood at the urinal myself.

BE STILL, ANACONDA!!

I've digressed.

Suddenly, the bathroom door burst open and a guy - in an obvious situation of full-on bowel distress - goes shooting into the stall next to my son.

No sooner is the guy in the stall, sitting right next to my son separated only by a small metal wall...

...does the cacophony of fart fireworks and shit-expulsion sounds begin.

*BRRAAAAPPP! BRAAAP!! FWOOOPPP!!"

This guy had to shit badly.

*PPFFFFTTTTT!! PTHBTHBTHBTHBT!! BROOOOP!"


Then...

*cricket*

There was a short lull in the symphony...

It's at this time that my son pipes up...

...and says to the guy in the stall:

"Excuse you."

* cricket

Awesome.

Guys, ever try peeing at a urinal while you're laughing? It's difficult.

Probably not as difficult as it is to shit while you're laughing - which the guy in the stall was now trying to do.

My son. Is. Awesome.

Plus, he has good manners.

52 comments:

Julianna said...

Excuse me while I pee myself laughing. Too funny! Your son is awesome.

inannasstar said...

I love the differences between Fathers and Mothers and where we get our feelings of pride ; )

Laurie said...

When my oldest was two, my husband brought him to the bathroom in a very crowded restaurant, where he proceeded to take a crap.

My husband wipes his butt for him, and then he loudly annouces, "Daddy, you're the best butt wiper in the whole wide world."

It apparently got a lot of laughs in the men's room.

Antonia Blanca said...

LOL!!!! That's a great story to keep for years with your son! :-)

JD at I Do Things said...

BWAH!

Your son is indeed awesome.

And his innocent comment probably saved Explosive Poo Guy from a heap of embarrassment.

Good on yer, young man.

Ed said...

That's Asstastic!

Best comeback-following-a-strangers-shitsplosion evah!

Mike said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I cannot wait for your son to get older and start blogging.

He's gonna put the old man to shame, and the old man does good shit.

Figuratively and literally.

Travis said...

And this is why you need to let your son play with matches. The only thing better than "Excuse you," would have been the lighting of a match. Then it's polite AND classy.

kate said...

We went to a Hindu wedding this weekend that served nothing but flaming hot Indian food for lunch and dinner...the guy in the bathroom stall was probably my husband. Holy buring butthole.

Quirkyloon said...

Wow. That was impressive. A Mental Poo[p] in the making!

Ha!

ClevelandPoet said...

once as I took my nephew into the bathroom a dude came sheepishly out of a stall looking flustered and started to wash his hands. My nephew looked into that stall and said "ewwww his mom didnt teach him right."

the dude sort of whimpered as he ran out.

Moooooog35 said...

Julianna: He truly is a mini-me.

I fear for him.

inannasstar: How could you NOT be proud of this?

Weird.

Laurie: In his defense, your husband really IS the best butt wiper in the world.

Antonia: Years? Really?

Years?

JD: We're men...we don't get embarrassed by that. We would make badges if we could.

Ed: I agree.

Mike: Hopefully, he'll make some money at least.

Travis: That's why I bought the propane grill lighter.

Multi-purpose.

Kate: I thought I smelled a hint of curry.

Quirky: Not sure why I didn't think of that first.

Sad.

Cleveland: You sure you were in the men's room? Who the Hell whimpers?

Vodka Logic said...

Good one..hope the guy feels better and you didn't hurt yourself laughing.. now you're a single guy think of the even more awesome and "polite" things you can teach your son...have mercy on your daughter. :)

Eva Gallant said...

Love your son! Too funny!

BugginWord said...

That poor, poor cricket.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Damn, that's hilarious.

Sorry to hear about the divorce, I missed that post. I've been there, it's not pleasant. Sounds like you and the ex have it figured out, but keep your guard up. Trust me on that one.

Christina_the_wench said...

Next time, arm that kid with a can of air freshener and turn him loose.

Tracie said...

Mini-Moooog, for the win!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Love the sound of explosive diarhhea the echoes. Hours of entertainment. Try that on canvas!

Jessica said...

Cracker Barrels scare me. Went into my first one when we were in the middle of our cross-country move (they don't exist on the West coast). Eeew.

Brutalism said...

Nothin' like some good ole fashioned public restroom family fun.

My Momma Drama said...

that's too funny

Don said...

Isn't it cool how some of us require little in the way of entertainment to amuse us?

Moooooog35 said...

Vodka: I'm confused as to how being single now translates into more fun things for my son to lear...OHHHHH.

Eva: He is an amazing specimen.

Buggin: Good point. Overused?

Chris: Thank you..on both points.

Christina: Yes. I'll be sure to walk around with a can of air freshener when I go to breakfast.

The Hell?

Tracie: Shoots. Scores.

Wannabe: I don't think I'll get my apartment security deposit back.

Jessica: However they DO have extremely uncomfortable rocking chairs. So..you know..WIN.

?

Brutalism: It's what we do.

Mommy Drama: Thank you.

Don: God..you have NO idea.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Your son is such a mini you. lol

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Did the sharter excuse himself? I'm dying to know.

Sunny said...

My husband says "I'm having a problem" when he's got the farts. When my daughter was young, we were shopping and heard and older women tooting as my mother used to say. My daughter, loud enough the woman could hear "MOM, that lady is really having a problem!"

"Yes, yes she is honey."

Too bad you didn't do an audio recording. It could be the annoying sound people hear when they visit your site. *gag, on second thought, no

litanyofbritt said...

Kids in public bathroom stories always make me chuckle.

Toe said...

This story has it all, pooping, farting, anacondas, and manners!

I can't stop laughing.

meleah rebeccah said...

Im cracking up over here! Your son is totally super awesome.

Moooooog35 said...

Tee: He is. But I can still kick his ass. For now.

Stephanie: No. No he didn't.

Sunny: Oh...I have so many problems.

litany: Or..make you call the Feds.

Toe: I'm a one stop shop of toilet humor.

You're welcome.

Meleah: He is completely awesome.

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've taught him well.

He IS awesome!

Loco YaYa said...

sweet lord. that. is. awesome.

oh..yeah..i left you a little turd of something over here...

just humor me and check it out please.

http://locoyaya.blogspot.com/2010/07/showing-some-bloggy-love.html

Malach the Merciless said...

Sorry about that, I should of answered the boy

Malach the Merciless said...

Sorry about that, I should of answered the boy

Christy said...

As soon as I read "excuse you," I burst out laughing and I might have drooled a little because I wasn't expecting it. Way. To. Go.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL !!! to your son. Excuse you!! HA HA HA ...

Daffy said...

I absolutely needed that laugh! And you should be proud....it was a proud moment!

The Demigoddess said...

I laughed out loud and instantly covered my mouth so none of the coffeeshop goers can hear my guffaws. Your son got your best genes, moooooog35. Apparently, this is how surivival of the fittest works.

germ said...

The Cracker Barrel is like a time warp to the mid west...with good cheese soup.

MA Fat Woman said...

It is hard to make poo when you're laughing; it hurts actually!

A Vapid Blonde said...

I would have DIED if I ever had to do anything like that with you and your son around.

DEAD.

Your son is too cool.

Hippest Snippets said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hippest Snippets said...

Hippest Snippets chose a piece of this post as one of the quotes of the day. We decided you're cool. We're the cool police. We highlight the best blogs in the universe!

Well at least the planet. We can't speak for Jupiter. Rumor is that they have some awesome writers. Bee-Bop Kodos is the best.

www.hippestsnippets.com

The Sweetest said...

Laughing so hard I just wok my son up from his nap!

Moooooog35 said...

Mrsblogalot: WTF is LOFL?

Loco: Thank you!! It's up on my awards page right now!

Malach: So. Rude.

Christy: It's how we roll. You're welcome.

Midwestern: He is an amazing piece of work if I do say so myself.

Daffy: DOWN WOMAN! HIDE YOUR LUST!

Demi: I'm not sure he's going to be so happy about having my genes.

So many defects.

So. Many. Defects.

Germ: Cheese soup...with a free defibrillation with every order!

MA: aaaaand didn't really need to know that.

Vapid: He really, really is.

Hippest: NICE. Thank you!

Sweetest: Did you just stir fry your son or did I read that wrong?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

You've raised your son well, Moog. Actually, not really all that well. But it's clear that you raised him.

The Random Blogette said...

That is hilarious! At least he didn't blame it on you though.

Pat said...

This was hysterical! You should be proud. Your son is taking after you. A real comedian!

Dana said...

New reader, popped over from Guilty Squid... what a post to pop my "new reader cherry" on.

"Excuse you"

Priceless!

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

FINALLY - my trend of correcting the manners of co-stallers has taken off. I knew it was just a matter of time.

Dysfunctional Supermom said...

Awesome, indeed! Holy shit...too funny!

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