The One Where I Actually Read a Book | Mental Poo

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The One Where I Actually Read a Book

I read a book.

This is not typically news unless you're ME where the last actual adult book I read that was non-porno and did not contain pictures of bears or mice or Strega Nona elderly magical pasta-making women or stuffed bears who are borderline retarded and for some reason need pockets (WTF, Corduroy?) was "Into Thin Air" and that was back before I had kids or a bald spot and I just now got the correlation there.

Friggin kids.

Where the fuck was I.


I read a book.

I read a book because a friend of mine, Ross Cavins, asked me to.

Because he wrote it.

Ross wrote a book called, "Follow the Money" and he asked me to write a review on it.

So I did.

Ross sends me the book and I open it and MOTHER OF GOD THERE ARE NO PICTURES but there WAS this little gem written inside the cover:


You may be an adult midget, but you're always big on laughs. You're an twelve-year-olds everywhere."

Hahaha. Funny, Ross.

Your book SUCKS.

Just kidding.

So I started reading "Follow the Money"...

But since I don't particularly care to read I decided that the place where I was most likely to concentrate on such an endeavor was in the bathroom so I put the book on the back of my toilet and within 15 bowel movements and roughly 4 hours later...


..a review is born.

And, honestly, a number of painful hemorrhoids, too.

I've digressed.

Follow the Money

"Follow the Money" is a collection of ten short stories all interconnecting with one simple key ingredient familiar to all of them:

Three million dollars.

Ross does a great job of storytelling with excellent character development.

Honestly, you never really know how each story is going to tie into the others - but he manages to surprise you and pull off an admirable job in bringing each character to life...and, subsequently, each story together.

Considering there were no monkeys or bears or porn, I actually enjoyed reading the book.

Which is saying something since I have the attention span of an OOOOH MY HAMSTER IS AWAKE!! Who's a good girl? Are you a good girl?

She's so cute.



The book.

If you enjoy humorous writing, excellent character development, and like the variety of stories that a collection of short verses can give you, I HIGHLY suggest picking it up.

It will be the best four toilet-bound hours of your life.

Unless you're getting a blumpkin.

Then by all means, put the book down.

Nice job, Ross. But you're still not getting away with that twelve-year-old remark.

Eric Estrada is watching you.

Moog out.


Where you can buy FOLLOW THE MONEY:

Buy it here at


Ross Cavin's very own book site.



The Invisible Seductress said...

This cracked me up!! Thanks for the laughs this morning!!

Unknown said...

I'm just amazed that you can read.

Anonymous said...

Thank god your hamster is still alive. I was worried cause of the fight on the coffee table.

I must have toilet also.

Uhmmm... the random pic of you in a pool was that the Mr. Turtle pool for midgets edition?

Oh and you need a tan. Seriously. A spray tan or something or just rub soya sauce all over you same thing.

SisterMerryHellish said...

Funny AND short stories? That sounds perfect for my short attenion sp- Ooo! Shiny!

No really, I'm off to pick this up. You need a "Moog Approved" seal with your hamster girlfriend on it! Get to work!

Brutalism said...

Screw that've managed to weave together Erik Estrada, a blumpkin and you in a pool. (Just like last Saturday night...Whoops! wasn't supposed to mention that, was I?)

WILLIAM said...

the mullet on the left...definitley circa 1988

Teisha said...

I love the randomness of this post. Will you marry me? Nevermind the other husband and two children I already have, we can make it work.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Eh...I was sitting here for like five minutes staring at the word blumpkin and thinking about your hamster until I realized what was what and now I am completely ill at ease. At work.

Ed said...

How nice of your friends to join you in the baby pool where you could touch.

Donnie said...

Sweeeet. I may have to take a closer look at it. I knew Ponch was a homo the day I saw him put VO5 Spray Net on his hair.


I read it. I have nothing. Sorry I am tired.

Except I think you should do one of your motivational posters using that picture of you in the pool.

And then sell it.

Because maybe someone would buy that.

*shifty eyes*

Amy said...

That picture? Full of 1980's Awesome!

Ross Cavins said...

Just so you all know, Moog here would totally fit in as a character in the book. In fact ... he'll definitely be in my next one ...

Vote here and I PROMISE I'll put him in:

a) Rodney as a strip-club bouncer who gets his ass beat every night.

b) Rodney as a cop who stutters and gets picked on by his partner relentlessly.

c) Rodney as a fashion-starved manager of a Hooters in Memphis.

Vote away.

Maxie said...

fashion-starved manager of hooters.


Miss Yvonne said...

More pictures of you without a shirt on in the 80's please. Bonus points if you are sporting a mullet.

Bombshell BLISS said...

Would you have read it faster if you'd read it TO the hampster? Doesn't look that big and I thought people into porn read really fast to get to the good part...just sayn'

Excuse me...I'm not smart enough to know what "blumpkin" is, I must go google. Why am I feeling fear?

Christina Harper said...

Damn. I'm shocked. You read a book. Even though four hours of literary material doesn't really count, but kudos for maintaining your attention span for that long. :)

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

whatever you do: don't google image search blumpkin.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Dude, you need a tan. ; ) Oh...and nice review!

pattypunker said...

what have you done to corduroy!

Ducky said...

Why'd ya have to out yourself with the whole 'circa 1988' shit on the pool shot. You might have been able to score some hot babes with that.


Anonymous said...

I saw the "corduroy," pic. Figured I would like this post.

I did. Funny stuff, man.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Whew. So it is a novel. Fictions. I thought you read one of those finance books, like Who Moved My Cheese. Was worried that you are going to go all corporate on us.

By the way, you should walk around in a portable pool. You do look hot and "normal" in that picture. ;-)

MrsBlogAlot said...

You give great review! said...

No wonder Corduroy spent so much time bouncing on the bed in the furniture department... He sure as hell wasn't reading a book.

Malach the Merciless said...

Books are for losers!

meleah rebeccah said...

Well, if this book managed to hold your attention long enough for you to actually LIKE it, then I'm sold!

BadLarry said...

steff said...

when i was in junior high there was a girl in my history class who would masterbate through her overalls. she didn't even NEED to play pocket ball like Corduroy! she had no shame, she just stuck her hand down the side of the bib front and went to town.

and by "girl in my history class" i mean me.

Steff, everything is cool as long as you didn't do this afterward.

Opto-Mom said...

You have received an award, so pop on over to my blog to check it out!

Unknown said...

I vote for the bouncer at the strip club storyline!

Marie Nicole said...

not that it's a competition or anything but your stuff is so much better than mine and that's why i have to hate you. every once in a while i come back here and remind myself of how wickedly funny you are and that just reinstates my deep deep hatred... people like you make people like me look bland, so stay away so i can shine again if only in my own mind :o)

J.J. in L.A. said...

My vote is for "Rodney as a cop who stutters and gets picked on by his partner relentlessly"

I love gay porn. ; )

Brutalism said...

Too late to vote? Strip club bouncer...absolutely!

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