The Spider that Almost Cut a Bitch | Mental Poo

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

The Spider that Almost Cut a Bitch

I hate spiders.

Remember that line. There will be a quiz later.


So this past summer I had the great idea of piling into a minivan with 6 other people (5 of them children) and driving 11 hours to Virginia where it was 107 degrees in the friggin shade for a "vacation."

Smart be me not best of my characteristics, yo.

The place we stayed in had a jacuzzi room right off the living room and master bedroom. The jacuzzi was basically monopolized by said children so by the time my girlfriend and I had time to actually get into the damn thing, we were too exhausted because we had been scolding/chasing/yelling at the kids since, like, 6 am each morning and OHMYGOD WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING YOUR SISTER YOU ARE MAKING HER SCREAM AND JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD GET YOUR OWN GODDAMN CEREAL.

So that was fun.

On our very last night, though, the GF and I managed to grab some beers and hop into the thing for a few minutes. We did what adults in a jacuzzi are supposed to do...which is watch our bathing suits fill up with bubbles and then squish them really fast and make giant bathing suit farts with them and then laugh uncontrollably because we're 8.

Good times. Good times.

After that fun was over, I climbed out of the thing and was about to step onto the floor when I saw it.


About two feet in front of me was a spider and it was not the run-of-the-mill Ruben Studdard Ninja spider that I wrote about before, NO.

This one was BIGGER.

OH. Remember that thing I mentioned earlier?

I hate spiders.

Give yourself 5 points if you remembered that little tidbit.

But this spider wasn't an ordinary spider, NO! This spider was wearing Nike Pumps and a track suit and I'm pretty sure had gold teeth and was curling a fairly large rock while kissing his 6 biceps one at a time.

Fine. So it wasn't EXACTLY a tarantula but it was, like, the size of a dinner plate as long as we're talking about dinner plates for Barbie.

So of course I did what anyone would do in this situation which was scream like a little bitch and immediately jump 6 feet into the air and back onto the jacuzzi.

Please note that in the picture above, my 'helpless girlfriend' is actually 'hysterically laughing girlfriend' because I'm basically running around with my vagina completely out.

Regardless, the sound of my high pitch yodeling apparently sent the spider into some sort of frenzy because I watched - in sheer horror - as he back-flipped and roundhouse-kicked his way over to the far wall and then just hung out as he lit up a Marlboro.

Not a Marlboro Light, either. In fact, it was probably an unfiltered Camel.

The timing was right as this spacing allowed me to run past him - and by run I mean OHMYGODOHMYGOD RUN RUN RUN LIKE THE WIND - and grab approximately 400 pieces of toilet paper in which to try to smush him if, you know, I could get the balls to actually try to do it.

After a few minutes of psyching myself up in the mirror and touching my nipples, I gathered my composure and came back into the room.

He bolted.

This spider movement, of course, prompted me to immediately piss myself.

Undaunted in killing this beast, however, I approached him..ignoring my own whimpers and trickling he moved toward the sliding glass door and went UNDER THE BLINDS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, GIANT SPIDER?! UNDER. THE. BLINDS?!?

I sense an ambush coming.

Not from me. HIM.

So I kind of barely touch the blinds to see where he is and BAM off goes that giant motherfucker running across the room with his 8 legs flailing like he's juggling flies and now my girlfriend is actually crying laughing hysterically at my ABSOLUTE TERROR but the joke is actually on her because I'm totally making her clean up the pile of shit I just dropped on the floor.

At this point I see, out of the corner of my eye, a second tool to use in my arsenal:

Beer bottle.

With 16 pounds of toilet paper in one hand and an empty bottle of Sam Adams Summer Ale in the other (the preceding is not a paid endorsement..sadly) I somehow manage the intestinal fortitude to leap at the spider and mash a giant wad of shit paper on it.

With it now covered in toilet paper with no obvious escape except to eat it's way out I begin beating that motherfucker with the beer bottle like he's Rodney King violating a traffic law.

After about ten minutes of this I stand back, amazed that this bottle is actually still in tact because, seriously, I was really hammering on that thing like I was trying to push it to China.


On a related note, if I was on a deserted island and could eat one food forever, I would choose beef teriyaki.

Sorry. The China thing made me think of teriyaki.

End sidebar.


With extreme caution I flip the giant wad of mashed paper over fully expecting a scene out of Alien where it jumps up and attaches to my face but, nope...


*insert 5 minutes of Irish step-dancing here*

I then flushed the spider and the 6 trees it was wrapped in down the toilet.

Then I did it know, just to be safe.

Maybe one more.

What if he's still there? Crawling up the pipes like a zombie spider seeking revenge?!

One more flush.

I flushed that mother four frigging times..just to be safe.

Then I used the other bathroom the rest of the night when I had to go.

Can never ever be too safe.

I hate spiders.

Not sure I mentioned that.


Angela@BeggingTheAnswer said...

Your reaction is justified. Spiders are made of pure evil.

Ed said...

An entire post just to have an excuse to post a picture of your ass?


But yeah, FUCK spiders!

Unknown said...

You were brave! I would have been checked out of that place and on my way home!

Sober Julie said...

Gotta say, I love your girlfriend! Next time get a pic of the darned spider will ya?

Pat said...

OMG, Tears, TEARS were coming down my face reading this. You are a big sissy boy when it comes to spiders! Well, so am I, but're a GUY and everything! This is hysterical!

Knight said...'s just a spider. Even if it did bite you all you would get is a bump. Perhaps with eggs in it. Oh and this weekend I just watched a great horror flick with a tarantula eating a guy's eye. I love spiders. Sweet dreams.

chemgirljaime said...

wow... it still amazes me how afraid people are of spiders that are 138 times smaller than us.

regardless.... at least you killed it!

meleah rebeccah said...

I have TEARS running down my face, I am laughing so much.

And I thought I was terrified of spiders. You win. Hands down.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I kind of wish you hadn't posted the picture she took because as I was reading I was picturing you bareass naked doing all this. Not because it was sexy so much as it was funnier.
Not that I'm making fun of your nakedness. I'm pretty sure there's an Old Testament prohibition against that.
Never mind.

Stasha said...

OCD much?

I would have made the girlfriend kill the spider. Bet she wouldn't have been laughing then.

Or maybe she would have laughed even harder as she chased you down threatening to torture you with the dead spider body.

Now I am all itchy like something is crawling all over me. Thanks, dude.

Babs-beetle said...

Sounds just like my attempts at catching spiders! We have a spray now, that kills them in seconds.

VEG said...

Bahahaha!!! You should've been careful about all that toilet paper though dude. You might block the whole system then what the hell will you do when you have to flush YOUR TAMPON DOWN THERE, you great big lady man?

Hee! Now if that spider had been a daddy long legs? Holy shit. I'd immediately close up all my holes just in case it made a run for the nearest orifice.

Christina_the_wench said...

I bet the girlfriend is rethinking this whole relationship now, GIRLY MAN.

You probably stepped on at least 5 spiders and didn't even realize it. Go ahead. Check the bottom of your feet.

Moooooog35 said...

Honestly, folks...I was contemplating not writing any comments back here today becase - well - I would be forced to relive this horror.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, posted the link to this on her Facebook page with this (no lie):

"an absolute MUST read!!!!!! I was there and STILL bust a gut reading this!!!!"


Unknown said...

I had to go next door to get the 8 year old boy to kill a beetle for me... I understand.


J.J. in L.A. said...

Your happy place is a pink horse? I think you have bigger problems than a fear of spiders.

Steve Bailey said...

I hate spiders too.... just reading this post was getting me all worked up.... so thanks for the unicorn break... much needed!

Al Penwasser said...

Virginia-It's Not Just For Lovers

Anonymous said...

I couldn't hate spiders any more than I do. I have a severe phobia of them and just reading this post gave me a mini panic attack. They have HUGE hairy brown jumping spiders at work and the father (I'm a nanny) rolls his eyes and mocks me when I scream, hug the wall, and back away slowly from these man eating spiders...I don't fucking care...mock me all you want but they freak me the fuck out. Ugh *shiver* NOT OKAY!

You are a braver man *even though I'm a chick) than I am because I'd have screamed like a bitch and cried until somebody else killed it. No, freaking, thank you! Oh...and if that had been my boyfriend laughing at me and NOT helping he'd have gone the night without any loving and a serious punch to the arm!

King of New York Hacks said...

That second picture...I've been to that club, those people are a real pain in the ...ahhhhh you know what I mean..spiders?? Pffft !!

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

Moooooog, Midget Man of "What the fuck is that thing? A rabid, effin' spider rat?"

Lots of har har in this post. Thanks for humiliating yourself for my entertainment.

Kev D. said...

I'm pretty sure your balls are showing in that picture.

TheNextMartha said...

That's one hot ass you have even without the balls.

Alexandra said...

SO funny, mooooog.

You are so funny.

I try to stay away, so I can visit my loyal readers, then I come back just once: and now I have to go back and get caught up with all your posts.

Because you are so fracken funny.

I can't stay away: and I need to.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

There is no doubt in my mind that you are lucky to be alive after that ordeal. I mean traveling with 5 kids, what were you thinking?

Tazer Warrior Princess said...

I'll kill your spiders for you, if you beat off the birds that try and murder me. Fair trade.

Rob said...

I feel your pain. The tarantulas at my house wear boxing gloves and don't bother running when you come up on them. The last time I saw one, he was in the hallway and just looked at me like "wish a motha fucka would try to come at me"! Even the dog said "don't look at me...this is your problem". Also, thanks for the random pic of the girl in a bikini. It really tied the story together. I'm stealing that idea for my blog.

* The MOM said...

You know how I feel about spiders, so screaming like a girl is totally justified. But the visual of this whole story has me in tears. LOL!!!

LilPixi said...

So, wait a minute, you're favorite meat isn't steak? Muahaha.

Hey, I'm the same way with spiders. Cept, you know, I'm a girl. =P

It's okay, I wouldn't be scared any less shitless about em' if I were a dude.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit I peed myself laughing.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't laugh because

a) This is totally me. Except I'd be throwing shoes at the spider or trying to smack it with broom so I wouldn't have to get close to it.

b) I had insane levels of anxiety worrying that there would be a spider photo in the post.

Isabella said...

People don't leave because things are hard. People do leave because it's no longer worth it.


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Opto-Mom said...

My daughter and her cousin found a spider IN THE FUCKING BED when they pulled back the covers to get in bed at a hotel in Hot Springs, Arkansas. They screamed like 8 year old girls (which they were) and I came running out of the bathroom, butt-ass naked, armed with a can of hairspray and one of those mini bars of soap.

Needless to say, we made them give us another room. Fucking Arkansas.

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