Winning GBP is Like the Reverse of Losing PBG | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Winning GBP is Like the Reverse of Losing PBG

So I got me some more email the other day:

************************

From: Mercedes Benz
Subject: winner

Awarded 950,000.00 GBP in the Mercedes Benz Promo send details:
1.Name........
2.Address.......
3.Tel.......


************************

Hm.

I don't recall going to a Mercedes dealership and entering a contest EVER because I'm still a little pissed at the Germans about the whole Holocaust thing.

But I'm not pissed because I'm Jewish or sympathetic to Israel or have human emotion but more because my father was obsessed with history when I was growing up so instead of going to Six Flags or some other fun place for vacations we ended up going to Washington DC or Gettysburg or other historic places and having an event like the Holocaust just gave him even more shit to bore me to death with so THANK YOU VERY MUCH MR. HITLER for making my childhood even more boring.


Of course...I'm always excited about winning shit even if I don't know what it is and that it's PROBABLY not real but I should be receiving money any day now from that nice dead lady Claire Page.


So I replied to the friendly (read: MURDERERS) people at Mercedes:

************************

From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com
To: jerry.smith2010@9.cn
Subject: Spam: Re: winner

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

I'm so excited!!

What's a GBP?

Is it like a PBG but backwards?! Because that would make sense to me.

But, then again, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock made sense to me and we all know how that shit turned out.

Can I get an analogy high five? I think I can!

Regardless, as 'winner' I shall give you my details post haste as soon as I Google 'post haste' and someone tells me what the Hell a GBP is!

I would Google 'GBP' too but I fear it may be a huge waste of my time and resources based on the fact that I'm pretty much writing this to you while I'm working and they're watching me.

Always watching.

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Ha! You're so cute when you get scared. I would pinch your cheeks but I know how much you Mercedes people hate that shit so I'll just pinch your butler's cheeks instead.

Crazy rich Mercedes people and your butlers.

Is your butler named 'Rodney?' because most are and - COINKIDINK! - my name is 'Rodney' too! Therefore I shall pinch my own cheeks and we shall laugh and drink mimosas while sitting on our butlers!! I may even GET MY OWN BUTLER NAMED RODNEY and just call him "ME" and sometimes we'll dress up as each other and confuse the world like in "Trading Places."

Oh..I guess you now you know my first name.

I suppose that's one question answered.

You're welcome.

So..what's a BGP?

Is it a leg-lamp? It's a leg-lamp, isn't it.

DON'T TELL ME I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE!


Signed,

Winner of something GBP-ish that may or may not be a leg lamp.


************************

They did not get back to me.

Fuckers.

Then I decided to Google it anyway because I can't possibly work ANY LESS.


Man.

I'm guessing it's the British pound shit and not the gun buyback program or the Packers which is actually kind of okay because cheese-heads are not a good look on me.

Or anyone.

But I was really pulling for the leg lamp.

I guess I'll just buy one with the money from Claire Page.

Moog out.

23 comments:

Amy said...

You must be as excited as Jessie Spano on caffeine pills! Boo, I never win anything. Other possible interpretations for GBP...

- goat by-product? (meh)
- great berry pies? (meh)
- Greek bitches please? (warmer)
- Gaga being punched? (warmer)
- green butt plugs? (hot)

Hope the shipping costs aren't too high. Enjoy!

Christina_the_wench said...

Are you for hire? 'Cause, damn. My house needs cleaned and I could use someone waiting on me hand and foot.

I got liquor.

Travis said...

I got the same email. My reply was much shorter, but said, "I'm so excited I won! I would love to send you my details, but how did I get entered?!" And for sure, they got back to me. I strung them along for 3 or 4 days, then they stopped returning emails. Hell, I didn't see any money though, I hope they were just joshin.

Mike said...

Shit Rod, you'd look great in a Mercedes. You could take it to six flags and go on Ze loop coaster just to piss of your dad!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

oh my god, you would look awesome in a Benzo. I hear it has booster seats and you can make the seats up and down and it makes that bzzzz sound that makes it really cool. Just like a grown up car. You should do a follow up e-mail.

lacochran's evil twin said...

I got that mail.

It doesn't take a genius to see what's going on here: We'll split it.

Pollyanna said...

Wow! 950,000 GBP is almost $1.5 million in USD.

Yah, I couldn't work any less either so I looked it up.

Anywho, I can't believe Ed McMahan isn't at your door with a check or the keys to your BRAND NEW CAR! Jerks!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I'm still laughing at the picture of Hitler pointing to the loop coaster. Was that taken at Six Flags Over Munich? That would be funnier if I could say it in German, but I can't. I know that "six" is pronounced "sex" but I have no idea how to say "Flags".

ClevelandPoet said...

they probably haven't gotten back to you because they're working on a way to get in on the awesome leg lamp market.

you should make sure they give you credit for that shit.

Moooooog35 said...

Amy: Why is your butt plug green?

Never mind. Don't need to know.

Christina: Send me the address.

Travis: You sure know how to burst a man's bubble.

Mike: I'd look great in anything..who you kidding? Have you seen me? I'm quite miraculous.

Wannabe: But would I still have to plug it in like my Barbie Jeep?

lacochran: as long as we split it unevenly.

Pollyana: Pretty sure Ed McMahon is dead.

Probably explains why he's not at my door.

Chris: Sex Flags. I have some of those when I claim victory.

(not often)

Cleveland: Good point. Leg Lamps = Future.

Kelly said...

Excuse me! *I* am the true winner of contests I have never entered. I know this because I get e-mails all the time telling me so and that I can claim my prize, which is usually $8 MILLION dollars (American money!) as soon as I forward my SS#, my bank account #, my mother's maiden name and the school my first pet attended.

Ed said...

Could be worse. GBP could stand for Great Big Penises.

bikramyogachick said...

I think a leg lamp is perfect for your new apartment. It will go nicely with the fake cat Maxie is getting you for your birthday.
Your welcome.

Sunny said...

I bought a used Benz once, it was an effing piece of shit. One month after buying it, the gas pedal had to be replaced, THE FUCKING GAS PEDAL! Most people probably think the engine is the most important thing in a car, but it's actually the gas pedal.

Oh, and don't watch that lottery documentary on cable. That will depress the hell out of you. If you do get your GBPs, it will ruin your life, the lives of your kids, and you will lose everything including internet service so you won't be able to update your blog, and that will make me sad. Just say no.

meleah rebeccah said...

You crack me up! I wish I could write funny replies to spammer emails.

Also, I will never know HOW you managed to make Hitler and the Holocaust into comedy. But you did. And you did it well.

PS:
I DO have a leg-lamp and I love it!

PPS:
"Can I get an analogy high five?" reminded me of the TV show Scrubs and the surgeon Todd. [not like that matters!]

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFLEYYEJGYRWP!!!

OK now I'm just making stuff up.

Once again, I find myself extremely jealous of your "cant work any less" job.

The Ninja said...

The whole butler Rodney thing...Brilliant. Seriously...brilliant.

Malach the Merciless said...

You better off with the Euro, kind of

Malach the Merciless said...

You better off with the Euro, kind of

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Too bad those fuckers dont speak English. Seriously, it's like sweat shop spamming!

If I were your spammer I'd hit you harder because I'd need something entertaining to get me through my day, haha

Tarheel Rambler said...

That hits close to home because my father spent his days replying and giving these idiots his information. Luckily, he's now in a nursing home and they give him supervision so that he can't be taken advantage of any more. But that doesn't get back the thousands of dollars he squandered.

OGLADI said...

You're crazy. Butlers are named Jeeves.

CatLadyLarew said...

I shall pray for your leg lamp to arrive soon.

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