My testicles smell like a goddamn fruit basket.
Actually...now that I think about it...
...the scent of Kiwi actually makes sense.
Let me explain.
I was taking a shower the other night, as I'm sometimes wont to do, when I realized that it was my monthly duty to use some type of soap product.
Now, a man's typical prerogative (you go Bobby Brown!) is to wash his hair only.
He then lets the soap clean the rest of himself off via gravitational pull.
(Mental Poo: Funny AND Scientific! Where's my NOBEL PRIZE?!?!?)
The theory is that the soap cleans as it goes...
...scrubbing away as it drains down his body...
...towards the sperm-clogged drain.
(hey...first thing's first)
I looked down at the soap dish in the shower...
(after five minutes of trying to remember where it was)
...and saw a simple, sad, soap-Chiclet sitting there.
"This won't do," I thought. "There's barely enough there my sphincter."
After stuffing the soap-chip up my anus, I began rummaging through the endless bottles of crap in the shower looking for some type of soap-substitute.
Washing-Gel Body-Shower Gel-Washes (now with Retsin!)
The lube is for something else.
HEY! The Chiclet came out!!
I now had approximately six bottles of crap to choose from in which to suds myself up.
Here's where sharing a bathroom with a woman rears an ugly reality:
WOMEN LIKE TO SMELL LIKE FRUIT.
I'm not sure WHY women like to smell like fruit, but the bottles of shit I had to choose from included the following scents:
2) Lavender (I actually think this is a flower..but the last time I checked I wasn't gay, so I'm not entirely sure)
3) Green Apple
4) Icy Pineapple
I have no idea what a fucking icy pineapple is.
I'm sure that where pineapples actually grow, there's no ice and, as such, the inventor of "Icy Pineapple" is just making this shit up.
All I know is that, personally, I don't want to smell like an Icy-Pineapple-Apple-Lavender-Coconut-Jackass when I go play poker with the guys.
In fact, I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like this...
I mean, don't you attract BIRDS?!?
Regardless, I made my decision that day, based on the fact that I didn't want to smell like potpourri...
...and decided to go with the Chiclet.
No Icy Pineapple for this guy.
Today, I smell like sphincter.