Work is Starting to Cramp my Lavish Lifestyle | Mental Poo

Monday, March 14, 2011

Work is Starting to Cramp my Lavish Lifestyle

I checked my work email the other night because all slackers know that the REAL way to feign that you're a workaholic is to randomly respond to work emails at all hours of the night and make sure you cc your boss even if they have nothing to do with you.

kissing ass
Just a helpful tip for keeping those of you gainfully employed while having all the work ethic of corn kernel.

Like me.

You're welcome.

Where was I?

OH. Random work email.

So this is the email I got:

no private planes
NO PRIVATE PLANES?!?!?!

Sonofabitch.

That prompted this Tweet:


Then, remembering my golden "feign you're a workaholic" rule...

..I sent out this email to my boss:

reply to boss
BAM.

See what I did there?

That says 'Hey, boss. I'm checking my email way later than I should be just in case someone is trying to get hold of me for work-related shit but here is a funny reply that will endear you to me even more and also gives me an excuse to come in later than usual tomorrow.'

The more you know.

A few minutes later I get this from my boss:


That actually made me laugh.

And that, my fine readers, is "How to bullshit your way through gainful employment 101."

Maybe I should stop giving this advice away for free.

Especially if they figure out that this post was written at 9:55 am on a Thursday.

43 comments:

Doug Stephens said...

Your boss owns a Cessna? Yeah, that was funny, but he goes around bragging about owning a little plane? I think he was rubbing in your face that he owns a plane and you don't. Asshole.

Cake Betch said...

I would try this but I'm pretty sure that my boss would smell my bullshit a mile away.

Tim said...

Surprised your boss doesn't read your site. I've been doing the late night.email thing forever...quit away the secrets!

laughingmom said...

The e-mail never mentioned the use of limo service - then you wouldn't have to worry about parking spots.

justine love said...

damn, I should've kissed-ass my way to employment... very useful tip though... i'll take this advice.

Bub said...

The work email didn't forbid the use of helicopters though...

Suitcase said...

Crap, I thought I was the only genius that did that. Of course my responses are usually "OK" or "Will Do" Thanks to the Bloggess for bringing me to your blog. I've practically spit coffee all over my computer.

Christina_the_wench said...

I think I love your boss as much as I love you. AND, your smartassness has obviously spread to management. Good job.

Dorn said...

People at work don't know about your blog do they? God help you for using your full name everywhere! What am I saying? I'd keep you on because of it!

Brandi said...

Seriously, if I had started reading your shit 2 years ago, I would've figure out how to bullshit my way into KEEPING my previous job.
Fuck.
Oh well, at least I've found you now and can hopefully use these wonderful tools to get a new job? Meh.

Moooooog35 said...

Doug: You're right. I should kill him in his sleep.

Cake: worth a shot.

Tim: sometimes you just have to reach out and help the little guy, you know?

IRONY.

laughing: I'd have to sell my plane in order to get a limo.

THINK, WOMAN.

justine: the more you know

Bub: fuck that noise.

suitcase: true dat - thanks be to Bloggess.

christina: OMG am I supposed to feel this jealous?!?!

Dorn: I figured that if people friend me on FB, that they'd know it anyway so, meh. It is what it is.

Brandi: It's okay. Go back and read all my stuff from the beginning and catch up.

I'll wait.

Random Girl said...

Forget everything you learned in college, including your ethics classes. This is the stuff that superstars are made of! Well played, sir!

Eva Gallant said...

I think your company is totally discriminating against the wealthy but employed.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Man, the nerve of it, canceling your private plane privileges. I mean do they expect you to drive to work like a commoner? Next they'll be taking back the private penthouse apartment with jacuzzi and the Porsche and you'll have to provide your own champagne and caviar for lunch. Mean fuckers.

FluteItUp! said...

With every post of yours I read, you get slightly closer of becoming my favorite

zobop republic said...

I'll try to remember this advice when I actually get a JOB!

Thank U.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAHA! I bet your boss lets you get away with murder because he secretly reads your blog and is a huge closet Mooooog fan!

Could there be any other reason you are still employed?

If I Were God... said...

The key to all communication: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. This plan could easily backfire and make you the object of suspician- If your boss is a cool down to earth normal human being,(ie, has a life) he/she will start to wonder about the weird guy cyberstalking his work email.

The formula there is to find out what music or celebs he likes or likes to mock, and if your hear any news or nearby concert dates pass those along.

Edie B. Kuhl said...

This technique really works. I used it to climb the corporate ladder for nearly 15 years. And then they took my plane (read job) away.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

My twin engine turbo is grounded until gas prices go down. Too damn expensive.

laughingmom said...

What do you mean - you'd have to sell your plane for the limo - don't you have both!?!? I mean REALLY...

BuenoBaby said...

You are an invaluable resource to the lazy. On behalf of slackers everywhere: Thank you for your contribution to the cause of mediocrity. SOLIDARITY!

Ed said...

Is that their way of saying you can't get HIGH, cause that sucks!

Moooooog35 said...

Random: I'm here to help.

And make money.

Please buy a coffee mug.

Eva: CIVIL SUIT!

Veggie: I know. It's enough to make me have my butler file a complaint.

Flute: You had me at your flute picture.

zobop: You're welcome. welch.

Mrsblogalot: You mean aside from the fact I'm the sexiest here?

Not sure.

If I were: Also valuable tips. But I don't want to know him that badly.

Edie: But great severance package, right? Silver lining.

Tee: haha. you said 'twin engine'

laughingmom: The trick is to not show your cards early. LEARN FROM ME!

Bueno: *shoots sixguns in air*

Ed: oooooooooh.

*snuffs out weed

PorkStar said...

That was pretty funny. I forget at times there are such things as ethics and blah blah.

I also know how to work the email trick at odd hours of the night. Even after having to go and take my 3am tinkle, I go and reply to some "important" email at that hour.

Pearl said...

I knew it! I knew that's what people were doing!

Pearl

meleah rebeccah said...

how dare they take away your private plane privileges, especially when you're answering work emails at all hours of the evening!

The Empress said...

Moooog: they gotta know about you and blogging and tweeting and all of it....

Rahul said...

The real key is the 2 hour work lunch. Once youv'e mastered that, you've mastered everything.

Ha, mastered.

MommaKiss said...

pretty sure i wish you worked for me.

for more reasons than your witty e-mail replies....

Kev D. said...

I thought we were done with the Boycott thing.

Moooooog35 said...

Pork Star: what is this thing you call, 'ethics?'

Pearl: I had the same reaction the first time I watched porn.

Meleah: RIGHT?!

Empress: God, I hope not.

Rahul: I am the master master.

Momma: Trust me. I wish I worked under you, too.

Kev: I know. Makes me want to boycott women.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Not to mention that your boss may very well be funnier than you. Is that a problem? And BTW. I collect private planes and jets so send it my way!

WebSavvyMom said...

-->I do the same thing but sometimes just hit the "send read receipt" and then not reply but only if I've been hitting the bottle and worry my spelling might be off. There is a big difference between typing public relations and pubic relations.
~deb

SarcasmInAction said...

I remember one time when I was on a private jet.
it was called the "Lisa Marie" and this guy named Elvis owned it.
Even though he died before I was born, I'm a big fan.
The Graceland staff didn't appreciate me inappropriately caressing the bed on the plane. Something about a "no touching" policy. But I tend to be that way with "no touching" policies. I touch anyway, policies be damned!

DameMeow said...

Yep, the I must be working by the 11:30 PM response is a good way to go. Am I watching Family Guy re-runs in my underwear or diligently working...who can say?

badlarry said...

My boss stopped sending me those "urgent" work updates when I responded to an email from him with; Joe I'm currently on the toilet and sending this from my phone. Is it really that important I "drop what I'm doing right now" and get to the conference room, or do I have enough time to wipe and wash my hands first?

Marie said...

Depressingly, I DID work all hours and still got laid off. People who didn't are still there. Go figure. Except for my example, your clever ruse is generally good advice.

And my cousin actually does own his own plane, which he uses to travel to his various production plants around the country. I still can't get over the fact I know someone who owns a freaking plane. lol

Caleb said...

Wait, what? Other people know how to feign hard-workery?

I seriously thought I had a monopoly on all this. In a way it's liberating, but it's also kind of scary.

Like the first time I got to second base.

Caleb

Abby said...

So, so true. This post was read at 8:45 am as I have declared today a vacation day at work, although no one else has been made aware of this fact.

I will be sure to send out a "Reply All" on something insignificant around 8:45 pm tonight to secure my position as a work whore.

Loved this. ;)

Lauren said...

Loved the post. Do you work for GM?

With Google mail, you can send automated messages.

From the Google:
...now you can compose your reply once and save the message text with the "Canned responses" button. Later, you can open that same message and send it again and again.

Think of the possibilities.

Jules said...

It really screws with me when I can't take my private plane to work too. But it does look bad to the kids when they have to take school buses, I guess. Whatever.

Sarah P said...

So, your company thinks its employees are working there for fun? That you don't actually need the salary?

That's beautiful.

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