The Time in the Future where I Spammed My Past Self and Maybe Vice Versa | Mental Poo

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Time in the Future where I Spammed My Past Self and Maybe Vice Versa

Got a typical spam email the other day:

This is not news in and above itself because I routinely just delete these things ever since the time I decided to check one out and then for a month I took the pills they sent me and ended up with a labia growing out of the side of my head.

So after my limit of 32 refills for that finished, I've stopped responding to these.

I miss my head labia so much.

But what struck me about this email was this:



Obviously this email was sent from my future self to warn me that I'll probably be trying to bed Scarlett Johansson or, really, anyone and my dick won't work.

So of course I need to Tweet this shit.

So now I'm dying to know why I need this shit.

What better way to find out than to ask my future self directly?

Then I realized I was actually writing to The Great Pumpkin so I started over.

Then I sent it and a few seconds later - BAM - inbound email from my past self showed up in my inbox like a goddamn Christmas miracle but with less Jesus baby and myrrh and then I checked the timestamp and, yep, IT WAS SENT FROM MYSELF BEFORE I RECEIVED IT.


So apparently I'm not only my past self but I'm also my future self but I'm still in my same pajamas and shit and NOT banging Scarlett Johansson so now I'm a little pissed.

Then I just saved it in my 'drafts' folder because I'm not quite at the 'porn empire banging supermodels' point of my life.


So sending this would be a bit premature.

Speaking of premature, I should probably tell my past self to buy some of those 'Last-Longer' pills, too.

Doesn't hurt to be prepared.

Just ask John Connor.


Kev D. said...

Hey, in the future do we finally have hoverboards? I've been waiting a long time.

Vodka Logic said...

That picture so looked like you were banging Scar Jo. I blushed a little

Mandy said...

you know you're old and probably in need of Viagra when you still use Yahoo.

SarcasmInAction said...

My mind=blown.
I wish my future self would email me, but I bet she's lost her memory and has forgotten about us both. Maybe she's just so famous, she has no time for losers like herself.
OR, she's in a padded room. With no Internet access. Which would suck, cuz then she couldn't blog about what would clearly be a life full of awesomeness. In a padded room.

Vinny C said...

Hey, next time you talk to future you, find out about those flying cars too. I think we've been teased long enough.

Asha said...

I wonder how many times I've deleted important information from my future self. I'm going to have to start paying better attention.

Mike said...

I'm glad you mentioned labia in your post, because I mentioned labia in my post. It's always good for someone less popular (me) to mention something similar as someone more popular (you) to try and ride some of your popularity.

So far it's not working, and you still have a better blog than me. To be fair, you put in way more effort and deserve the credit.


P.S. - I miss your head labia more than anyone.

Dorn said...

Forget the Civic, forget the hover boards & flying cars (no offense to your commentators) Just find out the Super Bowl results and bet the house (OK, well your mom's at least!). In less than a week you could be a thousandaire!

Elly Lou said...

Future me is living in Nigeria and married to a prince. I win. Except he's dead and apparently there's some sort of problem with his estate. I loose. Never mind.

The Lissst! said...

What a funny fuckin' post.
"Head Labia!" (laughs)
Lately I've been rolling off my bed in the middle of the night. I was thinking of taking like maybe two Viagra's to keep this from happening.
If only my future self could let me know how it's working out.

StephanieC said...

I had no idea there would ever, nay, COULD EVER be a link between viagra emails and messages from the future.

Marty McFly CLEARLY had no idea of what he was doing.

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

Also? Glad to know I am not the only one still in my pajamas.

Christina_the_wench said...

Ok, your head is like HUGE in that photo. Is it because of the head labia and I just don't see it??

Moooooog35 said...

Kev: Yes. Maybe. No idea. You'll have to wait.

Vodka: I WISH.

Ginger: Oh. you're gonna hate Wednesday's post.

This makes me so happy.

Sarcasm: I'm pretty sure everywhere has Internet access except, like, Egypt right now.

Vinny: I don't want flying cars around. Women have a hard enough time driving regular ones.

Asha: The more you know.

Mike: Way to ride my coattails.


Dorn: I'm not falling for that. I've seen 'Hot Tub Time Machine' and I know how that shit turns out.

Elly Lou: Don't worry. Pretty sure I just sent you a blank check.

Lisst: FYI, all that does is put a really deep dent in your mattress.

Memory foam is the best sex.

Stephanie: See? Messed up AND educational!

Christina: I've always had a big head.


Alexandra said...

That picture looks like it's really happening, Mooooog.
I believe it.

Alexandra said...

Plus, also:

you are

Funniest blogger
Best tweeter
Best Male Blog
Blog of the year

Henrietta Collins said...

i am so lost.

but i'm pretty, so who cares?

Unknown said...

omg! You totally cracked me up with this post. (Like that's an unusual occurence!) I suppose with a labia on your head, you could no longer be referred to as Dickhead; would it now be C**thead? (I couldn't bring myself to type the complete word!)

Coffeypot said...

As usual, you seem to be having a good time playing with yourself.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I would love to be able to talk to my future self! Unless she constantly gave me the "I told you so" crap. Then I'd have to kill her.

And that would be kinda counterproductive.

Scarlett would be lucky to get either one of you.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Banging future Scarlett...pfft. I had pats Scarlett sitting on my lap once while whispering rude things in my ear. (my own version of head labia)

True. Story. (she was like 9)

Heather (aka Sugar Free) said...

I think you've got something here. You could totally have some sort of column here. Like, not an advice column, but one where you can use future you to answer people's questions about the future. I'll go first: Does Nikki from the Young and the Restless EVER die off that goddamn show? Thanks.

VEG said...

Well now, there's your problem. I could have saved you a lot of time there. Your future impotence? Totally down to using Times New Roman in emails even when presented with a choice. TNR makes a person limp. You heard it here.

At least Verdana gives you a bit of half-mast chubby. For a full on, pound the hell out of Scarlett wood effect, maybe try something like Tahoma or even Georgia if you like serifs. Back away from the Comic sans and Trebuchet though...

Miss Yvonne said...

Can you ask your future self if he has any of that female viagra for sale? Because ummm, my friend said she wants to try it.

Ed said...

Head labia would be cool.

You could literally skull fuck yourself.

Malach the Merciless said...

Or you could tell your past self:

"don't get married"

That is what I would do.

Dr. Cynicism said...

I just can't help but wonder who the "Sarah Connor" is in all this business. Also, can you ask the future-you if I've gotten tenure yet?

meleah rebeccah said...

From that photo, I totally believed you were banging Scar Jo!

Moooooog35 said...

Empress: Awwww.


*sends you pics of self in various provocative poses. Again.

Kage: I use that line all the time, too.


Coffey: Someone has to.

Mrsblogalot: If you could forward that sentiment to Scarlett, I'd appreciate it.

Vapid: She whispered rude things in your ear when she was 9?!

I love her even more now.

Heather: You'll have to ask some other future person who watches that shit. Good question, though.

*rolls eyes

Veggie: Comic Sans is my bread and butter. You're killing my soul.

Yvonne: Why would a woman want to have a hard penis? I don't understand.

Pitts: Isn't 'current apocalypse' wrong by definition?

Ed: I do that now.


Malach: *slaps forehead

Jewels: call me

Cynicism: The only way I'm getting tenure is if in the future 'tenure' actually means 'constipation.'

Meleah: ..and..your feelings? Jealousy? Arousal? DO TELL.

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

So your future self is selling contradictory viagra? Ok, I can go with that.

meleah rebeccah said...

I think I might be a little jealous!

Rahul said...

DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FUTURE SELF. You will alter history forever for everyone!

So selfish.

Kerry said...

Wow. This has blown my freakin' mind. I am gonna call my friend Scarlett and tell her she should fuck you at some point in the future.

Maundering mutterer said...

You're messing with the space-time contnu-whatsit here! Oh no! There goes the entire continent - thank god I don't live on it!

Seriously: I'm from Africa: can I spam you? I'm brilliant! Lots of pics of pretty twenty-something girls in minimal clothing looking for the loves of their lives by email - you know - like that only better!

Only.. you just imploded America. Sod.

The Barreness said...

Okay, my head hurts.

Korean, though?

Always a good choice.

For safety;s sake.

- B x

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