The BIG Problem with Jax | Mental Poo

Monday, March 05, 2012

The BIG Problem with Jax

I've had my little dog, Jax, now since July and things are going along quite swimmingly except for his need to constantly know where I am or be in my goddamn feet all the time (trips and breaks face on counter) or just be around me all the time in general.

Case in point:

But the biggest peeve I have about my little guy is about his big peeve.

Let me explain.

Jax is HUNG.

Like..proportionally, if Jax was my height he would have a 10-inch penis.

I know what you're saying: "but isn't that only an inch longer than yours is already?" and you'd be right and I should probably have plastic surgery to slim my guy down and even out the playing field with the rest of the poor men out there, but we're not here to talk about me.

Focus, people. Focus.

The fact that Jax is the John Holmes equivalent of the canine world wouldn't be a problem if my dog actually knew how to pee.

That's right. Jax does not know proper pee form.

Here is how a normal boy dog usually pees:

With the exception of that last stupid dog in the picture, all those dogs have the proper male-dog pissing form down pat:

1) Approach object
2) Sniff object for 20 minutes
3) Move on to some other object
4) Repeat steps 1-3 six different times OH FOR GOD'S SAKE WILL YOU JUST PISS
5) Lift hind leg
6) Pee on object while looking at you, like, "Dude. I'm peeing. Take a picture it will last longer. WTF."

Simple, right?

Not for Jax.

Jax assumes this position when peeing:

In some dogs - mainly female dogs who have dog vaginas (dogjinas) or even male dogs who don't have a dog penis (dogeenis) that are roughly half their body length - peeing whilst in this stance wouldn't be a problem.

But for Jax and his canine Tommy Lee johnson of pain, this is what happens EVERY TIME HE PEES:



Jax never ever never ever fails to piss all over his front legs.

So. Awesome.

The unique combination of oversized dog schlong and forward leaning yoga stance results in my dog constantly giving himself golden showers.

I mean, I pee on my feet too but at least I'm in the shower when I'm doing it.

Now I'm considering contacting a cosmetic surgeon for dog-penis reduction surgery (patent pending) and now I seriously can't wait to see what kind of searches on Google this blog comes up in.

I have $5 on 'giant dog penis' or 'Angela Lansbury naked.' Who's in?! I take PayPal.

I've digressed.

My neighbors always know when I'm taking my dog for a walk because the air is filled with screams of "OH MY GOD STOP PEEING ON YOUR FEET" or "DUDE! The fuck."

I wonder if John Holmes had this problem.

Lucky dog.


Anonymous said...

In that box of four dogs, the one with its ass in the air: Whole new meaning to the term Golden Shower.

Unknown said...

I just hope Jax doesn't meet the same end as John Holmes. Just sayin...

Unknown said...

Are you sure that your dog isn't a transexual? Maybe he is a bitch in a male dogs fur? I think it is unfortunate that you haven't yet considered this prospect and maybe, just maybe he needs doggie counseling to come to terms with his gender identity.

My thoughts are with you in this confusing time for your animal friend.

Anonymous said...

I like his smirk. Clearly he's doing this for the sole purpose of pissing you off.

Brett Minor said...

Being well hung has it's drawbacks. Unfortunately, he probably doesn't care. His endowment is your problem.

Stacey said...

I love it when you use the word whilst, when discussing dog genitalia. *Classy*

Simone said...

i had a similar problem with my boy dog. i called him "the pisser".

jack mehoff said...

isnt that the bennefit of dogs over children, you get to kick him for doing that?

get one of those red whiffle ball bats, cut the ends off each side and then use it as a funnel to direct his piss away from his paws.

cant you simply use the same terms for dog genitals as you do humans?

canine cock socket

Anonymous said...

My dog didn't know how to do anything right until he was approximately two years old. Now, he's perfect. I hide him away because people always want to steal perfection.
I wish your dog was a man.
I didn't just write that.

AccordingtoJewels said...

Sweet Gentle Jesus...the mental picture I have in my head will never go away! Why? Ugh. I'm constantly reassured that I've made the right decision in not having a pet. Pick up warm shit? Hell no! Cuddle with piss covered pooch? Hell no!

Um...maybe a specially fashioned doggy raincoat for his front legs?

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

Talk about cracking me up but you know what is even funnier to me is that Jax is not the only dog that doesn't pee with a cocked leg my dog DC pees kind of like Jax but he leans backwards not forward......

Paula@lkg4sweetspot said...

Awesome! I know right where to come when I want to start my day reading about schlongs...even if it is your dogs!

AtYourCervix said...

I have a male dog who pees just like poor Jax, and has been doing it this way for almost 13 years. *Most* of the time he doesn't manage to get pee on his paws, because he is obviously not as well endowed as your little beastie is.

meleah rebeccah said...

I *heart* Jax. That is all.

~Nikki said...

Maybe you have to get down on all fours and show him how to do it, seeing as you're almost as well-hung as he.

Collie said...

OMG freaking hilarious! So glad I don't have pets.

Red said...

LOL - seriously, coworkers are wondering what's up.

I got no answers, just ...LOL!

(also, after reading the comments, I totally reread this post looking for "whilst")

ClevelandPoet said...

and doing donward dog during yoga will never be the same.

handflapper said...

I will trade you your male dog who doesn't hike his leg to pee for my female dog who does. She also, even though she is spayed, humps other dogs and also cats. Yes, I'm sure she's a female because before we had her fixed she did give birth to one puppy, stillborn. I suspect she's a hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodog? Whatever. She ain't right.

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