A while after my divorce I gave Match.com the old 'college try' and by 'college try' I mean 'scoped out chicks most likely to bang' because, well, THAT'S WHAT I TRIED IN COLLEGE.
On a related note: I miss college.
But going through all these profiles while obviously skipping right the Hell over the ugly ones and reading about 'interests' and 'what I'm looking for' and blah blah blah I found that the problem with half the chicks on this site is that they're doing it wrong.
(the following are actual excerpts from real Match.com profiles that showed up in my search criteria which was basically just a requirement that the person be female)
Example #1: Cue the Banjo
First off, I have no clue what 'laughably predictable' is other than to think 'oh, great...missionary position AGAIN' but then you say you like this:
"I enjoy playing darts, pool, camping.."
So apparently you're my Uncle Lou and you may or may not have a methamphetamine addiction. Also, I'm sorry, but no one should enjoy camping. Ever.
Also - sledding?
Who puts down 'sledding' as something they like to do as fun? No shit sledding is fun, lady. So is 'running through sprinklers' but I wouldn't put it in my goddamn profile.
Example #2: Why Tell Me This?
In a nutshell, you reek of death and Vick's VapoRub and won't give me the time of day if your kid's around.
You're doing a great job selling yourself here.
Also, nice punctuation and sentence structure there, Nurse Ratched. No wonder you're changing bedpans for a living.
Oh, wait..there's even more to your profile!
"My favorite meat is steak."
I have no words.
Example #3: Lazy Redhead Looking for Male Concubine
Newflash, here, Red:
Not everyone likes a ginger.
Don't get me wrong, the idea of having sex with someone who can't go out in the sun without bursting into flames certainly is intriguing, but just not for everyone.
So there's that, and also I'm not a big fan of freckles.
Ah. You've discovered a male's true weakness!
Because if there's ONE thing a guy on Match.com is looking for, it's a woman who can't cook and is co-dependent and then needs help scrubbing your shit off the sides of the toilet.
Good luck finding your 'forever mate.' You might want to clean up all those old take-out containers before he shows up, though.
Example #4: Date Me or I Will Kick Your Sorry Ass
So, let me get this straight:
You're studying for a career in "Human Services" which means that most of our holidays will be spent volunteering at homeless shelters and shit delving out food that you're too picky to eat and if I refuse to go there's a pretty good chance you'll beat the shit out of me.
I don't think so.
That trailer trash camping chick is starting to look better and better.