I'm an Asshole...Naturally. | Mental Poo

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm an Asshole...Naturally.

Got this email the other day.

I'm paraphrasing it because it was, like, 4 pages long and I lose interest unless you throw in the word 'boobies' every so often.





I actually DID hit a deer with my car the other night which totally mashed my front end.

However, I neglected to say that I was able to include my kids in the 're-connect with nature' thing because when I got out to check the damage there was a shit ton of deer fur stuck to my headlight so I held up a giant chunk of it for my kids to see, which - in turn - prompted a whole lot of screaming that including such things as "DADDY, NO!!" and "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

See? You don't hit deer in the mall, people.

Screw this nature crap.

23 comments:

Sybes said...

Haha, wow. That's messed up and so so funny.

Lauren said...

See, that's exactly why I don't go camping. And by don't I mean "never have I nor do I ever plan to go."

Mike said...

I'm just wondering if she actually read your blog. I mean, all it would take is one post to understand that no one under the age of 18 should be reading this, right?

If I Were God... said...

If you forward this post to PETA you'll get more readers. And lawsuits. Yeah, maybe better not.

Alli said...

You could have just thrown the deer in your trunk, taken it home, and made Bambi stew for dinner.

Al Penwasser said...

Throw in a picture of boobies and I'll never leave.
Let's see, I've hit:
Deer: (2)
Raccoons: (1)
Possums: (or is that "Opossums?"): (2)
Slow-witted German Shepherd: (1)
Rabbits: (2)
Cats: (4) This does NOT include putting car in reverse and hitting them again
Iguana: (1)
Birds: (2) Might I add they were exceptionally stupid birds?
Cars parked in my driveway: (2) Gee, who am I calling stupid?
Horseshoe Crabs: (6) We lined them in a row in the parking lot and played "Chevy Slalom." NOTE: Horsehoe Crabs are kind of easy to catch.
Squirrels: Too numerous to count

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

my tally is 3 kangaroos and about a dozen birds...ohh and a gazzillion locusts....

Knight said...

I think it's real sweet of you to take your kids out and expose them to animal life. Kudos to you for doing it in a safe, kill the animal first, kinda way. I wish my parents had been so considerate. "The zoo is safe" my ass!

Stacie's Madness said...

oh man, glad you're all ok (boobies)...

Random Girl said...

Woah, I think she was a little off on her target demo here. Good intentions but misguided none the less. I enjoy nature from the safety of my home. I don't belong out among the wild...nothing good would come from that.

karen said...

I totally understand. I have to traverse some country roads where I live and have hit rabbits, raccoons, possums and yes, a deer. I commune w/ nature enough thank you very much, and if I don't get my fill then my dog kills enough birds and bunnies in my backyard to make up for it (she even killed a skunk once)

Eva Gallant said...

She was being funny, right? Even I know that program would be wasted on you!

Ed said...

Mall totally count. I see trees in the mall all the time. So what if they're fake Ficus trees, that still counts.

Summer said...

I did the same thing when I hit a dog about a year ago. I kid. I didn't even stop. I kid. Maybe.

Pat said...

You are a sick fuck. You probably scarred you kids for life. And you thought college was expensive? Wait till you see the therapy bills!

Ann said...

boobies...Now that I have your attention, I thought that discovering the forest meant something completely different. (boobies) Are you sure she wasn't hitting on you? (boobies) Because I totally thought that she was asking you to discover her forest (which also means that she needs some landscaping). (boobies)

Cognitive Dissenter said...

I cried the first time I hit a cat. The second one was easier (kidding, sort of).

I'm afraid I have to side with your spammer. Going to the mall is on my top 10 list of things I hate. On the other hand, we had a mama moose and her newborn calf in our backyard last weekend and it was awesome. No mall comes even close to that kind of cool.

M. Hicks said...

Anne may be on to some boobies there. Why not take nature to the mall and get some senior citizens in your scopes? They may be more stringy than your deer, but you can take them down with a bicycle. You can teach your kids to destroy nature with you!

Thanks for the read.

Lazarus said...

Funny stuff, and I agree with you. Nicely done!

Travis said...

Dude, I haven't been here in so long. The post was great, mostly because I continually dodge deer here in Oklahoma. It's like a really fun game of bumper cars, only you have to be like the kid that's afraid to get hit so he dodges everyone.

That's my metaphor and I'm sticking to it.

Also, Ron Paul 2012? I could be fallin in love with you all over again.

Steve Bailey said...

Come on!!! Natures not so bad.....
for me to poop on!

Danielle said...

Fu%#ing hilarious! That you like malls, I mean.

joem18b said...

Hi. Regarding what you said about never hitting a deer at the mall, my buddy and I were watching The Blues Brothers and when the brothers drove through the mall my buddy said, dude we are going to do that, and the next time we got high we headed over to the open mall in Keokuk and yes did drive though it. My buddy was at the wheel and although he did not hit a deer, he did run over two surplus mannequins standing outside a dollar store. Does that count?

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