Why I Pay for Happy Endings | Mental Poo

Friday, September 23, 2011

Why I Pay for Happy Endings


Now I’ll have to travel pretty far to get a happy ending.

Well…farther than usual.

Let me explain.

I read in the newspaper the other night (YES! He reads!) that the local Friendly’s will be torn down to make parking spaces for a new grocery store.

For those of you not on the East Coast of the United States (read: losers), Friendly’s is a shitty little restaurant chain that specializes in…

…wait for it…

ICE CREAM.

That’s right.

A restaurant that revolves around hot fudge, whipped topping and nuts.

Just like a gay male orgy.

Don’t ask me how I know this.


I’m going to miss Friendly’s because it’s the only place that my family can get full bellies AND E-Coli poisoning for under $20.

You know, you just can’t find that kind of value anywhere else unless you pay a local crack whore for the ‘tossed salad special.’

I’ve digressed.

A lot.

How Friendly’s has remained outside of sexual harassment lawsuits, though, is still a mystery.

Why?

Well…let’s take a look at their menu:

Exhibit A: The Fribble

The Fribble.

I know what you’re thinking.

A fribble sounds like the technical term for a fat chick who spits.

Friend #1: “Dude…she swallow?”

Friend #2: “No, man. Bitch totally fribbled it.”


Fribble.

This is Friendly’s name for a milk shake.

Bet you never have one again now.

At least, not a vanilla one.


Exhibit B: Jim Dandy

Jim Dandy is a sundae.

Jim Dandy is frigging huge and has a banana.

* wink

If this isn’t some guy’s porno name right now, it needs to be.



WARNING: The next 6 inches of this blog contains a dirty picture. If you want to avoid cartoon porn, scroll down REALLY FAST RIGHT NOW!!

On a related note, it's friggin' hilarious.

K.

So, I went looking for a picture of a guy with a porn moustache to go along here.

Here's what I came up with:


My apologies to people who didn't want to see Shrek getting a blowjob.

Holy shit, I'm still laughing.

You know, I've always wondered about that (like you're surprised) - and some blessed soul out there had the talent to make it happen for me.

I thank you.

It's nice to know I'm not the only twisted bastard out there.

Now, if the person could get me a picture of Donkey and Dragon trying 69, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Okay...

....back to Friendly's porn menu.

Phew.

Exhibit C: The Happy Ending

No shit.

They sell “Happy Endings.”

Imagine my surprise when I went to Friendly’s and asked for a Happy Ending and the bitch brought me ice cream.

Does the hand job come after I eat it?

No?

THIS is the Happy Ending?

I mean, I screwed it, sure.

But it’s just not what I was expecting.

Apparently, neither was security.


Helpful tip:

Never have sex with chunky ice cream. Sure, your dick may smell like peanut butter, but frozen chocolate chunks leave scars.

You’re welcome.

Gonna miss ya, Friendly’s.

Jim Dandy signing off.

Man.

Friggin' Shrek picture...holy shit.

20 comments:

Vinny C said...

I Googled porn mustache and all I got were mustachioed pics of Seth Green, Mel Gibson & Sara Jessica Parker (I shit you not). You have a way better version of Goole than I do.

karen said...

That Shrek picture has scarred me for life...thanks a lot Moog

Ed said...

My wife, who's from Ohio, took me to Friendly's when we went to visit her relatives once.

She gave me a Happy Ending and didn't even Fribble it.

Christina_the_wench said...

I miss Friendly's. (We did have them in Ohio a long time ago.)
I never imagined the Happy Ending like you did though. Thanks for twisting it into something nasty.

Narm said...

And this is why I only have sex with frozen yogurt.

Knight said...

This explains why I've only ever seen middle aged men in Friendly's. The icecream sucks!

Eva Gallant said...

Would you believe I've eaten a Friendly's dozens of times and never had an obscene thought about the happy ending? Now you've ruined my chances of enjoying a meal there again--not to mention my the fact that I'll never be able to watch Shrek again with my grandkids!

jack mehoff said...

can you get santorum as a topping on your jim dandy?

if not you should

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=santorum

ClevelandPoet said...

for a while for reservations or take out orders I'd give my name as Jim Dandy.

fun times.

Paula said...

I need to know where that Friendly's is located!

Coffeypot said...

First of all, you need to clean off your camera lens. There is a black smudge right where the good part should be. And I see Shrek goes for the Brazilian look, too. I you were green that could be you.

Mandy_Fish said...

That's certainly not a very Friendly happy ending. It's downright cold.

Sadie Without The S said...

Well I can tell you THIS-our Friendly's isn't going anywhere. Thank you Virginia for many more happy endings!

Al Penwasser said...

"What's this thing called a 'Chaz Bananabono'?"
"Oh, that's just a 'Chastity Bananabono' with nuts."
"Hmm, I'd like a Jim Dandy, instead."
"With nuts?"
"Is there any other kind?"

Holy crap.
Fiona be giving Shrek the best dessert on the whole damn planet. And I don't mean parfaits.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cannot stop laughing!

You had me at "I’m going to miss Friendly’s because it’s the only place that my family can get full bellies AND E-Coli poisoning for under $20."

But I completely LOST IT at the Shrek Blow Job!

And, then I died when I saw the real "Happy Ending" sign in front of Friendly's.

Too fucking funny! HOLY SHIT!

Lisa said...

I'm here because Meleah was laughing all over Facebook about this post.

This is better than ice cream. Way better. It might even be better than the Happy Ending.

karensomethingorother said...

how come I only discovered you on twitter, and I recognize all kinds of other bloggers here...must ponder this.

Okay, that was hilarious, and normally my super prude jerk self would have totally been all disapproving, but luckily I just found it really funny.

Is a porn moustache different from an 80's fireman moustache???

Chunky Mama said...

HOLY CRAP, this was funny!

Glow said...

I need to clean my eyes -- WITH BLEACH.

* The MOM said...

Gawd I love Friendly's. Seriously, if I need to lose 5 pounds I just go eat there.

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