Typhoid Mary is a Frequent Flier | Mental Poo

Monday, October 11, 2010

Typhoid Mary is a Frequent Flier


The following is a true story of something that happened to me on an airplane.

I really, really, really wish it wasn't.

But then again...this is pretty much how my friggin' life goes.

God hates me so much.

(click to enlarge images)

THE SCENE:

I'm sitting in my seat on the plane...when just then...



Alas, this is not a 'mile high club' story.

Remember:

GOD HATES ME.


YAY FOR ME!

Because nothing says 'have an awesome flight' more than sitting next to a person shooting phlegm everywhere.




Yes. As I glance over, I notice that this woman's face is literally covered with big raw red splotches.

Um.

Ew.



GAH.

It's like I'm sitting next to supermodel but instead of a supermodel it's an unattractive woman who can't stop coughing and sniffling and is covered in these friggin' lesions and open sores.

So, you know, maybe not like a supermodel at all.

Excellent.

OH..what's she doing?


Because when someone sitting next to you takes out their laptop there is NO PHYSICAL WAY you can avert your eyes even if it's gay porn.

Don't ask me how I know that.

For those of you wondering, YES, the airplane DID have wireless Internet access which I find weird because they make YOU shut all your shit off but they can run whatever they want and now my head hurts from thinking about it.

Oh.

She just went to Africa! How fun!

Um...

She just went to Africa?


FUCK.



The following Google search was primarily seen by me in slow motion.

Kind of like watching your life flash before you but instead of your life it's a Google search.

Man. My analogies suck today.

Let's see what she's Googling...



Typhoid Fever.

*cricket

It was on or around this time that I seriously just wanted the plane to nosedive into something.

The Sea. A Building. Bermuda Triangle. Sarah Jessica Parker. SOMETHING.

But it didn't.

So now I probably have Typhoid Fever which I contracted from my coach seat while sitting next to sniffly-coughy-typhoid-rash-woman on the damn airplane.

Because God hates me.

Told you.

32 comments:

A Vapid Blonde said...

Now I am sneezing. You bastard. If I've I caught this from yuo I will be so pissed!

Hamlet's Mistress said...

If it makes you feel better coughing and a rash are not symptoms of Typhoid Fever. But which is worse? The devil you know or the devil you don't?

Oh, and AVB... neither is sneezing. :)

WILLIAM said...

I like Typhoid Mary's boobs.

Elly Lou said...

You probably should have had sex with her anyway since I think you treat typhoid fever with the same drugs you use on syphilis.

Eva Gallant said...

Only you would sit next to Typhoid Mary.....good luck with your recovery. Actually, the pink spots may match your hamster cage!

Dorn said...

Seriously should have turned it into a Mile High Story. At least you would have had something good happen before you die.

Fred Miller said...

I know a priest who got typhoid fever in Africa. The cannibals were afraid to eat him. So he led them to Christ, glory to God.

I'm your newest subscriber. This looks good.

A Few Inappropriate Words

Coffeypot said...

So..are you two dating now?

Ed said...

Maybe it's a good thing it WASN'T a Mile High story.

Christina_the_wench said...

Should we all be wearing masks and calling the CDC about now? (looks around for hand sanitizer)

Pat said...

I take it this was a discount flight. The flight with healthy people was double the cost.

Moooooog35 said...

Vapid: Be on the lookout for open sores.

Well..MORE open sores than usual.

Hamlet: I'm afraid to ask how you know this.

William: I'm nothing if not an excellent boob drawer.

Elly: DAMN YOU, HINDSIGHT!

Eva: Yes. And that's what I was going for...a matching death sentence.

Dorn: Nothing good happens on a plane for me.

My luck, I would have somehow been sucked into the toilet.

Fred: There are cannibals in Africa?

More importantly...GOD LIVES THERE, TOO?!

Coffey: It's complicated.

Ed: Truer words were never spoken.

Christina: Why? Do you want chicken?

OH. CDC. Thought you said 'KFC.'

I want chicken.

Pat: God..airlines screw you even on viruses.

Miss Yvonne said...

Heh. Sarah Jessica Parker. I kind of wish that had happened. You would have become a hero for saving the world from another Sex and the City movie.

Also? I bet I totally know where those sores on her knees came from and it's totally not typhoid fever.

Rachele said...

Ew. I'm never flying again. Too close and too scabby..I mean scary. Thanks for the heads up.

Meeko Fabulous said...

oh my god . . . i'm so sorry you had to go through this . . . but at the same time . . . thanks for giving me the best laugh of the day! :)

Jenny DB said...

I'm sorry, i hope you don't have typhoid fever... but WOW. this just made my monday.

injaynesworld said...

Yet another reason you cannot drag my ass onto an airplane (aside from the cavity search at security).

Malach the Merciless said...

So where does the sex in the airplane bathroom come in?

Didactic Pirate said...

This is why I prefer not to leave the house. Too many people with open lesions just wandering around the city, like they OWN it.

Damn them.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I would think that nosediving into Sarah Jessica Parker would be WAY worse than contracting Typhoid Fever on a plane.

I'm just sayin'...

Brutalism said...

I was once on a plane coming back from Vegas surrounded by gassy, hungover fraternity guys. (I say that like there are any other kind of fraternity guys...)

I feel your pain, my brother in the struggle.

rwwells said...

Looking over your Google search I was surprised not to see Typhoid Fever Mental Poo!

Paige said...

typhoid fever smoothies?!?!?

Grace Matthews said...

What is even more hilarious is that she probably knew you were watching her so she did that search just to fuck with you!!! I know that's what I would have done :)

Moooooog35 said...

Yvonne: I wish that would have happened, too. Totally would have taken one for the team, there.

Rachele: It's why I'm here.

That, and to give you girls eye candy.

Meeko: You're welcome. I'm glad my pain brings you comfort.

Jenny: What do I win?!?!?

injaynesworld: Right. Like it's not the cavity search that's getting you to rack up the frequent flier miles.

Malach: Are you propositioning me? Again?

Didactic: THERE ARE LEGIONS?

Oh. Lesions. Nevermind.

JJ: God, I can't imagine that coming at me at 500 miles per hour.

Brutalism: So it WAS you!

rwwells: Well..I'm sure you'll see it now.

Paige: Worst. Smoothie. Ever.

Grace: What is up with you women and your typhoid fever torture rituals?!

The Barreness said...

You see? This is why atheism rocks so hard.

God may or may not hate me, ut probably doesn;t see the sense in proving either as I wouldn't believe it anyway.

Unless, of course, my boobs looked like your little drawing.

I might have to have a chat with God then.

- B x

meleah rebeccah said...

Yikes! That's horrifying!

mepsipax said...

Ha bitch you should have sprung for first class. Die with the peasants....worst thing that happens to me is the embolism from controlling my anger.

Peace!...with 2 fingers ;) said...

that's craaaaaazy!...sheeesh!!!

AmberLaShell said...

This was really funny!

check out my blog @ amberlashell.com

CatLadyLarew said...

Yeah... good luck with that. I feel a rash coming on just from reading this.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Uhm..Ebola maybe? I think you maybe minimizing it by saying its typhoid. Ebola shakes? yes no?

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