Scar Wars - Episode VI: Return of the Stupid Pooh Bear Mug SONOFABITCH | Mental Poo

Friday, October 26, 2012

Scar Wars - Episode VI: Return of the Stupid Pooh Bear Mug SONOFABITCH

So on Monday I started describing all my physical deformations, elephantitis of the wiggly not withstanding.

When we last left off, I was in the middle of describing my approximately 4,000 deformations caused from surgeries and brittleness and just generally being old as fuck.

Let's continue.



The Scars:

13) I used to cook at a raquetball club and - one day - I was slicing some turkey on the deli slicer when the turkey went "flooop!" off the back side of the slicer.

So, being the brain surgeon I was/am, I reached to get it.

That's when the STILL SPINNING BLADE on the deli slicer went nicely into my pinky..splattering blood on the wall and giving me a 1-inch scar.

I hate turkey.

14) I was about 20 and spending the week at the beach - which meant I was hammered pretty much constantly.

I hopped off my motorcycle while wearing shorts and promptly seared my naked calf against my exhaust pipe leaving a nice round area on my leg that won't grow hair.

Looks so cool.

15) Back before I was married I was living with my soon-to-be-wife in an apartment when one day she broke a Disney Winnie-the-Pooh mug.

Thinking nothing of it, I threw the mug - unwrapped - into the trash.

That is what we call 'foreshadowing,' people.

A short time later I pulled the bag out of the barrel.

I could hear the mug roll from the top of the trash, along the inside of the bag, and heard it tear through the bottom of the bag just before the jagged end of the mug dug into my bare foot.

This has the effect of dropping me flat on my ass with a 1-inch gash in my foot.

I wanted to put a bandaid on it, but my then-girlfriend insisted we go to the emergency room for stitches.

It was while I was on the table trying not to kick the doctor in the face for STICKING A NEEDLE IN MY FOOT that he ran his finger along the inside of my arch.

No feeling.

I had severed a nerve.

To this day? NO feeling in that foot from the inside of my arch up to my big toe.

I wonder if it's too late to sue Disney.

1 comment:

Eva Gallant said...

I don't know if there's a statute of limitations on broken mug cuts and severed nerves; good luck with that.

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