Handy Incapable | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Handy Incapable

From the archives of "This Moooooog's House," comes:

"You know you're not handy when..."


Do you like your men burly and rugged?

Do you like your men self-sufficient and able to take on any task with ease?

Do you like your men with grease on their face, a dirty rag in their back pocket and a power tool in each hand?

Well, then, ladies...

You're in the right place.

Because that guy sounds just like my contractor.

I'll see if I can hook you guys up.

I'll be in the living room playing XBox and eating Doritos.

You see, I've tried being handy.

Let's just call that 'Epic Fail' and continue on with some examples, shall we?


1) Ten minutes into replacing a toilet seat, your spouse knocks on the bathroom door and says:

"Hey...do you need help in there?"

* testicles retract

Because it wasn't humiliating enough simply realizing that I've been in here for TEN FUCKING MINUTES trying to remove a goddamn toilet seat, so - sure fragile member of opposite sex - could you please come in here and help me remove these two tiny bolts?

Oh...and could you do it WITHOUT taking pictures of me sweating through my shirt?

You're a dear.

2) Your entire tool kit consists of a power screw driver that may or may not work, three different sizes of 'Robo Grips' that your father in law gave you 12 years ago, and some speaker wire.

I have a giant Sears tool chest that houses these four items and something else that resembles some type of shiv.


3) Your idea of 'refinishing the hardwood floors' consists of pouring a half gallon of polyurethane over the floor straight from the can and spreading it around with a Swiffer.

Sanding the floor ahead of time was not an option as I was unable to figure out how to do it using speaker wire and Robo Grips.

4) You are sometimes covered in your own feces.

This may also be the sign of a sick, sick fetish.

Don't ask me how I know that.

5) You've paid a contractor to come and tighten your faucet.

I'm not proud.

I probably could have done that if I'd figured out how to use the damn Robo Grips.

I'd go try to find the instructions, but this XBox isn't going to play itself.

Moog out.


ClevelandPoet said...

you have a responsibility to those Doritos and to that x box.

wait I'm supposed to have a toolbox?

germ said...

You know your not handy when your "tool box" is the size of a girls make-up kit and your hammer is smaller then a spatula.

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm just impressed that you know what a Swiffer is. Wow.

You need to move over. Hubby needs to join you and those Doritos as I chalk the shower stall.

Dorn said...

Aw, man up Moog! Drop the controller and destroy some crap. The contractor only gets called after you've taken everything apart and has to play 52 card pick up with your do it yourself garage door install.

Anonymous said...

Hey my tool box is a tupperware container and I am doing just fine. Call me if you need help building the city.

Sue said...

Red Green always used to say, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy".

Good thing you're handsome, eh?

Elly Lou said...

But you built all those dish dollys!

I hate when people ask me to fetch screws from a tool box. They're all, "Hand me a 2 in drywall screw." And I come back with what I think is a 2 in screw only to find out it's a 1/4 in screw. Apparently someone has been lying to be about how long 6 inches is.

Moooooog35 said...

Cleveland: If you have an XBox and corn chips, you're grandfathered.

Germ: You say that like they're bad things.

Christina: I'm nothing if not feminine.

Wait. What?

Dorn: Oh, I can destroy crap with the best of them.

The problem is that it's usually while trying to fix it.

Wannabe: I keep calling but you don't pick up. The hell.

Sue: Exactly.

Elly: I only sketched the Dish Dollys. Shhhhhh.

Vodka Logic said...

You been snooping in our tool box, cuz it sounds the same?

Hubby is sorta handy...just takes for freakin' ever. Would rather call the cute contractor guy.

Ed said...

Awwww, Mooooog.

We all know how "Handy" you are.

You've told us about your adventures in the shower.

Miss Yvonne said...

My tool box has a tampon, advil and a snickers bar in it. I'm pretty sure I'm not using it the right way.

Unknown said...

You are not alone; my husband is also very unhandy. But then he is 6' 3" tall....that forgives a lot!
He can reach the shelves I can't!

Unknown said...

Moog: It's all ball bearings.

germ: Is that a bbq grill spatula or one from the Barbie Dream Tool Shed?

Miss Yvonne: I have that tool box! Except mine also contains 87 mini bottles of liquor I stole from various hotel minibars!

Static said...

Two words: duct tape. =)

Mike said...

From #5 - contractors LOVE you. Minimum effort, maximum charge out.

You sir, are supporting the American economy.

Brutalism said...

Man...if I had a nickel for every time I'd "paid a contractor to come and tighten my faucet..."

Wait. That wasn't a euphemism?

MrsBlogAlot said...

Let's focus on your many other talents shall we?

Like not falling into the toilet because of a loose seat. That should count for something right?

A Vapid Blonde said...

With Elly reminding me of my "falling into the toilet cage fighting poo flinging nightmares" And you remeinding my of my bad toilet seat BBQ sauce incident I am going to have even more toilet issues.

Didactic Pirate said...

I am useless around our house. If it wasn't for my ability to kill spiders, my wife would've booted me to the curb long ago and married that dude who hosts Dirty Jobs on the Discovery channel.

Moooooog35 said...

vodka: I would take forever, too. If I could get started.

Ed: Thank you, trusty sidekick!

Miss Yvonne: I don't even want to know how you use it in the first place.

Eva: Thanks for rubbing that in.

That's what she said.

Sister: You had me at 'ball.'

Static: Seriously..somehow I'd manage to light something on fire.

Mike: Anything I can do to help.


Brutalism: I think I have the pipe wrench you've been looking for.

Mrsblogalot: There has got to be more.

probably not.



Didactic: Dude. Even I would marry Mike Rowe.

Guy is magical.

Juli said...

Okay, you know what a Swiffer is? I say, find a woman that can fix stuff and barter the housework. If she's pretty, maybe you could barter something else as well. ;) -J

MommaKiss said...

um, I'll take that handyman's number. Thanks!!!

Sunny said...

Tools do not make the man (well, not the tools you're talkin' bout') We have 3 toolboxes and they are brimming with tools. Some still shiny and new. But my hubby will eff something up faster than it takes to plug a hole with masking tape. He's tightened too tight and broke it off, left valves open and it leaked and dropped allen wrenches into tight spots that can't be reached which engaged the new klunking sound option.

I try to make the sign of the cross when he approaches a project but he's obviously evil because it doesn't phase him.

So my dear, you are not alone. Unfortunately, I have yet to run across ONE handsome handy man. They all look like they are one job away from the old folks home, the ghetto or raised in the rural Kentucky mountains.

pattypunker said...

i can relate. i take buttons that need to be sewn to the dry cleaners. but i have a strap on toolbelt. *winks*

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow . . I am speechless . .

Ms. Salti said...

Hell man, if I can replace a toilet seat, paint the main floor of my house and install a backsplash in the kitchen, ANYONE CAN!!! Get it together!

Moooooog35 said...

Julianna: I also have a swiffer DUSTER.

You know you want me.

Mommakiss: Here it is *stuffs it in front pants pocket*

Sunny: Are you saying Bob Vila is ugly?!?!?!

Patty: Remind me to never ask you to fix anything in my apartment.

Malach: I DID IT!

Salti: Are you for hire?

Tracie said...

You and my Toaster Oven have a lot in common. We hire out every little thing around here, too and then he works overtime to pay for it.

Sandra said...

This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I hate to admit though, that I was drawn to your blog based on its name - I have four kids, I see the word "poo" and I immediately gravitate!
I will be back!!!!

BlackLOG said...

I managed to get myself banned from decorating for about 5 years after I knocked over a tin of red paint onto a brand new carpet....
My recent attempt at D.I.Y was about 4 hours to change 4 bike tyres. I was changing them to special self sealing inner tubes and puncture proof tyres so as not to spend over an hour failing to change a tyre on the road. I had hoped for economies of scale but it was not to be...

Pat said...

So what you're saying is, women admire you for your tool that's NOT in your tool box?

injaynesworld said...

It's just not fair, is it. Men are faced with such unrealistic expectations when it comes to fixing things and killing creatures that go bump in the night. You really should all be born with a handbook that pops out with the placenta.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

I have to agree with Jayne. It's not your fault you were gifted with mad XBox skills while others were gifted with mad Mr. Fix-it skills. (And it's probably way too late to go looking for that placenta.)

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