Parenting 101 - A Ten-Step Program You Can Live With | Mental Poo

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Parenting 101 - A Ten-Step Program You Can Live With

A special 'Clip N Save' edition of Mental Poo today:

Parenting 101

I've tried to boil down what I've learned in the 10 years I've been a parent into TEN STEPS.


joy of parenting

uncertain parent




more disgust childbirth

proud parent

letting go

apathetic parent

messing with them

Sadly, Step #10 (Screwin' with their heads) is as far as I've gotten because that pretty much takes up most of my time.

I swear if lying to your kids for the sake of your own enjoyment was a sin, I would have been struck down YEARS ago.

Thankfully, I think that Jesus is still at his life as a hermit in Siberia.

Thank you, Easter Bunny!

Moog out.


Mars said...

#10 is what makes it all worth while...

ryoko861 said...

As a mom, I'm loving #9!!! 'Nuf said on that!

Christy said...

Why is the baby on the floor? At least it wasn't the Hot Pockets.

Brutalism said...

Chillingly accurate.

Nice boobs on mom.

vickilikesfrogs said...

It's like he shit satan? Omg, now THAT is awesome! And I really like mom's red devil eyes in step #3!

Joann Mannix said...

Mooog, it's been far too long, man.

Sorry, I've been a bad blog compadre. I've been reading, just not enough commenting.

#9 is brilliant and full of truth.

I'm a big liar when it comes to my kids, too, especially with my oldest daughter Olivia or Oblivia as we like to call her. She is extraordinarily fun to fuck with because she believes everything. I'm gonna use the Easter Bunny story on her. She's 20, but as far as I know, she probably still believes in the Easter Bunny. I may have consumed too much wine with her before I knew I was pregnant.

SarcasmInAction said...

I have to admit, I've never eaten a Hot Pocket.
I may have to hit the grocery store today. Are they really worth it?

Child development and parenting experts have NOTHING on you!

Elly Lou said...

Anybody else craving a Cadburry Cream Egg?

Fortunes Fool said...

I don't have kids yet, however I work with them, and this is epic! I constantly tell them random lies knowing damn well they don't appreciate my sarcasm as much as I do. I have to say, it gets me through the day. LOVE this.

Vinny C said...

Moooooog? First a PSA alerting us to the stuck fetish, then useful parenting advice?

I'm confused... Is the sky really blue? Do I really live in the tropics? Did Skyline really suck? I just don't know anymore.

Mama-C said...

I live for #10 dude.

Dr. Cynicism said...

You have a Ph.D. in parenting my friend. The birds in #6 really send the message home. I look forward to future parenting steps!

Dazee Dreamer said...

please do not ever leave the blogging world as I will surely not know what to do without you making me laugh.

Unknown said...

If not for number ten 1 thru 9 would just be a waste!! Mine are 18 and 23 and it NEVER gets old...... ever.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Warning: Enjoyment of Hot Pockets causes babies. Obviously.

Knight said...

I think I'll go ahead and rip my uterus out. I don't need it. Thanks for the reminder!

Kev D. said...

Just wait for step 11:
"They fuckin' with you"

Moooooog35 said...

Mars: It is truly what I live for.

ryoko: As a dad, me too.

Christy: Are you suggesting babies need to be elsewhere? Obviously you have no idea what you're talking about.

Brutalism: I agree on the boobs. Sadly, they don't last like that.

vicki: scores on multiple points!

Joann: holy shit I loved your Mexico post. Welcome home. alive.

Sarcasm: You've never eaten a Hot Pocket?!?

You're dead to me.

Elly: notsomuch, no.

Fortunes: tis how I get through most of my days.

Vinny: Yes. Skyline really sucked.

Welcome back to Earth, my friend.

Mama: As do all of us.

Cynicism: You mean there's more!??

Dazee: Why don't you people who are so grateful ever buy my shit? wtf.

Oh. you're welcome.


Midwestern: I KNOW.

Dawn: This is why I get the Lean Pockets. Less calories AND babies.

Knight: OR, I've had a vasectomy.

What time should I expect you?

Kev: I plan to be dead by the time they get wise to my shenanigans.

Pat said...

I'm glad I just went pee before I read this or I would have wet my pants.

This shit is funny.

Oh. And for the record, I've never eaten a hot pocket, either.

That's what I call the thing between my legs. *wink, wink*

Chris said...

Dude, I've been reading your blog for some time now, and all I have to say is this:

If you haven't been struck down by now, a small matter like fuckin' with your kids probably isn't going to put you over the edge.

Just sayin'.

Christina_the_wench said...

OMG I can only imagine the nursing home your kids are gonna put you in one day.

Paybacks, baby, paybacks...

pattypunker said...

this post is cruel and unusual. i have no hot pockets in my fridge and i'm snowed in. thanks moooooog.

ps: these are some of your best drawings!

Unknown said...

This may be one of your best posts yet! And the artwork is amazing! You are so funny.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahahaha! #9! Ahahahahah!

These are friggen hilarious. And now I want Hot Pockets!

Anonymous said...

Easter bunny pushed the rock, LOL. Too funny!!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Did your ex really have boobs like that? Who has those weirdy boobs??

Shawn said...


but #11 - infinity is when they start fuckin' with yoo.

Opto-Mom said...

OMG, my sister's baby had the smelliest poo. It was just weird smelling (not like the regular awesome-smelling poo), and he shit about 16 times a day. No exaggeration.
They found out just before Christmas that he has cystic fibrosis.
Yeah, Merry F#$%ing Christmas, right?

And get that kid off the floor in Step #5! Jesus, don't you know you're supposed to put him on top of the microwave while you cook your Hot Pockets?

Jay Ferris said...

#10 is what sustains me as a parent. That and seeing them grow and thrive and whatever. My oldest still thinks Jesus' second coming will be in zombie form.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Steps 6 & 9 made me laugh out loud. I might just point my niece and her hubby to your post. They're going to become parents on Feb. 4th.

Moooooog35 said...

Pat: Please tell me that your 'hot pocket' isn't the 'meatball' one.

Chris: Good point.

Christina: Ten bucks says it's made of cardboard.


Eva: This artwork is amazing?

Am I missing something?

Meleah: I have a hot pocket for your right here.

*points at freezer

Bikram: My kids don't believe much of anything these days.

This is why I subcontract.

Christine: I know. I was surprised when my mom told me that, too.

Stephanie: No. no boobs. none.

Shawn: BRING IT!

Opto: Yeah. I learned the 'top of the microwave' with my second one.


Jay: HE WON'T?!?!

JJ: My condolences to them both.

Mandy_Fish said...

I'm always amazed that when you're dealing with kids, you're dealing with people who believe a jolly, fat dude climbs down the chimney with presents and flies off with tiny reindeer. And believe that a giant rabbit breaks into the house and hides eggs and candy for them to enjoy on a Sunday morning. Like this is wholly real and normal.

How can you have a normal conversation with someone like that?

G.~ said...


I used to tell my daughter when she would act up, that she had a sister named Lucy and I sold her for a hot dog. Then my daughter would ask me why and I told her, because I was hungry and she was being a brat.

It bit me in the ass a few years later, but it was fun while it lasted.

Great post. You rock.

Marie Nicole said...

After hearing her threats of tearing your heart out I was all like "aaaawwww, she said you had a heart!" I'm saddened to hear you divorced what was obviously a wonderful woman!

ツ my cyber house rules

Vodka Logic said...

Man you really suck, didn't you have a daughter first?? What happened to her?

I hope they get your sense of humor it may save their lives.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Since I've got 7 years of parenthood on you, I'll add:

Step 11: Leaving tissues or a roll of toilet paper conspicuously displayed on their bedside table so they won't use their socks.

Which you can also file under disgust.

Amy said...

Meconium, thank you.

HumorSmith said...

Q: What's the difference between writing a blog and parenting? A: Your posts have more disgusting parts.

Ed said...

Even though you infringed on my copyrighted Stickman(c), I'd say your point is pretty accurate.

BadLarry said...

I had a ball telling my nephews webs of lies and half truths growing up. It was glorious to mess with their impressionable young minds.

Nephew#1: "Uncle Larry, why do fish live underwater?"

Me: "Because they catch on fire super easy and you wouldn't want the house to burn down, right?"

Cut to the kid freaking the f*ck out when his mom tried to clean the aquarium and she had to temporarily move the fish to a smaller bowl.

Nephew#2: "What does the Tooth Fairy do with all the teeth she takes?"

Me: "She grinds em up and mixes em in with meat to make hot dogs. Ever notice those little white dots in the meat? Those were some kid's baby teeth."

I got a phone call from my sister-in-law for that one when Nephew#2 utterly refused to touch his former favorite food and she found out why.

Malach the Merciless said...

You missed:


Michael Rector said...

Now I want hot pockets

StephanieC said...

I just really like the sound of Mooooooooooooooooooog.

And you've cemented (concrete-ed?) all my deep fears of childbirth. If only I could convince BF of these things.

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

I find it all leads to apathy anymore...

Pickleope said...

What about "realizing all our money is being leeched by this little need-monkey to the point where we can no longer afford a reasonable crystal meth habit and have to switch to sniffing glue"? Or was that just our experience?

Mrs. Hall said...

yeah, apathy. when i have my days off I STILL put the kids in daycare. cause mommy needs her martini time!!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I didn't think you could get any better, but this is your funniest post ever. Laughing my ass off!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Did you know there IS a children's book telling a story about Easter Bunny and Jesus very similar to the version you messed up your child's mind with? And it was written by a Catholic priest. I am not making this up. My devout catholic MIL gave it to my son. I LOST it at the earliest convenient moment.

Kelly said...

It's scary how this described my life as a parent perfectly. Like you were actually there, every step of the way. Especially Steps 3 through 10.

Moooooog35 said...

mandy: It's true if you believe it is.

That's how all my lies to them start.

G: Thanks for the ammo for next time.

Nikki: RIGHT?!

Vodka: Oh. She's around. And free to a good home.

Becky: Weird. I do the same thing.

Ogladi: Mercuryionium, too.


Humorsmith: That one went over my head.

Easy to do at my height.

Ed: *blushes

BadLarry: Those are amazingly awesome.

Malach: I didn't miss it. I just forgot it because I was hammered.

Rhetoric: I always want hot pockets.

Stephanie: Be careful what he wishes for...

Pickleope: I'll pencil it in for next time.

Mrs. Hall: Day care? That's probably a good idea. I just usually set them up in a big box outside.

MikeWJ: In EVER? hm. that's kind of depressing.

Absence: Did I write it? It sounds like something I'd do.

Kelly: I was. *waves from closet

Chelle said...

Lying to your kids for fun can't be a sin.. Have you not read the bible?

Remember the story about Abraham who just about sacrificed his son and then at the last minute God was all, "Yeah.. I was just testing... Untie the kid" and they all had a good laugh?

God like to mess with him because like.. he was gullible and could take a joke. That's the best kind of kid to mess with.

life in the mom lane said...

This is too funny and disturbingly accurate- I once told my girls (who were beginning to get their boobies) that they grew at different rates and one side might be bigger than the other... they of course believed me... after 10 min. of hysterics I couldn't stand it anymore and told them it was untrue- but man were those ten min. fun! :)

mypixieblog said...

LMAO!!! This post is awesome. I'm not yet a mom but I have seen this transformation with several of my friends and I'll have to share with them.

Steps 8 and 9 are cracking me up :p

ClevelandPoet said...

the best reason to have kids is to fuck wit their heads.

that and making them make wallets to sell.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I was at a baby shower about a year and a half ago where I learned about the poop in the delivery room and right there I gave my self a hysterectomy and offered my uterus up for the highest bidder.

Kind of.

Maybe I just started drinking and smoking Marlborough Reds out in the yard by my self at 10 am.

HumorSmith said...

Me too, mooooog.

Q: What should HumorSmith never do?

A:Comment while drinking.

Alexandra said...

I don't know why you think you're funny, or who told you you were funny, but...oh, forget it...I will not be a troll here.

And I can't lie.

See, I began to try and lie and I just can't.

Mooooog, you crack me up. I sit here and cover my mouth and say "Oh my god Oh my god" and the kids come running over going,"MOM! What?"

I just can't come here when they're around.

But, Oh my god, Mooooog, you crack my ass up.

Your posts alone will shut down the pharmaceutical industry. I know my therapist personally is beginning to hate you, he asked me why my life coping skills were improving, and I answered, "mooooog, midgetmanofsteel."

I love you.

Leighann said...

Love this!! Its Gold!!

LilPixi said...

Classic stuff here!! As usual.

Rachele said...

I have to admit that #9 is my favorite, especially since the fighting begins the minute the older one walks in the door. Very funny and accurate post!

Pam up North said...

Because of #10, I'm embarrased to tell you when I stopped believing that when you press your belly button, you're hiney WON'T fall off...ok, it was last Tuesday.
Accurate list

DB Stewart said...

Way up there in comments Kev D. nailed it.
And btw, I think your artwork should inspire a new television series called 16 & Pregnant: the Real Shit.

Dan said...

Laughed so hard I cried. Great stuff!

Princess Pudding Snack said...

ahahah freaking awesome!!

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