I'm So Confused I Don't Even Have a Title | Mental Poo

Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm So Confused I Don't Even Have a Title

I was checking my blog stats the other day when I noticed that an old post about how I became trapped in my ex-wife's hairspray-covered-bathroom-floor and almost died (read: found that my foot got sticky) was trending.

This prompted me to look at where all the traffic was coming from:


So of course I'm all, like, 'wtf is a sticky site?' and the answer that kept coming back to me involved post-coital relations but I'm pretty sure that even I wouldn't want free wi-fi from there so I decided to click on the site to see why this post was coming up.

Bad. Bad idea.

It turns out that my hairspray entrapment blog post was linked in this 'forum' posting:



"I came across this blog post today while doing one of my routine searches on getting stuck in glue."

*cricket

At this point I don't know what's going on here except maybe this guy owns a glue factory or works in a glue manufacturing plant or is a serial killer because I'm pretty sure I'm about as weird as they come and I've routinely Googled shit before but nothing about getting stuck in glue.

Now I'm like, well..how did he find my blog Googling this crap?

This led me to look at my search results for that day:


Okay..so he searched for "feet stuck in super glue."

I suppose that's valid.

But why wouldn't you just take your shoes off or something? How did you get to the computer to use Google? WHO IS FEEDING THE DOG?!

So many questions.

Then I realize his forum post says this:


I got nothin'.

So now it's occurred to me that this guy isn't trying to get OUT of being stuck in glue - he's wondering the most effective way TO TRY TO BE STUCK IN GLUE and if, somewhere in my post, I've discovered some miracle glue solution that gets you stuck when, you know, you're really looking to go nowhere.

And trust me, I'm pretty much the expert when it comes to going nowhere.

Curiousity piqued, I click on the 'Home' page of the site.

Here's what I see:


*blink


OH.

It's a fetish.

For a minute there I thought people were doing weird shit with glue for sexual gratification.

OH LOOK THERE'S A PICTURE GALLERY!!

Imma gonna click on it!




All I can say is that it's a good thing they reserved the room because this has 'we're here for an extended stay' written all over it.

When I went to save the picture, I found out what it's actually named:




I have to admit here that I'm a little turned on with the blue chick.

Then..um...


Please note that this photo is actually named 'Face full of Alien' and I did not write that but I'm really confused at who thinks that a bi-pedal catwoman wearing fuzzy slippers (redundant) with Alien stuck to her face is a boner inducing turnon.

If you're out there raising your hand right now, please leave and never ever come back.



It's at this point that I'm ready to bail on this website because (a) it's getting weird and (b) it's almost lunch time and I've been writing this post for, like, 2 hours now and it's time I had a break.

Plus they're serving chicken wings in the cafeteria today.

I hope my fingers don't get sticky.

65 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know, just when I think I'm getting jaded and there's no more weird to be found out there, I come over here and find out I am clearly wrong because WHAT THE FUCKETY IS UP WITH THAT? Who even knew there was a site for people with a "stuck fetish"? Or that there were even people who HAD a stuck fetish? How does that even develop in a person? Did someone's psycho mom gorilla glue his penis to his abdomen one day as a punishment for masturbation or something? Or is it just a bondage related thing? Either way, what the hell?

Also do those people have instant boners at the thought of quicksand?

Brutalism said...

Lionel Richie's "Stuck on you" is now in a continuous loop in my head. As is the thought that he is one sick bastard.

G.~ said...

I love to laugh this hard at 7am.

Thanks for doing all that detective work and then sharing it with us.

I can now go to my a.m. law class with great images in my head.

I have a plethora of story lines and new ideas for characters running through my head. Woo Hoo!

Thanks for the mental stimulation. ;)

Kev D. said...

She puts the glue in the basket.

Vinny C said...

What the hell? I knew that there were sickos out there but I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this one. I'd say I'm stuck but I don't want to get some sick freak that might be reading this turned on.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Poor Tinker Bell, she got caught in a glue trap. She looks all hot and bothered by it though.

From the moment I started reading I knew it was those glue fetish people... don't ask how, I just knew there is a fetis about everything, in fact I was just about to start wrighting one from a spam comment I got the other day.

Let's just say I would have preferred it if it was a glue fetish.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Would be nice if I could spell too. Did I mean fetus or fetish? And wright....write or right?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Man, there are some sick m-effers out there. Also? It's pretty bad when Moog is the voice of reason. Sheesh.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

It's bad when you look normal and not at all fucked-up by comparison.

Not that your being fucked up is bad. It's why I read you and obsess over your tweets and dream about you at night.

I mean...

Moooooog35 said...

Veggie: Right. Like you don't have a login account.

Brutalism: Maybe this will help:

Say you, say me. Say it together. Naturally.

You're welcome.

G: You can't just throw fancy words like 'plethora' around willy-nilly at 7 am.

My head hurts.

Kev: GET THE HOSE!!

Vinny: Like you wouldn't want that fairy.

Come on. Even I do.

Wait. What?

Vapid: The fact that you even knew they existed bothers me.

As in 'hot and bothered.' I need a shower.

Dawn: RIGHT?!

Sarah: Preaching to the choir, sister.

Also, please describe the dreams in detail. Maybe accompanied by some sketches.

Thanks in advance.

Opto-Mom said...

On the yellow chick's picture, notice the little ray gun down at the bottom left...or is that some fancy hot glue gun? Ouch!

And the catwoman pic...ummmm, does her tail look suspiciously like a penis, or am I just horny?

SarcasmInAction said...

I'm now having flashbacks from some deeply rooted and forgotten disturbing moment in my adolescence...
I walked into fly paper in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom.
And it was all caught in my hair. Sticky residue and fly corpses...
On my face, in my hair, oh DEAR GOD NO!!!!!!!!
Thankfully my shrink is on speed dial. Gotta run.

Nicole said...

Don't, just, don't do this again. Man, some things need to stay in the bag. Right? Unless HBO does a Real Sex thing on Sticky Fetish, then it's cool.

Elly Lou said...

I'm just going to ignore all the adhesive aphrodisiacs and focus on the "sciatica why can't I pooh" search term. Because that's a less disturbing conversation centering around being "stuck."

Mandy's Kidding said...

You shouldn't mock your new audience. I bet you're getting all kinds of hits and new followers from the glue group.

You might want to start writing about various scenarios where you or your unsuspecting female friends get stuck.

Think of all the new blog material. This has "Win" written all over it.

That one girl said...

I think I developed a sticky fetish just reading this...

Miss Yvonne said...

I can't come up with anything better than KeV D's comment. Well done, my friend.

Nikki Rules said...

I think these stuck on fetishers may name you their new hero... YOU are helping them in their mission to tell the world about this fetish. Aww, and here you thought nothing grand was going to happen today! Congrats!

ツ my cyber house rules

Daffy said...

I was really concerned there that I was going to get through the entire post and not one single part of it was going to relate back to sex or a fetish or bondage or sex...wait...did I mention sex twice?

Anyway, thank you for not disappointing me.

Enjoy lunch.

The Empress said...

Oh my gosh, mooooooog.

Oh my gosh.

I wish you were here.
Oh my gosh.


You are so funny.

"If I dont' get fired for this I can do anything.


"this is effing disturbing"

Why oh why...oh, I'm dying here.

I am laughing so hard....

Ed said...

Now my keyboard is all sticky.

vickilikesfrogs said...

Me? I'm just tickled to see you have an awards folder!

Eva Gallant said...

I'm with Dawn; I never imagined a scenario in which Moooog turns up looking like the sane one!

Rhetoric Camel said...

Wow... a sticking fetish... I don't even know what to say or think about this *glues self to chair*

SisterMerryHellish said...

I seem to have a crop circle fetish group all over my site today, and I'm happy to have them! Wow!

HumorSmith said...

Hey! You could've titled this post "Glueteus Maximus". You're welcome.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Is there not a single ounce of competitive bone in you? You were completely outwierded by this website and you are ok with it? Have you made piece with the fact that next to them you seem completely normal and hohumyawn upstanding? *shaking my head* I thought more of you my friend...

Sarah P said...

Dude. Create a profile and recommend Band-Aids.

OR, talk about all your sexy experiments with hairspray.

Also, can you just imagine what he was doing while he was reading that post of yours? Now what's sticky, eh? Eh?

Dr. Cynicism said...

Alright man... back away from the computer. First things first, clear your cache and browser memory. Two, shut off all appliances and unplug router. Three, place all your computer related electronics in a metal barrel and burn. Four, seek out corner in dark room. Five, sit in said corner and rock back and forth repeating the phrase, "people are good. they would never do bad/strange things."

pattypunker said...

oh who doesn't like to peel glue off their skin? it's even better than peeling sunburned skin or wax. so i've read.

Jay Ferris said...

Is this anything like that time you swapped my lotion with wood glue? As funny as that might have been, I'm still waiting on a lot of skin to grow back over here.

meleah rebeccah said...

This is so disturbing on so many levels. And KeV D's comment is quite possibly the greatest comment ever.

Ann said...

Keep going back to that blue chick. She has 2 toes on each foot. Then I started wondering where her hand is. It has to be in her armpit. Looks like she's on the wrong fetish website.

Malach the Merciless said...

UHH, you been hanging out with Rex Ryan and his wife?

bikramyogachick said...

Wow. *blink.....
*blink *blink.....I got nothin.....

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

So, I'm come here after a long absence (no fault of yours, Moog, honest), and this is what I find? I'm running far far away this time.

You know it's weird when Moog begins to look normal.

Moooooog35 said...

Opto: If it's just you being horny, call me.

Sarcasm: Where did you live? In a tent? Who has flypaper on the floor?

Nicole: Hm. One of these looks like you. Do you model?

Elly Lou: That sciatica post is one of my favorite posts of all time.

Mandy: Glue Man Group?

That One Girl: I just developed one after reading your comment.

Miss Yvonne: Buffalo Bill comments are always winners.

Nikki: Yes. "THEM." Nice try. We're on to you. Or, you know, wish we were.

Daffy: I'm here for you.

*touches crotch

Empress: At what point should I expect the angry emails from your husband?

Ed: And this is different from...?

Vicki: ME TOO!

Eva: Color me surprised, too, lady.

Rhetoric: I love that comment.

Sister: Right. You never know when things will get way worse.

HumorSmith: DAMMIT!

Absence: I shall try harder. Just for you.*

*lie

Sarah: Great. Thanks for that.

Dr. Cynicism: I would like to do that but I feel like I'd be a hypocrite.

pattypunker: *blink

Jay: Dude. "Lot" is relative.

Meleah: I'm with you on both things.

(stares at your boobs)

Ann: BRILLIANT.

Malach: No, but I may start. Have you seen her feet? HOT.

Bikram: Join the club.

mary: Welcome back! and..um...Bye!

MommaKiss said...

Blank

Stare

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

AW yeah, glue me baby. I have to say though, I haven't been as disturbed as I am right now about that fairy stuck in doggie style since the day I found that site for dragon dildos with handheld ejaculation pumps. with. user. photos.

Sandra said...

I'm not sure what's worse: the fact that some guy out there is looking to get stuck in glue or the fact that you wrote about it, and I devoured every word? Whose the sick freak now? ~this is me raising my hand~

Kage said...

i feel sticky.

dirty! i meant dirty.

that was awesome.

i meant disgusting.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Getting weird? I think it's too late.

Knight said...

Damnit! I had this whole idea planned out where one day you come home from work and somehow I got stuck (while burgling you in my cat suite) on all fours to your kitchen floor. Then I say "You really should mop some time...but while I'm here..."
You've ruined everything! and I was so close to finding out where you live.

lacochran's evil twin said...

You had me at pastry sex.

The Barreness said...

I'm not gonna lie, I'm with Patty here.

Also, FYI - liquid latex gives a similar sensation without the terrified reactions of readers who stumble across your fetish website.

No, no one told me this.

- B x

McGriddle Pants said...

Wow. Just... Wow.

I'm impressed you stayed on that site as long as you did!

Lady Ohlala said...

Wooow, quite disturbing! For a first visit to your blog, that was quite surprising...

Nearly felt guilty for laughing out loud over this piece of deranged info... I'll blame it on you though, conscience clear, you're the one who wrote it in such a funny way! :)

ClevelandPoet said...

if you had come up with some amazingly great technique for getting stuck you could have become their god!

Rahul said...

At least we know the person still keeping Elmer's in business.

His identity is a secret no longer.

Aunt Juicebox said...

This makes the second thing today that made me say "And I thought I'd seen everything...". Through my job, I see a lot of things on google I wish I could unsee. Today I came across fetish videos of women stuffing themselves with food, skinny women mind you, and then they were trying to stick their bellies out to look...fat? I didn't get it, and I can't stop trying to figure it out. And now this....

Jen said...

See, I would have focused on the word "routine".

The fly paper one is self explanatory.

andygirl said...

henceforth, I will just call myself a catwoman instead of a cat lady. much cooler.

also, will start saying nether regions.

Kris said...

The Empress sent me this link the other morning, but as I was in the middle of writing my own post? I did not stop to click, for fear that your post would distract me and interrupt my thoughts.

That was a good move on my part.

Geez.

cornflakegirl74 said...

What in the hell IS happening here? I really thought I had seen everything. Clearly, I was very, very wrong.

Yea, I got nothing either. Though I'm happy I stopped by? :p

Sheri (Mommy Stuff Blogger) said...

People are weird.... I get at least 10 hits a day from people searching muumuu, mumu, muumuu dress, or the like just because I wrote one post about how I thought Grandma was reading my daughter a book about muumuu's when really she was saying moo-moo instead of cow. Who searches muumuu? Seriously.

Renee said...

Holy hell.
There is truly some awesome weirdness out there.
Hmm. The husband once used spray adhesive as bug spray on yellow jackets. They just fell out of the air as their little wings stuck to there little bodies.
It was traumatizing.

I must go now.

Jessica said...

Omg, I am DYING laughing at my screen right now. First time visiting from Pretty All True. You are hilarious and I'm completely disturbed but in a much better mood than I was in before I got here. Thanks.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Wait, what is alien girl stuck to? AM I NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR STUCKY PORN????

This might cause an existential crisis.

Or at least a night spent watching Reading Rainbow and avoiding all foods not made of salt.

Krissy said...

I'm a bit concerned that this is the first post I'm reading here, and I have to stick around. This was freaking hilarious!

TalkativeTaurus.com

Compodulator said...

well hello. i'm one of those stuck fetishists you're afraid of so much.
i gave it a though and to be frank i have no fucking clue how i got this fetish.
but.. it's there...
i'd love to see some more comments of you on the stick site gallery.
you're a hilarious person.

Jessica said...

Speechless.

dana said...

As much as I love screwing around with you on facebook, I'd never been to your blog. I'm SO impressed with your blogging abilities and knowledge. How the heck does one get that kind of list on what people are reading?????

I have unfortunately discovered that some crazy people love to glue animals down...literally, until they suffer to death.

I'd LOVE nothing better than to have a gallon of superglue, someone to watch out for the cops, and one of those idiots at MY mercy.

Humans are so bent out of the norm that I'm surprised I'm still allowed to be a member.

Matt Conlon said...

Can't imagine that being a turn on. I'm usually done and halfway to sleep by the time things get sticky.

Suniverse said...

Here via the Empress and while I'm usually pretty o.k. and live and let live with whatever people want to do behind closed doors [or flypaper walls] I have to say, this is beyond fucking weird.

I don't get how this would be remotely arousing. And I think Benicio del Toro is sexy.

Big Mama Cass said...

How in the HELL does weird shit like that happen?!? The fact that more than one person is interested in this is insane enough. I am going to go work very hard and removing this from my memory. FOREVER. {shudder}

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