Dear Scrubbing Bubbles,
Please put a disclaimer on your "Toilet Gel" product that says:
Not recommended for use in households where males are present.
Thanks in advance.
* Disgruntled customer cleaning up piss all over his fucking bathroom
* not a paid endorsement
Let me explain.
Scrubbing Bubbles makes these little gel toilet things that you stick to the inside of your toilets in an attempt to keep these things clean in there which I'm not sure how that works exactly because there's NO WAY a tiny little blob of blue gel is going to stand up to the aftermath of a burrito dinner especially if I've had a cerveza (Spanish for "minimum wage").
It's like David fighting Goliath except instead of a stone David has a little blob of toilet gel and Goliath is an enormous pile of shit.
Worst. Analogy. Ever.
The instructions say:
"Simply use the dispenser to stamp a gel disc onto the inside of your toilet bowl. The discreet gel disc sits just under the rim."
UNDER. THE. RIM.
This is important, people.
Because the problem here is that Scrubbing Bubbles has neglected to take into consideration that these things may be used in houses where there are males present.
And any male will tell you this:
If there's something in the toilet, it automatically becomes A TARGET.
A guy needing to shoot at stuff in the toilet with his piss stream is as ingrained in his DNA as jerking off or wanting to bang Jessica Alba or jerking off while thinking of banging Jessica Alba or wanting Jessica Alba to jerk you off or (insert some other combination here) or laughing at farts.
How do parents potty train their sons?
They throw Cheerios and shit in the bowl and make the kid AIM FOR THEM.
So what happens later in life when a guy walks up to a urinal and there's a booger stuck on it?
He tries to shoot it down.
Men are hunters.
This is true even when the hunter has just had three cups of coffee and is holding his penis.
GENES, people. It's IN OUR GENES.
So, Scrubbing Bubbles, when you have someone stick one of these fucking things under the rim...
..this is what happens:
So now, instead of just aiming for the water where nothing is floating there and focusing on the hole in the bottom (that's what she said) my son and I find ourselves fixated on this shiny blue gel thing sitting an inch from the top of the toilet and although I have been peeing professionally for about 40 years or so and have the aim of an Army Sniper (I could kill Osama with a four-cup-of-coffee piss shot, trust me) my son has NOT had so much practice so this is pretty much what happens:
It's like a can of silly string exploded in there except instead of silly string OMG IT IS URINE EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCK and now what was supposed to be a nice shiny sparkly toilet has turned into an afternoon of repainting the bathroom and trying to get pee out of the tile grout.
So thank you, Scrubbing Bubbles...but no thank you.
I'll stick with the Ty-D Bowl man.
At least we can aim for that guy.
Hunters people. Men are hunters.