Lavender Wiggly and Coconut Balls | Mental Poo

Monday, December 30, 2013

Lavender Wiggly and Coconut Balls


My testicles smell like a goddamn fruit basket.

Actually...now that I think about it...

...the scent of Kiwi actually makes sense.

Let me explain.

I was taking a shower the other night, as I'm sometimes wont to do, when I realized that it was my monthly duty to use some type of soap product.

Now, a man's typical prerogative (you go Bobby Brown!) is to wash his hair only.

He then lets the soap clean the rest of himself off via gravitational pull.

(Mental Poo: Funny AND Scientific! Where's my NOBEL PRIZE?!?!?)

The theory is that the soap cleans as it goes...

...scrubbing away as it drains down his body...

...towards the sperm-clogged drain.

(hey...first thing's first)


I looked down at the soap dish in the shower...

(after five minutes of trying to remember where it was)

...and saw a simple, sad, soap-Chiclet sitting there.

"This won't do," I thought. "There's barely enough there my sphincter."


After stuffing the soap-chip up my anus, I began rummaging through the endless bottles of crap in the shower looking for some type of soap-substitute.

Body washes.

Shower gels.

Washing-Gel Body-Shower Gel-Washes
(now with Retsin!)

Lube.

Sorry...sorry.

The lube is for something else.

HEY! The Chiclet came out!!

I've digressed.

I now had approximately six bottles of crap to choose from in which to suds myself up.

Here's where sharing a bathroom with a woman rears an ugly reality:

WOMEN LIKE TO SMELL LIKE FRUIT.



I'm not sure WHY women like to smell like fruit, but the bottles of shit I had to choose from included the following scents:

1) Coconut

2) Lavender (I actually think this is a flower..but the last time I checked I wasn't gay, so I'm not entirely sure)

3) Green Apple

4) Icy Pineapple

Icy Pineapple.

I have no idea what a fucking icy pineapple is.

I'm sure that where pineapples actually grow, there's no ice and, as such, the inventor of "Icy Pineapple" is just making this shit up.

All I know is that, personally, I don't want to smell like an Icy-Pineapple-Apple-Lavender-Coconut-Jackass when I go play poker with the guys.

In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like this...

I mean, don't you attract BIRDS?!?

Regardless, I made my decision that day, based on the fact that I didn't want to smell like potpourri...

...and decided to go with the Chiclet.

No Icy Pineapple for this guy.

No sir.

Today, I smell like sphincter.

2 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

Your "mind" never ceases to "amaze" me.. yes those are air quotes

Timothy Hecht said...

Someone else wrote about his balls this week. Oh, yeah, that was me.
I clean mine with anti-bacterial soap that is fruit flavored too. Today's flavor is Aqua Blossom. I don't know!
I use Old Spice body wash in the shower. No shampoo cuz I got no hair! Believe in your smelff!

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