Hitting the Shiny Blue Spot | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Hitting the Shiny Blue Spot


Dear Scrubbing Bubbles,

Please put a disclaimer on your "Toilet Gel" product that says:

Not recommended for use in households where males are present.

Thanks in advance.

* Disgruntled customer cleaning up piss all over his fucking bathroom


***********************
* not a paid endorsement

Let me explain.

Scrubbing Bubbles makes these little gel toilet things that you stick to the inside of your toilets in an attempt to keep these things clean in there which I'm not sure how that works exactly because there's NO WAY a tiny little blob of blue gel is going to stand up to the aftermath of a burrito dinner especially if I've had a cerveza (Spanish for "minimum wage").

It's like David fighting Goliath except instead of a stone David has a little blob of toilet gel and Goliath is an enormous pile of shit.

Worst. Analogy. Ever.


The instructions say:

"Simply use the dispenser to stamp a gel disc onto the inside of your toilet bowl. The discreet gel disc sits just under the rim."


UNDER. THE. RIM.

This is important, people.

Because the problem here is that Scrubbing Bubbles has neglected to take into consideration that these things may be used in houses where there are males present.

And any male will tell you this:

If there's something in the toilet, it automatically becomes A TARGET.


A guy needing to shoot at stuff in the toilet with his piss stream is as ingrained in his DNA as jerking off or wanting to bang Jessica Alba or jerking off while thinking of banging Jessica Alba or wanting Jessica Alba to jerk you off or (insert some other combination here) or laughing at farts.

How do parents potty train their sons?

They throw Cheerios and shit in the bowl and make the kid AIM FOR THEM.


So what happens later in life when a guy walks up to a urinal and there's a booger stuck on it?

He tries to shoot it down.

BAM! KAPOW!

Men are hunters.

This is true even when the hunter has just had three cups of coffee and is holding his penis.

GENES, people. It's IN OUR GENES.

So, Scrubbing Bubbles, when you have someone stick one of these fucking things under the rim...

..this is what happens:



So now, instead of just aiming for the water where nothing is floating there and focusing on the hole in the bottom (that's what she said) my son and I find ourselves fixated on this shiny blue gel thing sitting an inch from the top of the toilet and although I have been peeing professionally for about 40 years or so and have the aim of an Army Sniper (I could kill Osama with a four-cup-of-coffee piss shot, trust me) my son has NOT had so much practice so this is pretty much what happens:


It's like a can of silly string exploded in there except instead of silly string OMG IT IS URINE EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCK and now what was supposed to be a nice shiny sparkly toilet has turned into an afternoon of repainting the bathroom and trying to get pee out of the tile grout.

Awesome.

So thank you, Scrubbing Bubbles...but no thank you.

I'll stick with the Ty-D Bowl man.

At least we can aim for that guy.

Hunters people. Men are hunters.

44 comments:

Vinny C said...

Now that I have been sensitized to the existence of toilet targets, I feel there is hope in the world again. Thank you, Moooooog! Thank you.

Simple Dude said...

I'm going to arrange a naval battle in my toilet using those targets and some Chex this weekend. Wish me luck.

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well now every time I see one of those little stick on things in a toilet I'm going to think of Mooooog pee, thanks a lot. I wonder if a lady sitting on a toilet, like say, me, hit the stick-on with a hot, fast shot of pee - let's say for the sake of argument, after several Coronas - it would ricochet off the stick-on and go right back up her pee hole? I don't plan on testing this, but it's got me curious. Plus what if it went back up the WRONG hole, that would be nasty. But something a classy lady like myself must now think about regardless.

Eva Gallant said...

Let me warn you now.....as you age your aim worsens! Or maybe it's a result of declining eyesight. In any case, you'll need to stick some of those blue things all over your bathroom!

Ed said...

He's never going to learn if you don't let him practice.

Not everyone if blessed with enormous length, like ME, which make those shots pointblank.

Let the boy have his fun. Then make HIM clean up afterwards. That will make him improve his aim.

Rahul said...

I definitely bought some scrubbing bubbles once and then proceeded to try to shoot it off like you said.

Let's just say the bathroom has a new urine potpourri.Maybe your son is my son. Are we related?

SherilinR said...

that's HILARIOUS! i have no sons & my husband seems to be a competent pee-er, but i'm a house cleaner in a house w/ 3 boys/men & they use those stupid gel things & now i can understand why instead of their bathrooms smelling better, they smell way worse! thank you so much for clearing that mystery up for me!

SherilinR said...

oh and also, is it just me, or is there a cell phone in the bottom of that toilet w/ the carrot top heads?

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm soooooooooooooo glad I'm a girl!

Elly Lou said...

Now I have to scrub my bathroom after straddling my toilet to see if I could aim my lady bits at the rim of my toilet. Also? I have to bathe the cat. And that's not a euphemism. I peed on the cat.

Knight said...

You have to teach boys young that if they are going to piss all over the bathroom they have to clean it up themselves. The beast I sleep with tends to piss all over the bathroom wall due to "after sex" urination. He seems to think I will clean it up. Instead I rub his face in it like a dog screaming "BAD! BAD BOY!". Then the process repeats.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. that was the funniest post ever. fuck, my stomach hurts from laughing.

Jessica said...

That reminds me, I need to take my birth control pill.

Mike said...

If I was a young child and saw carrot top floating in the toilet, I'd run away and come back with my fathers shotgun.

Just saying.

Ann said...

Well this post was making me feel all superior about being a girl and being above such things...then I read the comments.

You still made me laugh till I...never mind.

Miss Yvonne said...

If I used these things at my house, I'd have to stick them to the base of the toilet. Get it? Because my husband always pees on the floor for some reason! Ha! Hilarious!

Kage said...

why, oh WHY are so many of your posts about pissing on things?!?!

i like it.

Becky..AMHW said...

Now you know how I potty trained my boys. I made use of targets. Not those shitty prefab ones either but a proper rubber ducky. Good friend to become shitfaced with.

My husband found THIS during his constutional one day. He kept his aim.

00dozo said...

Apparently your son has read your posts about pissing upon urinal pucks.

But you've got to admit that the "Scrubbing Bubbles" guys are kinda cute, no?
;-)

Coffeypot said...

It’s okay, dude. That’s how we also mark our territory. There are no females (except your daughter) and the seat can stay up so as not to get wet. So mark away. It keeps the women from wanting to stay around and ruing your bachelorhood.

Life in the mom lane said...

OMG *still laughing* that is too funny.... *wiping away a tear* YOU MADE MY DAY.... :D

Mrsblogalot said...

Sheesh...men, like a great big white, gaping hole is not enough to aim for...

Um, I meant the toliet...

Malach the Merciless said...

That is why I put the blue tab in the tank, and not on the bowl

LivingDeadNurse said...

muahaha hilarious. Sad part is i could definately see my man doing that and him looking at me like what?

pengboo said...

I had to scroll back up to see if there was a cell phone in the bowl with Carrot Top. I see it too! Is this what happens when men try to aim and talk on the phone at the same time?

Vodka Logic said...

Since my husband is the only male in the house he has been well trained by the three females not to do such things as miss the bowl. [he always lowers the seat too]

But.. I may resist those "targets" as I don't want to give him any ideas and his sight is failing.

You should post this as a public service announcement

Moooooog35 said...

Vinny: You're welcome.

Please make a donation to my favorite charity, me, buy buying a mug goddammit!

Simple Dude: Try cocoa puffs..that way, if you forget to flush, you get the extra 'humor' factor

Veggie: Wait. You don't think 'moooooog pee' already?

Eva: That's what the shower is for. Duh.

Ed: Water cold today?

Rahul: Yes. I am your long lost caucasian Canadian/French brother!

Mahalo!

Sherilin: Yeah. Pretty sure that's a phone.

It happens.

JJ: So are all the men having sex with you!

Elly Lou: you sound hot.

Knight: whoa whoa whoa.

You have sex? And yet I have no pictures in my inbox?

FAIL.

Dazee: awww. *blushes

Jessica: ..and then go lesbian. Don't forget that.

Mike: FYI, that kind of defeats the purpose.

Ann: hahaha. 'superior about being a girl.' That was cute.

Yvonne: mmmmm. crusty!

Kage: Really? I may have to do a tally.

Becky: I think the Christopher Walken picture would scare me enough to hold it til I got to work, actually.

00dozo: Um. They're SOAP.

Coffey: I'm putting on my warpaint now...

Life in the mom: nothing like telling a guy his story about urinating makes your day.

Mrsblogalot: um..

IT'S WHITE?!

Malach: Well, HINDSIGHT.

LivingDead: Your guy looks at you?

Weird.

pengboo: I know. Usually it's just my toothbrush.

Vodka: or 'clip n save' maybe?

Maundering mutterer said...

Oh man. I'm in stitches here. No I didn't smash my 'puter screen in fury and end up with multiple contusions - I mean the laughing sort of stitches.

Opto-Mom said...

Maybe he could use this as a science fair experiment. Like which toilet product causes the most splashback when peed upon. He could do measurements of the splashed pee distances and everything. It would be very scientific!

The Barreness said...

So it's a reflex action?

You lot just can't HELP yourselves?

Like jerking your leg upward when tapped on the knee or laughing at Jimmy Carr's "what's yellow and dangerous" joke? *

Seriously, how HAVE men run the world for the last several centuries?

- B x

*Okay the JC joke is actually awesome, but dudes always laugh way harder than chicks do. 'Cet for me, but I'm kind of a sick-o.

The Empress said...

OH MY GOSH! You're right!

I can't believe I didn't figure out that's why piss is all over my bathroom.

I though, "who the heck is having the seizure in here?"

I have 3 sons, one husband, and housefull of piss.

pattypunker said...

what a pisser!

also, men's coffee shots may be awesome, but your beer shots only have firepower, the aim leaves much to be desired.

Nicole said...

This illustrates why I want a penis for a day. Not for sex, for pissing games.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Man am I glad I don't live with a guy. Yuck! lol

Boom Boom Larew said...

Damn, it's hard being you! So much to aim at, so little time!

Shawn said...

It's all a ploy from Scrubbing Bubbles to get you to buy the Urine Floor Cleanser.

Daffy said...

I don't think you have to be male to find interest in toilet targets. Women pee standing up all the time. Especially those of us who have issue with public restrooms. I've quite a skill now...I'd challenge you to target practice any day

ClevelandPoet said...

I would pretend that the remains of the cigarettes my dad threw in the toilet were enemy warships and on more than one occasion I pretended that they were the US Ship attacked at Pearl Harbor

yeah I was a messed up kid.

I probably shouldn't have relayed this info...

A Vapid Blonde said...

Why the hell am I always the last to comment here? Really RODNEY, I need advance notice.

If Carrot Top lived in my toilet. I. Would. Never. Pee. Or Poo. If I pooed in the first place.

AND We have a Mr. Hanky on our tree. It's here http://www.avapidblonde.com/?p=1047

xoxo!

meleah rebeccah said...

HA! I totally potty-trained my son by using Cheerios as targets.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Yes, he is. lol!

BadLarry said...

The Barreness said...

Seriously, how HAVE men run the world for the last several centuries?


I wish I could tell you really I do. But at the last meeting the other guys warned me not to let any women know our secrets after I accidentally told my girlfriend why we really wait to fart until we're around women.

(P.S. Because it's really funny. I swear some of the faces you girls make are priceless.)

Anonymous said...

To all the ladies complaining about the occasional sprinkle.

Quit acting all high and mighty about not pissing outside the toilet.

You're firing from point blank range of course you're gonna hit the target. Try and do it standing up aiming a fleshy hose once and see how good your aim is then.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I use those gel things, and thought they were working great....until the other resident of this house (coincidentally a male) complained about it. hmmmm. Maybe I'll have to try another strategy for the "boys" bathroom.

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