The Day God Punished Me | Mental Poo

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Day God Punished Me

I’m not a religious man.

Mainly this is because my parents WERE religious and therefore I got dragged to church every friggin’ Sunday for an hour when I really should have been watching Starblazers instead of trying to figure out what yoga position I was supposed to be in because if you’ve EVER been to a Catholic church you know the whole thing goes like this:

My mother, in true Catholic-mom fashion, would threaten me whenever I did something that she didn’t want me to do using God’s Almighty wrath as her leverage.

Moms: cockblocking kids' fun since FOREVER.

Typically I blew all this stuff off because as an only child I knew I could get away with a shit ton because if I ever ran away she had NO BACKUP KIDS.

That’s why you always have at least two kids, people.

Backup plan in case one of them doesn't work out.

So my mother preached and preached about how one day God would punish me and I kept on keeping on…

Until the day after Halloween when I was about 8.

You see, I had dressed up as Frankenstein or something using one of those cheap plastic masks with the eyeholes cut out and I really really wanted to go out the next day to play while I was wearing it.


This is bullshit.

I was undaunted, though. Seriously - who would expect a kid in a Frankenstein mask AFTER Halloween?!

Such tomfoolery!

So I pressed..


Seriously. It was, like, 1976 and I'd like to think that God was busy with the first Ebola outbreak in Africa or the debate of VHS vs. Betamax so I’m PRETTY SURE he had better things to do than actually punish a fat kid running around in a Frankenstein mask.

With complete disregard for my mother’s repeated admonitions, I slipped on the mask and bolted out my side door with all the amazing crystal-clear peripheral vision of a pirate wearing two eye patches.

As the door closed behind me..I could hear my mother yelling out..

YES! God will punish me, mom?! HA, I say!


I laugh in the face of danger!

God will punish me.

How stupi...

I’m not sure what happened next but I distinctly remember somehow tripping on the very top step of our solid concrete stairs THAT HAD NOTHING ON THEM and skidding - forearms and palms first - down each of the 6 steps while my field of vision quickly changed from 'looking down my driveway' to 'stairs-sky-stairs-sky' until I landed in a fat bloody heap at the bottom.

God: 1
Rod: 0


God actually punished me. Just like mom said.

There will be no living with the woman after this.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the early morning Monday laugh. I am right there with you-church always seemed like a strange dance I never learned! I also got the God will get you-smote you-punish you speeches but I'm a sneaky little shit and he never caught up to me. That fall sounds damn painful though! Yikes. Hope you turned away from your mask wearing sinning ways!

John said...

I, too, had the ultra-religious parents - though I somehow freaked mine out & they left me alone in high school to do whatever I wanted.

I had a serious crush on a girl at my church - she went to a different school than I did, so, really, church was the only place I'd see her. I was an awkward teenager, still refining my stalking capabilities, and I'd go to church ever week, just to hope that I'd see her. She showed up about 1/3 of the time.

Since I was at church, anyway, and since I was a hyperactive kid who has to play with whatever is in front of him, I started playing piano or organ whenever the actual organist wasn't around.

Then there was a NEW GIRL who started going to my church from another school, and she had a thing for me, but she thought I was all religious & stuff (because I was always at church), so I played that up.

My parents thought I had gone off the deep-end in my love for Jeebus, to the stage where we would have "family discussions" about church versus family priorities. All this, mind you, because I was hoping to score a little tail, and to this day, while both will guilt my sister because she doesn't go to church as regularly as they might like, they NEVER, EVER question my churchgoing habits.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Hahaha...I'm not Catholic but my best friends were and I went to church with them A LOT! I always referred to it as

Stand up, Sit down, Kneel, Kneel, Kneel!!!

I actually thought it was fun...and that handshake? Awesome!

Of course, I've been getting punished by god my whole should see the mess that is my family!

Heather said...

HA! Thanks for the laugh... It's far too early to be awake and reading serious blog posts... :)

MJenks said...

I still get the religious bullshit all the time, and I've been out of that house for fifteen years now.

Important life lesson: don't friend your mom on Facebook.

laughingmom said...

I am the 2nd backup child in your way of thinking (youngest of 3) but as I like to say - my parents stopped when they finally got it right! With you being lone child- either you were the perfect child or the perfect form of birth control...

Queen Mahin said...

Ha, ha! Love the illustrations! We drive past a huge Catholic church every day and I always wondered what the service was like. Sit, stand, kneel, truly?

Unknown said...

looooool! well he definitely answered my prayers today. He showed me a sign on what to blog about. O_O A-MA-ZIIIING!!! o_o

Ed said...

She tripped you using her secret mom magic powers.

They all have them.

They're standard issue with vaginas.

And I always tell me 3 kids, "Go ahead! Do it! I've got 2 spares just waiting for your share of my love and attention."

MidLyfeMama said...

Still not going to have another kid but you make a good point about back up kids. Maybe I can just threaten that I replace him with an adopted kid who will be more grateful since I rescued him from a life of squalor.

Knight said...

and so from that day on you created an alliance with Satan to protect you from God?

Kimberly said...

My parents gave up on me and had 4 more backups. So I was effed in the a to begin I was terrified of seeing Jesus magically appear in my room to give me shit. That strong beard paired with scraggily hair resembling ancient hobo is creepy for a 30 year old...wait I mean 6 year old.

Unknown said...

I think I was the last "backup" (the youngest of seven) and probably the worst of all. I the was the only one who insisted on going to college; I was the only one to ever get divorced; and I'm the only one who stopped going to church about 30 years ago. (Actually, maybe God did punish me; that would explain my current husband of 28 years!)

Opto-Mom said...

First of all, I think you're being too hard on the church. That 4th picture looked like they were in The Matrix, and that friggin' ROCKS my britches!

Secondly, your dad looks hot. Which hair salon does he use?

Going Like Sixty said...

I actually had a string of perfect attendance at Sunday School that was about to be broken so my parents could haul me off to a lake for a weekend of raucous camping (I was 11 - that meant masturbating behind a tree.)

AAAAAnyway. My catholic-jew friends said they would take me to Mass and then give me a voucher which would count toward my perfect attendance.

I did what cartoon boy did: just about the time I figured out that blah-blah-de-blah blah (it was all Latin to me) meant kneel, it actually meant stand.

Eventually, my jew-catholic friend put his hand on my knee (and I don't mean in that way) to get me just to sit still.

After services I masturbated behind the tree behind the church.

I got a pin for 52 weeks of perfect attendance.

Ann said...

Hey! Your name rhymes with god.

Maybe that counts for something.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Funny you don't look like a fat kid in your family pictures.

At least you got a mask. All dress up at my house was me as a gypsy, just wearing everything I could find in my mothers closet.

Oh, wait make that a drunk gypsy. You can't play dress up with out a gin martini now can you?

notactuallygod said...

I don't know if I'd be blaming God for any accident involving stairs and a halloween mask.

bikramyogachick said...

I bet you still wear that mask and fall down stairs.....

Moooooog35 said...

Jewels: I'm here for you.

*points at crotch.

John: My parents weren't ultra-religious...just, like, regular religious. Yet I feel for you, my brotha.

No idea where that came from.

Lynn: I know. It was full on cardio.

Yotes: that's why I don't read serious blog posts.

Mjenks: Oh. My mom defriended me a LONG time ago there.

laughing: I think I was both, actually.

Queen: it's terrible.

Justine: Oh. I thought you meant you found me.


Ed: Great. Now I want a vagina.


MidLyfe: I am not going to try to work the word 'squalor' into a conversation today.

Knight: jealous?

Kimberly:4 more? were they high?

Eva: oooooh! Burn on Mr. Gallant!

Opto: Trust me. My dad is NOT hot. This does not bode well for me.

Going: How old was the tree when you killed it?

Ann: Thanks be to Rod.

Vapid: I take up too much room in stick figures.

notactually: I don't see any other option, honestly.

bikram: Oh. I wear the mask alright.

But not for what you think.

Olly said...

I was raised with church too. If I played along and went with them, they never grilled me on what I did the rest of the day - so it was anything goes, haha. Evil Sunday, so to speak. When I was about 10 I joined the youth choir because they were situated at the back, behind the congregation. So, of course, as soon as the sermon started a few of us used to sneak out and sit on the front steps along with everyone else that was too hung over to endure the service.

Christina_the_wench said...

Aww the Catholic aerobics and out of church in an hour on the dot. So glad those days are over.

Deb said...

-->I believe the official term is, "Catholic Aerobics" for our constant, up, down, kneel, sit, up, walk to the front, come on back, slip out with your receipt, aka the bulletin.

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh Moog. This made me laugh out loud. As a parent of ONE child, maybe I should consider getting a back-up kid. Or, at least start threatening him with "God Will Punish You" when he refuses to listen to me!

Al Penwasser said...

Take comfort in the fact that you're not the only one psychologically damaged from GUC (Growing Up Catholic). My wife, a Presbyterian, can't seem to grasp the nuances of Catholic masses because she doesn't understand the "smoke signals and hand gestures." Her friend, a practicing Catholic (when will she ever get GOOD at it?), told her the repetition of Mass is a lot like Groundhog Day.
As for me, I go to Presbyterian service (not MASS, dammit!) where they call the minister "Elizabeth" (yeah, she's a chick. Clearly a minority hire) and talk to each other in church. IN THE LORD'S HOUSE!!
I miss Catholic Mass on Saturday night.
Because I could sleep in Sunday morning.

Elisa said...

I'm always afraid that I'm going to burst into flames when I walk into a church.

LB said...

LOL! Dude, I love all the discussion about religion this week. I'm not even going to lie; if that would have happened to me after my mom said it would, I probably be a nun right now. I certainly would have never done anything else punishable by God.

badlarry said...

I embarrassed the living hell out of my very catholic aunt the one time she dragged me with her to Sunday services.

After behaving (sorta) all throughout the sermon I finally made it through time to take communion. Which she explained to me that we were to line up, take a eucharist from the priest and take a sip from a goblet, then we could leave.

I put the eucharist on my tongue,and went to take a swallow of wine just as the priest got to the "body and blood" part of the communion.

Ever seen someone come up from a pool after nearly drowning, and sputter water everywhere?

Yeah, that's what I did with a mouthful of eucharist and wine in the middle of a very nice church.

My aunt never asked if I wanted to go with her ever again.

Anonymous said...

Its your moms fault. Had she popped out another child, you would had a little sibling to land on and cushion your fall. That's what younger siblings are for. At least that's my experience based on having 2 older brothers and many scars. ("Hey angela, you can play football with us. You even get to be the football.")

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

That standing up/sitting down/kneeling thing drove me so crazy I quit going to church and bought a club membership instead.


J.J. in L.A. said...

One good thing about being disabled to not being able to kneel, or stand for too long, so I was guiltlessly able to sit all through church. Falling asleep was a whole 'nother issue though.

And God punishes me every day for being the youngest child by giving me 5 older brothers. Grr!

Anonymous said...

If you wear a Frankenstein monster mask the day after Halloween then God will try to kill you. Got it.

The Sweetest said...

Those militant Catholics! She set you up to subconsciously trip and then convince yourself God did it to you. My mother always pulled the, "what if Jesus came back right now and saw what you were doing/saying/whatever" crap.

Alexandra said...

Moooog: just read this with my 16 yr old.

You bust him up.

Oh, he thinks you're the coolest.


So sorry you grew up like that.

We did not. We did not.

I won't rub it in anymore.

Ok, one more:

we did not.

Sandra said...

I suspect God has way more points than just one, but I'm too polite to point that out.

DB Stewart said...

God is going to punish you for this.
Love, God.

Moooooog35 said...

Olly: You scoundrel!

Christina: Wait. They can be OVER?!

WebSavvy: And me who hates cardio.

Makes sense.

Meleah: Don't look at me for the backup kid. Shooting blanks. Wonderful, wonderful blanks.

Al: Honestly, I have no idea what the difference is between Catholic and Presbyterian or any of that.

And I'm too lazy to Google it.

Elisa: It's not fun. Trust me.

LB: I know. I was almost a nun, too.

badlarry: remember: never be good at something you don't want to do.

Angela: DAMN YOU, MOM.

MikeWJ: Neither one you can cancel, though.

JJ: Sure. Rub the 'I'm disabled' positive angle in my face. NICE.

Doug: The more you know.

Sweetest: I shun to even think about that.

Empress: Nice.

Also, just give me a call if you want me to rub it in.

Sandra: This was back when I was young. But you're probably still right.

dbs: I expected you to have a moustache at least.

Cake Betch said...

Hahahahaha. Omg I was raised Catholic and went through the EXACT SAME THING. Rather than try to keep up I usually just tried to fall asleep. Man, an hour felt like an eternity then.

Suniverse said...

Ah, I see. God hates Frankenstein masks.

I'll have to pull out my Werewolf mask now instead.

Kev D. said...

In your altered field of vision, you were unable to see that it was your mother that tripped you. I bet she got to the scene pretty quickly... a little too quickly.

Mom: 1
Rod: 0

God: Not Playing.

MrsBlogAlot said...

HAAAAA! God I love you for making me laugh today!

You may be on God's bad side but you're funny as hell!

I grew up with Guilt. Like God just more annoying.

Rahul said...

This is why I always live by this rule.

"Never go to church"

Caleb said...

No shit. Sit down, stand up, bow, eat this, sit down, kneel, stand. Make up your mind! Sheesh. It's like your first time S&M ing with a girl 40 years older than you.

Which, I would never do.



Malach the Merciless said...

That was actually Malach punishing you, I replaced God 67 year ago

Anonymous said...

I had that EXACT same childhood. Now, I do a little happy dance every sunday that I'm NOT going to church. Which is all of them! (Happy dance.)
Seriously, I waited 18 years to be free of that shit.

badlarry said...

Mooog said...

remember: never be good at something you don't want to do.

Well that's pretty much been my philosophy in a nutshell. That, and "never date a woman who eats more than you."

Lazarus said...

Loved everything about this post, the writing and the illustrations, all great. Very funny. I had a similar experience as a kid. I once, at about age 10, told my mother to "Go to Hell!" in the kitchen, and then as I turned to walk away, I didn't notice the open under-sink cabinet door and I flipped right over it, landing on my back looking up at my mother. Lesson learned... said...

And was God singing "Stairway to Heaven" as you fell down the steps?

Kris said...

I have that mask.


LilPixi said...

Backup kids... That was hilarious!
It's great how such simple words as "fat kid in a Frankenstein mask" can strike me so funny.

Brutalism said...

God hates fat kids.

mookzmom said...

I was raised Lutheran (considered in many circles to be a cousin of Catholics) Funny thing is, I loved going to church as a kid. (I know...demented, huh?) Lutherans back then did not do any kneeling (in church, anyway) My theory is that is why lots of Lutherans are oerweight. (well...that and all those church basement potlucks) I didn't learn that I hated church until after I had kids. (yes, I had one back-up child) Loved all the comments almost as much as the original post! Sorry I'm not too funny right now. Just woke up and took 2 benedryl tabs.

Kevin said...

Huh-larious. Now see, I always wanted to stay home from church to watch Sunday football, so I'd play sick. But mom would tell me if I can watch tv, i can go to church. Church was toooo long.

Erica said...

Nice touch with the red-striped tube socks in the tripping picture-- way to go with the historical accuracy!

And also, the Ultimate Back-up Kid: Prince Harry.

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