Ren-ASS-ance Faire | Mental Poo

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ren-ASS-ance Faire

Thou art strange.


I recently took the kids yet again to the local New England Renaissance Faire called "King Richard's Faire" which also goes by the name:

"Boobies Boobies Boobalicious Boobfest, 2010."

(Trademark Pending).

If you've ever been to these things they can be kind of cool especially if you like looking at lots and lots of breasts or - going the other route - have never seen a breast because you've been playing Dungeons and Dragons and, that's right Nerdy McNerderson, this is your moment to shine.

And by 'shine' I mean 'dress up like a complete ASSHOLE.'


Here are just a couple of things I captured for your entertainment:

The Torture Show

So, our very first stop when we walked through the gates at 10:30 in the morning was a show called "The Torture Show."


So, you know...

That was awesome.

On a related note, I'm pretty sure Matthew Broderick feels like doing this every single morning when he wakes up and rolls over.

Other People Can't Take Pictures

So, the kids and I go take a seat near the Jousting Field and this guy in front of us with some weird accent (not the Walmart-Stock-Boy-attempting-to-do-a-British-accent-like-everyone-else-here kind) asks me to take a picture of him and his family.

No problem. I mean, even though I'm a Republican and you have an accent which means I probably shouldn't like you it IS a Sunday and even racism and intolerance needs a break every once in a while.

Man. Sometimes I'm so philosophical it's ridiculous.

So I ask him to return the favor and take a pic of me and the kids.

Here's what I get when I look at the photo:

WTF, dude.

Apparently, he translated "Would you mind taking our picture now?" into "Please take a picture of everything EXCEPT us and even if you DO manage to capture us in a tiny portion of the picture can you make sure that you don't get all of me, too? Because I would hate to have any long lasting memories of this day that actually show that we were in attendance. That would be great. Thanks."


The Velvet Asshat

So we're sitting there and to my immediate right is this asshole:

Let's break this jackass down for you:


At least put your teeth in.

The King is here, for Chrissakes.

The Discounted Asshat

Then just when I don't think I can be surrounded by any more weird people dressed in this crap FOR FUN this guy sits to the right just behind me:

So I took this picture kind of secretly and when his head was turned because he actually had weapons on him and I'm not so sure you can trust the mental stability of any asshole who dresses like this on a Saturday.

That's when he PULLS OUT A MACE and not the spray kind that only stings for a little bit and you can continue with your assault if you build up enough tolerance but the kind with SHITLOADS OF SPIKES on it that has to be wrapped up in bubble wrap lest ye kill someone with it.

As he's showing it to the people he's with (I find it hard to say 'friends' here) he goes:

"They gave me $50 off this because I was already wearing two of their swords."


And, scene.

Then some jousting happened and there was blood and yelling and then we got the Hell out of there because, you know, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE PIRATES WITH MACES HERE.

Screweth that shit.

Moog outeth.

28 comments: said...

Nothing like a fun day at the faire to show your kids how much you love them! But I must say... this entire post went by without any mention of a codpiece? I'm so disillusioned!

Dazee Dreamer said...

that was some fair. seriously, I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard.

Lou said...

"I'm pretty sure Matthew Broderick feels like doing this every single morning when he wakes up and rolls over."

So much win!

Probably like that scene from "The Godfather" but without all the blood.

Tara said...

If you didn't say New England, I'd swear you were at the same festival I was this weekend.... Fucking weirdos....

Unknown said...

Only in America.... Love it

Jessica said...

You bitch and moan about all the fucking freaks, but you chose to attend, too.

I still love you. Fucking freak.

Anonymous said...

Am I freak for snorting so much after reading this post?

Damn, you make me laugh.

And *meow* for the Broderick remark. You're just jealous, right?



hee hee

pattypunker said...

i'm pretty sure the renaissance fair is a fetish fest for nerds. i mean chain maille is some serious S&M gear.

and i literally did lol at that matthew broderick line.

Ann said...

The other New England Renaissance fairs aren't boobfests. That is the one you go to to see the boobies. (the hangin off the chest variety, and the only comes out of mom's basement for this variety)

It's just good clean family fun. *cough*

Kelly said...

Hands down, Renaissance Faires provide the best venue for people watching, pointing and laughing and oodles of blog fodder. And people dressed in costumes that have absolutely nothing to do with the Renaissance period. It's awesome.

Brutalism said...

According to a friend of mine who is currently dating, these photos are a pretty good representation of what shows up on the coffee dates she arranges.

Unrelated: I miss the comic genius of Gallagher.

Unknown said...

Me thinks a Goodtime was has by all; that would be Maiden Sarah Goodtime with the boobies hanging out in that first photo!

Moooooog35 said...

CatLady: DID until YOU said it.

Way to go.

Dazee: Me too. Awkward.

Lou: I don't know how he COULDN'T feel this way.


Tara: I know.

What were you wearing?

Luke: How can this only be in America? We're dressed like old English people.

The Hell?

Jessica: POTTY MOUTH!!

Quirky: Yes. It's jealousy. With a hint of nausea.

Patty: And you know this about the S&M gear how?

Ann: You've just outlined exactly why this is the ONLY fair in New England I go to.

Kelly: I agree. Although it is very very expensive..eth.

Brutalism: Next year when I go, I will be sure to tell Gallagher that.

Eva: HA. Nice one, Eva!

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

Don't you know when someone asks you to take a picture for them you should always turn the camera around and take a self portrait with their camera?

THe Velvet Asshat is married. This proves there is someone out there for everyone.....or he's married to a sex doll (who I assume is waiting for him in the car)

Pat said...

I haven't been to one of these in years. I hate that they ask for volunteers from the group. That's when my husband always is pointing so that they choose me. Yeah. I know. I married the guy.

Sunny said...

Mostly what I know of our current Ren-Fest here in KC is I start sneezing when they start advertising it. Ragweed seems to appear at the exact same moment.

I went about 10 years ago and the only thing I could afford was a carmel apple, which I had to share. It was like $12.00 for a turkey leg or $6.00 for lemonade, so we left starving and thirsty.

I'm also one of those, "don't get in my space" kind of people and the freaks they hire always invade my space. I watched as a large woman, largely dressed came walking by with her entourage and the crowd was told to bow to the queen. I was all, "fuck that" and I got the evil eye. They hire me some day because I could very well have got all medieval on his ass.

Didactic Pirate said...

That's it. I'm wearing velvet pants to work tomorrow. I predict a TON of respect from my students.

I only wish I had the medieval Reeboks too.

Moooooog35 said...

Cul: You're right. His wife sat down next to him.

Trust me when I tell you that they were meant for each other.

Pat: And yet you haven't learned to point at him first?

Ren: I spent like 200 bucks-eth there. Crazy shit-eth.

Didactic: And this is different from..when?


all i can think about is how long it must have taken you to cut that mace thingy out. but then i am like, he is a super computer dork so it prob took like 2 seconds.

sorry. i feel like your computer dorkness has infected me.

Unknown said...

Moogeth, way to traumatize your kids! Why were you not wearing tights? What the hell. I was wanting to see a pic of you wearing tights. Get back to me on that one.

Tom G. said...

Now I know what became of all those kids in the drama club. I hope you got out of there before they linked arms and sang Bette Midler's "The Rose".

Andygirl said...

huzzah! *ahem* found you through studio30+. loving your blog. you, good sir, have a new follower.

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, King Richard's faire, only 20 minutes from my castle. I like to dress up all in black, with a t-shirt that says "The Black Plague" and then go around touching people.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Velvet is probably the worst feeling fabric...unless he's into kinky shit and wears them inside out so the nape is rubbing the wrong way on his balls which is why he probably swallowed his teeth.

Any way teeth are overrated.

Here is your next Ren Faire "OUTFIT"

JD at I Do Things said...

But did you have a giant turkey leg?

I love the fact that you were taking stealth photos of geeks. I'm glad you didn't get maced. No kid needs to see their father get maced by a geek.

Unknown said...

Ick. Double ick. I don't know what's ickier - eyelid pulling or men in velvet tights.

Who am I kidding? The tights are far ickier.

(Icked out) Tricia
Confessions of a Recovering Cynic

meleah rebeccah said...

"I'm not so sure you can trust the mental stability of any asshole who dresses like this on a Saturday."

Me either! And that's precisely why I refuse to go to these sort of events!

lostmymarble said...

I know I'm a bit late to comment, but I just found your blog today... I used to attend King Richard's Faire a lot; by attend I mean, stood in the beer line all day getting hammered and then watch the joust. I went this year sober, and left before the joust...

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