Undercover Brother - Do's and Don'ts of Match.com (Male Edition)

The Tweet I did kind of says it all:


After my wildly successful yet hard-hitting expose on epic Match.com fails that I found from women..

..there was a resounding call to not ONLY show portions of MY Match.com profile, but to also skew the hairier sex (males - except in Italy and the Dominican Republic) by showing some of their Match.com fails as well.

Since my own personal Match.com profile was - during it's short yet wildly expensive life - almost perfect, I decided I would use it as a shining example of what you men out there SHOULD be doing but, apparently, you're not.

THE BEGINNING OF THE EXPERIMENT

My first stop in searching male Match.com profiles was to pretend I was a hot foreign woman with giant cans and some weird fetishes.

Obviously.

Here's the female profile I made for myself:


Surprisingly, my penisreceptacle profile was rejected only one time and all I had to do was change the word 'labia' to '(censored).' A small concession, but it was for the greater good.

Also, for some reason, they wouldn't accept my photo on the first try.

Probably because it was of Steve Buscemi.

I have no idea who this broad is but she kind of fit the bill based on the profile and was the only good one that came up when I Googled, "Amazon woman."

What is actually kind of fucked up is that two seconds after this profile was approved, I got one 'wink' and then someone emailed me.


It's not unusual to find myself the target of wanton sexual advances but 9 times out of 10 the person trying to nail me doesn't have a penis.

"Penisreceptacle" Match.com profile ready, I began my search for my perfect match.

I limited my criteria to my surrounding area and really really tightened down on the height requirement:


Nice sliding scale there, Match.

So basically I was looking for elves or giant people who don't exist and everyone in between.

On a related note, being 5'4" myself, the only way I would come up in a woman's search is if they forgot to modify this setting. Good times.

Regardless, let's see what we came up with.

PHOTOS

Unless you're completely desperate you should probably do all your searches for people 'with photos' because the ones without photos are the ones you typically don't want to see any way.

So..since the photo is the first thing the person sees...

Do:

DO include a vast array of pictures that show all sides of you except for maybe your taint because I think they'll reject that anyway.


See? All those pictures show them that I like my kids, I like having fun, and I can make my pecs dance to any song of my choosing.

WIN.

DON'T:

Don't make the world want to punch you in the throat immediately upon opening your profile.


Guys. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES does wearing a baseball cap sideways make you look like you're not an asshole.

Also, if you're going to do a 'shirt off' picture, at least try to make it look like you don't have to move around in the shower to get wet.

Likewise, whenever possible, try not to look like this guy:


There is so much going wrong with that ensemble I don't even know where to begin.

And, if you can help it, try not to be ugly.

Your Profile Headline

Right next to your photos is your 'headline.'

This is where you're supposed to come up with something that catches the woman's attention and then draws her in, kind of like a roofie at closing time but with less physical dragging after it takes hold.

I've said too much.

DO:

DO write something that's funny and quick which, honestly, sounds like having sex with me.


See what I did there?

Right then they probably laughed and went, "Oh! He's so funny and interesting AND I MUST HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!"

*takes out vibrator

Let's see what the other guys are doing.

DON'T:

Don't do this:


No, dude.

Oprah is kind of a big deal.

Maybe even, like, Toby Maguire after Spiderman and Spiderman 2 was a big deal (we will neglect Spiderman 3 here as an anomaly).

But then, they don't need Match.com, do they? See any correlation here?

Yeah. Me either.

ABOUT ME

So this is the part where you describe who you are and what you do and like and who you want and blah blah blah. Basically this is where you sell yourself which should be easy to do if you grew up in a brothel like I did.

DO:

Do it like this. This is basically Shakespeare squared and put on a dating site, people:


I love jazz hands.

Ties it all together.

What not to do?

DON'T:

Don't write your profile if you can't spell or complete a sentence or, you know, be able to communicate without people looking at you and going, '???'


"Helllo ladies."

I want to say 'hi' to you so badly that I added an extra consonant.

"I can make you happy AND smile at the same time."

FINALLY, LADIES! Your search is over!

A man who can make you smile when you're happy - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Because, you know, usually when people are happy they turn emo and then go on depressed shooting sprees so thanks for clearing that up and not making me disappointment.

IT'S ALL IN THE DETAILS

Match.com gives you a ton of places to write little things about yourself so take this time to hone in on your dream girl, guys, and really lay it out there.

DO:

This is where people read and go 'blah blah blah' because you're so boring and then they go back to see if all this boredom is worth it and they see that you're in a cowboy hat with beads and a do-rag on and go, you know, 'fuck this shit I'm outta here.'

DO keep 'em entertained and intrigued:


The big thing here is to BE HONEST and not lie on anything because if you say crap like, "I'm okay with it if you are" just so you can get some lovin' then you are a big fat liar because two months into the relationship this new hot girl is GOING TO WANT TO HEAD TO CHURCH TO PRAISE THE LORD AT 9 AM ON A FRIGGIN SUNDAY when all you want to do is watch SportsCenter and, really, was the oral sex worth this? - PROBABLY NOT - and it will be ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

DON'T:

Don't pretend like you just stumbled into a hip-hop chatroom and you're PDiddy fighting off hordes of bitches:


I have to give this guy props for the sly, "in my bed" comment because he's pretty much putting out there that if you date me, we're bashing. End of story.

Although there is a reason that this guy is on Match.com and I'm guessing it's either that the girls he usually picks up are sticklers for good grammar, or the gang needs a new pass-around whore for their upcoming initiation.

THE BIGGEST DON'T OF ALL

Guys.

I'm begging you.

Pleading with you.

Whatever you do. No matter how desperate you are or what kind of bet you lose..

Don't ever. ever. ever.

Be this guy:


*cricket

I don't know what planet this guy comes from where it's okay to post on your DATING PROFILE that you're the MOMMY (not 'daddy'..no..that would make too much sense) of a kitten.

Add to the fact that he grew up on a farm and is obviously wearing a hat indoors and I'm pretty sure we are looking at the next installment of the "Silence of the Lambs" franchise.

All that's missing are sunglasses and a bead necklace.

Good luck, ladies. We're all pulling for you.

Some of us, obviously, more literally than others.

**************************
UPDATE:

My 'penisreceptacle' profile has been online now for less than 24 hours as you see it above and get this shit:


Seriously, guys?

The profile says "I will burn you with my lighter.." for Chrissakes.

I WILL BURN YOU WITH MY LIGHTER.

I fear for my own sex.

*********************
MY PROFILE:

Because some people actually asked for it, here is my full Match.com profile in it's entirety back when it was active.

Have at it, people. I'm sure I'll get some critiques.

But if you're going to fall in love with me, I expect at least dinner first.