The Silent Coffee Table War | Mental Poo

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Silent Coffee Table War


When my kids stay at my apartment...

(codename: Chez I-can't-believe-I-now-live-in-a-goddamn-apartment)

..they pack with them games and dolls and toys and to be honest with you it's really ruining the 'Swinging Bachelor Pad' vibe of my place even though the cute little hamster in the pink cage with the giant Habitrail set pretty much does that already.

She's so cute!

I wub her! Yes I dooooo!

*ahem


So, the other morning I wake up on the sleeper sofa because the kids take my bed when they come over because all I could afford was a one-bedroom apartment (thank you, outrageous child support payments!) and look over wearily at my coffee table and see this:


O.

K.

???

So my kids had somehow set these things up so that they look like they just got into some kind of weird doll/toy argument and why would anyone want a stuffed animal thingy that looks so goddamn PISSED OFF?

So it got me thinking about what they might have been arguing about.

Of course.










Who knew my trailer-trash discounted coffee table could be such a hotbed of tension?

Probably my little hamster.

She's so cute and smart and..

I'll stop now.

41 comments:

who wouda thunk it?? said...

maybe it was a family portrait of you and the ex

WILLIAM said...

I like my stuffed animal thingys just like I like my coffee...black, fuzzy and bitter.

Dazee Dreamer said...

too funny. I loved the sarah jessica one. hahahah my thoughts exactly

Elly Lou said...

I'm still distracted by the photo of the hamster cage. Look at it just a little closer - specifically that white-ish tube in the middle. Now own up to it Moooooogsey. That's the most intricately disguised penis pump ever, isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!??

Brutalism said...

You are living the dream, my brother.

That picture of the doll on top (of the page...get your mind out of the gutter) will be the subject of my nightmares for months to come.

Thanks!

Kay Richardson said...

Lolzords.

Dorn said...

Was the doll at the top a prop from The Hills Have Eyes? That thing is disgusting!

Moooooog35 said...

who: I doubt it...although the full head of hair is definitely flattering.

William: Preaching to the choir my friend.

Dazee: I don't see how anyone could really disagree.

Elly: One way to find out, baby.

Brutalism: You're welcome.

Kay: zords, the other white meat.

Dorn: I will be shipping it to you shortly. Enjoy your sleepless nights.

nonamedufus said...

Um, couple of question:

Do you clean the hamster cage or do you wait for the kids to come over?

Do you get hamster support?

Just curious.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

You are a genius. That's all.

p.s. #5 had me cackling non-stop. Thanks.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

It may be time to get you fitted for a new jacket....one with straps and restraints.

kate said...

Why does the Barbie look like a bobblehead? And what the fuck is a Puffle?

Spanky said...

I always thought nothing said "Manly Man" like a pretty pink rodent contraption thingy... for reals.

MommaKiss said...

Those toys better get checked, never know what happens on that coffee table when they're not around.

Mrsblogalot said...

Is anyone monitoring you?

btw, how could the poor stuffed guy pull out without any arms?

Ms. Salti said...

Love it! Where do you come up with this shit?

Moooooog35 said...

noname: wow, dude...that's a lot of hamster questions.

that's what she said.

what?

Absence: Thank you. I'm here all week.

Sadly.

Mad Woman: Why? What's wrong with the one I have now?

Kate: I don't think that's a Barbie. Hold on...let me check her tag..it's here under the skirt and...

Spanky: So true.

So. True.

Momma: I have pictures.

Mrsblogalot: I'm curious as to what you think 'pull out' means and why you'd need arms to do it.

Please explain.

Ms. Salti: If I knew the answer to that, I'd be saving a ton of money in therapy bills.

ClevelandPoet said...

I hope/bet the hamster instigates these fights.

I can't wait for the blog post when you find the brutal doll murder that occurs one night.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Man with hamster is a chick magnet. Wait till you take it out for a walk. Don't forget the hamster leash!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Sorry. Are we allowed to comment on your comment on others' comments? Oh what the hack...

Your exchange with Mrs. Blogalot inspires this quote:

"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"

Eva Gallant said...

That hamster cage screams macho man!

meleah rebeccah said...

That pink hamster cage is awesome!

Malach the Merciless said...

Child Support? You carry the health insurance? Then there be no child support!

SisterMerryHellish said...

Sweet baby Jesus! Why would anyone make a Don Rickles sex doll?! The horror!

Thanks for sharing, ya hockey puck!

Moooooog35 said...

Cleveland: The hamster is a total instigator. I believe it has to do with the teasing.

Wannabe: The only way the hamster is a chick magnet if it's the repelling side.

Absence: CATFIGHT!

Eva: Yes. Macho like the Village People.

Notsomuch.

Meleah: I KNOW!

Malach: You silly Massachusetts people and your 'rules.'

Sister: Didn't notice that until you said it and now I wish you hadn't.

So..you know. Thanks.

Miss Yvonne said...

I used to think clowns were the scariest things ever. Until I saw that doll in the first picture.

Stacy said...

I'd like to steal that pic for MY Coffee Table for Two. heh. heh.

One a regular day, I am the angry short fat fuzzy dude. When my daughter is pms-ing, it's the other way around.

Ed said...

I proud of you dude.

You're finally playing with dolls you don't have to inflate first.

Laffylady said...

Lol tomorrow..EnJoY..!!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL!!! You never fail to bring the smiles and laughs.. still it makes me sad to think of you in your not so much bachelor, bachelor pad.

Mariann Simms said...

I do NOT miss my hamster cage with all the little ribbed areas where the hamster pee solidifies on. I had a huge cage - but the hamsters never peed on anything BUT the tubes and, really, that's some gluey smelly stuff.

I like Argument #2 best...perhaps I need to hook up with that little stuffed guy...he thinks just like me. :)

Amy said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!

EVER!

Also? Why the hell is *that* doll so pissed off???!!!

DavidShag said...

After seeing the kids toys, I am wondering if you have ever wondered if the separation, like, damaged them? I'd be very afraid if I saw my kid toting a baby doll like that one at the top of the page. That's more like something I would carry. And I know *I* am damaged...

The Sweetest said...

After seeing the picture of that "baby" doll, I am having a hard time processing what I am reading. Awesome.

Cranki said...

Holy shit. That was awesome. Thank you.

Pearl said...

Nice. :-)

Pearl

Jen said...

Looks like me and one of my exes, who refused to pull out of some floozy.

pattypunker said...

mooooooog, you don't have to hide behind an angry weeble smurf character to make your inner thoughts known.

Adam V. said...

these were hilarious, my favorite was number 4. keep the great stuff coming!

http://lifeonrye.blogspot.com

Jenny said...

is that a real hampster or have your kids joined the zhuzhu pets cult of idiots? Please say its real.

CatLadyLarew said...

Perfect accoutrement for your trailer trash coffee table. Question: Do you have to pay for your kids' therapy on top of the child support? How about the hamster's?

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