Undercover Brother - Do's and Don'ts of Match.com (Male Edition) | Mental Poo

Monday, February 14, 2011

Undercover Brother - Do's and Don'ts of Match.com (Male Edition)

The Tweet I did kind of says it all:

match.com tweet
After my wildly successful yet hard-hitting expose on epic Match.com fails that I found from women..

..there was a resounding call to not ONLY show portions of MY Match.com profile, but to also skew the hairier sex (males - except in Italy and the Dominican Republic) by showing some of their Match.com fails as well.

Since my own personal Match.com profile was - during it's short yet wildly expensive life - almost perfect, I decided I would use it as a shining example of what you men out there SHOULD be doing but, apparently, you're not.


My first stop in searching male Match.com profiles was to pretend I was a hot foreign woman with giant cans and some weird fetishes.


Here's the female profile I made for myself:

match bizarre female profile
Surprisingly, my penisreceptacle profile was rejected only one time and all I had to do was change the word 'labia' to '(censored).' A small concession, but it was for the greater good.

Also, for some reason, they wouldn't accept my photo on the first try.

Probably because it was of Steve Buscemi.

I have no idea who this broad is but she kind of fit the bill based on the profile and was the only good one that came up when I Googled, "Amazon woman."

What is actually kind of fucked up is that two seconds after this profile was approved, I got one 'wink' and then someone emailed me.

guys are desperate
It's not unusual to find myself the target of wanton sexual advances but 9 times out of 10 the person trying to nail me doesn't have a penis.

"Penisreceptacle" Match.com profile ready, I began my search for my perfect match.

I limited my criteria to my surrounding area and really really tightened down on the height requirement:

match.com height requirement
Nice sliding scale there, Match.

So basically I was looking for elves or giant people who don't exist and everyone in between.

On a related note, being 5'4" myself, the only way I would come up in a woman's search is if they forgot to modify this setting. Good times.

Regardless, let's see what we came up with.


Unless you're completely desperate you should probably do all your searches for people 'with photos' because the ones without photos are the ones you typically don't want to see any way.

So..since the photo is the first thing the person sees...


DO include a vast array of pictures that show all sides of you except for maybe your taint because I think they'll reject that anyway.

good match profile pictures
See? All those pictures show them that I like my kids, I like having fun, and I can make my pecs dance to any song of my choosing.



Don't make the world want to punch you in the throat immediately upon opening your profile.

Guys. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES does wearing a baseball cap sideways make you look like you're not an asshole.

Also, if you're going to do a 'shirt off' picture, at least try to make it look like you don't have to move around in the shower to get wet.

Likewise, whenever possible, try not to look like this guy:

wtf dude
There is so much going wrong with that ensemble I don't even know where to begin.

And, if you can help it, try not to be ugly.

Your Profile Headline

Right next to your photos is your 'headline.'

This is where you're supposed to come up with something that catches the woman's attention and then draws her in, kind of like a roofie at closing time but with less physical dragging after it takes hold.

I've said too much.


DO write something that's funny and quick which, honestly, sounds like having sex with me.

funny match.com headline
See what I did there?

Right then they probably laughed and went, "Oh! He's so funny and interesting AND I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!"

*takes out vibrator

Let's see what the other guys are doing.


Don't do this:

idiot headline
No, dude.

Oprah is kind of a big deal.

Maybe even, like, Toby Maguire after Spiderman and Spiderman 2 was a big deal (we will neglect Spiderman 3 here as an anomaly).

But then, they don't need Match.com, do they? See any correlation here?

Yeah. Me either.


So this is the part where you describe who you are and what you do and like and who you want and blah blah blah. Basically this is where you sell yourself which should be easy to do if you grew up in a brothel like I did.


Do it like this. This is basically Shakespeare squared and put on a dating site, people:

awesome match.com about me
I love jazz hands.

Ties it all together.

What not to do?


Don't write your profile if you can't spell or complete a sentence or, you know, be able to communicate without people looking at you and going, '???'

no english
"Helllo ladies."

I want to say 'hi' to you so badly that I added an extra consonant.

"I can make you happy AND smile at the same time."

FINALLY, LADIES! Your search is over!

A man who can make you smile when you're happy - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Because, you know, usually when people are happy they turn emo and then go on depressed shooting sprees so thanks for clearing that up and not making me disappointment.


Match.com gives you a ton of places to write little things about yourself so take this time to hone in on your dream girl, guys, and really lay it out there.


This is where people read and go 'blah blah blah' because you're so boring and then they go back to see if all this boredom is worth it and they see that you're in a cowboy hat with beads and a do-rag on and go, you know, 'fuck this shit I'm outta here.'

DO keep 'em entertained and intrigued:

awesome and funny
The big thing here is to BE HONEST and not lie on anything because if you say crap like, "I'm okay with it if you are" just so you can get some lovin' then you are a big fat liar because two months into the relationship this new hot girl is GOING TO WANT TO HEAD TO CHURCH TO PRAISE THE LORD AT 9 AM ON A FRIGGIN SUNDAY when all you want to do is watch SportsCenter and, really, was the oral sex worth this? - PROBABLY NOT - and it will be ALL. YOUR. FAULT.


Don't pretend like you just stumbled into a hip-hop chatroom and you're PDiddy fighting off hordes of bitches:

match gangsta
I have to give this guy props for the sly, "in my bed" comment because he's pretty much putting out there that if you date me, we're bashing. End of story.

Although there is a reason that this guy is on Match.com and I'm guessing it's either that the girls he usually picks up are sticklers for good grammar, or the gang needs a new pass-around whore for their upcoming initiation.



I'm begging you.

Pleading with you.

Whatever you do. No matter how desperate you are or what kind of bet you lose..

Don't ever. ever. ever.

Be this guy:

wtf wtf wtf cat guy

I don't know what planet this guy comes from where it's okay to post on your DATING PROFILE that you're the MOMMY (not 'daddy'..no..that would make too much sense) of a kitten.

Add to the fact that he grew up on a farm and is obviously wearing a hat indoors and I'm pretty sure we are looking at the next installment of the "Silence of the Lambs" franchise.

All that's missing are sunglasses and a bead necklace.

Good luck, ladies. We're all pulling for you.

Some of us, obviously, more literally than others.


My 'penisreceptacle' profile has been online now for less than 24 hours as you see it above and get this shit:

Seriously, guys?

The profile says "I will burn you with my lighter.." for Chrissakes.


I fear for my own sex.


Because some people actually asked for it, here is my full Match.com profile in it's entirety back when it was active.

Have at it, people. I'm sure I'll get some critiques.

But if you're going to fall in love with me, I expect at least dinner first.


Anonymous said...

Jazz hands are not cool. Sorry.

And you are slacking...this post only made me snort into my coffee twice this morning.

VEG said...

I am very afraid. Yet oddly titillated. By all of it.

Well except the douche.com guys who are messing with my calm and the cowboy hat dude who looks like he wants to bone Kenny Chesney.

Is it just me or does the kitten guy look like he should speak with a German accent and never blink?

Lady Ohlala said...

I'm in love... Or at least I would be if I was smaller (see how I didn't make it about you being taller? you're welcome :) and living in the same continent, and maybe also older... Seriously though, how is it this writing career still didn't happen??

"My le bad" You had my frenchy heart there :p (not really sure that actually means something in english, but sounds good to me)

Anonymous said...

I've always wanted to see what those profiles looked like on there.

Seriously, I don't think you need one.

I was hoping you were just on there for the sheer entertainment of it all with Amazon Woman. Yeah, there are guys out there that would get into that sort of thing.

Good luck, profile looks great. I will say you should get lots of "hits". Most women look for a sense of humor in men. That you have plenty of!

Deb said...

-->My best friend is a professional dater and we had many, many, many laughs over some of the profiles she'd see on match.com.
(By the way, she's 5'3", 120 lbs, reddish hair, Catholic, has advanced degrees, works in IT for the FBI and she reminds me of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock....Single!)

A Vapid Blonde said...

I was going to add about the guy with the cowboy hat and bead necklace that maybe a picture that didn't have hs girl friend cut out of it but then I think your profile may have someone special cut out of it so nevermind.

Also why is it that most peoples self portraits are of them in their bathrooms? That's just messed up.

laughingmom said...

Have always wanted to mess with a profile - but never had the nerve (or imagination like yours - is it imagination or a f-upd sense of reality?). Loved it - especially Chuck E. Cheese!

Anonymous said...

jazz hands are for 9-year-olds in leotards or gay men. i'd stop going there if i were you. but you do have a vicious sense of humor and i've heard that the ladies quite like that in a guy. this post gets an 8.5 out of 10 for me!

meleah rebeccah said...

This is my favorite blog post you have ever written. Seriously. I will NEVER be able to stop laughing.

And, I am quite impressed, because YOUR profile, is actually VERY honest.

As for the fake woman profile, and all the responses it received, clearly some men do NOT read!

Mike said...

Goes to show that the entire internet dating scene is freaky. Nice.

Also, for your writing thingy, have you tried www.elance.com? You can bid on freelance writing jobs there.

Vodka Logic said...

That is the longest blog I have ever read and if I ever need Match.com and all the profiles are that long, my eyes will glaze over.

Thanks for the lesson, I think. When's the womans edition being posted, I know you can do it.

Good luck.

*jazz hands*

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Thank you, Moooooog, for convincing me not to spend my Valentine's Day searching for love on Match.com. Now, where did I put those chocolates?

Kev D. said...

"I'm kind of a big deal."

... from Watertown.


The Barreness said...

Damn you and your 30 mile radius...

- B x

Elly Lou said...

I would be very dissapointment if you stopped with the jazz hands.

Jeremy from We Took The Bait said...

I actually like the "I'm kind of a big deal line."

It lets potential mates know that you have many leather bound books, and that your apartment smells of rich mahogany.

And that you want to be on them.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

The Amazon woman scares me but was I not with my husband and was looking for a man to go with me and my 3 kids I would love your profile. That is, until I broke out my addition skills and realized we would have 5 kids and no time for romance anyway. At 5'1" tall I am short enough though.

And you made me laugh. So hard. I love it!

StephanieC said...

Okay, my favourites on this post?

"Oh! He's so funny and interesting AND I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!"

*takes out vibrator (seriously, that is awesome and most likely how it happens. Not online porn... your profile, baby!)

I read "they turn emo and then go on depressed shooting sprees" as "shopping sprees" and didn't feel so alone there.


Also? Your profile is great, but I would have been one of the superficial ones who selected height, since I am 5'-8"ish.

One other thing, if you care. When I was looking online, I hated the standing-with-hot-chick-who-has-been-poorly-cropped-out-of-photo-photo.

You have to crop that chick out better, or use another primary pic of just YOU. Way better. And you ARE cute.

And I love the jazzhands. Ignore Doug Stephens!

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?


Christina_the_wench said...

You had me until you dissed Matthew Mc. Have you SEEN those abs??
Dear god...

GunDiva said...

Met my husband on Cupid.com. Mostly because he could spell and put a sentence together and didn't put up douchy pictures. You're right on the money with your advice!

And I might be a little in love with you (other than I'm already married and stuff).

Lori @ In Pursuit of It All said...

Or you can do what my husband - who I met on match.com did - and that is send a second mail if you don't hear back from the first one that says in ernest and heartfelt way that he is trying again to get your attention because he's worried that the first time he "did it wrong."

Honest to god, it was too cute.

The kitten? Not cute.

Alexandra said...

your attempts at scaring me away are not working.

saving my pennies now.

also? I'm dying here from your fake woman profile..please "foreign and big cans." of course.

Unknown said...

I've learned so much this morning. Thank you. Also, I will now end everything I type with *jazz hands*. BECAUSE it's fucking awesome.

Ed said...

I actually have nothing to add.

That's how good this post was.

*jazz hands*

*walks away in shame*

AtYourCervix said...

And you haven't found your match yet? You seriously CRACK me up!! Too bad I'm already taken......

Paige said...

you are a genius amoung geniuses. marry me.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Nice. I liked that guy who's the mommy to his cat, though...
I wrote a post about Internet dating on my blog as well. Check it out: ShanimalCrackers.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

"...hone in on your dream girl." Hone means sharpen. You meant home in. Or, maybe you did mean sharpen, in which case, never mind. But wickedly funny in any case.

Kelly said...

If the *jazz hands* doesn't get you numerous winks and nudges (or whatever someone does to indicated interest), then there is no hope for mankind.

bikramyogachick said...

A friend of mine, who reminds me alot of you, (well, except that he's tall and black) just signed up for eharmony.com. He called me and was upset because all of the profiles talk about God and church. He didn't realize eharmony started off as a christian dating site! I was dying laughing.

Moooooog35 said...

I have to disagree with those who think Jazz Hands are uncool because a man who is comfortable doing 'jazz hands' is a man who is comfortable with doing stupid shit just to make you laugh and, eventually, have sex with him.

I cannot see how this could fail.

I apologize for not commenting to each of you directly but by the time I got here there were, like, 31 comments and - well - I'm kind of working.


Made myself laugh.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

Vinny C said...

Ummm... Okay then. Let's just keep what I said in that email between you & me. Right? I mean it wasn't even for me. It was for a friend. Really!

Miss Yvonne said...

The *jazz hands* takes that profile from pretty good to epic.

Also? Please tell me you are going to share those emails with us from those sick bastards!

PBJdreamer said...

Love it. I am currently single and I have seen and laughed at almost every one of your examples.


that is all

MrsBlogAlot said...

OMG. You have completely outdone yourself with this post!


You are all *jazz hands* and more!

Knight said...

I told you. No matter how batshit crazy the chick is she will still get a bunch of messages.

I would totally go "exploring new areas" with you. Do you like spelunking?

*jazz hands (slow exit)*

Rosalind said...

Loved this post! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe Match.com could link up to this as a "how to" for all the Dbags on their site.


Unknown said...

You obviously have way too much time on your hands! lol

life in the mom lane said...

I love the *jazz hands* if I was single, lived within a 30 mile radius & was under 5'4 I would definitely call you..... ;)

Ann said...

On the left you say you don't like cats, on the right you like them. Split personality? Scarred from only having a hamster as a pet? A cat could solve the hamster problem.

*jazz hands*

Malach the Merciless said...

So how do I date you?

Anonymous said...

I have been going about online dating profiles totally wrong! I'm stealing "penisreceptacle"'s and I think I'd have better luck! I cannot believe that men are responding to that-strike that-I can...and that scares me more than anything.

Love your profile and I agree with everything you said. Your profile is perfectly designed to draw women in and make them feign for your dick (blunt but true). Good luck with that.

Oh...and Happy Valentine's Day

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

I am shocked...SHOCKED....that you haven't find your soul mate on Match.com. Look on the bright side, one woman had sex with you at least twice so there's still hope.

Here's a little tip (I am not referring to your dick) that could help lure more broads to your profile....try selecting a photo without a hot blonde chick halfheartedly cropped out.

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

Wow....that commented came out a lot meaner than I expected it to, and on Valentine's Day no less.


I'll buy you a heart shaped pepperoni pizza for dinner. How's that?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I think *Jazz Hands* are fine. As long as you're not doing them at your own crotch.

pattypunker said...

lady gaga could learn a thing or two from penisreceptacle. (if you really want a career from this stuff, write a book in her voice. she's my hero.)

Moooooog35 said...

Vinny: What?! Dude. That's tomorrow's post!

Yvonne: I'm working on it. Believe me.


PBJ: Right?! Jazz hands are the perfect ending.

Mrsblogalot: Now if someone would JUST HIRE ME ALREADY.

Knight: I spelunk. If you spelunk, then I think we have a quorum.

Miss Rosie: I'm thinking of offering my services to those in need of decent match.com profiles.

Eva: That ain't time, baby.



no cats.


Malach: You mean we aren't?!

Jewels: *blushes

Cul-de-sac: HA. The 'hot blonde chick' is from some of my charity writing work. But I see where you're going with that..but it leads one to believe that you 'must be this hot to ride this ride.'


Pattypunker: I thought Lady Gaga WAS a penis receptacle. No?

Sandra said...

OMG I totally want to date you! You are Le Eye Candy!...that's French for The Eye Candy.
And I'm 5'3 so we'd make the cutest pocket couple EVA!....oh. Wait. I'm married.
Ok. Well give me another year, I'm sure I'll be looking for husband no.3.
As per usual Mr. Le Mooog, you are brilliant and funny....Did I mention I want to date you?...

Anonymous said...

I would date you! I'm French too and 5'2", but you would have to take the risk of having me critique your junk and skillage on my blog...might be hazardous to your reputation. Happy Valentines Day!

If I Were God... said...

"Sleepless" is HOT. She's the right height- But she is French; if she lets you teach her the benefits of shaved pits and Brazilian waxes YOU COULD HAVE A KEEPER.

[don't let her threat of blogtiques deter her, how many readers could she have?]

Moooooog35 said...

Sandra: Husband #3?


Sleepless: The only critique I'm worried about is you only having two thumbs to point up.

If I were a God: You're right. She is hot. And short. And something 'serrano' which I think is a type of mattress.

Wicked Shawn said...

I was assuming you used Lady Gaga as the inspiration for penisreceptacle.

*jazz hands* are always a great finish...well, may get a bit awkward unless the lights are off.

Chelle said...

What about long walks on the beach? Without including that you love to take long loooooooong lOOOOOOoooooOOong walks (maybe even week long walks) on the beach, you are automatically excluding a large portion of women. Probably the ones who collect Winnie the Pooh paraphernalia, too.

Marie Nicole said...

That dude who calls himself a cat mommy should totally hook up with the parka lady.

Mandy_Fish said...

I misread *Jazz Hands* as "Jizz Hands."

Rahul said...

My profile just says "SEX" in 32 point font followed by the phrase. Come get some.

This has procured me zero dates.

ThePittsofBeingPeachy said...

uhm. I dated all of those duckface mcdouche guys, and then married the cat mom. so .... uhm... I should have waited until the internet was invented so I could meet a cool funny guy ? Also who said you could use my picture in the Penis Receptacle ad?

ThePeachy1 said...

oh sorry I forgot your number 1 tip.
****** jazz hands***

Brutalism said...

If those guys are what is out there, I am going to insist that my daughter join a convent. And we're not even Catholic.

BadLarry said...

Moog, you are a good looking sumbitch. (keep in mind this is coming from a straight guy)

Why in the hell would you need Match.com?

If you lived in my town you'd be getting more ass than a toilet seat at Taco Bell.

Kris said...

Moooooog -

Alright, you demanded that I come, and so here I am. But guess what? There is not much for me to add to the genius of this post. It is brilliant. I am a big fan of jazz hands for the exact reason you stated . . . a man who is willing to be silly and give me some jazz hands? That's a man who is going to be silly and goofy and fun in bed.

Not that I am looking.

But you would totally be awesome.

Because even without the jazz hands, you are so fucking funny.

I adore fucking funny.


Unknown said...

This was so funny & so educational! Ha! I never knew of the inner workings of this match.com world. Glad your profile is no longer active. Sounds like a scary place full of horrific grammar and bad hats!

Not So Simply Single said...

How do you come up with this stuff....your mind must be working 100 miles an hours...

Laughing over here...

Thanks for the giggle!


LilPixi said...

Wow....I've been having a hard time getting some real satisfyingly good laughs this week, but I think that's just been cured.

Moooooog35 said...

Wicked: I expected more filthy from you.


Chelle: The only people who like long walks on the beach are people with metal detectors.

Nikki: Like you don't love CatMan.

Mandy: Of course you did.

Rahul: Call me.

Pitts: I found your picture via Google so I'm pretty sure that's public domain.

You're welcome.


Peachy: Trust me. That's not my #1 tip.

Brutalism: Wait. Does that include me?

When does she turn 18?

No reason.

BadLarry: Packing my bags as we speak. Where do you live again?

Kris: See? I told you. I TOLD YOU.

When do we start the sexting?

Kelley: That actually sounds like a construction site.

Not so Simply: hahaha. my mind working.. hahahahaha.

LilPixi: Wow. You're the first woman I've satisfied in years.

Yay me.

Chelle said...

Metal detectors! Of course! What if you suggested a metal detecting date? Then your date thought it was innuendo but it was just looking for chunks of tin in the dirt with a beeping saucer on a stick. Then you found some tin and had a fight over who got to keep it?

Online Dating is the metal detector of love and you are the operator. Find your tin, Moog! Find... your... tin and.... keeep it.

No? What? Lame?


Lee said...

So, you are going to have to join my dating site I am putting up. All for divorced only people. I am being serious. It is going to be great and then one day Match will buy it for billions. And, you can say...you knew me when I was the Hot Flash Queen.

The Random Blogette said...

Seriously amazeballs. Jazz hands always works! If I was single I would do you. Err..wait. Damn, funny gets me every time!

mookzmom said...

Every time I think you can't get cuter, there you go again! I would so totally move to Salem, NH if ;
I hadn't just bought a house here
I wasn't ancinet
I didn't have 4 cats
and, oh, yeah. I'm sort of taken too, and he lives with me. That might get awkward.

Anonymous said...

Just no jazz hands after sex. Would probably make her run for the hils. Unless that's the point, then jazz hands away.

CDG said...


Match.com has come a long way. When I was on, it was a little more douchey without the douches even trying.

Me, I found my man through the personals on theonion.com. No lie.

Also? that was fucking funny.

Kerredith said...

I love Match.com... And Susan Boyle.. She's my hero... Nuff said.

Random Girl said...

I would think it was coincidence if you picked 1 of the guys I have dated but all of them?? I am calling shenanigans. And for the record, kitty mama was very sensitive and made a terrific latte the next morning. It didn't work out though, the kitty got jealous.

Lady V said...

The only thing more disturbing than your penisreceptacle profile is the fact that I am almost equally titillated by both penisreceptacle and your real profile. But not by the same personality or at the same time *leer*

Maxie said...

you forgot the clapping after sex.

or do you not do that anymore?


Cake Betch said...

I love you, Mental Poo. You make me lolz all day.

Unknown said...

I just came back and reread this post after reading your NH interview with LG, and I liked it more the second time. I think your profile is awesome and I'm sure you must have gotten lots of responses.

My son (also recently divorced) is dating a girl he met on Match.com and she's terrific. (I just met her for the first time a few days ago.) So there are some good possiblilities out there. I hope you have found one...Is that how you met Kerrideth?

I Know, I Need To Stop Talking said...

Moooog, you are fucking awesome. Now I'm off to repair the damage you've just done to my pelvic floor. Comedy gold (the post, as opposed to the pelvic floor).

HeathRobots said...

Sweet Jesus. This is why my current boyfriend is Netflix. I am so scared right now. A cat mommy? Really?!

Lady Estrogen said...

I'm afraid for your sex too.
That was awesome.

Caleb said...

Great post!

I did a similar thing once, but didn't contrast with my own profile- just ripped on some of the messages guys had sent a girl friend of mine.

I didn't have the uploaded screen shots though because I was technically retarded. Wow- that sentence works 2 ways!

So did you find a mate? Have you commenced any coupling? I hear it's a riot.

Later, dude.


karensomethingorother said...

that was WONDERFUL! Seriously--I wish I had more people around, so when I want to shout the funny bits out, someone's here to care :(

You made me happy and smile at the same time. Wow, that's weird.

P.J. said...

This is one of the funniest posts I have ever come across. Many props and well done. I'll be looking around your blog more as I've been wanting a good humor blog and so far you fit the bill.

Of course, that's one post. And if you peaked with this one, then I might not stay much longer.

If, however, this wasn't your peak, then I'll stick around.

I'm sure you get the picture.

Good work here.

MissT said...

I just came across this post...Love it.
I haven't come up with the guts to actually use the profile photos of others on my site http://www.thesinglechick.com (for fear of getting sliced and diced by some old creeper)... but well done.

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