You say "Toboggan," I say "JUMP!" | Mental Poo

Monday, January 03, 2011

You say "Toboggan," I say "JUMP!"

When I was a kid I used to go to my grandmother's house and would summarily be bored to tears because, well, IT'S MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE and you can only play with her chihuahuas so much before you tire of them.

That is not a euphemism.



One winter when I was about 8 or so I was faced with the prospect of going back to the tourist attraction known as "Grandma's House of Boredom." Out of desperation I asked my friend, Ed, to come with me and for some reason he actually did.

How I tricked him into coming with me I don't remember but I can only imagine it involved the promises of candy and chihuahuas and Legos and strippers and shit.

Imagine his disappointment when there was NO CANDY OR LEGOS and the only stripper that showed up was my gay cousin and I'm pretty sure he only did private shows.



Regardless, it was winter and since this is New England there was approximately 14 feet of snow so Ed and I started to go outside to play (read: pelt each other with iceballs until we bled from the eyes) when my mother piped in:

Mom: "Rod. Why don't you go down to your cousin's house and get her toboggan and go sledding?"

DONE.



My cousin (not the gay one) lived four or five houses down so Ed and I wandered down, flung open the garage door and..

..there..

..it..

was.

Hung on the wall was a brand new toboggan.

For those of you who live in warmer climates and are unfamiliar with what a toboggan is let me tell you that a toboggan is like a normal snow sled that you hop on while at the top of a snowy slope and glide down gently.



The difference here is that unlike a regular sled, a toboggan doesn't know the terms "glide" or "gently" or "stop" and getting on one can only be described like a scene from the bridge in Star Trek where they kick it into hyperdrive and stars and shit fly by and the next thing you know you're in the Gamma Quadrant and how the fuck did I get here so fast?

THAT. Is a toboggan.



So Ed and I grabbed the toboggan and headed back to my grandma's house which was perched atop Mt. Everest and at the bottom of the slope was a really really long field and then, like, a mile away was woods and maybe some sherpas or shit.

No problem.



Ed hopped on the front and me being a giant fat shit of a kid hopped on the back and with a SWOOSH we were rushing down the slope.

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

We were giddy! We were flying!



"HAHAHA"

Like..like flying like REALLY FUCKING FAST kind of flying.

"Ha. ha?"

For some reason it turns out this toboggan was probably built by the KY Jelly company because having the bottom completely coated in lube is the only explanation I have for this thing ACCELERATING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL WTF HOW ARE WE GOING FASTER?!



Ed: "ROD!!"

Ed was trying to get my attention but I'm pretty sure my eyelids at this point had peeled all the way back and my mouth was open and filling with mounds of air at such a rapid pace that I have no idea how this produced no drag to slow us down at all.



Faster. We were flat now...speeding along...and not slowing down. I almost didn't even acknowledge the noise when we broke the sound barrier.

Ed: "ROD! JUMP! JUMP JUMP JUMPJUMPJUMP!"

I couldn't jump because I was fat and frozen in fear because those woods I was talking about earlier? Yeah. Those woods were coming at us faster than John Goodman at a buffet table when they put down more chicken.



Ed: "JUMP!!"

It was no use. Even if I HAD managed to jump I'm pretty sure that the force of the snow impacted with my gelatinous body going slightly less than the speed of light would have caused some type of catastrophe.

Years from now scientists are going to discover that the real reason the dinosaurs are extinct is because they went tobogganing down at my grandma's house and a Stegosaurus tried to make a break for it.



Every time I blinked the woods were 100 feet closer. It was like I had a strobe light on but instead of a strobe light it was my own mortality.

Then it happened.

You know the scene in "Speed" where the bus is about to hit the gap in the bridge and then it miraculously JUMPS and there was no jump so HOW THE FUCK DID THE BUS JUMP?!

People. I'm here to tell you that, yes...

The bus can jump.

Because we did.



As we hit the edge of the woods at some blistering speed, the toboggan LAUNCHED.

We flew through the air...the toboggan and Ed and I flying through the woods like we had Ewoks with us but no lasers but maybe there were I have no idea because my eyes were squished so tight that I'm pretty sure I turned inside out.


Then..

BAM.

Done.

We hit a tree.

How I am alive today I have no idea but I remember the impact of the toboggan hitting the tree and then me hitting the back of Ed and then all of us hitting the ground and then..um..

OH FUCK.

The toboggan..in all it's brand new shiny slick buttery goodness was fucking MANGLED beyond all recognition.

woops.



Ed and I kind of sat there for a bit and then grabbed the toboggan's leash and dragged it and our sorry asses, cut and bruised and - for some reason - laughing back across the field and up Mt. Everest and down the street and back to my cousin's house.

Where we hung it's broken busted shattered hull right back where we found it.

Then we left.





Yep. We left.

And didn't say a word.

TO ANYONE.

I still can't imagine my cousin going to get her shiny new oak toboggan and opening up the garage door and looking at these pieces of broken busted timber amidst, like, bits of flesh and sinew and just going:

"Whatthefuck?!"

Sorry, cousin. You probably would have enjoyed that thing.

Fucker was fast.

47 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Toboggans are badass. My granddad made me one as a kid, from some old wood and some rusty metal. It was like the toboggan of DEATH. It carried about five kids at once and did about 300MPH on an incline with no steering abilities whatsoever. I loved that thing and have the scars to prove it. When no toboggan was handy though, I liked to steal kitchen trays and slide down mountainous slopes on my belly for kicks. There didn't even have to be snow! I was a bit odd now I think about it. However, I sadly didn't have a gay cousin who stripped. I feel somewhat deprived.

Those are some prime quality illustrations, man. You might have outshone yourself!

amydpp said...

It lived a good life and died doing what it loved. A moment of silence, please.

Boonie S said...

This gave me a jolly good snortle. Thanks for this.

All the 'bogganing best to you, Boonie

Rabbit ૐ said...

WE didn't hava a toboggan when I was young. No... Our coonasses thought it would be brilliant to ties the hood of a VW bug to the back of my (not gay) cousins truck and go wildin' out.

Clothesline doesn't hold hoods slinging about on ice.

We sailed through a fence. Caused a wreck. And took out a cow...

This could be a blog in and of itself....

ryoko861 said...

ROFLMAO!!

My son and I were just hysterical! This was hilarious! Thanks for making my morning!

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAAAA!!! Good thing that illegal kid had a fast way out!

Wussy kids today with their lame ass sleds and plastic saucers.

You really need your own show btw.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. I can't laugh that hard while drinking really hot coffee.

You have just given my day a great start.

LilPixi said...

Man, now I can't illustrate a classic past sledding story of a friend like I was going to because I'll look like a rip off.
....I still might anyways. :p

GOOD stuff!! Boys will be boys, and destroy toboggans. Haha

MommaKiss said...

What I'm really seeing is that you like to be in the back. Of Ed.

Hope you enjoyed that.

Ed said...

DUDE! I totally remember that!

EPIC!

I'm still pissed about the no strippers thing.

But letting me bone your non-gay cousin made up for it.

Greg said...

No way can you go tobogganing unless there is a forest at the bottom of the hill.

We used to go on this hill in western New York that had a small dried out stream at the bottom, and directly behind it a small forest.

your post brought back great memories, and man did I laugh my ass off, love your pictures.

Boom Boom Larew said...

You captured the art of tobogganing perfectly, Moooooog. Good times! Good times!

Life in the mom lane said...

The only thing better than a toboggan was when we used the trays from the cafeteria (while drunk) and "prepared" them by putting baby oil all over the bottom...I am amazed we lived thru it...

Life in the mom lane said...

this was during college... *should have prefaced it with that *key* fact. We were fearless then-

and stupid.

Vinny C said...

Now I want snow so I can almost die riding one.

SisterMerryHellish said...

Hahaha! You made me snort with laughter...at work... I'm pretty sure there's going to be hell to pay for it, but it was worth it!

Coffeypot said...

What's snow?

Eva Gallant said...

Great story! I remember toboganning as a kid, too. I remember losing control on frozen snow and rolling off, just as we went under a barbed wire fence and my snowsuit being badly ripped. Lucky it was thick!

justussteel said...

great post man. entertaining as hell.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Ah, sledding/tobogganing. How any of us made it out alive is one of the world's great mysteries.

Thanks for the Princess Leia picture. My favorite Star Wars moment.

Use the force Luke, indeed.

Wait, she's his sister . . .

ClevelandPoet said...

grew up in Florida so no tobogganinginginginging for me but my dad did make this really long "slip in slide" and I dont know what else he put on it other than dish soap (whyy??) and it almost always ended with someone hitting a fence.

perhaps ewoks (now flattened) cushioned your impact?

pattypunker said...

"faster than John Goodman at a buffet table when they put down more chicken" bwahahaha! best analogy ever. a similar scenario happened to me on a skateboard. fucking frightening!

Moooooog35 said...

Veggie: ..um..I suppose that explains why the cookies tasted like sweat and childhood.

Amy: Thanks be to Rod.

Bonnie: Congrats on being the first person to ever say 'jolly good snortle' here.

Rabbit: You know what they say: "It's all fun and games until someone takes out a cow."

Ryoko: You're welcome. Go buy a mug.

Mrsblogalot: If you could get on the publicity wagon for me, I'd appreciate it.

Dazee: Aww. *blushes

LilPixi: You can write it..but it can't have me or my friend Ed in it.

Unless there's nudity.

Then just me.

Momma: Like you don't know how I like it.

Ed: mmhmmm. non-gay. sure.

Greg: streams are meant for sailing across on toboggans.

I'm pretty sure that's a quote from Walt Whitman.

Life in the mom: you college kids and your baby oil stories.

Vinny: it's a joy you cannot believe.

Sister: snort or snortle? because I made Bonnie snortle.

Coffey: jerk.

Eva: where the Hell did you live? Auschwitz?

justussteel: thank you. send money.

Chris: If I was Luke, I think I'd still nail her.

Cleveland: WE HAD EWOKS?!

Pattypunker: wait. you saw John Goodman skateboarding?

Narm said...

This totally reminds me of this time in college.

Except instead of ruining someone's toboggan, I took a huge dump in their toilet. Then left without flushing and watched everyone in the party secretly whisper about who had taken the phantom dump.

My story isn't really related to yours but I think it is funny.

twin said...

is it weird that i heard ralphie parker narrating your entire post...?

Daffy said...

....sucks that you busted your wood. I was gonna ask if you still give rides on your toboggan?

Kage said...

i also wanted to say something about your busted wood.

DAMN YOU, DAFFY!!!!! ;)

mmmmm. wood.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My grandma lived 3000 miles away in Connecticut...thank God!

One Cluttered Brain said...

ROFL!
Oh my.
At least the toboggan had one good ride before she bit the dust.
Holy Moly can you tell a story.
And the pictures....
I'm glad I put my depends on BEFORE this post....
You.Are.Funny.
Hand down.

Jen said...

Toboggans are scary motherfuckers. We used to slide down interstate 35E before they finished it and damn if some kid didn't get his ass ripped wide open when he slid across some piece of rebar sticking out of the ground. He was on one of those plastic sleds, or maybe it was a cafeteria tray, but it wasn't a toboggan.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahhaha! AHAHHAHAHHA!

I can't even type a comment right now because I am laughing sofa king much! AHAHHAHAHahhahHHAhAHahhAHHHAHAHHAHah

*grabs asthma inhaler*

Black Cat said...

I'm laffing and laffing! Your illustrations rock!

andygirl said...

I grew up in a desert. so the only things to do year-round were go off-roading or meth. funny that I never did either.

think you cousin figured out what happebed to the brand new toboggan?

also: what the hell happened to Leia's stomach? looks like Jabba may have eaten it.

unmitigated me said...

Who the hell names their kid "Rod" on purpose?

Jessica said...

Mooogy, this is hilarious! Some of your best artwork, too!

It "snowed" over Christmas, meaning the redneck weather jackass said the temperature was going to dip below 40°F. When it actually "snowed" (a dusting on higher elevations) (for like 15 minutes) I laughed and laughed at the hicks stocking up on bread and milk to survive the apocalypse.

All fun and games until the neighborhood youngins brought out a beautiful toboggan and proceeded to destroy it by riding it down the middle of the street (on the "snow").

Fucking Carolinas.

Moooooog35 said...

Narm: Dude. Phantom dumps are always funny. Feel free to copy this into every one of your comments from this point forward.

twin: ooooh. adds class, doesn't it?

Daffy: it still works well enough.

Hop on.

Kage: it ain't busted. you and daffy want to ride together?

JJ: you don't know what you're missing!! Well..except the death part.

One Cluttered: man..if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. The 'one good ride,' thing I mean.

Jen: it doesn't count if it wasn't a death sled.

Meleah: you SURE you don't want me to fly out there so you can live out one of your fantasies?

Black Cat: yeah. only took 3 days to write this stupid thing.

andygirl: or off-roading while on meth.

you need to get creative.

unmitigated: they had no choice.

When I was born the doctor said:

"Look at his rod..it goes to his knee!"

thank you. I'm here all week.

Jessica: it's amazing what you can do with Microsoft Paint these days.

not really.

Opto-Mom said...

I'm so glad you didn't die below that mount covered with snow long, long ago (or was that last year?).

I didn't have a gay cousin, but I have a gay uncle. I don't think he's ever been a stripper, but he just went to prison, so I'm sure stripping for cigarettes will be in his near future.

Also, WTF was up with that hard ass ribbon candy? Do all grandmas have that? And you had to get a butter knife to chip away that nasty lime flavored green candy to get to the good red stuff on the bottom.

Brutalism said...

I think that ribbon candy and nut goodies are issued to people when they buy their first cushioned toilet seat...

Mike said...

As a Canadian, we have similar things.

Except where it's flat, we hook up about a dozen poorly trained and overly aggressive dogs to the front of it.

That is also fun.

Knight said...

This explains a lot regarding your mental state and the overall health of your brain in general. I'm starting to understand.

Sandra said...

OMG you're funny! And so creative. How do you make all those pictures complete with captions with profanity.
Just for the record, I broke my tailbone on a toboggan.
Oh, and in Canada, they're trying to implement a helmet law for people who go sledding. Not sure they'll be able to implement it, but when the head injured victims are in the hospital and don't remember their names, the cops can say, "Shouldn't have forgotten to wear a helmet."

Quirkyloon said...

Whoa.

As Neo succinctly put it.

The Empress said...

OK. Moooog.

Mooooog.
You are not good for me.

This was so effin hysterical that I had to show it to my 15 yr old son.

I know I know the f bomb and all. But I told him to overlook it and just laugh.
Laughing is good.

ANd this was hysterical.

Now, I gotta lock down the computer so he doesn't come here alone.

Cuz he said, "awesome!!! What else does this guy have?"

Nuh-uh.

Only under parental control.

This was so freakin funny.

oh my god.

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Ha ha ha! My mom is from Manitoba, so we went tobagganing a couple of times when we visited our cousins. There was a tobaggan run at the park by my grandma's. Sledding, only way cooler.

Jill said...

That was hilarious!! Your poor cousin! (Not the gay one) LOL!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I totally heard Ralphie Parker reading this.
And I'm hanging my head in shame...I was the plastic sled girl.

cardiogirl said...

Awesome tale of your near-death experience. Although your cousin's tobaggon sounds like the upscale version.

We had a plastic green tobaggon that had a cut out hole in the front for a handle. The rest was a slick thin piece of plastic that was melded into a circular tube. You had to fight that mofo to open it enough to sit on it.

And there was no traction on it whatsoever so as soon as you sat on it you started to slide off of it since you had snow on your snowpants and the effer was slick plastic.

Good times.

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