I'm Here to Help - Cyber Pimp Edition | Mental Poo

Monday, May 16, 2011

I'm Here to Help - Cyber Pimp Edition

One of my single, female regular readers and Twitter followers asked me to write them their very own Match.com profile after reading this post.

So, as part of my "Here to help initiative" as a responsible blog author..

*cue laugh track

I obliged.


In order to do this properly I had to look at her original profile which was, like, "I like my friends and having fun and drinking wine and apparently lulling you into a deep sleep" because when I woke up from reading it I had stubble.

Fine. It maybe wasn't that bad BUT being a guy and knowing what a guy looks for (boobs) and likes (sex) and wants in a woman (his penis)...

..I crafted this:

Holy great big mammaries, Batman!

I love the fact that her main profile photo basically says "dressing up for kinky shit isn't entirely out of the picture..*wink*" so I took it and created a catchphrase that basically says, "Hey. You there. Look at my breasts."

I think it works on several levels.

Well, one level actually..just in two great big happy bouncy parts.

Now the description:

Aaaaaand scene.

Let the offers roll in, baby. Let the offers. Roll. In.

I'm just here to help.


notactuallygod said...

The face is what sells personal ads.
Is this one covered up on purpose?
What are you trying to say here, Moog? "Bring your own bag"?

I think you owe this young lady an apology. Or possibly a bag.

John said...

I read something, somewhere, where a male & a female author looked through Match.com profiles, trying to find a date for the guy. The guy's search was done in 10 minutes . . . the woman took 4 days of diving deep into profiles.

He contacted 4 or 5 people from each list, trying to figure out who would be best for him. Without doubt, the women chosen by the woman would be "dateable" material. But, two of the girls he chose offered to send links to their website. He could see them naked with a credit card number.

So, you know, it was a wash.

Misfit Mommy said...

See what you did? Now I'm considering divorce JUST so I can call on you to write my Match.com profile.

On second thought, if I can get you to write my Ashley Madison profile, it would save me a lot of paperwork.

Elly Lou said...

I might have to dig back out my blue wig. Girl is WORKING it.

Brutalism said...

That ad is so good that I want to date her.

Knight said...

I'm glad you clarified that it was a wig. I was thinking only mentally unstable people make such a dramatic hair change out of nowhere. I've been thinking of doing it myself.See?

The Onion said...

I like it. I hovered over our secretary's shoulder once when she was checking out her Match candidates (in our neck of the woods, EVERYONE was a match). I was drawn to the ones with a witty and fun profile. Good job, she seems like a great girl. :-)

Opto-Mom said...

You couldn't get her to dress up in a French maid's costume? With the blue wig? Because that would have sealed the deal with any man!

Miss Yvonne said...

I predict a match made in heaven will spring forth from this profile.


Kev D. said...

I just vomited in my mouth a little, and pooped in my pants a lot.

Caleb said...

Nice work, moogie. Sadly when guys meet her and she turns out not funny, they might be shocked. Unless she is funny, then that's a different story. Or funny, but a different funny, which would probably be okay but confusing.

Speaking of, I just confused myself.

I would have just made the profile a big arrow pointing to her cleavage. Simple and elegant.


kdizzledazzle said...

Interesting comments everyone. As the subject of the dating profile, I'm not exactly encouraged by the fact that it seems to be women who think it's a great read, while it has inspired the men to throw up in their mouths and suggest I'm in need of a bag for my head.
For the ladies, I had a great first date Saturday night with a really cool guy who I'm looking forward to seeing again soon. Thanks for your support. For the men, you snooze, you lose...

Moooooog35 said...

notactually: cold, dude...cold. I would totally hit that except for the whole 'travel' thing.

John: do you have the URL's?

Misfit: send me your account name, I'll help you out. Or..we could just meet and do it in person. You in?

Elly: RIGHT?!


Knight: makes so much sense...

Onion: Humor gets 'em every time.

Opto: um...did you see the boobs? THAT seals it for any man.

Yvonne: I KNOW!

Kev: Why? Are you sick?

Caleb: She actually IS quite funny and, um..HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE BOOBS?!

kdizzle: You realize the guys commenting here are the same ones shirtless wearing sunglasses in THEIR profiles, right?


amydpp said...

Dude, you need to write my match.com profile. not. even. kidding.

You can also use the stuff about the boobs, it applies here.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I'd do her, uhh, I mean date her. Good job!

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG!! WHAT!! I'm so jealous. I totally want YOU to write MY Match profile.

Oh wait...I'm too scared to try internet dating. Nevermind.

meleah rebeccah said...

PS: Your match profile, is STILL my favorite blog post you ever wrote.

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

That profile writing shit is what I loved about online dating (which, obviously, I no longer do becuase I'm married so never mind looking for me under the name OurLittleSecret because there's no way I'm having illicit affairs with sexy bloggers, ahem).

You just got that lady a shit-ton of dates. Even I want to date her.

Anonymous said...

Good marketing. Boobs are awesome. Always.

Anonymous said...

haha. I really can't wait to see the responses to this one. They are going to be awesome.

MrsBlogAlot said...

HAA! She will be fighting off those Match men!

Moooooog35 said...

amydpp: just email me...we'll get 'er done.


So. Cal: then my work here is done.

meleah: there's nothing to fear except most of the guys.

nicole: if you DO date her, I want DETAILS.

doug: that's all I'm saying, really.

Jewels: OMG I should totally ask her for those.

Mrsblogalot: let's hope that's not literal.

jack mehoff said...

kdizzdazz: it is hard to tell with your eyes bared out the degree of cuteness that applies to you, however the smile is awesome and the juggs are bangin. look like a cutey to me.

and to mooooooog: nice work, i dont think this sets anyone up for a fail - as long as their personality somewhat matches yours so that when they do go on the date, its not night and day comparissons between your personality on match.com and their actual personality on the date. she got a date, a new outlook on the dating scene and probably a newfound confindence in herself. job well done.

and to think i was just in chitown....damnit!

Unknown said...

love it....maybe you can write my "about me" some time...

kdizzledazzle said...

@jack...Thanks for the kind words about my tits... and smile... I wish I could say I have a new outlook on the dating scene, but unfortunately, the quality of my profile has nothing to do with the quality of the men who are reading it :( If only...

Unknown said...

I want to date her and I'm a chick! Or do I want to date you because you wrote it? hhmm The question is do you have awesome blue hair?
Either way you are missing out on a career!

The Surrender Project said...

In this post, the word, BAM, should actually be capitalized. Just writing lower case, bam = no good. Also, I should totally get credit for that, bc I ALWAYS effing say that. You know it. I know it. BAM. Next topic.

It is 4:20 in the effing morning and I can not sleep to save my life so I am catching up on your blog and on MODG blog. What... an amazing life I have. And please effing tell me why you are moderating your comments now. There has to be a story behind that.

Related Posts with Thumbnails